change worth believing in
Earlier this year, I had given up on blogging because I had felt nothing had changed in my life ever since my father's accident put it on hold. That is not true, though.
My father has mostly physically healed, though there is still pain and the healing goes slowly. The slowness and the lack of work and the inability to find support and the loss of freedom has wormed its dark, miserable way into his head and it makes me sad. I often have nothing to say to him and I don't know how to start the conversation.
I had picked up fandoms - a new one (Jojo's Bizarre Adventure) that was budding right before the accident and exploded after it, an older-to-me one (Mindcrack) that was finally coming back to the direction I wanted after a period where I just wasn't interested. I was (am?) part of a Jojo roleplay group that was a great comfort to me after the accident. I tried to run a reverse bang kind of thing but it didn't exactly go according to plan, probably because I don't know how to Tumblr. The Mindcrack community I run became the giant fanfiction hub and spawned Skype chats and roleplays and a Minecraft server and it's overwhelming but also beautiful.
I liked things but haven't seriously entered their fandoms yet. Maybe I just need an "in", and maybe you are that "in". Pacific Rim (the only movie I saw in theaters this year), Attack on Titan, Free!, Welcome to Night Vale. Probably more things that I am forgetting. I also really like PBS Idea Channel. Really really.
I lost weight. Over thirty pounds. I'm still considered 'overweight' but it's very close, and honestly at this point I don't care anymore. I still don't really, honestly care for exercise, whether it be weight training, bodyweight strength training, or cardio. I want to find more exercise that has a serious, honest-to-god gamification component, yet is solo instead of team-based and I can train for myself. I don't know. I like my body, I don't care where my body goes from here as long as I maintain it and stay healthy somehow.
I had also continued growing my roguelike fervor and finally got the discipline to Let's Play regularly. I made a series about UI and ASCII despite knowing nothing about graphic design. I somehow became a regular of my favorite podcast in the fucking world and interact with my idols as if they are just my friends, and I guess they are. I was one of the most enthusiastic supporters of a project that just wrapped up its Kickstarter and I believe in it and its maker so much.
Adam continues to be the best. Adam is almost done with his Master's and will drive back to Tampa at the end of September. Adam's nails are painted but he refuses to see my parents while they're painted. It makes me angry at the world.
I was probably depressed for most of July. Never got formally tested. Sometimes I still feel that overwhelming desire to do nothing and be nothing, but it's quieter now.
All of this is burying the lede, really. I'm moving back to Palm Bay on Monday. I have a job interview here in NY in nine hours, another in Florida next Wednesday, and no clue where my life is going to go. If I get the New York job I may be back very soon. If I get the Florida one I may not be back for a very long time, if ever.
I own so much stuff and I have to decide what to get rid of and what to leave behind and what to beg Adam and/or my family to take with them in the future. HOW THE FUCK DO I OWN SO MUCH STUFF.
I feel overwhelmed. I feel elated. I feel like I am finally clawing out of the fog. But the fog is familiar, and sometimes even kind. It feels strange to leave it.
My father has mostly physically healed, though there is still pain and the healing goes slowly. The slowness and the lack of work and the inability to find support and the loss of freedom has wormed its dark, miserable way into his head and it makes me sad. I often have nothing to say to him and I don't know how to start the conversation.
I had picked up fandoms - a new one (Jojo's Bizarre Adventure) that was budding right before the accident and exploded after it, an older-to-me one (Mindcrack) that was finally coming back to the direction I wanted after a period where I just wasn't interested. I was (am?) part of a Jojo roleplay group that was a great comfort to me after the accident. I tried to run a reverse bang kind of thing but it didn't exactly go according to plan, probably because I don't know how to Tumblr. The Mindcrack community I run became the giant fanfiction hub and spawned Skype chats and roleplays and a Minecraft server and it's overwhelming but also beautiful.
I liked things but haven't seriously entered their fandoms yet. Maybe I just need an "in", and maybe you are that "in". Pacific Rim (the only movie I saw in theaters this year), Attack on Titan, Free!, Welcome to Night Vale. Probably more things that I am forgetting. I also really like PBS Idea Channel. Really really.
I lost weight. Over thirty pounds. I'm still considered 'overweight' but it's very close, and honestly at this point I don't care anymore. I still don't really, honestly care for exercise, whether it be weight training, bodyweight strength training, or cardio. I want to find more exercise that has a serious, honest-to-god gamification component, yet is solo instead of team-based and I can train for myself. I don't know. I like my body, I don't care where my body goes from here as long as I maintain it and stay healthy somehow.
I had also continued growing my roguelike fervor and finally got the discipline to Let's Play regularly. I made a series about UI and ASCII despite knowing nothing about graphic design. I somehow became a regular of my favorite podcast in the fucking world and interact with my idols as if they are just my friends, and I guess they are. I was one of the most enthusiastic supporters of a project that just wrapped up its Kickstarter and I believe in it and its maker so much.
Adam continues to be the best. Adam is almost done with his Master's and will drive back to Tampa at the end of September. Adam's nails are painted but he refuses to see my parents while they're painted. It makes me angry at the world.
I was probably depressed for most of July. Never got formally tested. Sometimes I still feel that overwhelming desire to do nothing and be nothing, but it's quieter now.
All of this is burying the lede, really. I'm moving back to Palm Bay on Monday. I have a job interview here in NY in nine hours, another in Florida next Wednesday, and no clue where my life is going to go. If I get the New York job I may be back very soon. If I get the Florida one I may not be back for a very long time, if ever.
I own so much stuff and I have to decide what to get rid of and what to leave behind and what to beg Adam and/or my family to take with them in the future. HOW THE FUCK DO I OWN SO MUCH STUFF.
I feel overwhelmed. I feel elated. I feel like I am finally clawing out of the fog. But the fog is familiar, and sometimes even kind. It feels strange to leave it.