Emotional Dump
I feel...
Invisible
As a writer. I keep putting things out and trying to network, but I always feel unconnected to others. I feel like if I disappeared from writing no one would care. Honesty time: No one cares I write. Not even you reading this. I'm nothing and am invisible.
Stressed
Cleaning! Cleaning! If i don't clean my parents will be insulted. No, seriously. They are weird. They think I would be picky about free couches. Beggers can't be choosers. They have snob aditudes I don't have. They would be picky in my shoes (despite desperately needing new couches). And they aren't as well off as me. Yeah, they are one relative dying away from possibly being homeless.
Desperate
I see the time looming ahead of me. Hubby wants to open his store. And i swore I'd support his dream since he has supported mine. But supporting hsi dream will mean forsaking mine. I am not a "DO ALL THE THINGS!" person. I need to find a place in the writer world for me. Within the next two years. I am scared and desperate for it.
Over It
DAMN CLEANING! Sick of it. So fucking sick of it. Imagine your sole goal for two weeks being clean! And even as you near the end of the list you know there is stuff you are ignoring because "they don't really go upstairs"/"shut the doors and all is well." After today I don't care. I'm done what I said I had to do. Just wipe down counters and do dishes and brush fur... No more. Let them be insulted if it isn't enough.
Not Understood
How am I related to my parents? I mean no one in my family, either side, is like me. (Closest thign is my bros play video games.) I feel very disconnected from them. I feel like I'm not part of them. I feel like they expect more from me than they give back (<-actually that's true/how it is). I mean even hubby doesn't comprehend their thought process.
Overwhelmed
There are house things. There are mom things. There are wife things. There are health things. There are geek things. There are writing things. There are creative things. There are food things. There are neglected/missed things. There is not enough time/energy. There are meotions I have to surpress because if I take the time to deal with them (like now), I end up neglecting something else. (I should be finishing cleaning right now and this bring sanother emotion... guilt)
Guilty
I forgot to do something for my son for school (pictures). I didn't do the hair style I thought of for my daughter because I didn't want to stand up fromt he floor. I'm writing this instead of cleaning. And the list goes on...
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Fact is, I want to cry and scream at this very moment. I can't. Because I will lose time doing that. Then afterwards I'll have reassemble the pieces and build myself up. I can only shove the problems deep down, until the outside cracks and they finally come out... They'll likely come out when my parents are here.
Invisible
As a writer. I keep putting things out and trying to network, but I always feel unconnected to others. I feel like if I disappeared from writing no one would care. Honesty time: No one cares I write. Not even you reading this. I'm nothing and am invisible.
Stressed
Cleaning! Cleaning! If i don't clean my parents will be insulted. No, seriously. They are weird. They think I would be picky about free couches. Beggers can't be choosers. They have snob aditudes I don't have. They would be picky in my shoes (despite desperately needing new couches). And they aren't as well off as me. Yeah, they are one relative dying away from possibly being homeless.
Desperate
I see the time looming ahead of me. Hubby wants to open his store. And i swore I'd support his dream since he has supported mine. But supporting hsi dream will mean forsaking mine. I am not a "DO ALL THE THINGS!" person. I need to find a place in the writer world for me. Within the next two years. I am scared and desperate for it.
Over It
DAMN CLEANING! Sick of it. So fucking sick of it. Imagine your sole goal for two weeks being clean! And even as you near the end of the list you know there is stuff you are ignoring because "they don't really go upstairs"/"shut the doors and all is well." After today I don't care. I'm done what I said I had to do. Just wipe down counters and do dishes and brush fur... No more. Let them be insulted if it isn't enough.
Not Understood
How am I related to my parents? I mean no one in my family, either side, is like me. (Closest thign is my bros play video games.) I feel very disconnected from them. I feel like I'm not part of them. I feel like they expect more from me than they give back (<-actually that's true/how it is). I mean even hubby doesn't comprehend their thought process.
Overwhelmed
There are house things. There are mom things. There are wife things. There are health things. There are geek things. There are writing things. There are creative things. There are food things. There are neglected/missed things. There is not enough time/energy. There are meotions I have to surpress because if I take the time to deal with them (like now), I end up neglecting something else. (I should be finishing cleaning right now and this bring sanother emotion... guilt)
Guilty
I forgot to do something for my son for school (pictures). I didn't do the hair style I thought of for my daughter because I didn't want to stand up fromt he floor. I'm writing this instead of cleaning. And the list goes on...
---
Fact is, I want to cry and scream at this very moment. I can't. Because I will lose time doing that. Then afterwards I'll have reassemble the pieces and build myself up. I can only shove the problems deep down, until the outside cracks and they finally come out... They'll likely come out when my parents are here.