#050 - Alice Cullen
Title: Love, Life, Meaning... Over
Fandom: Twilight
Characters: Alice Cullen POV
Prompt: My Choice: Denial
Word Count: 2,089
Rating: PG
Summary: Jasper Hale & Alice Cullen are unconditionally in love. They were meant for each and what they have cannot be described. A life without each other cannot exist. Or can it? Jasper has been struggling with his newfound Vegetarian lifestyle with the Cullens. Every day he sees his family strengthen, even his Newborn sister Bella, and he struggles every single day. He has decided to join Peter & Charlotte. What will Alice do when she finds out? Will she stick by the love of her existence no matter what?
Disclaimer: This is a FanFic of the Twilight Saga, written by the marvellous Stephenie Meyer. Unless otherwise specified, none of the characters belong to me.
Chapter 2: Broken
It seemed like only yesterday that he was here with me. We were unbreakable as he held me tightly into his chest. I could still feel his strong arms around my fragile body. I could still smell his warm, familiar scent. Everything was perfect.
It was almost as if it was some sort of dream. I was wondering if somehow I had managed to fall asleep, although it is impossible for Vampires to do such a thing. I felt at peace. I silently pleaded that I really was asleep and hoped no one would wake me. I did not want that beautiful paradise to disappear.
“Alice? Earth to Alice?” Emmett said as he waved his hand manically in my face.
I was comfortably numb in my delusion until Emmett made me open my eyes to reality. But I couldn’t believe that it happened. I couldn’t believe that Jasper really did leave me.
“I’m fine.” I muttered back to Emmett.
Each day went by faster and faster. The whole thing just happened way too fast. One minute he was kissing me passionately and then, in the blink of an eye, he was gone.
It wasn’t fair. Just when our world was perfect, they took him. Peter and Charlotte. They took him, they broke him and they tore out his silent heart. If I didn’t have a reason to hate them before, I did then.
I was shocked… and broken… it’s physically not possible and yet it felt like I was dying inside.
“I love you Alice.” It was him! It was Jasper! I knew he would never leave me!
I ran outside to where I thought the voice came from, searching through the forest trees for that perfect face. All I saw was an endless wall of trees, forest animals running for cover, leaves bouncing from the weight of the rain drops as they landed on them. I was standing there in the pouring rain. I hadn’t even noticed it was raining.
“Jasper? Are you out there?” I whispered, though I knew no one would reply. I was standing all alone.
“Alice!” Bella ran out to me and threw her arms around me. She has been through a similar situation with Edward and knew exactly what I was going through. I couldn’t hide anything from her and it hurt her to see me like this.
“I miss him so much.” I sobbed.
“I know. I know. Come inside.” Bella pulled my arm and dragged me inside. I couldn’t stop her even if I wanted to, she was still stronger than me, but I didn’t have any strength to even try.
You hurt me, Jasper. How could you be smiling as you said goodbye?
“You’re mistaken Alice,” Of course Edward had been reading my mind, “He was trying to hide his misery from you. He’s as hurt as you are.”
That following day, after high school, I was standing at the Forests edge again. He had to be coming, I just knew it. I could feel it. I waited there for him and he never showed. It seemed no matter what I did, my lifeless heart continued to break.
“Alice, why do you do this to yourself?” Carlisle walked up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder, the father looking out for his children.
“Carlisle... I can’t escape it. I keep asking myself what went wrong. Why did he go? What did I do?”
“Only Jasper can answer why he left, but you did nothing wrong. None of us did. He needs to do this for himself. He loves you so much Alice.”
I ran to my room without a backwards glance at Carlisle. I knew that he was trying to help, to make me see reason. But I couldn’t believe it. I knew he had to be out there, somewhere. I would always be waiting for him.
Every second I would check his future, hoping he would choose to turn back. He knew I would be doing this. He made sure Peter & Charlotte never told him where they were going. His only decision was to follow them so I never knew where they would go. Yet, even when I knew he wasn’t coming home, I still had the hope that he would.
As I lay on the floor of our bedroom, I couldn’t help but think that he was there.
Are you there watching me? Please, stay here with me. How are you so strong? What’s it like to feel so free?
“It’s not a feeling of freedom at all,” Of course Edward was reading my mind again, “He’s bound to the temptation of human blood. If he can’t stay here, he’s not strong.” He sat down on the floor beside me.
“Yet he’s strong enough to leave me. He’s okay with that.”
“No, Alice. He thinks that after a couple of weeks living off human blood, he will realise that he is wrong and that’s not the lifestyle for him after all and he will come back home.”
“And you think he won’t come back.”
“I’m sorry. I know how hard it is to turn away from human blood. Jasper was struggling. I can’t see him having the strength to stop.”
“Hurry up Edward!” Emmett said from outside.
“We’re going to play baseball. Bella is excited that she will actually be coordinated enough to play and Renesmee has wanted to watch us for a while. We need our best pitcher...”
“No, I need to be alone.”
I was going crazy. I could not understand how everything and everyone seemed to be going on as normal while my world was crashing down around me. I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep, but Vampires can’t sleep.
“You are strong. You are amazing. I miss you.” His voice filled my head again. I knew it wasn’t real, but I had to believe. I had to.
Is it so hard to give me what I need? All I ever want is you. I gave you everything. I gave you hope, support, love. I never asked for anything from you and now you’re gone.
“I will always be with you. Always.”
I will give anything for you to be here right now. Here’s my heart, please take it. It’s yours.
“My life is empty without you.”
Then find me. Right now. Come back home.
“I love you.”
Where are you? I need you. Please, don’t leave me here on my own. Where are you? I can’t do this without you.
The voices in my head were getting louder and louder. I was screaming for him. I needed him to hear me. I would have done anything to be with him again. To kiss him, to hold him, to love him...
I was falling apart into a million tiny pieces. His voice in my head was making me insane, I don’t know how Bella went through this. But I had to deny it. I had to pretend that I was okay, for Carlisle and Esme. I would have gladly faced the rest of eternity pretending I was okay then to never think of him again for one whole second.
3 weeks had passed. Nothing had changed. I couldn’t face the world that was keeping us apart anymore. I had to do something.
What if we went far away, just the two of us? All we need is a brand new start. I’ll give up everything I have just to be with you. I can’t exist without you.
“Don’t you leave too.” Will Edward ever stop reading my mind?
“Leave? Alice?” Esme was so worried. She had already lost a son, she couldn’t lose me too.
I did a quick look into my future, to see what would happen if I did go after him. But I couldn’t see me leaving. I could only see me staying there pretending to be okay when I was broken up inside.
“I’m not leaving.” I reassured Esme.
“Aunty Alice, will you help me choose an outfit?” Renesmee asked.
She and Bella were trying to get me out of that stupor. But not even my passion for fashion could have stimulated me. Even when Bella had dressed Renesmee all wrong!
“Maybe later.” I lied.
That next day at school we were sitting at our usual table in the cafeteria for lunch. I was staring at my plate of untouched food, moving the pasta around vaguely with my fork, when I was hit by a strong whiff of a cinnamon-like scent. Jasper’s scent.
“Jasper!” I said as I searched the cafeteria.
“Oh, crap. Sorry Alice.” Emmett said, low enough that the human’s couldn’t hear, from the entrance of the Cafeteria. As he walked across the room I noticed that he was wearing Jasper’s black leather biker jacket. The one that I had bought for him from New York City after Edward had given him the motorbike he bought to ride with Bella. Jasper absolutely loved it.
“Do I look cool?” He asked as he walked around wearing the jacket and a huge smile across his face.
“He left it behind and I’ve always liked this jacket! I didn’t think you would mind.” Emmett interrupted my day dream.
“No. I don’t mind at all.” I lied through gritted teeth.
“You could be a little more considerate Emmett.” Edward rubbed my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me.
Jasper’s presence was lingering everywhere I went. It wouldn’t leave me alone. He wouldn’t leave me alone. There was so much I wanted to say to him, if only I could speak to him.
“You can always speak to me. I’m here for you. I love you.”
I knew I was the only one who could hear his soothing voice. All of it was in my head, but I didn’t care. All the things he said were taunting me. Still, I didn’t want them to leave. I wanted to hear him.
But then, I saw him. I could see him sitting at an empty table at the other end of the cafeteria. He looked over at me and smiled the smile I first fell in love with. I looked back at him, returning his smile with the biggest one I could muster. I looked into his warm golden eyes and felt the love I was afraid was lost.
I walked towards the table. I never took my eyes off him, afraid he would disappear the moment I looked away. I had to use all of my strength to walk at a human pace. When I reached the table everything suddenly changed.
“Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone I knew.” I answered the alarmed student.
“What is she doing?” Rosalie asked. All five of them had been watching my every move.
Every time I want to talk to you I can’t. Do you know the hell you are putting me through? I’m seeing and hearing you all the time. Speak to me, please.
“I love you.”
I can’t survive unless I know you’re with me.
“I’m right here.”
I see you... I feel you... Don’t leave my side.
“Never.”
I wish I could believe you. I’m going to break down soon if I continue like this. You were everything to me. I’m such a mess.
“You’re beautiful. Stay strong. I miss you.”
“Alice! Please talk to me. I want to help you.” Edward put his arm around my shoulders protectively and led me outside the cafeteria. We walked into the encroaching Forrest beside Building F and, once we were out of sight, ran till we were deep in the Forrest.
“I wish I couldn’t feel at all. I just want to be numb. I’m breaking down, Edward. I keep trying to get up, but keep falling back. I love him, then I hate him... everything changes so suddenly. Just when I think I’m okay out of nowhere I hear him and go insane. I just want him back.”
Please Jasper, please. Say you’re here and it’s all over now.
“He’s not here, Alice. You need to stop thinking that he is.”
Edward was talking, but I couldn’t hear him. His eyes were sad when he looked at me, he was hurt for me. I didn’t want his sympathy. I was tired of everything around me. So I smiled and thanked Edward for being there for me, but I didn’t feel a thing.
There was a part of me missing and it changed me, changed everything.
I was not me.
Fandom: Twilight
Characters: Alice Cullen POV
Prompt: My Choice: Denial
Word Count: 2,089
Rating: PG
Summary: Jasper Hale & Alice Cullen are unconditionally in love. They were meant for each and what they have cannot be described. A life without each other cannot exist. Or can it? Jasper has been struggling with his newfound Vegetarian lifestyle with the Cullens. Every day he sees his family strengthen, even his Newborn sister Bella, and he struggles every single day. He has decided to join Peter & Charlotte. What will Alice do when she finds out? Will she stick by the love of her existence no matter what?
Disclaimer: This is a FanFic of the Twilight Saga, written by the marvellous Stephenie Meyer. Unless otherwise specified, none of the characters belong to me.
Chapter 2: Broken
It seemed like only yesterday that he was here with me. We were unbreakable as he held me tightly into his chest. I could still feel his strong arms around my fragile body. I could still smell his warm, familiar scent. Everything was perfect.
It was almost as if it was some sort of dream. I was wondering if somehow I had managed to fall asleep, although it is impossible for Vampires to do such a thing. I felt at peace. I silently pleaded that I really was asleep and hoped no one would wake me. I did not want that beautiful paradise to disappear.
“Alice? Earth to Alice?” Emmett said as he waved his hand manically in my face.
I was comfortably numb in my delusion until Emmett made me open my eyes to reality. But I couldn’t believe that it happened. I couldn’t believe that Jasper really did leave me.
“I’m fine.” I muttered back to Emmett.
Each day went by faster and faster. The whole thing just happened way too fast. One minute he was kissing me passionately and then, in the blink of an eye, he was gone.
It wasn’t fair. Just when our world was perfect, they took him. Peter and Charlotte. They took him, they broke him and they tore out his silent heart. If I didn’t have a reason to hate them before, I did then.
I was shocked… and broken… it’s physically not possible and yet it felt like I was dying inside.
“I love you Alice.” It was him! It was Jasper! I knew he would never leave me!
I ran outside to where I thought the voice came from, searching through the forest trees for that perfect face. All I saw was an endless wall of trees, forest animals running for cover, leaves bouncing from the weight of the rain drops as they landed on them. I was standing there in the pouring rain. I hadn’t even noticed it was raining.
“Jasper? Are you out there?” I whispered, though I knew no one would reply. I was standing all alone.
“Alice!” Bella ran out to me and threw her arms around me. She has been through a similar situation with Edward and knew exactly what I was going through. I couldn’t hide anything from her and it hurt her to see me like this.
“I miss him so much.” I sobbed.
“I know. I know. Come inside.” Bella pulled my arm and dragged me inside. I couldn’t stop her even if I wanted to, she was still stronger than me, but I didn’t have any strength to even try.
You hurt me, Jasper. How could you be smiling as you said goodbye?
“You’re mistaken Alice,” Of course Edward had been reading my mind, “He was trying to hide his misery from you. He’s as hurt as you are.”
That following day, after high school, I was standing at the Forests edge again. He had to be coming, I just knew it. I could feel it. I waited there for him and he never showed. It seemed no matter what I did, my lifeless heart continued to break.
“Alice, why do you do this to yourself?” Carlisle walked up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder, the father looking out for his children.
“Carlisle... I can’t escape it. I keep asking myself what went wrong. Why did he go? What did I do?”
“Only Jasper can answer why he left, but you did nothing wrong. None of us did. He needs to do this for himself. He loves you so much Alice.”
I ran to my room without a backwards glance at Carlisle. I knew that he was trying to help, to make me see reason. But I couldn’t believe it. I knew he had to be out there, somewhere. I would always be waiting for him.
Every second I would check his future, hoping he would choose to turn back. He knew I would be doing this. He made sure Peter & Charlotte never told him where they were going. His only decision was to follow them so I never knew where they would go. Yet, even when I knew he wasn’t coming home, I still had the hope that he would.
As I lay on the floor of our bedroom, I couldn’t help but think that he was there.
Are you there watching me? Please, stay here with me. How are you so strong? What’s it like to feel so free?
“It’s not a feeling of freedom at all,” Of course Edward was reading my mind again, “He’s bound to the temptation of human blood. If he can’t stay here, he’s not strong.” He sat down on the floor beside me.
“Yet he’s strong enough to leave me. He’s okay with that.”
“No, Alice. He thinks that after a couple of weeks living off human blood, he will realise that he is wrong and that’s not the lifestyle for him after all and he will come back home.”
“And you think he won’t come back.”
“I’m sorry. I know how hard it is to turn away from human blood. Jasper was struggling. I can’t see him having the strength to stop.”
“Hurry up Edward!” Emmett said from outside.
“We’re going to play baseball. Bella is excited that she will actually be coordinated enough to play and Renesmee has wanted to watch us for a while. We need our best pitcher...”
“No, I need to be alone.”
I was going crazy. I could not understand how everything and everyone seemed to be going on as normal while my world was crashing down around me. I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep, but Vampires can’t sleep.
“You are strong. You are amazing. I miss you.” His voice filled my head again. I knew it wasn’t real, but I had to believe. I had to.
Is it so hard to give me what I need? All I ever want is you. I gave you everything. I gave you hope, support, love. I never asked for anything from you and now you’re gone.
“I will always be with you. Always.”
I will give anything for you to be here right now. Here’s my heart, please take it. It’s yours.
“My life is empty without you.”
Then find me. Right now. Come back home.
“I love you.”
Where are you? I need you. Please, don’t leave me here on my own. Where are you? I can’t do this without you.
The voices in my head were getting louder and louder. I was screaming for him. I needed him to hear me. I would have done anything to be with him again. To kiss him, to hold him, to love him...
I was falling apart into a million tiny pieces. His voice in my head was making me insane, I don’t know how Bella went through this. But I had to deny it. I had to pretend that I was okay, for Carlisle and Esme. I would have gladly faced the rest of eternity pretending I was okay then to never think of him again for one whole second.
3 weeks had passed. Nothing had changed. I couldn’t face the world that was keeping us apart anymore. I had to do something.
What if we went far away, just the two of us? All we need is a brand new start. I’ll give up everything I have just to be with you. I can’t exist without you.
“Don’t you leave too.” Will Edward ever stop reading my mind?
“Leave? Alice?” Esme was so worried. She had already lost a son, she couldn’t lose me too.
I did a quick look into my future, to see what would happen if I did go after him. But I couldn’t see me leaving. I could only see me staying there pretending to be okay when I was broken up inside.
“I’m not leaving.” I reassured Esme.
“Aunty Alice, will you help me choose an outfit?” Renesmee asked.
She and Bella were trying to get me out of that stupor. But not even my passion for fashion could have stimulated me. Even when Bella had dressed Renesmee all wrong!
“Maybe later.” I lied.
That next day at school we were sitting at our usual table in the cafeteria for lunch. I was staring at my plate of untouched food, moving the pasta around vaguely with my fork, when I was hit by a strong whiff of a cinnamon-like scent. Jasper’s scent.
“Jasper!” I said as I searched the cafeteria.
“Oh, crap. Sorry Alice.” Emmett said, low enough that the human’s couldn’t hear, from the entrance of the Cafeteria. As he walked across the room I noticed that he was wearing Jasper’s black leather biker jacket. The one that I had bought for him from New York City after Edward had given him the motorbike he bought to ride with Bella. Jasper absolutely loved it.
“Do I look cool?” He asked as he walked around wearing the jacket and a huge smile across his face.
“He left it behind and I’ve always liked this jacket! I didn’t think you would mind.” Emmett interrupted my day dream.
“No. I don’t mind at all.” I lied through gritted teeth.
“You could be a little more considerate Emmett.” Edward rubbed my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me.
Jasper’s presence was lingering everywhere I went. It wouldn’t leave me alone. He wouldn’t leave me alone. There was so much I wanted to say to him, if only I could speak to him.
“You can always speak to me. I’m here for you. I love you.”
I knew I was the only one who could hear his soothing voice. All of it was in my head, but I didn’t care. All the things he said were taunting me. Still, I didn’t want them to leave. I wanted to hear him.
But then, I saw him. I could see him sitting at an empty table at the other end of the cafeteria. He looked over at me and smiled the smile I first fell in love with. I looked back at him, returning his smile with the biggest one I could muster. I looked into his warm golden eyes and felt the love I was afraid was lost.
I walked towards the table. I never took my eyes off him, afraid he would disappear the moment I looked away. I had to use all of my strength to walk at a human pace. When I reached the table everything suddenly changed.
“Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone I knew.” I answered the alarmed student.
“What is she doing?” Rosalie asked. All five of them had been watching my every move.
Every time I want to talk to you I can’t. Do you know the hell you are putting me through? I’m seeing and hearing you all the time. Speak to me, please.
“I love you.”
I can’t survive unless I know you’re with me.
“I’m right here.”
I see you... I feel you... Don’t leave my side.
“Never.”
I wish I could believe you. I’m going to break down soon if I continue like this. You were everything to me. I’m such a mess.
“You’re beautiful. Stay strong. I miss you.”
“Alice! Please talk to me. I want to help you.” Edward put his arm around my shoulders protectively and led me outside the cafeteria. We walked into the encroaching Forrest beside Building F and, once we were out of sight, ran till we were deep in the Forrest.
“I wish I couldn’t feel at all. I just want to be numb. I’m breaking down, Edward. I keep trying to get up, but keep falling back. I love him, then I hate him... everything changes so suddenly. Just when I think I’m okay out of nowhere I hear him and go insane. I just want him back.”
Please Jasper, please. Say you’re here and it’s all over now.
“He’s not here, Alice. You need to stop thinking that he is.”
Edward was talking, but I couldn’t hear him. His eyes were sad when he looked at me, he was hurt for me. I didn’t want his sympathy. I was tired of everything around me. So I smiled and thanked Edward for being there for me, but I didn’t feel a thing.
There was a part of me missing and it changed me, changed everything.
I was not me.