jgob | late morning | saturday | december 5
Since the last time Father Ned had been on this island, he'd traveled the world, tending to flocks far and wide. His work, the work of God, was never completed and Father Ned refused to let Him down. Despite the fact that he'd been to so many places and seen so many things, this island held a special place in his heart. It was riddled with comas, drugs, sex and other evil things but he found himself drawn here like a train car to a conveniently placed cliff.
Father Ned pulled out a chair and stood up on it, deciding here, where people would come and go, was as good a place as anywhere to begin his altruistic mission.
"Friends, listen to my words," he started, holding a hand in the air to quiet the masses (because masses always came to hear him speak). "I am here today to speak to you about the evils of...Christmas shopping. Why, you might be asking yourself, could something where you are giving be considered evil? Because, my sheep, when you are giving a gift, you are telling that other person that you want SEX."
Father Ned was a terrible priest who didn't see all sides of the argument. As evidenced by this sermon.
"When you go out and buy an expensive piece of jewelry, you are telling the receiver of that gift that you expect payment in the form of CARNAL RELATIONS later in the day. This, my friends, CANNOT BE. Christmas shopping is all about the pursuit of SEX! The more ornately wrapped your gift is, the more SEX you expect to get. Or, even worse, you except KINKY things to occur that would make God shudder. You are telling the receiver of your gift that you expect them to dress up in leather or you expect them to let them practice their knot tying with one of their favorite silk ties. My friends, I leave you with this. When someone gives you a Christmas gift, GIVE IT BACK! Making the giver return that gift is telling everyone around them that you REJECTED THEIR ADVANCES. There is no need for Christmas shopping. NO NEED. Don't go Christmas shopping and you will remain FOREVER CLEAN."
With that, Father Ned gave the masses (there were masses, of course) a serene smile and stepped off his chair to take his seat.
[lololol IDEK. anyway, yes, Ned is Father Ned, out to give horrible sermons all over the place. open place in town so open!]
Father Ned pulled out a chair and stood up on it, deciding here, where people would come and go, was as good a place as anywhere to begin his altruistic mission.
"Friends, listen to my words," he started, holding a hand in the air to quiet the masses (because masses always came to hear him speak). "I am here today to speak to you about the evils of...Christmas shopping. Why, you might be asking yourself, could something where you are giving be considered evil? Because, my sheep, when you are giving a gift, you are telling that other person that you want SEX."
Father Ned was a terrible priest who didn't see all sides of the argument. As evidenced by this sermon.
"When you go out and buy an expensive piece of jewelry, you are telling the receiver of that gift that you expect payment in the form of CARNAL RELATIONS later in the day. This, my friends, CANNOT BE. Christmas shopping is all about the pursuit of SEX! The more ornately wrapped your gift is, the more SEX you expect to get. Or, even worse, you except KINKY things to occur that would make God shudder. You are telling the receiver of your gift that you expect them to dress up in leather or you expect them to let them practice their knot tying with one of their favorite silk ties. My friends, I leave you with this. When someone gives you a Christmas gift, GIVE IT BACK! Making the giver return that gift is telling everyone around them that you REJECTED THEIR ADVANCES. There is no need for Christmas shopping. NO NEED. Don't go Christmas shopping and you will remain FOREVER CLEAN."
With that, Father Ned gave the masses (there were masses, of course) a serene smile and stepped off his chair to take his seat.
[lololol IDEK. anyway, yes, Ned is Father Ned, out to give horrible sermons all over the place. open place in town so open!]