Good Days And Bad, 4/9?
This chapter is getting so long, I decided to turn it into two. Also, I'm about to leave town for a week, and wanted to get something out before I go.
Disclaimed: Not mine.
Rating: R
Summary: "But you and Scotty are better, right?" "We're getting through it. You know, good days and bad."
Chapter 4
Kevin sat on his living room couch, elbows resting on his bare knees, head bent, and tried not to feel like the lowest of the low. It wasn't easy. After the way he'd behaved last night... He'd been like a freaking stereotypical jealous, controlling husband. What was next, spying on Scotty? Beating him up if he was half an hour late home?
He had just started to seriously consider the possibility of running away from home - that, or giving up alcohol, which didn't seem very realistic - when he heard the bedroom door open, and turned his head to see Scotty standing there, looking all scruffy and sleepy (and delicious).
“Hi.”
“Hey,” he responded, looking down at the floor again. He was not supposed to think about how good Scotty looked. It just led him into more trouble.
Scotty made his way over to the couch, and sat down next to Kevin - close, but not touching. “Been sitting here long?”
“A while.” It had still been dark out, then. Now the sky outside was a pale blue, and his stomach was starting to insist that it was time for breakfast. He took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and said, “I'm sorry.”
“For what?”
He slowly turned his head and fixed a steady stare on his husband's face.
“Honestly, Kev. I don't see that you have anything to apologize for.”
“I behaved like a freaking caveman. All possessive and domineering and controlling.”
“Well,” it was Scotty's turn to look down, “it's not like I haven't given you cause to feel that way. And besides,” he glanced up with a half smile on his lips, “I'm picturing you as a caveman right now, and it's kinda hot.” When he didn't get a smile in return, he sighed. “Look, I understand about possessiveness. I really do. Remember the night before your coffee date with Jason?”
Almost of its own volition, Kevin's hand rose to rub at his shoulder. It had been days before the bite marks faded.
Scotty noticed, of course. “I see you do remember.”
“It's not the same.”
“Of course it's not the same, they're different situations. But it's close enough. My point is, I do know what it's like to feel the need to stake a claim. And as much as I wish there was no reason for you to feel that way... there is a reason. You have every right to feel what you're feeling.”
“I know I have a right to my feelings!” Kevin snarled defensively. “I don't need your permission!” He jumped to his feet and began to pace restlessly. “That doesn't mean it's okay for me to... to... You're not a goddamn possession! I don't own you!”
“No, you don't own me,” Scotty agreed. “But I do belong to you. Because I choose to.” When Kevin stopped pacing to stare at him, he patted the couch beside him. “That's what a relationship is, isn't it? Choosing to be together, to belong to each other. And you make that choice every day.”
“That's not... it's...” For the life of him, he couldn't seem to string a coherent sentence together.
“It's easy to assume that marriage means making that choice once and for all,” Scotty continued. “I'm not sure that's the best description, though. You still have to make the choice to stay, every day of your life. Maybe a hundred years ago that wasn't the case, but it is now. Marriage is...” He paused to search for the right words. “It's about standing up and telling someone that you want to belong to them for the rest of your life, that you intend to keep choosing them, and that you trust them to keep choosing you. Last year...” He sighed, rubbed a hand over his face. “Last year I stopped believing that you still wanted to be with me. I felt like the only reason you stayed was out of habit, or because there wasn't a better option at hand. And because I lost faith in us, I went and did something so abysmally stupid and selfish and hurtful, that now you're the one who's lost faith.” He looked up at Kevin. “I have to say you're handling it a hell of a lot better than I did.”
Kevin swallowed hard. Slowly, he returned to the couch and sat down next to Scotty again, still careful not to accidentally brush against him. “You thought I didn't want to be with you anymore?”
“I just couldn't see what you were getting out of the relationship, when you wouldn't even talk to me, or lean on me when things were bad.”
“Wow.” Kevin leaned back and closed his eyes. “I must be the worst husband ever.”
“No, you are not. You were just going through a bad time. But I have my own scars and insecurities, Kev, and when you pushed me away, I didn't know how to handle it. Plus, you know, it was a pretty bad time for me too. It all kept adding up. I forgot how to have faith that you would eventually open up to me.”
Kevin opened one eye. “You know, you keep talking about faith, and earlier, you mentioned Jason. You trying to tell me something?”
Scotty laughed a little and shook his head. “Nah. I don't know, maybe talking about Jason put the word faith in my head. But it's a good word.” He shifted on the couch to face Kevin fully. “But since you brought it up, I guess I should mention something.”
“Uh-oh.”
“No need for uh-ohs. I've just been stopping by Jason's church now and then.”
“You've been talking to Jason?” Behind his back?
“Not talking, really.” Scotty gave him a knowing look. “And no, I didn't tell him anything. It wouldn't have been fair to put him in that kind of position. I just needed... something.” He rubbed his jaw. “Kev, unlike you, I grew up in a religious home. As a child, I actually liked church. It was a place where I'd be told regularly that God loved me and would take care of me. It was reassuring, and I felt safe there.” He sighed and looked away. “Of course, by the time I was eight or nine, I started to realize I was different. And by the age of twelve, I knew very well that my church would never accept me for who I was. In order to accept myself, I had to give it up, stop trying to force myself into their mold. I don't regret that. But this past year, I've felt a longing for that kind of security again, that feeling of belonging somewhere. I thought maybe Jason's church... Well, he seems to feel comfortable there.”
Kevin didn't know whether to laugh or cry. “And you?” One thing at a time. “Do you feel comfortable?”
“It hasn't happened yet. But I don't feel uncomfortable, exactly. I'm not sure I'll keep going - I think it was mostly the guilt that drove me, and now that that's out in the open...”
“Yeah. Okay.” He laughed. “This is so weird.”
“What is?”
“Guess where I used to go in the weeks after the accident?”
Scotty sat up straight, and his jaw dropped almost comically. “No way. You went to church?”
“I have been there before, you know.”
“Well, yeah, but that's when you were dating Jason. You went there for him, not for you. Right?” he added, suddenly sounding like he wasn't too sure of that.
“I'm not a church-goer, you know that. But I've been known to try to pray or bargain with God when things get really bad.” And things had been really bad back then. “I prayed for Robert to recover, for Justin to come home safe from Iraq, for Holly to regain her memory, for Saul's HIV to stay dormant, and more generally for everyone I loved to be okay.” He grimaced. “Instead... Well, after Michelle miscarried, I never went back.”
Scotty reached out as if to touch him, but when Kevin stiffened in anticipation of the contact, he let his hand fall back to his lap. He managed a half-hearted grin. “Poor Jason. First you, then not long after you stopped coming, I started showing up. And he never said a word, never asked any intrusive questions.”
“Yeah.” How like Jason. “Good thing he's not a Walker, huh? None of us could handle that job description.”
Scotty barked a laugh, and shook his head with a smile. “That would be like expecting a mosquito not to sting.” Then he paused. “Although you don't blab about your cases.”
“That's different, though. That's strangers. There's nothing gossip-worthy there, compared to talking about someone closer to home.”
“I guess.” Scotty yawned and stretched, and Kevin found himself having to look away again. “Anything else you think we need to talk about before I get started on breakfast?”
“I'll make breakfast. It's your day off.” He got to his feet, a small wince crossing his face as he straightened his legs. That damn knee was acting up again. He'd have to get to a gym soon, work on strengthening those muscles.
“I don't mind.” Scotty stood up, too.
“I do mind.” He stopped halfway to the kitchen and turned back to face his husband. “You're not setting foot in that kitchen today.”
Scotty blinked, slightly taken aback by Kevin's firm tone. “You do realize that I actually enjoy cooking, right?”
“Yes, I know. I'd like for you to keep enjoying it, and I figure the odds of that are better if you don't do it every single day. So today, a real day off. Ideally you'd have one every week, but I don't think I can guarantee that.”
There was a soft, affectionate smile on Scotty's face now. “You are so damn cute.” He frowned slightly. “This isn't out of some lingering misguided guilt over last night, is it?”
“Nope. Any guilt I'm still dealing with is completely separate from my decision to do the cooking today.”
“Kevin. Really. Lose the guilt, there's absolutely no need for it. As far as I'm concerned, last night was all good.”
“It didn't solve anything.”
“I know. But not everything has to be about solving problems, you know? Sometimes it's just about what feels good, what makes you feel better.” He came around the coffee table and moved in close. “Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it.”
Kevin closed his eyes. He could feel Scotty's warm breath against his face, so close. “You know I did.”
“So did I. So stop beating yourself up about it.”
“I'll try.” He opened his eyes against, looking straight into Scotty's.
“Kev?” The voice was so soft and warm.
“Mmhmm.” Was this what being hypnotized felt like?
“I really want to kiss you right now. If I did, would you freeze up on me?”
“I don't know.” He didn't want to - he wanted Scotty to kiss him - but he didn't seem to be able to control that reaction.
“I was afraid you'd say that.”
He swallowed against the lump in his throat. “We could try it like this instead,” he rasped, and leaned in to brush his lips gently against Scotty's. Just for a moment, and then he pulled back. “Yeah, that worked,” he said, bringing his thumb up to rub lightly against Scotty's lower lip.
“Yeah.” Those blue eyes smiled into his. “That works.”
“So what do you want for breakfast?” He didn't want to move away from this spot right here, but he also didn't want to push things until he did freeze up.
“Oatmeal? The way you make it, with apples and walnuts.”
“And honey drizzled all over it?” Kevin smiled. “I can do that.” Comfort food. Yeah, that seemed like a good idea. They could both do with a little comforting.
“This was a good idea.” Scotty rolled onto his stomach, head supported by his hands. “I can't remember the last time we went to the park together. Hell, I can't remember the last time I went to the park.”
“Mmmm.” Kevin shifted a little to avoid a small stone that was digging into his back through the blanket. It was wonderfully warm outside for early November, the sun shone down on them, and he was feeling very lazy. “Would you hand me some of those grapes we brought?”
Scotty reached out for the picnic basket, picked up a bunch of small green grapes which he divided into two, and handed one half to Kevin. “I decided to try out a new kind from the farmer's market. They're supposed to be really sweet.” He popped a grape in his mouth. “Hmmm. Yeah, almost too sweet.”
Kevin ate a couple from his bunch. “I like them.”
“You would. You and your big sweet tooth.” Smiling, he handed Kevin his grapes as well, and grabbed an apple from the basket instead.
“I can't help it if I like sweet things.” He kept his eyes on Scotty as he said it, and was rewarded with an even bigger smile.
“I favor a mix of sweet and tart, myself.”
Kevin blushed, and filled his mouth with grapes to cover up the fact that he suddenly didn't know what to say. Scotty seemed content to stay quiet, too, as he crunched down on his apple. It should've been awkward, but it wasn't. It felt almost like being back to normal. Except that if things had been normal, they would've each brought a book, instead of feeling as if they were supposed to talk. If things had been normal, a day off would've been a day off, and not an opportunity to work on all their... stuff.
He didn't feel like working on stuff. He wanted to simply lie here, in the sun, with Scotty next to him, and not feel like he had to do anything at all. Just for a little while. So he put the remaining grapes aside, closed his eyes, and tried to relax completely.
Then Scotty's hand was on his shoulder, and Scotty's voice in his ear. “Kevin. Wake up. There are some pretty nasty-looking clouds heading this way.”
“'m not asleep,” he muttered with some measure of annoyance. “Just closed my eyes for a minute.” He swiped a hand over his mouth, and opened his eyes.
Scotty grinned down at him, fingers combing through Kevin's hair. “Sure you did, sweetie. It just happened to be a really long minute.”
“Huh?” He sat up, blinking, and wondered why the sun was coming from the wrong direction. And where had those clouds come from, the ones over there where the sun should've been? ”I fell asleep?” His brain was slowly, gradually starting to work again. “How long?”
“Oh, I'm not sure. I didn't look at my watch when you zonked out, but at least an hour, maybe two.”
“I slept for two hours?” He checked his watch, and it did seem possible. “Gah. I hope you haven't been bored out of your skull.”
Scotty was efficiently packing everything into the picnic basket. “No, it's actually been very relaxing. Thinking, people-watching...” He smiled. “I think we both needed the break.”
“Huh.” Oh, he was just a brilliant conversationalist today, wasn't he? “So you weren't just sitting there staring at me while I slept.”
Scotty paused, a plastic bag filled with grape stems and apple cores frozen in mid-air. Then he looked aside and cleared his throat. “You're people.” He lowered the plastic bag into the basket as color rose in his cheeks.
“Oh.” His damn brain still wasn't coming up with anything to say. “Was I drooling?”
A glance through lowered eyelashes. “No. You looked adorable. But then you always do.”
Okay, seriously. Was it even legal, being that cute? Kevin shifted onto his knees, put one hand against Scotty's cheek, and moved in for a kiss.
“Fucking faggots!”
Kevin froze, then spun around, still on his knees. Three young men were passing them, and the glare from one of them made it clear who had spoken. Another one shot a venomous “Disgusting!” at them. The third kept his head down, avoiding their eyes, and didn't say a word.
“Bigoted bastards!” Kevin snarled back. Unfortunately - or perhaps fortunately, given the size of those three - it had taken him a while to muster up a reply, and they didn't seem to have heard him. The third one did glance back, but when he realized he was being watched, he hunched his shoulders and scurried after his friends. “Douche-bags,” Kevin muttered to himself, and turned back to Scotty.
Scotty's eyes were down, his shoulders as hunched as those of that little coward who couldn't speak up against his buddies. One hand was rubbing hard at his forehead, while he mumbled his way through a list of what they'd brought, as if checking that they'd packed it all. Never mind that the only thing left on the ground was their blanket, and that only because they were sitting on it.
“Scotty.”
“We should pack up. Those clouds are coming closer.” Scotty none too gently nudged Kevin to move off the blanket.
“Honey.” It was always like this. Only two topics that he knew of could get Scotty into this agitated state - gay-bashing and homophobic teenage boys - and while those three had clearly been in their early twenties, apparently they were young enough to be seen as teenagers in Scotty's mind. And every time he got this worked up, he rubbed at that small round scar on his forehead, the one that only really showed when he frowned and the lines on his forehead formed around it. “Honey, stop that.”
“Stop what? Kevin, get off the blanket.”
He caught Scotty's right arm, and pulled it down. “You're rubbing your forehead.”
Scotty had never volunteered any specifics, and Kevin hadn't wanted to push the matter. He'd figured if Scotty wanted to talk, he would. Now he wondered if perhaps this was one of those situations where he was supposed to ask, to show that he cared.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked carefully, still holding on to Scotty's arm.
They stared at each other for a long moment. Then Scotty sighed, and lowered his arm to his side. Kevin let go of it. “No. I don't even want to think about it.”
“Okay. If you change your mind..?”
A small, forced smile crossed Scotty's face. “I'll let you know if that happens. But it won't.”
Kevin sighed and nodded. But he couldn't just leave it at that. He'd left things at that far too often, and look where it had landed them. Not anymore. So he placed his hands on either side of Scotty's face, pulled his head down slightly, and kissed the scar. “They can't hurt you anymore. And you're not alone.”
Scotty shuddered, as his hands came up to grip Kevin's wrists. They remained like that until a crack of thunder filled the air, and they both reflexively looked up at the dark clouds all but covering the sky. As one, they rose, folded up their blanket, and headed for the car.
“Where do you want to have lunch? Home, or eating out?” Surely if anything could get Scotty back to normal, it would be the prospect of food.
“I don't know.”
“How about that new Ethiopian place you've been wanting to try out?” Of course, it was over a month since Scotty had mentioned that. Maybe he'd been there already, on his own or with a friend.
Scotty shrugged. “Sure. Why not.” Not the enthusiastic response Kevin had been hoping for, but perhaps that would come once they were actually there.
They reached the car and got inside, Kevin fiddling with the GPS while Scotty worried at the basket. Once, his hand rose as if to rub at his forehead, but he caught himself and snatched it down again. He stared out the window until Kevin announced that he'd found the best route to the Ethiopian restaurant.
Scotty fastened his seat belt, then took a long, deep breath. “It was a rock,” he blurted out. “They threw rocks at me, Kev.”
Kevin closed his eyes and ground his teeth together. He'd like to kill those little shits, whoever they were. They'd hurt Scotty! But they weren't here. Scotty was. He opened his eyes and looked over at his husband, who was still staring out the window. He reached out to stroke Scotty's hair gently, then took his hand and squeezed it.
They sat like that for a couple minutes, neither of them speaking. (What good would words do, anyway?) Then Scotty squeezed Kevin's hand in return, and managed a smile. “Let's go eat.”
Kitty answered the door in her bare feet, hair tousled, coffee mug clutched tightly in one hand. “Come in,” she said even before Kevin could open his mouth, and waved her free hand. “I need an adult to talk to, and Evan is playing by himself in his room for the first time all day.”
“Grumpy today, Kit?”
“Or you could just turn around and leave.”
He lifted his hands in surrender, and crossed the threshold, closing the door behind him. “Got any more of that coffee?”
“No. Fresh out.”
“How hospitable.” He frowned at her. “You okay?”
“I had the oh-so-bright idea to promise Evan a whole weekend together, just him and me, where he'd have my undivided attention. As a result, I'm absolutely, completely exhausted, running on fumes, and the day's far from over.”
He tried not to laugh. “Oh dear.”
“Don't.” She stuck her finger in his face. “Don't even, or I swear I'll rip your heart out and feed it to you. You have no idea what it's like.”
No, he didn't. And he might never know. Kevin turned away and walked into the living room, where he sank down into a chair. Kitty frowned, as if she recognized she'd said something she shouldn't have, and studied him carefully.
“So,” she finally said. “What brings you here?”
“I left my car at Mom's last night and took a cab home. Today, Scotty drove me there to pick it up, and then realized that after promising Mom he'd talk to her at least once a week, he hasn't called her. So he figured he'd stay for a chat. I thought I'd go bug you instead.” He was still too raw from yesterday to want to face his mother again right now.
Kitty sipped her coffee. “There's more to the story, isn't there? You're not here to pass the time, you're here because there's something you need to talk about.”
“I slept with Scotty last night,” he blurted out, then lowered his head.
She stood silent for a few moments, then sat down in a chair across from him. “You don't look very happy about that,” she said carefully.
“I just... I kind of feel like a jackass. I thought it would help.”
“But it didn't,” his sister assumed.
“No.” He picked at the armrest. “I still can't even let him touch me.” When Kitty looked inquisitively at him, he clarified, ”I can touch him. As long as I'm in charge, I know what's going to happen, and I don't feel so scared and vulnerable. But when he makes a move towards me, I panic and either freeze up or lash out. Or run away.”
“Is that why you're here? Because you're running away?”
“No!” She kept looking at him. “Well, maybe a little.” He sighed deeply. “Dammit, why can't I just get over this?”
“Because it hurts. It takes as long as it takes, Kevin. Maybe you're pushing yourself too hard. You're like a little kid that keeps picking the scab off a wound, and then wonders why it's not healing faster.”
Trust Kitty to remember that about him. “I just want things to be okay again. I want my marriage back.” He rubbed his hand across his eyes. “And what's with the sudden 'it takes time' thing? You were part of the chorus telling me I needed to forgive Scotty and get to work saving my marriage.”
“And you are doing that, Kev. But working on it doesn't have to mean pushing yourself to do what you're not really ready for. It doesn't have to mean jumping off a cliff. Sometimes - most of the time - it's better to find the little zig-zaggy path leading down the side of the mountain. It won't be as fast, and there will be times when it feels like you're not getting anywhere, but sometimes you have to move sideways in order to get to where you can start working your way downwards again.”
He stared. “Have you been trying to write a speech again?”
“Shut up.” She glared back at him and sipped her coffee. “And it was a lecture. I don't do speeches anymore, remember?”
“Same difference.” He sank back in the chair, tilting his head back to look up at the ceiling. “Have you talked to Jason recently?”
Kitty lowered her mug. “Yeah, last week. He came by to see Evan. Why?”
“I should go see him. Talk to him.”
“Why?” Kitty repeated.
“Oh, don't get that look on your face. Scotty would completely agree with me. We talked about Jason this morning.”
“Why were you and Scotty talking about Jason?” Of course, what Kevin heard behind the words, clear as day, was 'Don't you have more important things you need to talk about?'
“Because.” He sighed. Twice in one day. “After the accident, I went to his church a lot. Praying for Robert, Justin, Saul, Holly. Everybody, really. There was nothing I could do for anyone, and I needed to do something, so...” He shrugged helplessly. “I never really talked to Jason about it, but he tried to reach out to me. I stopped going after we lost the baby. It was just like a slap in the face, you know? I'd been praying for everyone I loved to be okay, and instead, Scotty and I lost our child.”
“You make it sound like cause and effect.”
“I know it wasn't. It just felt like it.” He grimaced at the memory. “Anyway, this morning Scotty told me that after... after the restaurant opened... he'd go to Jason's church once in a while. I figure between the two of us, we must've been driving him up the walls.”
“Oh, I see.” Kitty studied the carpet under her feet with sudden fascination. “That explains... Well, as of last week, he may have figured out why Scotty was there.”
“I had a feeling you might have mentioned something to him.” It was why he'd asked if Kitty had seen him lately. “I still feel like I should talk to him myself.”
“Hey, he's your ex, not mine. If it's not going to be a problem with Scotty...”
“Scotty might also want to see him. But maybe we should go separately. It might be easier to speak freely that way.” As freely as he could ever speak to his ex about his marriage. But he'd already worn out his welcome with his family on this particular topic, and he really didn't have a whole lot of friends to choose from.
“You can talk to me, you know that, right?”
“Are you reading minds now, Kit?” He snorted. “Maybe I want to talk to someone who's more likely to be on my side.”
“Ah.” She nodded as if he'd just confirmed something. “Mom said you'd been... upset with her yesterday.”
“I've been upset with her - with all of you - a lot longer than that.”
“Kev. We were just trying to help, you know.”
“I know that. I just really don't approve of the way you went about it. If you'd been in my shoes, you'd have hated it, too.”
“But I've only been in Scotty's shoes, is that where you're going with this? Because if it is, you can just zip it. I'm fed up with hearing about that.”
“And I'm fed up with hearing about how I drove Scotty to it, and I need to fix it.” He glared at her, and jumped up to pace the floor. “I didn't make him cheat on me!”
“Nobody said you did.” Kitty stayed in her chair.
“You all implied it!”
“Are you this pissed because you think you drove him to it, or because you're starting to forgive him and it scares the hell out of you?”
“Oh, shut up! Or get a guest spot on Mom's radio show and go analyze complete strangers instead of me!”
“So I'm right.”
“I didn't say that!” He paused his pacing to stare down at her. “You're such a...” Kitty made a sudden shushing gesture, nodding significantly at something behind him. He turned around.
“Uncle Kev!” Evan hugged his legs tightly, looking up with a face filled with adoration. “You came to see me and Mommy!”
“Of course I did.” He picked the boy up and hugged him close. “I got used to seeing you every day, and now it's been a whole week!”
“I missed you! Come play dinosaur?”
He glanced at his watch. “Just for a little bit, buddy, then I have to go home. So come on, let's hurry up!” He put Evan down, and watched him run out of the room as fast as his legs would carry him. Then he turned to Kitty. “We can fight some other time.”
“Oh, I'll always make time for fighting with you, Kevin. Always.”