It's not easy being me...
“You should find out what’s making you upset, by what it’s triggered and why it’s making you upset.” The last time I was at my psychologist she said this to me. I’m really bad in feeling upset. To be more exact: I hate being upset and I don’t allow myself to be. What’s there to be upset about? I have the money to do almost everything I wish for. Of course I have to make choices, but if I really want something, I can do it. I have friends who travel with me around the world. I have amazing people online with whom I can share my excitement, love and fun. I have a nice room, all for myself. I have tons of DVD’s, also tons of DVD’s that shouldn’t exist. I have a family supporting me. I have a study I love. I can eat whatever I want without gaining weight. So, what’s there to be upset about?
I did try to go back to some moments I had a “breakdown”, like I call it. Moments I suddenly feel horrible, start to cry and can’t stop anymore because I simply can’t calm down. It did help that it just happened half an hour ago, I must say. And actually it’s kind of easy to find out what’s causing the breakdown and what’s behind it. Of course the triggers are never the problem. To be honest, the triggers are mostly just things that have nothing to do with me. Most of the time I start crying because something did happen to someone else and not to me. You can call it being jealous, but I don’t think it’s just that. I’m always happy for others that things happen and I will never ever take it away from them, cause others deserve it and who am I to say they don’t?
To be more closely: mostly I do believe that others deserve what they get more than I would. They are sweeter, nicer, more helpful, better and more beautiful than I am. Mostly the things that trigger my breakdowns happen to people who really really deserve it, because they are amazing people, nice friends and human beings that do deserve some happiness and luck in their life.
So, I had to look BEHIND the jealousy. Why am I jealous? What am I wishing for? What makes me so upset? And actually it’s that simple, that it’s strange that I didn’t figure that out before. The triggers just reactivate the feeling of being nobody. Something that is created during my life and that you can actually call some sort of trauma. The feeling that I’m never ever good enough.
Since I was eight years old I’m fighting for my spot in the world, for being accepted for who I am, for being allowed to be me, for being loved to be me. And somehow I can’t shake the feeling that I’m never ever good enough. (I know I’m gonna hurt some people with this post, sorry about that...) My friends at primary school dropped me when we went to high-school. We went to different classes and they didn’t pay any attention to me anymore. I did try to contact them, to stay friends, but they ignored. We shared a hobby on saturday-morning, but after we went to high-school I didn’t belong to the group anymore. I was always excluded as soon as possible...They were the only “friends” who stood by me, while the rest of the class was just bullying me and it felt awful to lose those friends.
The history repeated itself on high school. I was bullied and didn’t belong, made some friends and those friends dropped me as soon as my illness showed up. The last time of high school I spent on my own, writing stories and chatting with girls 5 years younger than me. I thought that it would be over when I started studying. New people, new chances, but the same thing happened: I didn’t fit it, people laughed about me and I didn’t belong. I wasn’t good enough, again. It didn’t really help that my father thought that my list from high school could have been better (and damn, it was almost the best one of the class) and that me trying to become a doctor didn’t went really well...
So, after say 14 years of fighting all that was left was the feeling that I wasn’t good enough. Friends dropped me as soon as possible, my father thought I didn’t do my best, the other people were just bullying me and no-one saw that I was actually having a really hard time. No-one took the time to comfort me, to dry my tears, to talk things over. No-one had time for me. I was too much. I wasn’t good enough. After 14 years of trying I never had someone who really CARED for my little human being, at least not that I felt. I did an awful lot of other people, for the school and so on. But in the end I was all alone, and for the first time I started to feel like I deserved something more in life...
I always kept believing that one day I would get my reward. I would get back everything I gave, I would get what I deserved. Maybe it’s not fair to think like that. There are people with much worse lives than mine, but somehow I can’t shake the feeling that I still deserve something back for everything I’ve been through. For all those years of fighting, of changing myself, of working on myself, of trying to be better, nicer, more helpful.
A few years later that feeling of “I’ll get what I deserved once” changed into “I think I don’t deserve it.” I’ve never been good enough, I’ve never been nice enough, I’ve never been beautiful enough, I’ve never been helpful enough. And everytime someone else gets something I was so hoping for, and everytime someone else experiences what I’ve been dreaming for, and everytime nice things happens to others that never happen to me, I get that feeling again: “See, I’m not good enough, not nice enough, not beautiful enough. People still don’t like you, cause else it would happen to you.”
If you know that my biggest dream is to fall in love, marry and become a mum, you can understand how much this feeling hurts. Cause if people don’t like me, if those things always happens to others and not to me...It’s hard to believe that there once will be someone falling in love with me. Why would someone ever pick me? I’m not pretty, I’m not a nice person, I’ve got that stupid disease. I’ll never be good enough. My dreams do never come true, I’ll never ever be that special someone to anyone....And that’s what I’m crying about.
I wish I could fix myself...I wish someone could help me to fix myself...I wish for one proof that I’m good enough...one proof that gives me my believe in my own dreams back...