Did she ever love me?
I wanted to write this story for half a month already. I got the idea after seeing Anton Zetterholm as Sarah. He gave me the impression his Alfred would have the courage to dump Sarah eventually. Now I came to think about it, I think the Alfred in this story must be based on Gernot a bit more...Gernot would be able to do it too, I think! I'm looking forward to hear what you guys think about it!
Alfred stared out of the small window of their little room. The first lights of the sun brightened up the world, but not his eyes. She didn’t came home today, and it was not the first time. The last time he saw her was a few days ago. She had come home, after being away for half a week, a few minutes before the sun raised, had said that she was tired and had fallen asleep. Alfred smiled a painful smile. Or she had pretender to be tired and asleep.
Of course he had forgiven her being absent, he always forgave her everything, but he did want to spent some time with her, talk with her, do the things they did when she had turned him into a vampire. He was planning to ask her at sunset, but before he could say one word he had realized she was gone already. Gone again. They actually hadn’t spent time together for a few years already. She was always gone and he waited at home for her to come back. In the beginning she did come back every night, she always came back. Sometimes she had brought him a drink, sometimes they had talked, sometimes she had given him her body to love.
But time went by and more and more she didn’t return. At first she didn’t return for just one day, telling him that the sunrise came earlier than she expected and had to find another place to sleep, but more and more she didn’t return for days, or sometimes even a week. At first she had pretended to feel guilty for leaving him alone. She had caressed his body, she had drought his tears, she had kissed his lips. She had told him everything he wanted to hear and he always had forgotten the pain he felt the time she had not been there.
But the last months she hadn’t talk to him anymore. She was barely at home and if she was she didn’t say a word. At first he thought it was just normal. He had a hard time dealing with the fact he had become a vampire, it mustn’t be easy for her too. But if he had tried to say something to help her, she had seemed so absence, so not caring. It was as if she had just been home because she had no other place to go. He wondered if she was still even thinking about this place as home.
Alfred walked back to his chair, out of the sunlight that would make awful wounds on his pale skin. He loved Sarah. He loved her beauty, the way she talked, the way she caressed his body. He loved the fact that she had chosen him over the count. He loved the way she looked at him, the way she smiled, the way she walked. But now he was wondering if her loving him had ever been real. She hadn’t stay home with him when the count came to invite her, she hadn’t give in when he wanted to save her in the castle and if he was honest to himself, she hadn’t be willing to run with them into the forest.
He clearly remembered how her head had rest on his knee, how his hand had caressed her hair and how he had been picturing their future together. He hadn’t been thinking of her becoming a vampire, not anymore. He had thought everything was alright. He had dreamed of the two of them being together and exploring the world. But she had become a vampire. She had bitten him and he had been thinking it was because she had wanted him to be with her.
He shook his head. She hadn’t wanted him to be with her, she had been thirsty and he had been the closest by. But she had taken him with her, running away into the world, finding a place to live. She had been making out with him, she had been living with him, she had been searching for a home with him. Maybe because he had been the only one she had? Or was there something in her that loved him as much as he loved her? He knew he should ask her when she would come home again. If she came home again.
Alfred tried to sleep, tried to reconsider if he really would ask her about this, tried to find the right words to tell her, but she didn’t come home. He waited days, the days became a week and still Sarah wasn’t there. He did realize her being away was part of the answer he was asking for, but still...he did want to know if everything he had believed in so far had been real. Although he didn’t know how if he wanted to know if it turned out to be a lie.
Eventually, after a few weeks, he heard the slamming of the door. He knew it was her, only Sarah slammed the door like that. He took a deep breath. For once in his life he would take control over her. He wouldn’t let her fall asleep before he had his answer, he wouldn’t weaken when she tried to beg him, when she would tell him he was tired. This time he was in charge and she had to answer.
He looked at the girl coming in and realized she was still as beautiful as always. He tried to focus. This wasn’t the time to fall for her charms. “Welcome back...” He nodded to her and tried to look confident and strong. He didn’t want to show her how her absence had hurt him, although she would realize that when he would come up with his question. “Had some nice days out there?” He tried to sound polite, but her eyes looked bored.
“I’m tired...I’m not in the mood to talk right now...” She wanted to turn away, but Alfred grabbed her arm.
“Maybe you’re not, but I am.” He saw the surprise in her eyes, not being used to the fact that he took control, not being used to the fact that he protested against something she said. “We need to talk right now.” He tried to sound strong, but he couldn’t help thinking that if they didn’t talk today he had to wait at least another month.
“Can’t we talk after a good day of sleep?” She smiled to him and he felt his heart beating in his chest. It wouldn’t work this time, she wouldn’t be able to make him do everything she wanted.
“No, I want to talk now.” He paused for a while and took a deep breath. “Before your gone again.” She didn’t seem amused, but he didn’t care for the first time ever. What did she think? That he liked it when she was gone for a few weeks without letting him know something?
“Alfred, we will have a good talk after a good day of sleep, I promise!” He looked into her pretty eyes and felt his heart melting again, but he did remember what she did the last time she promised him something.
“As if you promising something counts...” He knew he sounded a bit bitter, but maybe that was something good. Maybe it was the only way to let her know how he felt. He did love her, that hadn’t change, he just wanted know if loving her was worth it. “I can’t remember the last time you held your promise.” He swallowed. “If you have ever held them.”
“O, it’s gonna be such a talk...well, if that’s what you want, be my guest...” She fell down in one of the chairs and looked even more bored than she had already looked. Alfred hesitated for a while. “Well, take a seat, say what you want to say and then let me sleep...” He felt the anger burning in his veins and sat down and tried to look at her with all the fierce he had.
“Why don’t you come home anymore?” He wanted to give her a chance, maybe she had a good reason for staying away and maybe he would ruin everything by being mad.
“You’re gonna force me to give you a reason?” She crossed her arms and looked as if she wasn’t planning to give him an answer. He already knew where this conversation would end.
“No, I just hoped you had a good reason to stay away, but I guess I made a mistake...” He tried no to show that she was moving him into tears. He tried to swallow them away and he tried to keep his voice strong and cold.
“Maybe I just stay away because I don’t like it here anymore.” He hated when she talked like that, but maybe it was time to realize the truth. “You know, Alfred.” He heard a glimpse of her sweet voice, but it was mixed with arrogance and it didn’t sound as beautiful anymore as he remembered. “I thought turning you into a vampire would change you.” She paused for a while and lied a hand on his knee. “I thought it would make you more adventurous, stronger, bolder. I thought it would change you into something less boring, less good, less weak.” Alfred sighed, but gave her the room to talk. It was the first talk they had in months, maybe not the talk he had hoped for, but it was at least something. “But you’re still your old self, so sometimes I just want something more. Do you understand?”
Do your understand? Did she really ask him if he understood her? What did she think? Did she really believe that he was just a toy she could play with? That she could push the on button if she wanted too and could turn him off again if she wanted something else? Did she really think he would wait for unconditionally? That he would allow her to do everything she wanted? That he would never complain or never ask for more? Was that the way she wanted to treat him? “No...I don’t understand...” He paused for a while and saw the amusement in her eyes. “And you’re not gone sometimes, you’re almost always gone and when you’re home you just want to sleep. You don’t want me anymore, do you?”
Her laughing broke his heart. “Of course I still want you! I just want something else too, so...can’t you be a little bit more patient?” She used the most childish voice she had and he knew she was trying to make him fall for her again. But it won’t work, not anymore. It was not enough to be loved now and then, he want to be loved always. He want to be loved like he loved. He didn’t want to be loved alone when there wasn’t someone else around, he wanted to be the only one.
“I guess then it’s a better idea that I’ll go and find another place to live.” He stood up again and looked at the room that he considered as his home. “I’m tired of waiting for you and I’m not gonna wait until I’m good enough again. I still love you, but it hurts me so much when you’re not around, I think it’s better if I just give up and go. Maybe there waits some little bit of luck for me somewhere.” He started grabbing some of his stuff and opened his backpack.
“Alfred!” He looked to Sarah and saw that she didn’t know what to say. “This room won’t be the same without you...” She raised and hit her arms around him. “Please Alfred! Stay!”
His body felt warm because of he touch, but he promised not to give in. “I’m not gonna wait for those little moments that you love me. I’m not gonna wait patiently if you’re not coming home, knowing that there are lot of others out there.” He put his stuff in his backpack and closed it.
“But...why don’t you just go out and find some others too? We can meet now and then. I’m not asking you to wait for me.” She pressed her lips on his cheek and he thought about her words.
“That’s you Sarah, not me. I’m not like you and I’ll never be. Sorry that I’m such a disappointment as a vampire.” He put his backpack in the corner of the room and looked at the sunlight that brightened the world outside. “When the sun sets I’ll be gone.” He pushed her arms away and tried to look cold and emotionless to her. “Didn’t you say you were tired?”
Sarah stepped back and he saw the confusion in her face. “I can’t make you chance your mind anymore?” She stepped closer again, but Alfred shook his head. “Well, then I guess this is our goodbye.” Alfred nodded and tried to look strong and fierce although he felt weak, hurt and broken. “Goodbye Alfred. I wish you all the best.”
He forced a smile. “Goodbye Sarah, I know you’ve already found your luck. I won’t be in your way any longer.” He stepped back and waited until Sarah had lied down and fallen asleep. He couldn’t sleep at all. He still loved that girl so much and it hurt him leaving her, but he knew it was the best he could do. He stared at her for the rest of the day and waited until the sun set. He grabbed his backpack and looked to his Sarah for one last time. He had to leave and had to search for more happiness, but he would never ever forget her.
Alfred stared out of the small window of their little room. The first lights of the sun brightened up the world, but not his eyes. She didn’t came home today, and it was not the first time. The last time he saw her was a few days ago. She had come home, after being away for half a week, a few minutes before the sun raised, had said that she was tired and had fallen asleep. Alfred smiled a painful smile. Or she had pretender to be tired and asleep.
Of course he had forgiven her being absent, he always forgave her everything, but he did want to spent some time with her, talk with her, do the things they did when she had turned him into a vampire. He was planning to ask her at sunset, but before he could say one word he had realized she was gone already. Gone again. They actually hadn’t spent time together for a few years already. She was always gone and he waited at home for her to come back. In the beginning she did come back every night, she always came back. Sometimes she had brought him a drink, sometimes they had talked, sometimes she had given him her body to love.
But time went by and more and more she didn’t return. At first she didn’t return for just one day, telling him that the sunrise came earlier than she expected and had to find another place to sleep, but more and more she didn’t return for days, or sometimes even a week. At first she had pretended to feel guilty for leaving him alone. She had caressed his body, she had drought his tears, she had kissed his lips. She had told him everything he wanted to hear and he always had forgotten the pain he felt the time she had not been there.
But the last months she hadn’t talk to him anymore. She was barely at home and if she was she didn’t say a word. At first he thought it was just normal. He had a hard time dealing with the fact he had become a vampire, it mustn’t be easy for her too. But if he had tried to say something to help her, she had seemed so absence, so not caring. It was as if she had just been home because she had no other place to go. He wondered if she was still even thinking about this place as home.
Alfred walked back to his chair, out of the sunlight that would make awful wounds on his pale skin. He loved Sarah. He loved her beauty, the way she talked, the way she caressed his body. He loved the fact that she had chosen him over the count. He loved the way she looked at him, the way she smiled, the way she walked. But now he was wondering if her loving him had ever been real. She hadn’t stay home with him when the count came to invite her, she hadn’t give in when he wanted to save her in the castle and if he was honest to himself, she hadn’t be willing to run with them into the forest.
He clearly remembered how her head had rest on his knee, how his hand had caressed her hair and how he had been picturing their future together. He hadn’t been thinking of her becoming a vampire, not anymore. He had thought everything was alright. He had dreamed of the two of them being together and exploring the world. But she had become a vampire. She had bitten him and he had been thinking it was because she had wanted him to be with her.
He shook his head. She hadn’t wanted him to be with her, she had been thirsty and he had been the closest by. But she had taken him with her, running away into the world, finding a place to live. She had been making out with him, she had been living with him, she had been searching for a home with him. Maybe because he had been the only one she had? Or was there something in her that loved him as much as he loved her? He knew he should ask her when she would come home again. If she came home again.
Alfred tried to sleep, tried to reconsider if he really would ask her about this, tried to find the right words to tell her, but she didn’t come home. He waited days, the days became a week and still Sarah wasn’t there. He did realize her being away was part of the answer he was asking for, but still...he did want to know if everything he had believed in so far had been real. Although he didn’t know how if he wanted to know if it turned out to be a lie.
Eventually, after a few weeks, he heard the slamming of the door. He knew it was her, only Sarah slammed the door like that. He took a deep breath. For once in his life he would take control over her. He wouldn’t let her fall asleep before he had his answer, he wouldn’t weaken when she tried to beg him, when she would tell him he was tired. This time he was in charge and she had to answer.
He looked at the girl coming in and realized she was still as beautiful as always. He tried to focus. This wasn’t the time to fall for her charms. “Welcome back...” He nodded to her and tried to look confident and strong. He didn’t want to show her how her absence had hurt him, although she would realize that when he would come up with his question. “Had some nice days out there?” He tried to sound polite, but her eyes looked bored.
“I’m tired...I’m not in the mood to talk right now...” She wanted to turn away, but Alfred grabbed her arm.
“Maybe you’re not, but I am.” He saw the surprise in her eyes, not being used to the fact that he took control, not being used to the fact that he protested against something she said. “We need to talk right now.” He tried to sound strong, but he couldn’t help thinking that if they didn’t talk today he had to wait at least another month.
“Can’t we talk after a good day of sleep?” She smiled to him and he felt his heart beating in his chest. It wouldn’t work this time, she wouldn’t be able to make him do everything she wanted.
“No, I want to talk now.” He paused for a while and took a deep breath. “Before your gone again.” She didn’t seem amused, but he didn’t care for the first time ever. What did she think? That he liked it when she was gone for a few weeks without letting him know something?
“Alfred, we will have a good talk after a good day of sleep, I promise!” He looked into her pretty eyes and felt his heart melting again, but he did remember what she did the last time she promised him something.
“As if you promising something counts...” He knew he sounded a bit bitter, but maybe that was something good. Maybe it was the only way to let her know how he felt. He did love her, that hadn’t change, he just wanted know if loving her was worth it. “I can’t remember the last time you held your promise.” He swallowed. “If you have ever held them.”
“O, it’s gonna be such a talk...well, if that’s what you want, be my guest...” She fell down in one of the chairs and looked even more bored than she had already looked. Alfred hesitated for a while. “Well, take a seat, say what you want to say and then let me sleep...” He felt the anger burning in his veins and sat down and tried to look at her with all the fierce he had.
“Why don’t you come home anymore?” He wanted to give her a chance, maybe she had a good reason for staying away and maybe he would ruin everything by being mad.
“You’re gonna force me to give you a reason?” She crossed her arms and looked as if she wasn’t planning to give him an answer. He already knew where this conversation would end.
“No, I just hoped you had a good reason to stay away, but I guess I made a mistake...” He tried no to show that she was moving him into tears. He tried to swallow them away and he tried to keep his voice strong and cold.
“Maybe I just stay away because I don’t like it here anymore.” He hated when she talked like that, but maybe it was time to realize the truth. “You know, Alfred.” He heard a glimpse of her sweet voice, but it was mixed with arrogance and it didn’t sound as beautiful anymore as he remembered. “I thought turning you into a vampire would change you.” She paused for a while and lied a hand on his knee. “I thought it would make you more adventurous, stronger, bolder. I thought it would change you into something less boring, less good, less weak.” Alfred sighed, but gave her the room to talk. It was the first talk they had in months, maybe not the talk he had hoped for, but it was at least something. “But you’re still your old self, so sometimes I just want something more. Do you understand?”
Do your understand? Did she really ask him if he understood her? What did she think? Did she really believe that he was just a toy she could play with? That she could push the on button if she wanted too and could turn him off again if she wanted something else? Did she really think he would wait for unconditionally? That he would allow her to do everything she wanted? That he would never complain or never ask for more? Was that the way she wanted to treat him? “No...I don’t understand...” He paused for a while and saw the amusement in her eyes. “And you’re not gone sometimes, you’re almost always gone and when you’re home you just want to sleep. You don’t want me anymore, do you?”
Her laughing broke his heart. “Of course I still want you! I just want something else too, so...can’t you be a little bit more patient?” She used the most childish voice she had and he knew she was trying to make him fall for her again. But it won’t work, not anymore. It was not enough to be loved now and then, he want to be loved always. He want to be loved like he loved. He didn’t want to be loved alone when there wasn’t someone else around, he wanted to be the only one.
“I guess then it’s a better idea that I’ll go and find another place to live.” He stood up again and looked at the room that he considered as his home. “I’m tired of waiting for you and I’m not gonna wait until I’m good enough again. I still love you, but it hurts me so much when you’re not around, I think it’s better if I just give up and go. Maybe there waits some little bit of luck for me somewhere.” He started grabbing some of his stuff and opened his backpack.
“Alfred!” He looked to Sarah and saw that she didn’t know what to say. “This room won’t be the same without you...” She raised and hit her arms around him. “Please Alfred! Stay!”
His body felt warm because of he touch, but he promised not to give in. “I’m not gonna wait for those little moments that you love me. I’m not gonna wait patiently if you’re not coming home, knowing that there are lot of others out there.” He put his stuff in his backpack and closed it.
“But...why don’t you just go out and find some others too? We can meet now and then. I’m not asking you to wait for me.” She pressed her lips on his cheek and he thought about her words.
“That’s you Sarah, not me. I’m not like you and I’ll never be. Sorry that I’m such a disappointment as a vampire.” He put his backpack in the corner of the room and looked at the sunlight that brightened the world outside. “When the sun sets I’ll be gone.” He pushed her arms away and tried to look cold and emotionless to her. “Didn’t you say you were tired?”
Sarah stepped back and he saw the confusion in her face. “I can’t make you chance your mind anymore?” She stepped closer again, but Alfred shook his head. “Well, then I guess this is our goodbye.” Alfred nodded and tried to look strong and fierce although he felt weak, hurt and broken. “Goodbye Alfred. I wish you all the best.”
He forced a smile. “Goodbye Sarah, I know you’ve already found your luck. I won’t be in your way any longer.” He stepped back and waited until Sarah had lied down and fallen asleep. He couldn’t sleep at all. He still loved that girl so much and it hurt him leaving her, but he knew it was the best he could do. He stared at her for the rest of the day and waited until the sun set. He grabbed his backpack and looked to his Sarah for one last time. He had to leave and had to search for more happiness, but he would never ever forget her.