How To Get By In A Hostile World, Wednesday
"Okay, one, you don't have a TA today, because your TA is a lazy ass who thinks he can get out of doing his job by turning into a hairy, yappy animal at the drop of a hat," Atton said. Shut up, ragging on people was how he showed he cared. Or didn't care. Or... anything. Okay, ragging on people was just kind of how he lived, but the only person in the class who knew that was currently a hairy, yappy animal, so whatever. Not like he missed his TA, or anything. Really. "And two, I don't want to make this class about Fandom too much - you've had classes like that before and you don't need them. But this one might be important, so pay attention."
He spread out his arms as the Danger Shop around them gave way to a realistic simulation of Fandom itself. "Welcome to Fandom," he said. "Home to idiots, never-do-wells, and the occasional horde of angry monsters trying to kill everyone. Now, I assume most of you are in my class because you're not the kind of people who can go around slicing things in two, which is where today's lesson comes in."
He pointed at the dorms behind them. "Rule number one, the monsters usually stay out of the dorms. Don't ask me why, maybe we have special doors or something. Keep in mind that this is usually, so don't go relying on it - check the building, see if it's safe. Ideal circumstances? You hunker down in that building and you wait for the whole thing to blow over, which it usually does."
"Rule number two, if you do have to leave, bring back up." He grabbed a marker and wrote down his number on a nearby sign. "This is my number. Do not call my number unless you think you're going to be in danger, or I'm going to come to your room and smack you on the head. But it's there if you need it." Ugh, being a good person and everything. "Rule number three, don't rely on the causeway being open at a time like this. It has a nasty habit of jamming right when you need it the most. Try boats or spacecraft, maybe that'll work, and either way they won't end with you stuck at the end of a road to nowhere while the big things with the teeth close on in."
Atton eyed each of them in turn. "Finally, rule number four," he said, "Know your island. You want to get to the causeway? There's three major ways in - through Apocalypse Ave, through Griffin Way, and Thunderbird Lane into Griffin Way. Thunderbird Lane is the smallest of these entrances, Apocalypse Ave is the biggest. Griffin Way is one straight line right into the causeway, which is going to make it a really bad choice unless your bad guys are the type of people who prefer lurking in shadows. Apocalypse Ave would be your second worst choice in that case, because it's wide, meaning that it can fill up real fast."
He reached over and snagged a stack of papers. "Because my TA is, again, a lazy asshole, I'm going to be handing out these maps to you guys. Study them. Think about ways to get where you might want to get in multiple kinds of situation - is the enemy flying, is it big, is it dumb, does it like to fight in numbers, does it like to strike from the shadows. All of these options require different strategies. And think about what you can do. Do you know parkour? Are you big or strong enough to rush an enemy blocking the way? That kind of thing."
Beat.
"Or preferably, just think about how nice and cosy the dorms are when everything else is turning into the next big war out there."
Once all the maps were handed out, he rolled his shoulders and spoke one last time. "Okay, you get twenty minutes to fan out, think about this stuff and see what's feasible," he said. "Then we release the, uh..." He squinted at the piece of paper he'd gotten.
Look, shut up, this was why he didn't like to use other people's old simulations. "...Alligators who shoot zombie goldfish? What does that even mean?"
He shook his head. "Uh, you try and tackle that in the way that makes the most sense. Work together if you can. Don't try anything you can't physically pull off, that's the easiest way to get dead."
He spread out his arms as the Danger Shop around them gave way to a realistic simulation of Fandom itself. "Welcome to Fandom," he said. "Home to idiots, never-do-wells, and the occasional horde of angry monsters trying to kill everyone. Now, I assume most of you are in my class because you're not the kind of people who can go around slicing things in two, which is where today's lesson comes in."
He pointed at the dorms behind them. "Rule number one, the monsters usually stay out of the dorms. Don't ask me why, maybe we have special doors or something. Keep in mind that this is usually, so don't go relying on it - check the building, see if it's safe. Ideal circumstances? You hunker down in that building and you wait for the whole thing to blow over, which it usually does."
"Rule number two, if you do have to leave, bring back up." He grabbed a marker and wrote down his number on a nearby sign. "This is my number. Do not call my number unless you think you're going to be in danger, or I'm going to come to your room and smack you on the head. But it's there if you need it." Ugh, being a good person and everything. "Rule number three, don't rely on the causeway being open at a time like this. It has a nasty habit of jamming right when you need it the most. Try boats or spacecraft, maybe that'll work, and either way they won't end with you stuck at the end of a road to nowhere while the big things with the teeth close on in."
Atton eyed each of them in turn. "Finally, rule number four," he said, "Know your island. You want to get to the causeway? There's three major ways in - through Apocalypse Ave, through Griffin Way, and Thunderbird Lane into Griffin Way. Thunderbird Lane is the smallest of these entrances, Apocalypse Ave is the biggest. Griffin Way is one straight line right into the causeway, which is going to make it a really bad choice unless your bad guys are the type of people who prefer lurking in shadows. Apocalypse Ave would be your second worst choice in that case, because it's wide, meaning that it can fill up real fast."
He reached over and snagged a stack of papers. "Because my TA is, again, a lazy asshole, I'm going to be handing out these maps to you guys. Study them. Think about ways to get where you might want to get in multiple kinds of situation - is the enemy flying, is it big, is it dumb, does it like to fight in numbers, does it like to strike from the shadows. All of these options require different strategies. And think about what you can do. Do you know parkour? Are you big or strong enough to rush an enemy blocking the way? That kind of thing."
Beat.
"Or preferably, just think about how nice and cosy the dorms are when everything else is turning into the next big war out there."
Once all the maps were handed out, he rolled his shoulders and spoke one last time. "Okay, you get twenty minutes to fan out, think about this stuff and see what's feasible," he said. "Then we release the, uh..." He squinted at the piece of paper he'd gotten.
Look, shut up, this was why he didn't like to use other people's old simulations. "...Alligators who shoot zombie goldfish? What does that even mean?"
He shook his head. "Uh, you try and tackle that in the way that makes the most sense. Work together if you can. Don't try anything you can't physically pull off, that's the easiest way to get dead."