The Dresden Files / Bob / #33. Sarcasm
Finito!
Title: Exitus Acta Probat
Author: Cyloran
Fandom: The Dresden Files (tv-verse)
Character: Bob and a few uninvited guests
Prompt: 33. Sarcasm
Word Count: 1,611
Rating: PG
Summary: A wee case of mistaken identity.
Note: The title translates to the result justifies the deed.
Disclaimer: The Dresden Files do not belong to me; just passing through.
Table: Here There be Ghosts
"Aw'right, Dresden!" The wererat waved his gun like it was a baton, punctuating every sentence with a sharp jab. "Take us ta yer lab and make it snappy!"
"As I have already explained, I am not-"
"-Harry Dresden. Yeah, yeah, sure sure." The wiry, rodent-faced man rolled his beady black eyes. "We've heard it all b'fore, ain't we, Guido?"
"Uh, yup. We has, boss."
"Right. Now show us ta da lab, Dresden, or we start shootin' off body parts. Capisce?"
"I must admit, that does sound disagreeable."
"And guess which one we'll be startin' with?"
"I shudder to think," came the terse reply. "Oh, very well. If you insist."
"I've got da gun. Dat means I insist." Sheesh! Was this guy dense or what?
"An excellent point. This way, gentlemen." The tall, elegantly dressed wizard turned and strode toward a narrow hallway at the rear of the shop.
Guido leaned close to his boss and whispered, "What's wid dis guy, Bruno? He stupid or what?"
Bruno narrowed his eyes at the man's retreating back. "Stupid like a fox. He's stallin' for time, hopin' someone'll come to his rescue."
"But ain't no one comin', right, Boss?"
Bruno bared yellowed incisors in a cruel smile. "Not in time ta save his sorry ass. Come on."
Their guide stopped in the center of the hallway and nodded toward the brick wall. "Here we are. The laboratory, as requested." He bowed to them and said, "After you."
"Ohhhhh, no ya don't! My mama didn't raise no idiot children."
"I beg to differ."
"What?"
"Nothing. You were saying?"
"Hah, hah. I'm laughin," growled Bruno. "You go right on bein' a wiseass, Dresden, and see if I don't start takin' a few bites outta ya just for fun. Now-" He jerked the gun toward the wall and what he assumed was a well concealed door. "I know youse got all sorts a magic and traps and shit on that thing there, so you do the opening. Niiiicee and slow."
"I have a much better idea. Why don't I lead and you follow?" So saying, the wizard stepped through the wall and vanished.
"WHOA! Boss! Boss! He's gone! He's gone!"
"DAMMIT! I can see that, ya idiot!"
"But BOSS! He just stepped right through the wall and-OWWW!" Guido rocked backward on his heels from the force of the slap that caught him across the jaw.
"Get a hold a yerself, will ya? Dis is exactly da sorta thing da Big Guy warned us about."
Guido rubbed his stinging jaw. "Whadda we do now?"
Bruno pulled an amulet from the pocket of his seedy brown coat and wrapped the oily black cord three times around his fist. "We open it. Dis little baby should short-circuit any wards he's got on da door."
"Are ya sure?"
"Of course I'm sure! Da Big Guy has got some pretty heavy mojo, right?"
"Right…"
"And dis Dresden guy is just a two bit magic user. Not a problem."
"Yeah, but…"
"But what?"
"Da Big Guy also said he was a young guy. Brown hair, brown eyes. Dis guy is tall and white haired and blue eyed and not so young and-"
"You questionin' my authority?" Bruno lifted his hand for another slap.
Guido winced and cowered backward. "No, Boss."
"Good. See dat ya don't." Gun in his right hand and amulet in his left, Bruno turned back to the offending wall. "Now then. Let's go have a look-see at what's behind door number one."
Opposing magic flared around the amulet in the wererat's hand then rolled harmlessly away. "Ya see? Nuthin to it!" said Bruno smugly and pushed the door inward.
"Ah! There you are!" their host greeted them from the other side. "I was afraid I might have lost you." His gaze shifted briefly to the talisman in the larger were's fist. "You encountered little resistance, I presume."
"No problem at all." Bruno held up the amulet, letting him get a closer look at the runes inscribed upon the metal before pocketing it. "Now den. Where wuz we?"
"You wished access to the laboratory. You have now achieved it." The wizard indicated the workroom filled floor to ceiling with shelves of neatly labeled bottles, cartons, jars, and boxes. "Feel free to help yourselves to the inventory. We have a new shipment arriving at the end of the week." He lifted pale eyebrows. "Unless there was something specific that you were looking for?"
"We want da skull," said Guido.
"Oh?" The wizard indicated a shelf. "Powdered, pickled, or putrefied?"
"Not bone, ya dope. A skull, in one piece!"
"Really? One piece?" He stroked his chin, expression thoughtful. "Well, we do have those specimens over there…" This shelf bore the bleached white skulls of various animals. "You might find the small one on the far right of singular interest." It was a rat skull, after all.
"Okay, smart guy. Let's see how funny ya think dis is!" growled Bruno and aimed the gun at the wizard's left kneecap.
"No, wait!" he exclaimed, extending his hands palms outward in a placating gesture. "I have had a change of heart! I will cooperate with you."
"Dat's better," said Bruno with satisfaction. "Now give us da skull."
"Yes. Of course." Hands still held in the air, he nodded toward the uppermost shelf. "The large jar there, in the center."
"Get it, Guido. I'll keep an eye on Dresden here."
"Right!" Guido hurried over to the shelf and grabbed the jar. Filled with fine black slivers as thin as rat whiskers, it bore a neatly lettered label that read Acanthite. "Dis don't look like no skull to me, Boss."
"Me neither. What kinda trick is dis, Dresden?"
"Really, sir," he said indignantly. "Surely you don't expect a skull as valuable as the one you seek to be sitting in plain sight for anyone to see."
"He's got a point," said Guido. "Da Big Guy said it'd be hidden."
For the first time, Bruno seemed uncertain. "He did," he finally admitted. "But I was figgerin' he meant it'd be in some kinda safe or somethin'."
"A safe?" sniffed their host. "How very mundane. Why would a wizard resort to a mere safe when he could transmute the object into whatever form that pleases him?"
It sounded right. After all, da Big Guy did say Dresden was tricky. Still…
"What if I don't believe ya?"
"That is your prerogative, of course," he replied politely. "You are welcome to explore the entire building but you will not find the artifact you are seeking." He shrugged. "It is your time to waste."
And time was not something they had in abundance. The Big Guy was waiting for his prize, with a substantial wad of cash for the ones that brought it to him.
"Alright," said Bruno, relenting. "So how do we change it back inta da skull?"
"Oh, it's a simple enough procedure. You need only hold the jar between your hands, invoke the magic words, and smash it upon the ground with all of your might." He took a step forward. "Here! Allow me to-"
"Ohhhhh no ya don't!" snapped Bruno. "None of yer wizard funny business! You get back dere outta da way. I don't want ya anywhere near dis. You so much as twitch, I'll perforate ya!" He nudged Guido with an elbow and said in a low tone, "Get ready to do what he sez. Da minute it changes, you grab da skull."
Guido gripped the jar between his hands. "Got it, Boss!"
"Alright, Dresden. Make wid da magic words and no funny business!"
"I assure you, gentlemen, that I am taking this quite seriously," he assured them. "Now then, hold the jar thusly … excellent. It is a three word incantation. Be prepared to smash it just as hard as you can. Ready?" He drew himself up to his most regal (and presumably wizardly) pose and intoned in a sonorous baritone, "Exitus … Acta … Probat!"
On the last word, Guido lifted the jar high overhead then smashed it to the concrete floor with all of his might. The fragile container shattered into a glittering shower of glass shards, releasing a cloud of tiny black filings that puffed up and out.
Guido tried to wave the cloud away as he bent down to see the floor and their prize. "Heyyyyyy! Wait a minute! I don't see no … no … GACK!!" The wererat's face turned a livid shade of red as he struggled for breath. In the next instant he dropped to the floor among the shards of broken glass, shuddered, and was still.
The black cloud seared Bruno's hands and face, instantly raising boils across his acnied flesh. "What'd ya do ta me?" he screamed as he clawed at his throat and started to wheeze. "WHAT DA FUCK DID YA DO??"
"I? I did nothing," Bob assured him. "It was your colleague who shattered the jar, not I. Is it my fault that neither of you speak Latin?"
"If I'm goin' down … then so're you, Dresden!" croaked Bruno and emptied the gun's magazine into the wizard's head and chest.
The bullets passed harmlessly through the ghost, shattering jars and bottles on the shelf behind him and digging divots in the brick wall beyond.
"Whaa--?" Bruno had just the briefest moment to wonder how the hell he'd managed that trick when he toppled over onto his back, gasping.
"Perhaps I should mention that I am not Harry Dresden," said Bob. "That was your first mistake." As the light died in the wererat's eyes, he grimly concluded, "And your last."
Title: Exitus Acta Probat
Author: Cyloran
Fandom: The Dresden Files (tv-verse)
Character: Bob and a few uninvited guests
Prompt: 33. Sarcasm
Word Count: 1,611
Rating: PG
Summary: A wee case of mistaken identity.
Note: The title translates to the result justifies the deed.
Disclaimer: The Dresden Files do not belong to me; just passing through.
Table: Here There be Ghosts
"Aw'right, Dresden!" The wererat waved his gun like it was a baton, punctuating every sentence with a sharp jab. "Take us ta yer lab and make it snappy!"
"As I have already explained, I am not-"
"-Harry Dresden. Yeah, yeah, sure sure." The wiry, rodent-faced man rolled his beady black eyes. "We've heard it all b'fore, ain't we, Guido?"
"Uh, yup. We has, boss."
"Right. Now show us ta da lab, Dresden, or we start shootin' off body parts. Capisce?"
"I must admit, that does sound disagreeable."
"And guess which one we'll be startin' with?"
"I shudder to think," came the terse reply. "Oh, very well. If you insist."
"I've got da gun. Dat means I insist." Sheesh! Was this guy dense or what?
"An excellent point. This way, gentlemen." The tall, elegantly dressed wizard turned and strode toward a narrow hallway at the rear of the shop.
Guido leaned close to his boss and whispered, "What's wid dis guy, Bruno? He stupid or what?"
Bruno narrowed his eyes at the man's retreating back. "Stupid like a fox. He's stallin' for time, hopin' someone'll come to his rescue."
"But ain't no one comin', right, Boss?"
Bruno bared yellowed incisors in a cruel smile. "Not in time ta save his sorry ass. Come on."
Their guide stopped in the center of the hallway and nodded toward the brick wall. "Here we are. The laboratory, as requested." He bowed to them and said, "After you."
"Ohhhhh, no ya don't! My mama didn't raise no idiot children."
"I beg to differ."
"What?"
"Nothing. You were saying?"
"Hah, hah. I'm laughin," growled Bruno. "You go right on bein' a wiseass, Dresden, and see if I don't start takin' a few bites outta ya just for fun. Now-" He jerked the gun toward the wall and what he assumed was a well concealed door. "I know youse got all sorts a magic and traps and shit on that thing there, so you do the opening. Niiiicee and slow."
"I have a much better idea. Why don't I lead and you follow?" So saying, the wizard stepped through the wall and vanished.
"WHOA! Boss! Boss! He's gone! He's gone!"
"DAMMIT! I can see that, ya idiot!"
"But BOSS! He just stepped right through the wall and-OWWW!" Guido rocked backward on his heels from the force of the slap that caught him across the jaw.
"Get a hold a yerself, will ya? Dis is exactly da sorta thing da Big Guy warned us about."
Guido rubbed his stinging jaw. "Whadda we do now?"
Bruno pulled an amulet from the pocket of his seedy brown coat and wrapped the oily black cord three times around his fist. "We open it. Dis little baby should short-circuit any wards he's got on da door."
"Are ya sure?"
"Of course I'm sure! Da Big Guy has got some pretty heavy mojo, right?"
"Right…"
"And dis Dresden guy is just a two bit magic user. Not a problem."
"Yeah, but…"
"But what?"
"Da Big Guy also said he was a young guy. Brown hair, brown eyes. Dis guy is tall and white haired and blue eyed and not so young and-"
"You questionin' my authority?" Bruno lifted his hand for another slap.
Guido winced and cowered backward. "No, Boss."
"Good. See dat ya don't." Gun in his right hand and amulet in his left, Bruno turned back to the offending wall. "Now then. Let's go have a look-see at what's behind door number one."
Opposing magic flared around the amulet in the wererat's hand then rolled harmlessly away. "Ya see? Nuthin to it!" said Bruno smugly and pushed the door inward.
"Ah! There you are!" their host greeted them from the other side. "I was afraid I might have lost you." His gaze shifted briefly to the talisman in the larger were's fist. "You encountered little resistance, I presume."
"No problem at all." Bruno held up the amulet, letting him get a closer look at the runes inscribed upon the metal before pocketing it. "Now den. Where wuz we?"
"You wished access to the laboratory. You have now achieved it." The wizard indicated the workroom filled floor to ceiling with shelves of neatly labeled bottles, cartons, jars, and boxes. "Feel free to help yourselves to the inventory. We have a new shipment arriving at the end of the week." He lifted pale eyebrows. "Unless there was something specific that you were looking for?"
"We want da skull," said Guido.
"Oh?" The wizard indicated a shelf. "Powdered, pickled, or putrefied?"
"Not bone, ya dope. A skull, in one piece!"
"Really? One piece?" He stroked his chin, expression thoughtful. "Well, we do have those specimens over there…" This shelf bore the bleached white skulls of various animals. "You might find the small one on the far right of singular interest." It was a rat skull, after all.
"Okay, smart guy. Let's see how funny ya think dis is!" growled Bruno and aimed the gun at the wizard's left kneecap.
"No, wait!" he exclaimed, extending his hands palms outward in a placating gesture. "I have had a change of heart! I will cooperate with you."
"Dat's better," said Bruno with satisfaction. "Now give us da skull."
"Yes. Of course." Hands still held in the air, he nodded toward the uppermost shelf. "The large jar there, in the center."
"Get it, Guido. I'll keep an eye on Dresden here."
"Right!" Guido hurried over to the shelf and grabbed the jar. Filled with fine black slivers as thin as rat whiskers, it bore a neatly lettered label that read Acanthite. "Dis don't look like no skull to me, Boss."
"Me neither. What kinda trick is dis, Dresden?"
"Really, sir," he said indignantly. "Surely you don't expect a skull as valuable as the one you seek to be sitting in plain sight for anyone to see."
"He's got a point," said Guido. "Da Big Guy said it'd be hidden."
For the first time, Bruno seemed uncertain. "He did," he finally admitted. "But I was figgerin' he meant it'd be in some kinda safe or somethin'."
"A safe?" sniffed their host. "How very mundane. Why would a wizard resort to a mere safe when he could transmute the object into whatever form that pleases him?"
It sounded right. After all, da Big Guy did say Dresden was tricky. Still…
"What if I don't believe ya?"
"That is your prerogative, of course," he replied politely. "You are welcome to explore the entire building but you will not find the artifact you are seeking." He shrugged. "It is your time to waste."
And time was not something they had in abundance. The Big Guy was waiting for his prize, with a substantial wad of cash for the ones that brought it to him.
"Alright," said Bruno, relenting. "So how do we change it back inta da skull?"
"Oh, it's a simple enough procedure. You need only hold the jar between your hands, invoke the magic words, and smash it upon the ground with all of your might." He took a step forward. "Here! Allow me to-"
"Ohhhhh no ya don't!" snapped Bruno. "None of yer wizard funny business! You get back dere outta da way. I don't want ya anywhere near dis. You so much as twitch, I'll perforate ya!" He nudged Guido with an elbow and said in a low tone, "Get ready to do what he sez. Da minute it changes, you grab da skull."
Guido gripped the jar between his hands. "Got it, Boss!"
"Alright, Dresden. Make wid da magic words and no funny business!"
"I assure you, gentlemen, that I am taking this quite seriously," he assured them. "Now then, hold the jar thusly … excellent. It is a three word incantation. Be prepared to smash it just as hard as you can. Ready?" He drew himself up to his most regal (and presumably wizardly) pose and intoned in a sonorous baritone, "Exitus … Acta … Probat!"
On the last word, Guido lifted the jar high overhead then smashed it to the concrete floor with all of his might. The fragile container shattered into a glittering shower of glass shards, releasing a cloud of tiny black filings that puffed up and out.
Guido tried to wave the cloud away as he bent down to see the floor and their prize. "Heyyyyyy! Wait a minute! I don't see no … no … GACK!!" The wererat's face turned a livid shade of red as he struggled for breath. In the next instant he dropped to the floor among the shards of broken glass, shuddered, and was still.
The black cloud seared Bruno's hands and face, instantly raising boils across his acnied flesh. "What'd ya do ta me?" he screamed as he clawed at his throat and started to wheeze. "WHAT DA FUCK DID YA DO??"
"I? I did nothing," Bob assured him. "It was your colleague who shattered the jar, not I. Is it my fault that neither of you speak Latin?"
"If I'm goin' down … then so're you, Dresden!" croaked Bruno and emptied the gun's magazine into the wizard's head and chest.
The bullets passed harmlessly through the ghost, shattering jars and bottles on the shelf behind him and digging divots in the brick wall beyond.
"Whaa--?" Bruno had just the briefest moment to wonder how the hell he'd managed that trick when he toppled over onto his back, gasping.
"Perhaps I should mention that I am not Harry Dresden," said Bob. "That was your first mistake." As the light died in the wererat's eyes, he grimly concluded, "And your last."