US History, Thursday November 14th
Chuck entered the class seconds after the bell rang, pulling along a TV cart. He spoke to the students as he set it up.
“Last semester, we watched an episode of The Colbert Report. I was planning on recording one last night, but with the recent writers’ strike, it seemed a waste to rerecord a rerun. So I’ve used the episode from last year, where our vice principal was fortunate enough to be interviewed.”
Once the lights were off, Mr. Noblet hit play on the DVD, and the video started.
The studio was decked out in red and blue. Lights flashed, an audience applauded, and it seemed that everywhere one looked, they would see the same three words repeated over and over.
The Colbert Report
The camera finished panning, fixing its gaze on an anchorman of poise, dignity, and utter gravitas. (Except that he looked oddly like Mr. Noblet.) He was seated at a news desk, pumping his fist in some incomprehensible gesture. When the crowd stopped its cheering, the man explained.
“We are riding the freedom train to the truth express.” He pumped his fist again, as if he were pulling a train whistle. “I’m Stephen Colbert, and welcome to the Report, ladies and gentlemen. This is a very special episode, so I’m glad to have you with us. Today, we’ll be focusing on the people who set our country in motion, the people who allowed our founding fathers to give birth to this nation.” He looked down at his notes, and crossed something out. “Sorry. Men don’t give birth.” He wrote something else in, speaking as he did. “Who allowed… our founding fathers… to impregnate… liberty, which gave… birth to this nation.” He seemed to like that metaphor better. “Of course I’m talking about the Heroes, the American colonists themselves. Which brings us to today’s Word.”
The camera angled changed, and a blue graphic covered half the screen. Letters arranged on the graphic with a *ding* and Stephen read the text.
“Model America.
Now I know that all you factinistas out there are going to say: “But Stephen! The lives of early American colonists were old-fashioned, we’ve evolved as a society.”
As Stephen spoke, the text changed to say -We have McDonald’s and Brangelina. He seemed oblivious to the change.
“Well, I don’t believe in evolution. I just believe in forces corrupting and changing America. It’s no good, and I’m ready to propose a solution that will exorcise the demons from our country.
-We’re getting rid of Vice President Cheney?
“Some conservatives are calling for a return to humbler times. I couldn’t agree more, except for one little change. Whereas they might be calling for a return to the American dream of the 1950’s, I’d like to see a good throwback to the 1650’s.”
-The good old old days
After all, that government had the huevos to condone the Salem Witch trials. The people accepted that the government needed to be given the freedom to accuse and search at will. And if that power was around today, it’d be pretty useful. We could call it “The Colonist Act,””
-or The Patriot Act
“or something like that. After all, with total government domination would come a more peaceful, simpler time.”
Model America
“And that’s The Word.”
Stephen looked the camera in the eye (lens?) and said “I know that it’s innocent until proven guilty, so let’s get out there and label some guilty. This is ‘Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger!’”
“First off, a Wag of My Finger-” he accented his words with the matching gesture- “to the makers of the popular massively multiplayer online game World of Warcraft. This month, they released a game extension that includes a larger playable area and a new maximum character level.” Stephen scowled. “This is terrible news. Our nation’s youth already spend enough time on these games. Now, the over one million users are going to spend more time fighting trolls, and less time doing what’s important…” He crossed his arms. “…watching TV. I swear, if my viewer count goes down-” He pouted for a minute, then changed the subject.
“Moving on. A Tip of the Hat to President Bush, and his state of the union address last night. Without a doubt, it was his best yet. Usually, sequels can’t live up to the original, but the President was shooting six for six.”
“Next up, a wag of my finger to the entire NFL. It looks like the Arizona Colts will be playing the Bears in this year’s superbowl.” He shook his head sadly. “We all know that bears are godless killing machines. And allowing a team that uses a bear as its mascot to reach the superbowl does nothing but promote those terrible creatures. It was the duty of each and every other team to stick it to bears as an entire species by beating Chicago.” Stephen’s jaw was set in anger. “If the bears win the superbowl, it’s official. They’re taking over. And I don’t know about you, but I refuse to life in a nightmarish world ruled by bear overlords, where I or any other human could be reduced to taco filling at a moment’s notice. Yeah. One chomp of those jaws-” he stretched open his mouth and chomped down- “and you’re hamburger. Those bears would do it.”
He sighed. “We’ll be right back.”
After a roll of theme music, The Colbert Report cut to a commercial.
---
Stephen looked at the camera. "Tonight's guest comes all the way from hell. I'll ask him if he's ever tired of hanging out with all those Democrats. Please welcome Lord Hades!" Stephen got up from his desk and ran to the interview area, waving his arms and hamming it up. The camera, of course, followed him.
Hades appeared out of nowhere dramatically in a grand gesture of showmanship. He waved to the audience that didn't exist and slid up to Colbert. "They love me. They really love me."
Stephen slung an arm around Hades, pointed with his other arm, and smiled. Somewhere a camera flashed. Photo op!
Stephen figured that he could use a Greek friend.
"Steve, pal, associate, close amigo." Who said Greek gods couldn't use random Spanish words? "You're looking good. Lost some weight? Done something new with your hair?"
"Yeah, I've been jazzercising. Works wonders." Stephen sat down at the interview table and shuffled his notes. "You look like you're doing all right, too. As always, I love the hair."
Hades smoothed it back with his hand, but it went on flaming right where it always did. Not that he himself was flaming. No. "Flatterer. Thanks for having me on your show. Love it. Really love it. I TiVo every episode so I don't miss it."
"Hey," Stephen gave the camera a smile, "the guy has good taste." He turned back to Hades. "Now, let's get down to business. I've heard that you have a new gig; you're helping to shape our younger generation?"
"Well yeah, I guess you could call it that. After working on the same project at my old job for 18 years - and lemme tell you now, Stephen, it didn't work out so great - I figured hey, what the heck, I'm a smart, attractive, hard-working guy. I can get a job somewhere else, y'know, cool off so to speak, get some sun, meet new people, have a change of pace. You get what I'm talking about. So I answered an ad, and the Principal couldn't resist me, and I wound up working as a Vice Principal. Not principal of vices, you understand, but a deputy. It's a demotion, but eh, whatcha gonna do?"
"But you're planning on bringing your Lord of the Dead skills to Fandom, right?" Stephen smiled. "I've seen those kids, and some of them could really use the discipline." Stephen made a little explosion noise and his hands fluttered in the accompanying gesture.
"Believe it or not, I did more dealings with the living than with the dead as Lord of the Dead. In the end, all their souls are belong to me, but it's a matter of efficiency, Steve. I get them sooner, I've done my job right. Why waste 20 years when I can get the job done now? Plus there's always been a points system. That was Zeus' idea. Thought he was smart, putting a little incentive in there, create a little balance in the world. I get double points if they come willingly. Takes a little coercing, but when they see things my way, they come through. Now THAT'S job satisfaction."
"Good to hear." Stephen nodded. "I'm happy to talk to someone who isn't afraid to say his stance on capital punishment." Stephen was a little curious. "So are you keeping your hand in the God of Death practice? Moonlighting, so to speak?"
"I'm on, shall we say, a sabbatical. Even the God of Death needs a vacation, don't you think?"
"Fair enough. If anyone knows the value of a vacation, it's me." Stephen knew that The Report went on vacation a little too frequently, but Jon Stewart set the standard, and Stephen wasn't going to argue with that.
"But I'm not saying I'll never get back into it. I will. I'm just...laying low. Cruising through. Finding my feet again. And hey, I'm always looking for new employees, so who knows? Fandom might be the place for that! Are you interested in a job, Stephen?"
Stephen laughed. "If you needed a news correspondent, it would be nice to lead a network." He pointed at Hades, giving him the serious news correspondent look. "But I have to stick with Lady America. She's my first true love."
"America, America, right. I could do America. If I was your President," he hypothesized, getting an idea that really wasn't good for the nation, "Then would you take the job?"
"Why, are you running?" Stephen's interest was piqued. "You could announce it here, get the Colbert Bump." It was true. The politicians that got a good word on The Report tended to do very well come election season.
"Hey, sure, why not? My name's Hades and I'm running for President. There ya go!" He figured it was safe to announce that, since Zeus didn't have a TV, didn't read the newspapers and generally kept away from the United States (even in this time period) to stop himself from wanting to bash his head repeatedly against a wall.
Stephen brightened up. "All right!" He motioned toward Hades, and looked at the camera. "This isn't any Obama, folks. Here's a man that doesn't need an exploratory committee. He's got the balls to come right out and say that-" he pounded the table with each word- "He's Going. To. Do. It. Someone's gotta stop the Dems."
"Who is this Obama guy, anyway? Weren't you guys trying to find him in Afghanistan?" Hades wasn't really caught up on all of the details of this time period. "But hey, forget him, gimme Hillary Clinton any day. Now there's a dame I can do business with. And by 'business' I mean 'make her say my name, '."
This was a discussion! "Well, that's not the half of Senator Obama's name similarities. Y'know his middle name?" He tossed down his pen. "Hussein. Yeah, try to make the public think that that's a coincidence."
"And as for Hillary," he had an intense look on his face, "that woman is evil incarnate. Her and Nancy Pelosi."
"Hey, my kind of women! Think they do tabletop dancing on the side?" Maybe Ares would like them.
Stephen shook a finger. "I wouldn't put it past them. You never know what they'd do to pass legislation."
"Those saucy little minxes." Hades rubbed his chin. "So anyway, if I was President, I'd need a Chief of Staff. You're a fine, upstanding guy with his finger on the pulse of the nation." Not that there'd be a pulse for long. "Want the job?"
Flattery. It always worked on Stephen. "Call me in 2008, and we'll talk. Sadly, we're out of time." Stephen stuck out his hand to shake Hades'. "I'm gonna say it- so you heard it here first- your president in 2008, Lord Hades!"
Hades shook it back, while waving to the non-existent audience with a grin.
After a commercial, Stephen was standing at a shelf. He looked up, as if surprised. “Oh, hi!” He said to the camera. “I didn’t see you there.
“Tonight, we spent some time discussing the people who started our nation. It got me thinking. A few hundred years from now, future Americans will be reading about us in the history books. I, of course, will be one of those names in bold. Of course, not everyone will be mentioned by name, but we’ll all be in there, together as a time period. An idealized, golden time period. Because it goes without saying that future generations will forget all the problems we have now, and remember this as a simpler time.” Stephen held up a large bit of cloth. “So tonight, in honor of the colonists, I’m placing this brightly colored, comically huge bonnet on the shelf.” He placed it next to a row of books. “No one really ever wore these particular bonnets, but that doesn’t matter anymore. They’ve been included in every early American movie ever made, and they’ve become synonymous with colonial clothing. It goes to show that it doesn’t matter what really happened, just what we remember.” He nodded to the camera. “Good night.”
The Colbert Report theme played, and credits rolled.
Chuck switched off the video. “Okay, we have time for a short discussion before the bell rings. Questions?”
[ooc: Stephen’s interview preplayed last year, and I had to use it again. <3 ]
“Last semester, we watched an episode of The Colbert Report. I was planning on recording one last night, but with the recent writers’ strike, it seemed a waste to rerecord a rerun. So I’ve used the episode from last year, where our vice principal was fortunate enough to be interviewed.”
Once the lights were off, Mr. Noblet hit play on the DVD, and the video started.
The studio was decked out in red and blue. Lights flashed, an audience applauded, and it seemed that everywhere one looked, they would see the same three words repeated over and over.
The Colbert Report
The camera finished panning, fixing its gaze on an anchorman of poise, dignity, and utter gravitas. (Except that he looked oddly like Mr. Noblet.) He was seated at a news desk, pumping his fist in some incomprehensible gesture. When the crowd stopped its cheering, the man explained.
“We are riding the freedom train to the truth express.” He pumped his fist again, as if he were pulling a train whistle. “I’m Stephen Colbert, and welcome to the Report, ladies and gentlemen. This is a very special episode, so I’m glad to have you with us. Today, we’ll be focusing on the people who set our country in motion, the people who allowed our founding fathers to give birth to this nation.” He looked down at his notes, and crossed something out. “Sorry. Men don’t give birth.” He wrote something else in, speaking as he did. “Who allowed… our founding fathers… to impregnate… liberty, which gave… birth to this nation.” He seemed to like that metaphor better. “Of course I’m talking about the Heroes, the American colonists themselves. Which brings us to today’s Word.”
The camera angled changed, and a blue graphic covered half the screen. Letters arranged on the graphic with a *ding* and Stephen read the text.
“Model America.
Now I know that all you factinistas out there are going to say: “But Stephen! The lives of early American colonists were old-fashioned, we’ve evolved as a society.”
As Stephen spoke, the text changed to say -We have McDonald’s and Brangelina. He seemed oblivious to the change.
“Well, I don’t believe in evolution. I just believe in forces corrupting and changing America. It’s no good, and I’m ready to propose a solution that will exorcise the demons from our country.
-We’re getting rid of Vice President Cheney?
“Some conservatives are calling for a return to humbler times. I couldn’t agree more, except for one little change. Whereas they might be calling for a return to the American dream of the 1950’s, I’d like to see a good throwback to the 1650’s.”
-The good old old days
After all, that government had the huevos to condone the Salem Witch trials. The people accepted that the government needed to be given the freedom to accuse and search at will. And if that power was around today, it’d be pretty useful. We could call it “The Colonist Act,””
-or The Patriot Act
“or something like that. After all, with total government domination would come a more peaceful, simpler time.”
Model America
“And that’s The Word.”
Stephen looked the camera in the eye (lens?) and said “I know that it’s innocent until proven guilty, so let’s get out there and label some guilty. This is ‘Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger!’”
“First off, a Wag of My Finger-” he accented his words with the matching gesture- “to the makers of the popular massively multiplayer online game World of Warcraft. This month, they released a game extension that includes a larger playable area and a new maximum character level.” Stephen scowled. “This is terrible news. Our nation’s youth already spend enough time on these games. Now, the over one million users are going to spend more time fighting trolls, and less time doing what’s important…” He crossed his arms. “…watching TV. I swear, if my viewer count goes down-” He pouted for a minute, then changed the subject.
“Moving on. A Tip of the Hat to President Bush, and his state of the union address last night. Without a doubt, it was his best yet. Usually, sequels can’t live up to the original, but the President was shooting six for six.”
“Next up, a wag of my finger to the entire NFL. It looks like the Arizona Colts will be playing the Bears in this year’s superbowl.” He shook his head sadly. “We all know that bears are godless killing machines. And allowing a team that uses a bear as its mascot to reach the superbowl does nothing but promote those terrible creatures. It was the duty of each and every other team to stick it to bears as an entire species by beating Chicago.” Stephen’s jaw was set in anger. “If the bears win the superbowl, it’s official. They’re taking over. And I don’t know about you, but I refuse to life in a nightmarish world ruled by bear overlords, where I or any other human could be reduced to taco filling at a moment’s notice. Yeah. One chomp of those jaws-” he stretched open his mouth and chomped down- “and you’re hamburger. Those bears would do it.”
He sighed. “We’ll be right back.”
After a roll of theme music, The Colbert Report cut to a commercial.
---
Stephen looked at the camera. "Tonight's guest comes all the way from hell. I'll ask him if he's ever tired of hanging out with all those Democrats. Please welcome Lord Hades!" Stephen got up from his desk and ran to the interview area, waving his arms and hamming it up. The camera, of course, followed him.
Hades appeared out of nowhere dramatically in a grand gesture of showmanship. He waved to the audience that didn't exist and slid up to Colbert. "They love me. They really love me."
Stephen slung an arm around Hades, pointed with his other arm, and smiled. Somewhere a camera flashed. Photo op!
Stephen figured that he could use a Greek friend.
"Steve, pal, associate, close amigo." Who said Greek gods couldn't use random Spanish words? "You're looking good. Lost some weight? Done something new with your hair?"
"Yeah, I've been jazzercising. Works wonders." Stephen sat down at the interview table and shuffled his notes. "You look like you're doing all right, too. As always, I love the hair."
Hades smoothed it back with his hand, but it went on flaming right where it always did. Not that he himself was flaming. No. "Flatterer. Thanks for having me on your show. Love it. Really love it. I TiVo every episode so I don't miss it."
"Hey," Stephen gave the camera a smile, "the guy has good taste." He turned back to Hades. "Now, let's get down to business. I've heard that you have a new gig; you're helping to shape our younger generation?"
"Well yeah, I guess you could call it that. After working on the same project at my old job for 18 years - and lemme tell you now, Stephen, it didn't work out so great - I figured hey, what the heck, I'm a smart, attractive, hard-working guy. I can get a job somewhere else, y'know, cool off so to speak, get some sun, meet new people, have a change of pace. You get what I'm talking about. So I answered an ad, and the Principal couldn't resist me, and I wound up working as a Vice Principal. Not principal of vices, you understand, but a deputy. It's a demotion, but eh, whatcha gonna do?"
"But you're planning on bringing your Lord of the Dead skills to Fandom, right?" Stephen smiled. "I've seen those kids, and some of them could really use the discipline." Stephen made a little explosion noise and his hands fluttered in the accompanying gesture.
"Believe it or not, I did more dealings with the living than with the dead as Lord of the Dead. In the end, all their souls are belong to me, but it's a matter of efficiency, Steve. I get them sooner, I've done my job right. Why waste 20 years when I can get the job done now? Plus there's always been a points system. That was Zeus' idea. Thought he was smart, putting a little incentive in there, create a little balance in the world. I get double points if they come willingly. Takes a little coercing, but when they see things my way, they come through. Now THAT'S job satisfaction."
"Good to hear." Stephen nodded. "I'm happy to talk to someone who isn't afraid to say his stance on capital punishment." Stephen was a little curious. "So are you keeping your hand in the God of Death practice? Moonlighting, so to speak?"
"I'm on, shall we say, a sabbatical. Even the God of Death needs a vacation, don't you think?"
"Fair enough. If anyone knows the value of a vacation, it's me." Stephen knew that The Report went on vacation a little too frequently, but Jon Stewart set the standard, and Stephen wasn't going to argue with that.
"But I'm not saying I'll never get back into it. I will. I'm just...laying low. Cruising through. Finding my feet again. And hey, I'm always looking for new employees, so who knows? Fandom might be the place for that! Are you interested in a job, Stephen?"
Stephen laughed. "If you needed a news correspondent, it would be nice to lead a network." He pointed at Hades, giving him the serious news correspondent look. "But I have to stick with Lady America. She's my first true love."
"America, America, right. I could do America. If I was your President," he hypothesized, getting an idea that really wasn't good for the nation, "Then would you take the job?"
"Why, are you running?" Stephen's interest was piqued. "You could announce it here, get the Colbert Bump." It was true. The politicians that got a good word on The Report tended to do very well come election season.
"Hey, sure, why not? My name's Hades and I'm running for President. There ya go!" He figured it was safe to announce that, since Zeus didn't have a TV, didn't read the newspapers and generally kept away from the United States (even in this time period) to stop himself from wanting to bash his head repeatedly against a wall.
Stephen brightened up. "All right!" He motioned toward Hades, and looked at the camera. "This isn't any Obama, folks. Here's a man that doesn't need an exploratory committee. He's got the balls to come right out and say that-" he pounded the table with each word- "He's Going. To. Do. It. Someone's gotta stop the Dems."
"Who is this Obama guy, anyway? Weren't you guys trying to find him in Afghanistan?" Hades wasn't really caught up on all of the details of this time period. "But hey, forget him, gimme Hillary Clinton any day. Now there's a dame I can do business with. And by 'business' I mean 'make her say my name, '."
This was a discussion! "Well, that's not the half of Senator Obama's name similarities. Y'know his middle name?" He tossed down his pen. "Hussein. Yeah, try to make the public think that that's a coincidence."
"And as for Hillary," he had an intense look on his face, "that woman is evil incarnate. Her and Nancy Pelosi."
"Hey, my kind of women! Think they do tabletop dancing on the side?" Maybe Ares would like them.
Stephen shook a finger. "I wouldn't put it past them. You never know what they'd do to pass legislation."
"Those saucy little minxes." Hades rubbed his chin. "So anyway, if I was President, I'd need a Chief of Staff. You're a fine, upstanding guy with his finger on the pulse of the nation." Not that there'd be a pulse for long. "Want the job?"
Flattery. It always worked on Stephen. "Call me in 2008, and we'll talk. Sadly, we're out of time." Stephen stuck out his hand to shake Hades'. "I'm gonna say it- so you heard it here first- your president in 2008, Lord Hades!"
Hades shook it back, while waving to the non-existent audience with a grin.
After a commercial, Stephen was standing at a shelf. He looked up, as if surprised. “Oh, hi!” He said to the camera. “I didn’t see you there.
“Tonight, we spent some time discussing the people who started our nation. It got me thinking. A few hundred years from now, future Americans will be reading about us in the history books. I, of course, will be one of those names in bold. Of course, not everyone will be mentioned by name, but we’ll all be in there, together as a time period. An idealized, golden time period. Because it goes without saying that future generations will forget all the problems we have now, and remember this as a simpler time.” Stephen held up a large bit of cloth. “So tonight, in honor of the colonists, I’m placing this brightly colored, comically huge bonnet on the shelf.” He placed it next to a row of books. “No one really ever wore these particular bonnets, but that doesn’t matter anymore. They’ve been included in every early American movie ever made, and they’ve become synonymous with colonial clothing. It goes to show that it doesn’t matter what really happened, just what we remember.” He nodded to the camera. “Good night.”
The Colbert Report theme played, and credits rolled.
Chuck switched off the video. “Okay, we have time for a short discussion before the bell rings. Questions?”
[ooc: Stephen’s interview preplayed last year, and I had to use it again. <3 ]