The Stone In The Woods, Sunday Night

[endsthegame]

A weekend could pass in the blink of an eye, couldn't it?

The stone waited patiently until the sun sunk beneath the horizon. Only then did it resume its song, a call as clear as birdsong, but audible only to a few.

It was time to return.

[[ your catch-all say-goodbye post ]]

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[uncertain_dume]

Just a couple of days ago, Kanan had been sure of a million things he'd say to Master Billaba if ever he had a chance to go back and do things over. A million and one things.

Now she had, and it was time to say goodbye again, and most of what he'd managed this weekend had involved either crying, stuttering, or apologizing. So, this wasn't exactly going the way it had been rehearsed countless times in his head while he was going over his list of 'Regret Greatest Hits.'

"It was... good to see you again, Master."

For example, he had been sure he'd be able to do better than that.

[death_yet_force]

Depa had a million things she'd like to say to Kanan, too. But for now, this would do.

She smiled and took his hands. "It was. I'm glad we had this time together, padawan. Kanan." She looked him over, committing it all to memory. "You should know, this is never the path that I wanted for you, but I am proud of you nevertheless."

[uncertain_dume]

"Proud of me," Kanan echoed, feeling so very much like Caleb just then that his more current name coming from her mouth felt wrong, somehow. "I..."

He looked down at himself, not quite certain anymore what it was that she saw.

"Sorry, Master. For what?"

[death_yet_force]

Depa laughed. "Because you still ask questions. Because you try to be the best you can. Because you survive, and keep surviving. Because you don't give in to your enemies, or the odds, or the Dark side."

She gave him a look. "I'm not saying there aren't some things you could stand to work on. Just keep trying, and keep working on them, and know that I am always with you."

[uncertain_dume]

Okay, at that, Kanan huffed the slightest bit of a laugh. It was happy and heartbroken all at the same time, that complicated well of emotions spilling over again.

"Keep trying, and keep working on those things. I can do that," he managed, and it was a shame he couldn't blame the tears in his eyes on the rain today. "Thank you, Master. Thank you for giving me a chance to survive."

[death_yet_force]

"Thank you for being there for me, Padawan," Depa said in return. "And for being yourself." She pulled him in for one last hug; if you couldn't get emotional over a good-bye like this, what was the point?

[uncertain_dume]

And it was hardly like one more heartbreak would spill Kanan over to the dark side now. After all he'd been through? It would take a lot more than a hug. He held on hard, not wanting to let go. Once he let go, that little piece of Caleb in him would be raw and bleeding all over again, and he'd have to get back to being Kanan again in more than just name.

And Master Billaba would still be gone. Everyone would still be gone. And he'd be right back to not knowing where he was meant to go from here.

"However much of myself I've managed to hang on to," he allowed, somewhere between a self-deprecating laugh and oh-space-he-was-not-letting-himself-sob. "I'm sorry we didn't have more time together."

Sorry that the entire Galaxy had gone to hell. Sorry that her life had been cut so short. Maybe she would have had a chance of surviving, if it hadn't been for him. Sorry that she couldn't stay now. Sorry, a little selfishly, that he was going to be left with the quiet and the loneliness again, deafening even through the Force.

[death_yet_force]

"As am I." Depa smoothed a hand over his hair. "Just remember, I will always be with you, even if not like this." She smiled through her own sadness. "So watch yourself with those bars and pleasure dens."

[uncertain_dume]

... Well, thank you, Depa. Now Kanan's mouth was hanging open again. Which was an interesting combination, what with the tears on his face. Good job, knocking your padawan speechless all over again.

"Well, now I will."

So help him, he was never looking at a pleasure den again. THANKS, BILLABA.

[death_yet_force]

You were very welcome, Kanan.

"Good." Depa smirked. "Now, deep breath. Center yourself." She wiped away his tears with her thumb. "I have to return. But I'm not leaving you, not really."

[uncertain_dume]

Deep breath. Center himself.

Master Kenobi had said, after the weekend he'd spent as Caleb again, that he needed to find something real within himself, that he needed to tether himself to the Force once again. And Kanan had said he would try, though he'd balked at the idea, because the real thing within himself was a damaged child, and the thought of opening that old wound again had frightened him. Had left him afraid of being left raw and bleeding all over again.

The island had just opened that wound up for him.

Kanan swallowed, Caleb squared his shoulders, and Master Billaba's Padawan looked at her and nodded. He wasn't ever going to be ready to let her go; not so long as she was still standing there.

"Emotion, yet peace."

The Jedi Code. They'd recited it together so many times, before. It felt right, now.

"Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet the Force.And if he didn't cut himself off from the Force, if he didn't carve it out like an illness, then he wouldn't be cutting himself off

[death_yet_force]

Depa joined him in the recitation, smiling.

"There, you see?" She stepped back, still holding his hands. "You can do it." She took another step back, already fading. "May the Force be with you, Kanan."

[uncertain_dume]

"May the Force be with you, Master."

He didn't dare look away as she left this time, either. Last time he'd watched the Clones shoot her down, and then surround her body and make certain the job was done. This time, he simply watched her walk, and watched her fade.

That didn't mean it hurt less this time to watch her go.

He pulled in another steadying breath, and then he sat himself down right there in the woods. Closed his eyes, and opened himself up to the Force.

Eight years ago, he'd been a terrified youngling who had just lost everything. He hadn't had the luxury of taking a moment to feel this pain, or the luxury of healing. This time, he let himself bleed. He let himself remember and he let himself hurt and he let himself feel.

He let himself feel everything the Force offered him, tonight.

He owed her that much.