Unsuitable, Part Five: Intricately II
Chapter Index: Unsuitable Master Post
A/N: Read Part I
Days past. Night came and went and still they walked, aimlessly in every direction, never gaining ground, never reaching the edge of the forest. Most of the time they were quiet, the air around them laden with unspoken questions and apologies.
There were so many things clouding Arthur's mind that he couldn't grasp on a single thought and keep hold of it. He was trying to run through everything that had ever happened since Merlin had arrived. Any time when magic was involved that Merlin might not have been truthful with him. Arthur was annoyed with Merlin in many ways because he had always known more than Arthur and had never been forthcoming with him about it. But then he remembered the night that he stuck his sword into Merlin's neck while he slept and knew that he was in the wrong too.
They both were at fault but neither could come up with the words to express the confusion and anguish that settled inside their heads.
Merlin could not stop thinking of the moment that he woke up to find Arthur's sword at his throat; the threatening gaze with which Arthur bore down at him and the words that dripped malice whenever he spoke. Arthur was not only scared of Merlin's abilities, he hated Merlin in the same way he had hated Uther when he found out about his mother's death. No matter how much he denied it, Merlin had seen that hatred in Arthur's blue eyes when they looked down at him that night.
After all they had been through, after finally settling into one another, they were once again wrenched apart. Two sides of the same coin? A destiny that was intertwined between the two of them? How could it be when no matter how hard they tried, they were always pushing against each other, always moving away? They clashed more now than ever before even with the secrets between them diminishing.
The atmosphere they were moving through was stifling them and added to that the reality that they were lost in a world they didn't even know, alone and isolated, they were forgetting what had ever made them compatible to begin with. They lashed out at each other for no reason other than to feel the emotion. That kick-start of testosterone and adrenaline let them know that they were still there, that they could still feel sorrow and pain and unhappiness at a normal level of cognition. Without the confusion and the anger to sustain them, they would not know if they were even still alive.
The days stretched into a week and still they were lost. Nothing ever seemed to change. The sun rose and fell at distinct intervals, never too hot, never too cold. Water was there when they needed it, food presented itself when they were hungry, but the thing that they were so desperately searching for remained ever out of reach.
But on the ninth day, there was vicissitude.
Merlin felt a fat raindrop splash on his nose and he looked up at the sky where a disturbance was visible. Before he really had time to process it, the storm was upon them. The rain pelted down heavily on their clothes and skin and thunder shook the ground around them. Lightning raced across the sky, each bolt crashing against another.
And then Merlin snapped.
He ran toward Arthur at full speed, shoulder angled toward the impact. He careened into the prince with a crack of thunder that drowned out his disturbing scream. The crash overbalanced Arthur and they both careened to the ground in a painful heap. Arthur took no time in answering Merlin's assault. He freed his right hand from the tangle of Merlin's arms and thrust his balled fist into the side Merlin's face. Merlin groaned in pain and was dazed enough that Arthur was able to wrestle from beneath him and punch him again, this time in the stomach. Merlin curled into himself and Arthur stood, but did nothing more than look down at Merlin.
The warlock's hand extended out and an invisible blow to the chest threw Arthur back to the ground. While the blond tried to regain his footing, Merlin was up again, sliding dangerously in the mud but holding his ground in the end. Arthur's face twisted in pain but he forced himself to stand and for a long moment they stared into mirrored blue eyes.
Arthur advanced this time and he grappled at Merlin's tunic until he had a good hold, then shook Merlin's lanky frame violently. The manservant grasped at Arthur's shoulders, slapping and digging into skin, trying to free himself from the prince's hold. He centered both palms on either side of Arthur's broad shoulders and pushed with all his might, which caused Arthur to slip in the mud, pulling Merlin along with him. They both went blind as dirt and water splattered into their eyes and caked over their skin. Arthur released Merlin's tunic and wiped furiously at his face and Merlin did the same.
When they could see each other again, neither moved. Merlin straddled Arthur's waist at an uncomfortable angle, one knee digging into the prince's side and the other sliding in the mud, putting a painful strain on his inner thigh. And then he was screaming, nonsensical at first but then accusing, a hand fisting at Arthur's clothing.
"You're just like your father! You don't think for yourself! You let blind hatred propel you! You'll never be any better than he is!"
"And you think you're much different, Merlin?" Arthur's eyes were narrowed into slits and spittle flew from his mouth as he yelled back up at Merlin. "Look at you! A sorcerer using his magic against others! You'll be nothing different than Morgause, killing to gain power!"
"That's not true!" Merlin yelled in reply. He still had a hold of Arthur's tunic and he tugged at it, pulling Arthur's upper body closer and holding a fist threateningly in front of the blond's face. But his anger began to waver, his strength faltered, and he released Arthur's tunic and punched his hand into the mud beside Arthur's head.
Merlin's anger twisted into grief and tears fell freely from his eyes. "It isn't true," he pleaded and crumpled to the ground beside Arthur.
Arthur's eyes darted over Merlin's buckled frame and he felt a sorrowful shame wash through him. He knew he was crying, just like Merlin, and he wiped furiously at his face, only succeeding in spreading mud over his skin. He realised that they had finally said what they couldn't admit to themselves. They had voiced the nightmares that haunted them. It was what neither of them wanted to become, but what they both feared they could not prevent.
Arthur forced himself into a sitting position and nudged his arm under Merlin's, pulling the warlock up. They stared blearily into each other's eyes, and then crashed into one another, arms wrapped tightly around waist and shoulders. They clung to each other in urgent support, both shaking from their own sobs, noses pressed into shoulder and hair. The rain pounded against them from above, the thunder rumbled beneath them and the lightening cracked between their bodies, breaking one and then the other until they were lost, together as one.
The rain slowed around them. When they finally pulled away from one another, there was nothing left of the storm but a darkened sky.
Merlin fingered his sore jaw. "It can never be said that you haven't a good arm," the warlock said mournfully.
A smirk formed on Arthur's face, "I've been trained to kill since birth. I did warn you." Arthur lifted a hand and touched Merlin's cheek tenderly, turning his head at different angles to check for injury. "I don't think I broke you."
Merlin's face darkened at his choice of phrase. He said, "No, not this time."
With a sigh, Arthur removed his hand from Merlin's face. "I'm sorry," he said simply.
"I know," Merlin replied.
Arthur shook his head. "No Merlin. For what I did; coming after you in the middle of the night like that. I was…I was scared."
Merlin nodded but couldn't seem to say anything in return.
Arthur started fingering the mud at the side of his thigh, making a ball of it then crushing it flat with his palm. He didn't apologise often, so it wasn't easy for him. It also wasn't easy for him to get his feelings out into words that would make any sense. "I've grown up all my life with my father telling me that magic can only be used in one way. I've never seen it used for anything besides that, so-"
"It's not your fault, Arthur," Merlin interjected.
"Yes, it is. I know you think I'm just like him, Merlin, but I'm not. He never risks anything, never wants to do something rash even if it would save one person's life. He says that my life is worth more than the people in my kingdom's lives…and I don't believe that. Well I did…before I met you." He gave Merlin a pointed look.
"I don't think you're like your father, Arthur. I've been with you long enough to see that. You use your head and your heart equally and your father…he only uses his head. You have to have the heart, Arthur, to be a great king and you've got it."
Arthur remained silent for a while, still digging in the mud while he sat there. Eventually he said, "Merlin. I know you're not evil."
"Arthur, you don't-"
"Merlin. Look at yourself. I do know that. I've seen it in you. There have been dozens of times that you could have let me die and you didn't. If you were hell-bent on killing me, you'd have done it by now."
A small smile tugged at the corner of Merlin's lips. "I have thought about it a few times. You're a right pain in the arse."
Arthur laughed. "I know. I'm serious though. The only reason I came to you that night was to…I don't know. See for myself? I guess I just had to confirm that it wasn't really you. In the dream, I mean."
"What happened in the dream?" Merlin asked, because he was curious as to what would have worried Arthur so much.
Arthur told him. He tried to explain as detailed as he could, how real it all had seemed to him. And even though he knew that the Merlin in the dream was a farce, he still believed that what Morgana had said about Morgause was true. Morgana was angry with Uther and she was going to keep trying to help Morgause kill him. "I wouldn't have really killed you, Merlin. Even if you had screamed."
Merlin nodded. "I know that."
"I'm sorry," Arthur said a second time and placed a hand on Merlin's wrist. He wasn't holding it, just touching the pale skin that connected Merlin's hand to his arm. They both stared down at his hand for a while.
"Do you want to know, Arthur? Do you want to hear everything?" Merlin looked up into Arthur's face as he spoke.
Arthur held his gaze. "How much is there?"
Merlin shrugged a shoulder. "A lot."
"Ok."
And so Merlin told him. He started at the beginning, when he had first come to Camelot and heard the dragon's call. He told Arthur everything the dragon had ever told him.
First he spoke about the two of them and their destiny. Arthur believed it to be true. When he had thought about Merlin's arrival before, he was only considering the downside. The truth was that Merlin had come to Camelot because the forces were beginning to move against him and his father, not to bring it with him. It was such an abstract concept, but it somehow made complete sense. Merlin was destined to be by Arthur's side to ensure the kingdom a prosperous future and Arthur really believed that without Merlin, it never would happen.
Merlin told Arthur about Mordred and Morgana and what the dragon had said was written in their future. He told Arthur that Mordred's destiny was to bring about Arthur's doom just as Merlin's was to protect him from it. He told Arthur that the dragon believed in the both of them even though he held the grudge against Uther for hunting down his kind. Merlin explained the many times he had gone to the dragon to receive wisdom about saving Arthur and the kingdom from one peril or another. He said that he had been afraid to tell Gaius about the dragon because Gaius would have disapproved of Merlin promising to free him when he was given the chance.
Then Merlin told Arthur that it was he who had freed the dragon and unleashed his wrath on Camelot. It was his doing that so many people died and even though he believed Morgana to be alive, it did not erase the blood from his hands that had been wrought by the dragon. He felt his shoulders sag as he spoke of this. His heart still felt heavy with the weight of those lives lost. At his visible anguish, Arthur's touch on his wrist lowered and Merlin watched as Arthur's fingers fell between the spaces of Merlin's own, closing around the back of Merlin's hand. Merlin curled his own fingers to touch the back of Arthur's hand and he squeezed once, a silent thank you.
Finally, Merlin explained that Balinor had been his father, "He saved my life and he'd only known me for half a day." His eyes glistened in memory.
Arthur sighed. "I'm so sorry Merlin. If I'd known that, I wouldn't have pressured you as I did about it."
Merlin shook his head. "No, Arthur. What you told me…it helped. It did." Merlin told the prince that he was now the last dragonlord and it was he who ordered the dragon to leave. He spared his life and now the dragon owed it to him. There would come a day when he would have need of the dragon's help and he would receive it. If nothing else good had come of giving the dragon his freedom, at least he had that.
After talking to so much, Merlin felt like he could tell Arthur anything and so he did. He told Arthur about the druid woman, Freya, for whom he'd felt such affection he had never known before. Unlike with Morgana, Merlin felt a connection with Freya even though her magic was really a curse. He told Arthur what she said before she died, that he had made her feel loved and that one day she would repay his kindness. Arthur squeezed his hand in reply.
And then he said what he had feared most of all, after coming to Camelot and encountering so many sorcerers who had stooped to using their magic for evil. "I'm afraid that I will become like them one day. I'll seek revenge on those who wished to do me harm, wished to do Gaius or Gwen or you harm. I will track down and murder them all and then how will I be any better? How can I say that I use my magic for the good of all when I've already caused so much pain?"
His eyes were cast on the ground as he spoke and he cursed himself for letting his voice quiver. He was about to say that he was being stupid, but Arthur was pulling away from him. Arthur tugged his hand out of Merlin's and the warlock looked up to see why. Then Arthur's hands were on either side of Merlin's face, training his gaze to Arthur's own. Merlin felt warm as Arthur's thumbs rubbed beneath his eyes, wiping away the tears that had fallen.
"Merlin," Arthur began. His voice was low, even and caring. Merlin was certain he had never heard Arthur say his name like that before and he would give his life to hear that affection in Arthur's voice again. But he didn't have to. "Merlin," Arthur repeated and Merlin waited expectantly for Arthur to finish his sentence.
But the prince said nothing else. Instead he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Merlin's, soft and gentle and completely unlike anything Merlin knew Arthur to be. Merlin kissed Arthur back and realised that he was wrong. This was exactly the Arthur he knew and had grown to care for. This was the Arthur that Merlin alone knew and the thought of having this Arthur for himself was the greatest joy Merlin had ever felt. He lifted his hands to Arthur's and curled his fingers around the blond's wrists, holding onto them as if he were afraid they would disappear at any moment.
Arthur was still there when he pulled away, though, and Merlin heard himself sigh at the warmth that ran between his forehead and Arthur's that pressed against it. "Merlin," Arthur said a third time, "don't ever for a second think that you will turn out like them. That's not possible. You, Merlin, are the most selfless person I've ever met and there is a reason that so many owe you debts of life. You may have taken lives before and you may do so in the future, but you save just as many-if not more." Merlin watched as Arthur's eyes closed and reopened and then the prince smiled. Merlin could tell because he saw it crinkle at the corner of his eyes and the light that pooled within each brilliant blue iris spoke of Arthur's happiness.
Arthur pulled back from Merlin so he could look into his face fully. "You saved my life, Merlin, and I do not mean the heart that beats within me." The prince took one of Merlin's slender hands into his own and pressed it against his chest. Merlin felt Arthur's heart pumping beneath his fingers, thumping a little faster than was normal. "I mean my very soul, Merlin. When I turned all others away from me with my boorish arrogance, you were there to show me what a man of true character really was. You have taught me more about life in a few years than anyone else has taught me for the whole of my life. When I met you, I changed. I became the person that you knew I could be-the person you believed truly lived inside here." He patted his chest with Merlin's hand. "And Merlin, I wouldn't give that up for the whole of the world. The day I met you was the day I finally became the prince I always claimed to be. It was the day I decided to live up to the duties I was born with, the duties to protect and serve the people of my kingdom.
"When I met you Merlin, I finally met myself." Arthur's voice faltered then and he closed his mouth, still clutching Merlin's hand to his chest. After a few moments of silence, in which Merlin tried to wrap his mind around some sort of reply to Arthur's words, the blond spoke once more. "That is why I know Merlin, without any doubt, that you could never be anything like the sorcerers we have faced. You have the purest heart of anyone I have ever known and it will be with your help, I hope, that I ascend the thrown as everything that a king should be. It is with your help that this kingdom will prosper-I don't think that it can be done without you, Merlin."
Merlin spluttered, "Arthur-I-you-you're an idiot." He watched as the prince's face blanched and rushed to continue, "Arthur, all those qualities you began to see in yourself, they were already there. I didn't make you into a great person, you already were one, you just didn't believe in yourself. All I did was tell you to."
Arthur's face began to bleed colour back and he smiled a small, private smile Merlin had begun to know intimately as one that was only for him. "Well regardless," Arthur said, "I wanted to know if you would be there. If you'd stay with me and help me build a kingdom that cherishes its people rather than exploits them."
"Of course I will, Arthur. I couldn't leave even if I tried." The warlock smirked then. "You see, I have tried to leave before but to no avail so it looks as though I'm stuck."
Arthur laughed in reply. "I think there are worse places to be stuck," the prince's smile turned into a mischievous one as his mouth descended on Merlin's once more and neither of them seemed to have much else to say.
Continue to Part Six: Cohesively