telling myself these jokes for so long...
Title: Better than the Real Thing.
Author: voltaireontoast
Fandom: Torchwood
Word Count: 871
Pairing, if applicable: Jack/Ianto, but the main focus is Owen and Tosh.
Rating: Oh, the implications...
Notes: I had a lot of thoughts for this fandom, because it's sextastic, and yet somehow I ended up writing non-explicit sex.
Quick fandom overview for non-Torchwood folk: Torchwood - spin off from Doctor Who, but with more sex, violence and rock and roll? Jack/Ianto's established, Tosh is the resident computer effing GENIUS, and Owen's the doctor. Tis all you need to know.
Notes for Torchwood folk: This is done sometime in series two, whilst everyone's still alive, and yes, it was ripped off from inspired by the infamous scene in Adrift and the one with Gwen and the sex alien. Basically, this fic just wrote itself. This is also my first attempt at writing Torchwood, so be nice?
Tosh had her eyes locked on to her computer screen, as her fingers flew over the keyboard, quickly working her way through some equations, thinking she was pretty much on her own, as the Hub was reasonably quiet, apart from the faint sounds of Myfanwy flapping around above and the comforting hum of all the hardware around her. She took a moment to pause, drain the cup of coffee Ianto had made before heading out with Jack, and check her calculations, and in this small window of opportunity, Owen sauntered up behind her, leant casually on top of one of her computer screens and smirked, his eyes fixed above her head.
“Tosh…”
She jumped and turned quickly to face him, as she expected him to be busying himself in the morgue, not to be sneaking up behind her like that, “What?”
“What the hell is going off there, do you think?” He pointed at one of the security screens above her head, with a shot of the hothouse, and seemingly, two far too familiar, far too naked men in grainy blue.
Her eyes flicked up to the screen, choked back a giggle and answered him with as straight a face as she could manage, “Oh, it looks like naked hide and seek.”
“What the what now?”
She had to swallow another laugh and said, perfectly seriously, “Naked hide and seek, Owen.”
“And this is now normal?”
“We are in Torchwood, you know.”
“Oh yes, I’m pretty sure intergalactic, intertemporal and inter-life-form kissing is all in the contract, but where does naked hide and seek come into it?”
“I think that’s only in Ianto’s contract.”
“I thought they said they were going out weevil hunting?”
“You do not want to know what weevil hunting loo…” She paused and peered at the screen, “What is he doing with that hockey stick?”
“So wait a minute, Tosh, you get video of all this?”
“Normally, I turn it off, but sometimes, you just don’t notice.”
“Can we turn it o…hold on, I want to see what he’s…okay, I didn’t want to see that.” Owen swallowed hard whilst Tosh tried not to laugh into her keyboard.
“Want me to turn it off now, Owen, or are you enjoying the show?”
He rolled his eyes and drummed his fingers along the top of another screen, “This isn’t quite as much fun as watching Gwen and that alien bird…”
“You would say that. Someone’s life could be in danger and you think it’s hot. Jack and Ianto, and you’re just disturbed.”
“Well, I’m sure you’re enjoying it. It’s like having your own private porn videos. It’s certainly better quality than that Paris Hilton one, anyway.”
Tosh sighed, “You know, women’s minds don’t work like that. In fact, most people’s don’t work like yours, Owen.” There was another pause as she glanced up again, “Is that a Unit beret, or am I imagining it?”
“No, that’s definitely one. I’m serious, though, it’s like having your own porn show…”
Tosh turned around in her chair and gave him a sceptical raise of the eyebrows, “Right.”
Owen grinned cheekily and carried on, putting on a gruff voice, designed to ooze ‘manly’, “Hello there, I’m Captain Jack, and I heard you had a problem with your Rift…”
Just as Tosh was about to hit her head on the keyboard, he carried on in a more high pitched voice, “Oh, I’m so glad you could come, the hole just keeps getting bigger, and all these aliens keep coming out, it’s terrible, Captain.”
“Don’t you worry, Miss Ianto, I’ll make sure all those holes get properly filled.”
By this point, Tosh had her head in her hands and was shaking with laughter, “Oh, you’re my hero, Captain, I don’t know what I’d do without you!”
“Now, where’s this Rift?”
“Oh, well, we keep ours in the hothouse.”
“Could you take me there, Missy Ianto, sometimes, I just get so confused.”
Tosh looked up with barely contained laughter, “Because hothouse isn’t self explanatory enough…”
Owen carried on in the gruff voice, “Self explanatory enough for me, madam Toshiko, but get the hell out of my snuff film.”
Back to his best girly voice, “Well, it’s a house where everything gets ever so hot and bothered…no wonder the Rift’s having issues. It could be frustrated with all that heat.”
“Nothing worse than a frustrated Rift, Miss Ianto.”
“I don’t know, you could frustrate my Rift any day…”
This time, she burst into outright laughter, “You seriously didn’t…oh lord.”
Owen ignored her, holding back his own mirth, carrying on with his ‘Captain Jack’ voice, “For you, ma’am, I’ll make exceptions.”
“Come on then, Captain, I’ll take you.”
“I can’t see it, could you show me, Miss Ianto?”
“Oh, yes, Captain, it’s right behind that desk, you just have to bend right over it…there we go, lovely.”
“Ah, I can see it all properly now.”
“As can I, Captain…”
Owen eventually collapsed in laughter himself, unable to continue with the silly voices, and shaking his head in disbelief he’d managed it that long.
Tosh finally got her breath back, looked up at Owen and surmised, “You know, I think that’s got more plot than real porn any day.”
Author: voltaireontoast
Fandom: Torchwood
Word Count: 871
Pairing, if applicable: Jack/Ianto, but the main focus is Owen and Tosh.
Rating: Oh, the implications...
Notes: I had a lot of thoughts for this fandom, because it's sextastic, and yet somehow I ended up writing non-explicit sex.
Quick fandom overview for non-Torchwood folk: Torchwood - spin off from Doctor Who, but with more sex, violence and rock and roll? Jack/Ianto's established, Tosh is the resident computer effing GENIUS, and Owen's the doctor. Tis all you need to know.
Notes for Torchwood folk: This is done sometime in series two, whilst everyone's still alive, and yes, it was ripped off from inspired by the infamous scene in Adrift and the one with Gwen and the sex alien. Basically, this fic just wrote itself. This is also my first attempt at writing Torchwood, so be nice?
Tosh had her eyes locked on to her computer screen, as her fingers flew over the keyboard, quickly working her way through some equations, thinking she was pretty much on her own, as the Hub was reasonably quiet, apart from the faint sounds of Myfanwy flapping around above and the comforting hum of all the hardware around her. She took a moment to pause, drain the cup of coffee Ianto had made before heading out with Jack, and check her calculations, and in this small window of opportunity, Owen sauntered up behind her, leant casually on top of one of her computer screens and smirked, his eyes fixed above her head.
“Tosh…”
She jumped and turned quickly to face him, as she expected him to be busying himself in the morgue, not to be sneaking up behind her like that, “What?”
“What the hell is going off there, do you think?” He pointed at one of the security screens above her head, with a shot of the hothouse, and seemingly, two far too familiar, far too naked men in grainy blue.
Her eyes flicked up to the screen, choked back a giggle and answered him with as straight a face as she could manage, “Oh, it looks like naked hide and seek.”
“What the what now?”
She had to swallow another laugh and said, perfectly seriously, “Naked hide and seek, Owen.”
“And this is now normal?”
“We are in Torchwood, you know.”
“Oh yes, I’m pretty sure intergalactic, intertemporal and inter-life-form kissing is all in the contract, but where does naked hide and seek come into it?”
“I think that’s only in Ianto’s contract.”
“I thought they said they were going out weevil hunting?”
“You do not want to know what weevil hunting loo…” She paused and peered at the screen, “What is he doing with that hockey stick?”
“So wait a minute, Tosh, you get video of all this?”
“Normally, I turn it off, but sometimes, you just don’t notice.”
“Can we turn it o…hold on, I want to see what he’s…okay, I didn’t want to see that.” Owen swallowed hard whilst Tosh tried not to laugh into her keyboard.
“Want me to turn it off now, Owen, or are you enjoying the show?”
He rolled his eyes and drummed his fingers along the top of another screen, “This isn’t quite as much fun as watching Gwen and that alien bird…”
“You would say that. Someone’s life could be in danger and you think it’s hot. Jack and Ianto, and you’re just disturbed.”
“Well, I’m sure you’re enjoying it. It’s like having your own private porn videos. It’s certainly better quality than that Paris Hilton one, anyway.”
Tosh sighed, “You know, women’s minds don’t work like that. In fact, most people’s don’t work like yours, Owen.” There was another pause as she glanced up again, “Is that a Unit beret, or am I imagining it?”
“No, that’s definitely one. I’m serious, though, it’s like having your own porn show…”
Tosh turned around in her chair and gave him a sceptical raise of the eyebrows, “Right.”
Owen grinned cheekily and carried on, putting on a gruff voice, designed to ooze ‘manly’, “Hello there, I’m Captain Jack, and I heard you had a problem with your Rift…”
Just as Tosh was about to hit her head on the keyboard, he carried on in a more high pitched voice, “Oh, I’m so glad you could come, the hole just keeps getting bigger, and all these aliens keep coming out, it’s terrible, Captain.”
“Don’t you worry, Miss Ianto, I’ll make sure all those holes get properly filled.”
By this point, Tosh had her head in her hands and was shaking with laughter, “Oh, you’re my hero, Captain, I don’t know what I’d do without you!”
“Now, where’s this Rift?”
“Oh, well, we keep ours in the hothouse.”
“Could you take me there, Missy Ianto, sometimes, I just get so confused.”
Tosh looked up with barely contained laughter, “Because hothouse isn’t self explanatory enough…”
Owen carried on in the gruff voice, “Self explanatory enough for me, madam Toshiko, but get the hell out of my snuff film.”
Back to his best girly voice, “Well, it’s a house where everything gets ever so hot and bothered…no wonder the Rift’s having issues. It could be frustrated with all that heat.”
“Nothing worse than a frustrated Rift, Miss Ianto.”
“I don’t know, you could frustrate my Rift any day…”
This time, she burst into outright laughter, “You seriously didn’t…oh lord.”
Owen ignored her, holding back his own mirth, carrying on with his ‘Captain Jack’ voice, “For you, ma’am, I’ll make exceptions.”
“Come on then, Captain, I’ll take you.”
“I can’t see it, could you show me, Miss Ianto?”
“Oh, yes, Captain, it’s right behind that desk, you just have to bend right over it…there we go, lovely.”
“Ah, I can see it all properly now.”
“As can I, Captain…”
Owen eventually collapsed in laughter himself, unable to continue with the silly voices, and shaking his head in disbelief he’d managed it that long.
Tosh finally got her breath back, looked up at Owen and surmised, “You know, I think that’s got more plot than real porn any day.”