The Modern Workplace and You: Friday, Period 1
Some of you would be delighted to know that Babou was back in class this week. Others would probably be terrified. Choose your seats accordingly!
“So, let’s talk about Personal Safety,” Pam said. Okay, she hadn’t ever recovered her notes, from when Babou had shredded them; she was just gonna wing it. “This is important not just in the workplace, but in everyday life. Like, in case you do a lot of mescaline and think you’re a coyote, and chew up the furniture. Or, while you're high on mescaline, your dumbass roommate manages to freeze the whole house. Or even, say, if your boss makes you teach Gun Safety and you accidentally shoot a coworker. There are all kinds of bad things lurking around the corners, and it’s good to know how to prepare yourself for the worst.”
If you were wondering what Personal Safety had to do with the Modern Workplace, then clearly you weren’t working for an international spy agency or anything. And besides, Pam had been pretty high when she wrote the syllabus.
“Our house is beautiful and now you won't get all overheated and sweaty anymore!” Cheryl argued. “And yeah, okay, there's tons of bad shit you could run into. Like maybe if your coworker repeatedly threatens to pistol-whip you.” Mmmmm, Lana, someday you'd deliver. Someday. “Or like, let's say someone...for some reason...wants to kidnap you and, like, maybe they grab your coworker or something. That could happen.”
Maybe they'd grab your coworker because you were calling her by your own name. Just a thought.
“Anyway. That's the thing we're gonna focus on today: what to do if you get kidnapped. Which Pam knows way more about, because she got kidnapped once!” Good job, Cheryl. Make it sound like fun.
Pam looked less thrilled than Cheryl did, about this. “It sucked,” she announced. “They couldn’t punch for shit, and then my boss only offered a measly five grand to get me back. Then they were gonna cut my eyes out to get past the retinal scans, but I convinced ’em to just take me hostage and drag me along instead. I made ’em think I was on their side, which is one way to deal with bullshit kidnappers when your so-called friend gets you kidnapped instead of her.”
Oh, look, a death-glare in Cheryl’s direction!
“It was a case of mistaken identity,” Cheryl said, waving a hand. “So anyway, pair up. One of you is a kidnapper. One of you is the kidnappee. And it is your job, little captives, to figure out how you're gonna get the hell out of this by negotiating with your captors.” She grinned at them. “Sexual favors are allowed.”
“Theoretical sexual favors,” Pam hurried to add. “Ones you use conversationally as a negotiating tactic. Not real ones. Do not actually engage in sexual favors here in class, are we understood? That’s the kinda thing that teachers go to jail over.”
“Only if you get caught,” Cheryl stage-whispered, winking exaggeratedly.
(Live ocelot, round two!)
“So, let’s talk about Personal Safety,” Pam said. Okay, she hadn’t ever recovered her notes, from when Babou had shredded them; she was just gonna wing it. “This is important not just in the workplace, but in everyday life. Like, in case you do a lot of mescaline and think you’re a coyote, and chew up the furniture. Or, while you're high on mescaline, your dumbass roommate manages to freeze the whole house. Or even, say, if your boss makes you teach Gun Safety and you accidentally shoot a coworker. There are all kinds of bad things lurking around the corners, and it’s good to know how to prepare yourself for the worst.”
If you were wondering what Personal Safety had to do with the Modern Workplace, then clearly you weren’t working for an international spy agency or anything. And besides, Pam had been pretty high when she wrote the syllabus.
“Our house is beautiful and now you won't get all overheated and sweaty anymore!” Cheryl argued. “And yeah, okay, there's tons of bad shit you could run into. Like maybe if your coworker repeatedly threatens to pistol-whip you.” Mmmmm, Lana, someday you'd deliver. Someday. “Or like, let's say someone...for some reason...wants to kidnap you and, like, maybe they grab your coworker or something. That could happen.”
Maybe they'd grab your coworker because you were calling her by your own name. Just a thought.
“Anyway. That's the thing we're gonna focus on today: what to do if you get kidnapped. Which Pam knows way more about, because she got kidnapped once!” Good job, Cheryl. Make it sound like fun.
Pam looked less thrilled than Cheryl did, about this. “It sucked,” she announced. “They couldn’t punch for shit, and then my boss only offered a measly five grand to get me back. Then they were gonna cut my eyes out to get past the retinal scans, but I convinced ’em to just take me hostage and drag me along instead. I made ’em think I was on their side, which is one way to deal with bullshit kidnappers when your so-called friend gets you kidnapped instead of her.”
Oh, look, a death-glare in Cheryl’s direction!
“It was a case of mistaken identity,” Cheryl said, waving a hand. “So anyway, pair up. One of you is a kidnapper. One of you is the kidnappee. And it is your job, little captives, to figure out how you're gonna get the hell out of this by negotiating with your captors.” She grinned at them. “Sexual favors are allowed.”
“Theoretical sexual favors,” Pam hurried to add. “Ones you use conversationally as a negotiating tactic. Not real ones. Do not actually engage in sexual favors here in class, are we understood? That’s the kinda thing that teachers go to jail over.”
“Only if you get caught,” Cheryl stage-whispered, winking exaggeratedly.
(Live ocelot, round two!)