Fic: The Epic Tale of the Journey to Candy Mountain
Title: The Epic Tale of the Journey to Candy Mountain
Author: lou_angel and hils
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Merlin
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur
Words: 6340
Summary: Part of the Epic Tales series. It's highly recommended you watch this, this and this before you read the fic or it will make even less sense than usual ;)
Thanks to Rizzy for the beta work
Being Gaius’s dogsbody didn’t come with much in the way of perks; the only one Merlin could think of was access to his books, which was handy when it came to embarrassing situations like this one.
“I don’t see why you can’t just ask Gaius,” Arthur said as he peered over his shoulder.
“Would you want to ask him?” Merlin shot back.
“Well, no, but I’m the prince. It’s your job to ask him.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” Merlin retorted, “if I ask, Gaius will want to examine me and I’m not letting him go anywhere near there!”
“Oh Merlin, it’s just a rash,” said Arthur.
“It’s that ridiculous oil you keep insisting on using,” Merlin said wriggling uncomfortably on his chair.
“It smells nice,” Arthur said defensively.
Merlin flicked through the pages of the book, hoping desperately to find an alternative oil that they could use. If they couldn’t, then things were going to get very…dull for both of them.
“Hey, what’s that?” Arthur asked, stopping Merlin’s hand on one of the pages.
“Uh, not oil,” Merlin pointed out.
Arthur leant over Merlin’s shoulder to get a better look at the page. “Candy Mountain,” he said. “Sounds fun.”
Merlin scanned the page quickly and looked at the picture of a giant pink mountain. “It’s full of sweet things Arthur, but nothing that can help us with our problem.”
“I like sweet things,” Arthur said with a wide smile. “Let’s go!”
Merlin finished reading the page. “It’s a dangerous journey,” he warned.
Arthur’s smile got even bigger. “Come on Merlin, it’ll be fun. Just you and me. Like it used to be.”
Merlin refrained from pointing out that just because Arthur chose to ignore the small army of knights and various servants that usually accompanied them on any journey they made, did not mean they were alone.
“It says that Candy Mountain is an ideal place for couples.” Arthur continued. “We’re a couple, aren’t we Merlin?”
“Well, yes.” Merlin blushed because he still hadn’t really got used to the idea despite the epic amounts of amazing sex they’d been having, and the fact that Uther had more or less planned their wedding.
“Excellent! We shall leave at first light then. Make sure my horse is saddled and polish my sword.”
“You know, considering we’re a couple you still boss me around a lot,” Merlin pointed out.
“I can’t help that. It’s my job,” Arthur retorted but Merlin’s eyes were back on the page.
“Oh. It says here that only a unicorn can guide the way to Candy Mountain.”
“Crap.”
“Oh well, never mind,” Merlin said brightly. “There’ll be other quests.”
Arthur looked crestfallen and Merlin momentarily felt like he’d stolen a present from a small child.
“We could ask Anhora,” Arthur suggested.
“I don’t think so,” Merlin said.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t trust him,” Merlin said simply. “And I’d end up having to save you from almost certain death. Again.”
“Don’t be such a girl, Merlin.”
“I’m a girl?” Merlin laughed incredulously. “You’re the one that wants to go to a giant pink mountain full of sweets.”
“Shut up, Merlin.” Arthur pouted and turned away, arms folded.
Merlin sighed and turned his attention back to the book.
“Well,” Arthur announced, “you can stay here if you like. I’m going into the forest tomorrow to look for Anhora.”
Merlin sighed again. “Oh, fine, I’ll come with you. Just try not to kill any unicorns this time, okay?”
“I’m not a complete imbecile. I learned my lesson last time.”
Merlin muttered under his breath about how miracles could really be achieved and slammed the book shut. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, he could feel it.
* * *
“Oh dear, he doesn’t seem to be here. Let’s go back to the castle,” Merlin said after an hour and a half of trampling through dense forest undergrowth.
Arthur glowered and flung himself down onto a log in a sulk. “I want to go to Candy Mountain.”
Merlin sat beside him. “Perhaps Candy Mountain wasn’t meant to be found.”
“Then why was it in a book?” Arthur asked petulantly, “With directions?”
“Well…uh…maybe…”
Merlin was saved from having to find another excuse by the random and unexpected appearance of two unicorns.
“Candy Mountain!” The pink one exclaimed gleefully. “It’s a land of sweets and joy and joyness.”
The other one nodded its head excitedly in agreement.
“Can you take us there?” Arthur asked hopefully, his eyes shining at the thought of all the sweets and joy.
“We cannot take you alone,” the purple unicorn said.
“What if Anhora comes with us?” Arthur asked eagerly.
“You know the keeper?” the pink unicorn asked delightedly.
“Keeeeeeper!” the purple unicorn echoed in a singsong voice. “Keeeeeeper!”
“Yes, we have met Anhora,” Merlin said abruptly and then, under his breath, “Unfortunately.”
“You’re like a constant downer, huh?” said the pink unicorn with an unexpected sharpness.
“Shush Merlin,” said Arthur, “or we will never get to Candy Mountain.”
“Candy Mountain!” the purple unicorn chanted, happily distracted.
“Come, come,” they said in unison, before starting to trot through the woods with Merlin and Arthur following behind.
“I didn’t know unicorns could talk,” Arthur said as they walked. “What are your names?”
“Fru-Fru and Lulu,” they said together, leaving Arthur totally confused as to which one was which. “We’re going to Candy Mountain.”
The unicorns began to slow down as they neared a clearing.
“Through there,” the pink one said.
“Go, tell of the quest to Candy Mountain!” the purple unicorn said.
“Candy Mountain!”
They pushed Merlin and Arthur into the clearing.
A larger, white, unicorn was lying on the grass staring at a screen on which various unicorns cavorted athletically in mind-boggling positions.
Arthur cleared his throat loudly and the unicorn looked up guiltily as the title “Uniporn” filled the screen.
“Hello,” Arthur said. “I am Prince Arthur of Camelot. What is your name?”
The unicorn frowned at Merlin and Arthur as if suspecting some kind of hoax until it eventually replied. “Charlie.”
Arthur blinked. “Charlie.”
“Yes. Charlie. You got a problem with that?”
Arthur shrugged. “It’s not a very unicorny name, is it?”
Charlie raised an eyebrow, or where an eyebrow would have been if unicorns had them. “And how many unicorns do you know exactly?”
“Well, two at the moment,” Arthur replied. “Three including you, but that’s not why I’m here. We want to go to Candy Mountain and we’ve heard you’re the…uh…horse to talk to about it.”
Charlie snorted.
“If not, we can go,” said Merlin, “and leave you to your…entertainment.”
Charlie did not look amused.
“I would like to go to Candy Mountain,” Arthur said firmly, “if you would help. It is a land of sweets and joy.”
“And joyness!” trilled Fru-Fru and Lulu as they trotted out from beneath the trees into the clearing.
“Oh,” said Charlie. “You two.”
“Charlie!” said the pink unicorn with glee. “Candy Mountain, Charlie!”
“Charlieeee!” repeated the purple unicorn. “Take us to Candy Mountain, Charlie.”
“No,” said Charlie. “I like my kidney. And there is danger. Much danger.”
“Kidney?” Merlin asked, disliking the idea of Candy Mountain more with everything he heard about it. “And what sort of danger?”
“I’m watching my TV,” said Charlie dismissively. “Go away.”
“But Charlie!” the pink unicorn cried.
“Charlieeeee!” said the purple unicorn.
“Come on Charlie!”
“Charlieeeeee!” whined the purple unicorn. “Charlieeeeee!”
“Candy Mountain!”
“Charlieeeeee!”
“Oh all right,” Charlie said grumpily. “Fine. We’ll go to Candy Mountain.”
Fru-Fru and Lulu pranced about happily and Arthur looked very much like he would do the same if such a thing were not so undignified.
Merlin and Charlie looked less than thrilled.
“Now we must find the guide,” Fru-Fru said. “He will show us the way.”
“I thought Charlie was the guide.”
“No, silly,” Lulu tutted. “Charlie is the way.”
“What? That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Yeah, you’ll get used to that,” Charlie grumbled.
The unicorns came to a halt in a small clearing. “Now we must summon the guide.”
“Oh, this should be good,” Charlie muttered.
Fru-Fru and Lulu trotted around in a circle sticking their tongues out at each other and making bizarre chirping noises.
“Oh, what do you two want?”
“Gandalf! Gandaaaaaalf!”
The familiar grumpy wizard had appeared in the clearing and was glaring at the brightly coloured unicorns.
“No,” said Merlin resolutely. “No way.”
Even Arthur didn’t look that happy to see Gandalf. He always seemed to get the brunt of the wizard’s sarcasm and he didn’t like it at all.
“We’re going to Candy Mountain, Gandalf!” Fru-Fru cried happily.
“Candy Mountain!” Lulu said. “With humans!”
Gandalf spied Merlin and Arthur. “Oh, you two. I should have guessed. As if having to look after these two nincompoops whilst Anhora suns himself in Barbados wasn’t annoying enough.”
Charlie made a disgruntled harrumphing noise.
“Hello, Charlie,” Gandalf said without any trace of annoyance. “Is the TV working all right?”
“Can you help us get to Candy Mountain?” Arthur asked with pained politeness. “We really would like to go. It is full of sweets. And joy.”
“And joyness,” Merlin added. “Apparently.”
Gandalf sighed. “There’s always something with you two, isn’t there? Fine. I told Anhora I’d keep an eye on these bloody unicorns so I suppose I’ll have to come with you.”
“Yaaay!” Fru-Fru and Lulu cheered and Merlin was sure they’d be clapping their hands if they had hands. “Candy Mountain.”
“Is it far?” Arthur asked.
“Yes,” Gandalf replied.
“Is it dangerous? Will there be monsters to fight?”
“You could try sounding a little less enthusiastic about dangers and monsters,” Merlin grumbled. “I’m getting a bit sick of having to save you all the time.”
“No, you’re not,” Arthur replied. “And I’ve done my fair share of saving you in case you hadn’t noticed.”
Gandalf cleared his throat. “Save the bickering for the bedroom, and by bedroom I mean some place far away where I can’t hear you. Now come on, let’s go.”
“Do I have to come?” Charlie asked hopefully.
“But Charlieeee!” protested Fru-Fru.
“You have to Charlieeee!” Lulu added.
“Yes,” said Gandalf firmly. “I’m not going to be the only sensible being on this trip.” With that, he stalked along an overgrown path into the trees whilst the rest of the group scurried behind him.
***
“Are we nearly there yet?” Arthur asked after twenty minutes.
“No,” Gandalf snapped.
They picked their way through a ferny meadow.
“How about now?” Arthur asked hopefully.
“No!” Gandalf shouted.
Arthur dropped back to walk alongside Merlin, who was at the back of the group and struggling a little with the large bag Arthur had insisted on bringing for the journey.
“What have you packed in here?” Merlin groaned as he shifted the weight onto his other shoulder. “It feels like half the kingdom.”
“It’s all essential supplies,” Arthur informed him. “And you need to build your strength up so it’ll do you some good.”
“What sort of supplies?” Merlin asked, getting a glint in his eye. “Bedroom supplies?”
“Is that all you think about, Merlin?” Arthur asked, sounding exasperated even though he was grinning. “Besides, I thought we couldn’t do that because of the…you know.”
Merlin blushed. “Oh, right.”
“I did bring this, though.” Arthur pulled Merlin to a halt and rummaged in the bag before pulling out the iPod. “Should make the trip a little more interesting.”
“OOOH!” Fru-Fru and Lulu gasped in wonder when they saw the device. “You have the magical box of wonder. We can use that to summon the Pombear.”
“The what?” Arthur asked.
“Really, don’t ask,” Charlie said. “You’re always better off if you don’t ask.”
“This is going to be a long trip,” Merlin muttered to himself. “I wonder if we’re nearly there.”
“NO!” yelled Gandalf, now several yards in front of the rest of the group glaring testily at them from the bank of a lagoon.
Gandalf stepped onto a rickety looking raft and urged everyone on board. “Come along, hurry up, we haven’t got all day.”
Fru-Fru and Lulu trotted merrily on board, with Charlie following reluctantly. Merlin and Arthur boarded the raft dubiously but when it held their weight with ease, they relaxed slightly. Gandalf pushed them away from the edge and they drifted across the lagoon.
“Splish, splish,” said Fru-Fru.
“Splishy splashy,” said Lulu.
“Splish, splash, splosh!”
“Splishy, splashy, sploshy!”
“SHUT UP!” Charlie roared finally, making everyone but the two other unicorns jump. “You know I hate the water, especially after last time.”
“Starfish loves you,” Lulu said sagely but then fell silent.
“Splish,” Fru-Fru added but luckily for all concerned they reached the other side of the lagoon before Charlie could commit foul and bloody murder.
“We’ll camp here for the night,” Gandalf said when they reached another small clearing. “No canoodling you two.”
Merlin and Arthur blinked innocently. “Us?”
“What if we need to share body heat to stay warm?” Merlin asked. “Can I snuggle with you instead?”
“We like snuggles,” Fru-Fru said. “They makes us feel warm and loved like little pixies.”
“No one is snuggling with anyone,” Gandalf insisted. “I’ll make a fire that will keep us all warm enough. Now shut up and go to sleep.”
“But we’re hungry,” Lulu whined.
“What do unicorns eat?” Arthur asked, feeling genuinely curious.
“Candy.” Fru-Fru said. “Candy Mountain!”
“Quiet!” Gandalf said. “It is time for bed. Or there will be no candy.”
Fru-Fru and Lulu stared at each other. “No candy!” they repeated and quickly curled up by the fire Gandalf had enchanted. Charlie moved as far away from the rest of the group as he could before settling down.
Merlin set down the heavy bag with a groan. “I hope you put two bedrolls in here,” he whispered to Arthur as he tugged the bag open.
“If I’ve forgotten anything, it’s your fault,” Arthur said. “It’s supposed to be your job to pack my bag.”
Luckily Arthur had included two bedrolls and blankets, so Merlin ignored the half-hearted jibe and set up their beds for the night as close together as he dared, with Gandalf glowering at them from the other side of the fire.
“Well, this hasn’t been very dangerous so far,” Arthur whispered to Merlin quietly.
“That’s not a bad thing,” Merlin pointed out.
Arthur didn’t reply and Merlin sighed. “Why are you so determined to risk your life over something as trivial as candy? Do you have any idea what it would do to me if anything happened to you?”
“Relax, Merlin. Nothing’s going to happen to me while you’re here. Besides, with Gandalf’s magic we’re bound to be safe.”
Merlin didn’t say anything for a moment. “Do you really trust magic enough to keep us alive?”
Arthur didn’t answer for several moments until Merlin was almost sure he’d fallen asleep. “Yes,” he said eventually. “I think so.”
Merlin didn’t know what to make of Arthur’s admission so he simply wriggled closer and snuggled into Arthur.
“What about Gandalf?” Arthur whispered.
“Sssh,” Merlin hushed with a grin and closed his eyes.
Arthur let out a sigh and snuggled back, drifting off to sleep.
* * *
“Aww! Snugglebugs!”
Merlin’s eyes snapped open and he found Fru-Fru’s face only a couple of inches from his own. He let out a startled yelp which caused Arthur to wake up
“Aww! Cuddle bunnies!”
Merlin twisted around to see Lulu staring just as close to Arthur.
“Oi!” Gandalf snapped. “What did I tell you about canoodling?”
Merlin ignored him and climbed out of his bedroll as Arthur did the same.
“I don’t suppose you can magic us up some breakfast,” Merlin asked Gandalf hopefully.
“You didn’t pack any food?” Arthur asked. “You really are hopeless.”
“I didn’t know it was going to take so long to get to the place,” Merlin said. “Besides, you were the one who packed the bag.”
“Do I have to do everything around here?” Gandalf grumbled and pushed two bowls of inedible looking gruel towards them. “That’s your lot for this morning. Eat it up.”
Arthur suppressed a grimace as he tucked into the disgusting looking food. Merlin ate with less disdain, used to almost indigestible peasant fare. Fru-Fru and Lulu trotted around the perimeter of the clearing making high pitched chirruping noises that Gandalf and Charlie tried, rather unsuccessfully, to ignore.
“Gandaaaalf!” Lulu tweeted.
“Charlieeee!” Fru-Fru twittered.
“Candy Mountain!” they sang in unison.
Gandalf grimaced and Charlie was back to looking like he was having murderous thoughts.
“How have you not killed these two?” Gandalf asked, sensing the tension coming in waves from Charlie.
“Anhora,” Charlie replied and Gandalf nodded in understanding.
“There really should be some rule that permits killing unicorns as annoying as those two.”
Charlie nodded.
“How far is Candy Mountain now?” Arthur asked, having passed most of his gruel over to Merlin to finish.
“We must cross the bridge of hope and wonder,” Fru-Fru said.
“Yeah, you’ll get splinters,” Charlie added.
Merlin shook his head. “Well, that sounds fun.”
“I’m still not sensing any danger,” Arthur commented.
“Splinters can be pretty nasty,” Merlin said.
“We must pass through the glade of the Nargles!” said Lulu.
“And summon the Pombear,” Fru-Fru added.
“Do these creatures even exist?” Arthur asked.
“I’ve learnt not ask,” Charlie said. “Whatever you do, don’t ask them about the Banana King.”
“What’s a banana?” Arthur asked excited. “Is it a dangerous beast?”
“Enough!” said Gandalf wearily. “Let’s go.”
“Let’s sing a song!” Fru-Fru suggested as they walked. “I know a good one.”
“No singing!” Gandalf snapped. “Do you want to alert every dangerous creature in the area to our whereabouts?!”
Merlin jabbed Arthur in the ribs when he saw the excited look in Arthur’s eyes.
“La la la la,” Fru-Fru sang tunelessly.
“La la la la,” Lulu joined in.
“Shh!” Gandalf hissed. “The glade of the Nargles is just ahead.”
“Can I kill them?” Arthur asked hopefully.
“You can try,” Gandalf replied darkly. “No mortal has faced a Nargle and lived.”
“Until today,” Arthur said grimly, and Merlin let out a despairing groan.
“Stop!” whispered Gandalf, flinging out an arm to hold back the rest of the group. “There’s one.” He gestured into the glade.
Merlin and Arthur peered anxiously under Gandalf’s arms to spy this dangerous beast.
“Where is it?” Arthur hissed.
“There. By the old oak tree.” Gandalf directed.
On the mossy bed at the foot of the gnarled tree was a small fluffy creature, no bigger than a rabbit, with large eyes that seemed too big for its head and tiny paws.
“That’s the dangerous beast?” Arthur snorted. “I’ve eaten bigger things for breakfast.”
“Arthur!” Merlin chastised.
“Come on, Merlin,” Arthur said, “I’d be more afraid if I had to battle you.” Ignoring the hissed warnings from everyone, he took a step forward into the glade.
The creature looked at him and let out a small whimper, its whole body quivering as Arthur stepped closer.
“It’s all right,” Arthur said gently, taking another step forward. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
The creature let out another little whimper and took a tentative step forward, sniffing the air in Arthur’s direction. It took another step when it seemed satisfied that Arthur’s scent was not that of something dangerous.
“See!” Arthur called over his shoulder. “It’s quite harmless.”
Then the creature lunged, letting out a bellowing roar that was much louder than its small body should have allowed. Arthur yelped as he saw several rows of razor sharp teeth in its mouth.
“Bloody hell! Run!”
Fru-Fru and Lulu let out scared squeaking noises as the group fell back quickly. Merlin lunged forwards to grab at Arthur’s arm, pulling him back into the relative safety of the trees. Gandalf was waving a large stick about and incanting strange words that even Merlin couldn’t understand.
The Nargle was still roaring and soon the glade was filling with more of the creatures, all tilting their heads back and shouting to the sky.
The Nargles stopped at the edge of the glade, hissing and spitting after the retreating group who continued to run until they were much deeper into the forest.
“You have angered the Nargles,” Fru-Fru said to Arthur.
“We must pass the glade to get to Candy Mountain,” Lulu said.
“Candy Mountain,” echoed Fru-Fru sadly.
“If you are serious in your quest, this can only be a temporary retreat,” Gandalf said.
Arthur was already rummaging through the bag on Merlin’s shoulder. “I was unprepared. Something a good knight should never be,” he said resolutely. “This time will be different. Merlin, help me into my chainmail.”
Gandalf and Charlie exchanged exasperated looks as Merlin reluctantly obeyed.
“Right,” said Arthur unsheathing his sword, “let’s go.”
“Do you have a death wish?” Gandalf finally asked as Arthur readied himself to charge back into the glade. “Because if you go back in there like that, you will live for approximately five seconds before dying a hideously painful death.”
Merlin caught hold of Arthur’s arm. “Arthur, you’re not going back there.”
“Well, we have to do something,” Arthur snapped. “We can’t just hide here forever.”
“Only the Banana King can defeat the Nargles,” Fru-Fru said. “He has the key.”
“I do?” Charlie asked. “I don’t have any keys.”
Arthur stared at Charlie and blinked. “You’re the Banana King?”
“It’s a long story,” Charlie sighed.
“Use the key, Charlie,” Lulu said, trotting in circles around them. “Save us all.”
“I already told you, I don’t have any keys.”
“What’s that?” Merlin asked, pointing. A chain had appeared around Charlie’s neck and something was attached to it.
“It’s the key!” Fru-Fru exclaimed.
“That’s a banana,” Gandalf corrected.
“If I have to stick it in my ear, I am going home,” Charlie said.
“How will that help us?” Arthur asked, but he sheathed his sword and stepped towards Charlie to examine the banana.
“You must use the key,” Lulu repeated.
“May I?” Arthur asked politely as he stretched a hand out towards the banana.
“Go ahead,” Charlie said. “I don’t suppose it will make any difference.”
As Arthur touched the banana, the chain snapped and the fruit grew to the size of a sword in Arthur’s hand.
“Now you can defeat the Nargles,” Fru-Fru proclaimed happily. “YAY!”
Arthur looked slightly perplexed at the giant fruit in his hand but he was not one to back down from a challenge, especially when it stopped him from getting to candy. He held the banana up and slowly made his way back towards the Nargles.
“Be careful,” Merlin whispered, close enough behind Arthur to pull him away if something went wrong.
All the Nargles had gathered at the edge of the glade and there had to be at least three dozen of them, all staring at them with a mixture of curiosity and what looked like hunger.
“What do I do now?” Arthur asked.
“I have no idea,” Charlie replied.
Arthur took a few steps closer, waving the banana tentatively in front of him. The Nargles merely blinked at him. “I don’t think it’s working,” he whispered.
“Throw the banana!” Fru-Fru said.
“Throw the banana, Arthur!” Lulu chimed.
Arthur paused. On the one hand, if throwing the banana worked they could all cross the glade in safety and be on their way to Candy Mountain. On the other hand, if it failed he’d be left weaponless and facing dozens of angry Nargles.
One of the Nargles growled.
Arthur threw the banana.
As it soared through the air the banana grew in size yet again so that by the time it landed it was roughly the size of a large tree. The Nargles pounced on it, making contented noises as they ate.
“We can go now,” Lulu said and they crossed through the glade without incident.
“Well,” Arthur announced happily. “That was an adventure.”
“You could try and sound a little less pleased that we were all just almost eaten,” Merlin sighed. He looked over at Gandalf who was looking most unimpressed with the whole encounter. “Please tell me we’re nearly there.”
“Now we must cross the bridge of hope and wonder,” Fru-Fru explained. “And then summon the Pombear. After that we will be at Candy Mountain.”
“Candy Mountain,” Lulu echoed happily.
“Well, the bridge of hope and wonder doesn’t sound too bad,” Merlin said.
He was wrong.
***
The bridge was rickety and very high up above a canyon. Far below them was a tumultuous river and menacing looking rocks.
Gandalf began to cross the bridge without any appearance of fear or anxiety. Fru-Fru and Lulu trotted behind, similarly unperturbed. Merlin and Charlie were more cautious and even Arthur was a little bit uncertain.
“Charlieeee!” called Fru-Fru.
“Charlieeee!” repeated Lulu.
“We’re on a bridge, Charlie,” Fru-Fru said. “A bridge of hope and wonder.”
“It’s a bit wobbly,” Arthur said as the bridge swayed in the wind.
Merlin put his hand out on the rail to steady himself. “Ow!”
“What is it?” Arthur asked, alarmed. He turned abruptly and grabbed at Merlin’s hand to inspect it.
“I think it’s a splinter,” said Merlin.
“Yeah, you’ve got to watch out for those,” Charlie said.
Arthur slipped Merlin’s finger into his mouth and attempted to suck out the sliver of wood.
“Do you really have to do that now?” Gandalf asked.
“It’s all right,” Merlin said to Arthur, even though he was unbelievably aroused by the way the prince was suckling his finger. “Maybe we should finish crossing the bridge first.”
They finished crossing without any more splinter incidents, and Arthur shot Merlin a look that said he would finish what they’d started as soon as they were alone together.
“Maybe we should set up camp,” Merlin suggested when he caught the look in Arthur’s eyes.
Gandalf sighed, apparently not oblivious to what ‘setting up camp’ really meant.
“Fine,” he sighed. “Just try not to make any noise, alright? The last thing we need is an infestation of Blublus.”
“I’m not even going to ask,” Arthur said to Merlin.
“Probably wise.”
***
When darkness fell, most of the group were asleep. Fru-Fru and Lulu curled up next to the fire. Charlie had ventured a little further away in search of some privacy and, presumably, some quiet out of earshot of the other unicorns who made strange singsong sighs in their sleep. Even Gandalf was snoring softly.
Merlin and Arthur were still awake and squeezed together in Merlin’s bedroll. Arthur had finally managed to remove the splinter from Merlin’s finger and was insisting on checking all Merlin’s other digits for errant shards of wood.
“Just in case,” Arthur explained before drawing Merlin’s hand near and wrapping his lips around a little finger.
Merlin moaned softly as Arthur’s tongue caressed his finger and his mouth slid up and down the digit.
“Oh, god, Arthur, that feels so good.”
“Will you shut up,” Gandalf grumbled, “some of us are trying to sleep.”
Merlin sighed. “I really can’t wait until we get home.”
Arthur pressed a soft kiss to Merlin’s palm. “I promise it will be worth it, and I promise I’ll give you as much candy as we can carry when we get to the mountain.”
“Well, that’s nice,” Merlin grumbled. “But I’m going to be the one who has to carry it.”
“Maybe we can ask one of the unicorns to carry it.”
“Not Charlie, though,” Merlin said. “I get the feeling he wouldn’t appreciate it.”
Arthur murmured an inaudible answer and wriggled closer to Merlin, tucking his feet in between Merlin’s calves.
“We should probably sleep now,” Merlin said reluctantly.
“Or…” Arthur whispered, “We could do something else.”
“I think Gandalf might set the Blublus on us.”
“Not that,” Arthur said. He rolled away and came back a few moments later with the iPod.
“Oh,” said Merlin.
“We could just listen to a couple,” Arthur suggested, pressing an earphone into his ear and holding the other out to Merlin. “And if my hand slips whilst we’re listening, it’s not really my fault, is it?” he said, sliding a hand under the hem of Merlin’s tunic to rest on his waist.
Merlin grinned and switched on the iPod. “I get to pick.”
He scrolled through the selection before he eventually settled on ‘Can’t Fight This Feeling’ by REO Speedwagon.
“Well, I was hoping for something a little more manly,” Arthur grinned as he snuggled down and rested his head on Merlin’s shoulder. “But this will do.”
They were both asleep before the first song had finished.
* * *
“Wake up, wake up,” Lulu trilled early the next morning. “We’re almost at Candy Mountain.”
“Yay! Candy Mountain!” Fru-Fru added.
“Oh, thank god this is almost over,” Charlie muttered, and Merlin had to agree with him.
“So, what do we do now?” Arthur asked as he brushed the sleep out of his eyes.
“We must go to the top of that biiiiiiiiig hill and summon the Pombear. He will show us the way.”
“And what exactly is a Pombear?” Merlin asked.
Neither Fru-Fru nor Lulu answered because they were too busy chanting “Pombear!” and doing cartwheels around the campfire.
“I didn’t know unicorns could do that,” said Arthur impressed.
“I get the feeling these aren’t ordinary unicorns,” Merlin said as he packed away their bedrolls and stowed the iPod safely in a pocket of the bag.
“Nooooo!” called Fru-Fru. “We need the magical box of wonder to summon the Pombear.”
“Pombearrrrrrr!” echoed Lulu.
Gandalf came over to Merlin irritably. “I am afraid they are right.” He looked sick as he said it. “But the iPod will be useful in the next stage of our journey.”
“Okay,” Merlin said, though he was reluctant to relinquish the device.
“Charlieeeee!” called Fru-Fru trotting amongst the trees. “Charlieeeee! Where are yooooou?”
“We’re going to Candy Mountain, Charlie!” called Lulu.
“Yeah,” Charlie said, poking his head out from behind a nearby tree. “I kind of like the one kidney I have so I think I’m just going to wait here.”
“Noooooooo,” Fru-Fru said, jumping over to where Charlie was hiding. “You have to come with us to Candy Mountain.”
“I will keep you safe,” Gandalf promised. “You’re not leaving me alone with these four. Now, come on.”
Charlie sighed and came out from behind his tree. “You’d better be right about this.”
They headed towards the hill, with Fru-Fru and Lulu singing happily as they walked. It was a lot steeper than it looked and by the time they reached the top, they were all panting for breath, except Fru-Fru and Lulu who looked like the trek had taken them no effort at all.
“Use the magical device,” Lulu said, galloping in circles around them. “Summon the Pombear.”
“Pombear,” Fru-Fru repeated happily. “Pommmmmbearrrrr.”
Merlin pulled out the iPod and looked at it. He had no idea what he was supposed to do now.
“Play the magical tune,” Fru-Fru prompted.
Merlin pressed play, hoping that something would happen. Fru-Fru and Lulu began chirruping and pawing at the ground with one hoof in a synchronised pattern and suddenly the air was filled with music from the iPod amplified and echoing and trilling “Bibbity-bobbity boo!”
Arthur blushed to hear such an unmanly song emanating from the device but Fru-Fru and Lulu seemed delighted and made strange squawking noises.
Then the ground began to tremble and a giant orangy-yellow bear lumbered into view.
“Pombear!” they squeed.
Arthur unsheathed his sword and pushed Merlin behind him.
The bear let out a series of low growling noises, which had Fru-Fru and Lulu nodding their heads excitedly.
“He has shown us the way!”
Arthur frowned. “But he didn’t say anything.”
“Just go along with it,” Charlie sighed. “It’s best for all of us if you do.”
Arthur shrugged and sheathed his sword. The bear growled one more time and then burst into flames. Arthur let out a startled yelp as the ends of his hair were singed.
“Yeah, that happens a lot,” Charlie said as Merlin stroked Arthur’s hair soothingly
“Follow us! Follow us!” Lulu and Fru-Fru said as they trotted back down the hill.
When they reached the place where they had been camping before they were surprised to see a giant mountain made of sweets sitting in its place.
“Huh,” Arthur said and left it at that.
“Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain!” Fru-Fru and Lulu said. “We’re here!”
“I thought that would take longer,” Merlin said, grateful that there were no more epic quests involving huge amounts of danger to answer.
“Now you must pay the toll,” Lulu said.
“One of you guys can give up your kidney this time,” Charlie grumbled.
Gandalf let out a long-suffering sigh. “No-one is required to give up any of their vital organs.”
“They’re not?” Charlie asked suspiciously. “That’s not what happened last time.”
Merlin set the heavy bag he’d been carrying on the ground and sat beside it wearily. He’d been exhausted since they’d left Camelot and just wanted Arthur to have his candy so they could go home and sleep. Possibly for weeks.
Arthur was overwhelmed. “Name this toll. I will pay.”
“Candy Mountain is a place of sweets and joy and joyness,” Fru-Fru said.
“We must leave something that gives us joy,” Lulu said.
Merlin gave Arthur an alarmed glance.
Arthur nodded gravely and stepped forward. With a dramatic flourish, he unsheathed his sword and laid it at the foot of the mountain.
“Yay!” Lulu and Fru-Fru pronounced happily as all different sorts of sweets rained down from the mountain
“Your sword brings you joy?” Gandalf asked.
Arthur shrugged. “I like to kill things.”
He scooped up a handful of candy and presented it to Merlin. “See, now wasn’t that worth the trip?”
Merlin eyed the candy doubtfully and then took a sweet from Arthur and popped it into his mouth. His eyes rolled with pleasure.
“Mmm…so worth it,” he moaned and Arthur smiled happily.
“Let’s load up the bag with as much as we can carry and then head home.”
“Home?” Lulu asked doubtfully. “But you can’t leave.”
“What? Why not?” Merlin demanded.
“No one can leave Candy Mountain once they find it,” Fru-Fru agreed. “Those are the rules.”
Even Gandalf looked a bit alarmed at this pronouncement and began muttering darkly about unicorns and disparaging the parentage of their keeper.
Arthur snorted. “I think you’re making the rules up as you go along.” He set off determinedly only to be thrown back by an invisible force after a couple of yards.
Merlin hauled Arthur up off the ground and dusted him off. “What do we do now?”
“I don’t know,” Arthur admitted, glaring at Fru-Fru and Lulu who were happily rolling in candy. “Are you sure I can’t shoot them?”
“I don’t see what harm it could do now,” Merlin said glumly but stopped Arthur when he started looking for his crossbow.
Suddenly, everything went dark.
* * *
Merlin let out a soft moan, aware of his aching head and very little else. It took him a few moments to open his eyes and he moaned again when the bright light of the sun made his headache worse. He lay there for a few moments until he realised he could hear strange noises. It sounded suspiciously like neighing and moaning. He sat up gingerly and found himself lying in front of Charlie’s TV where the Uniporn was still playing. Charlie was lying next to him, just showing signs of waking up himself.
“Arthur?” Merlin moaned, crawling to his feet and staggering to where Arthur lay on the other side of the clearing. He dropped down to his knees and shook him by the shoulder. “Arthur, wake up.”
“What happened?” Arthur groaned, batting Merlin’s hand away. “Are we dead?”
“No,” Charlie said, walking over to them. “And you should be grateful for the fact that your bodies are still intact.”
“How did we get back here?” Merlin asked. “And what happened to Candy Mountain?”
“You ask a lot of questions, don’t you?”
“I think that explains a few things,” Arthur said, gesturing across the clearing.
Dumbledore was sat on a log and watching them with an amused smile.
Merlin smiled back in greeting, relieved that it wasn’t Anhora.
“Had a good adventure?” Dumbledore asked.
Arthur nodded enthusiastically and began to regale him with tales of their exploits. Dumbledore listened attentively without interruption until Arthur trailed off and looked about him.
“Where’s Gandalf? And Fru-Fru and Lulu?”
“Gandalf’s taking a well earned rest,” Dumbledore explained. “And as for your other unicorn friends, I’m afraid I cannot say. They have a strong magic I know nothing about. But they are safe.”
“Pity,” Charlie muttered and Dumbledore chuckled.
“Are you feeling well rested now, young Merlin?” Dumbledore enquired politely. Merlin was surprised to find that he did and said so. “Excellent,” Dumbledore continued, “then I will escort you and young Pendragon back to Camelot. Take my arm.” He extended his arm.
Merlin took Dumbledore’s arm and Arthur took Merlin’s. A dizzying moment later and they were back in Camelot.
“It’s a good thing my father wasn’t around to see this,” Arthur said when his stomach had recovered from the journey. “He’d have your head if he’d seen you doing magic right under his nose.”
Dumbledore shot Arthur a look that made him think possibly it wasn’t coincidence that there had been no one around to witness their arrival.
“There you go,” Dumbledore announced. “Safe and sound back at home.”
“And we’ve got a bag full of candy,” Arthur beamed happily. “All in all, I’d say things couldn’t have gone better.”
“Oh, that reminds me,” Dumbledore said and rummaged around in his robes before presenting Merlin with a small bottle. “This should help with the rash.”
Merlin’s face flushed a deep shade of red and he took the bottle with a muttered thanks.
If it was possible, Arthur’s smile widened as he caught Merlin’s arm and dragged him off towards his bedroom.
“Thank you,” he called over his shoulder.
Dumbledore chuckled and shook his head before glancing at his watch. “Ah, almost time for poker.”
The End.
Author: lou_angel and hils
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Merlin
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur
Words: 6340
Summary: Part of the Epic Tales series. It's highly recommended you watch this, this and this before you read the fic or it will make even less sense than usual ;)
Thanks to Rizzy for the beta work
Being Gaius’s dogsbody didn’t come with much in the way of perks; the only one Merlin could think of was access to his books, which was handy when it came to embarrassing situations like this one.
“I don’t see why you can’t just ask Gaius,” Arthur said as he peered over his shoulder.
“Would you want to ask him?” Merlin shot back.
“Well, no, but I’m the prince. It’s your job to ask him.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” Merlin retorted, “if I ask, Gaius will want to examine me and I’m not letting him go anywhere near there!”
“Oh Merlin, it’s just a rash,” said Arthur.
“It’s that ridiculous oil you keep insisting on using,” Merlin said wriggling uncomfortably on his chair.
“It smells nice,” Arthur said defensively.
Merlin flicked through the pages of the book, hoping desperately to find an alternative oil that they could use. If they couldn’t, then things were going to get very…dull for both of them.
“Hey, what’s that?” Arthur asked, stopping Merlin’s hand on one of the pages.
“Uh, not oil,” Merlin pointed out.
Arthur leant over Merlin’s shoulder to get a better look at the page. “Candy Mountain,” he said. “Sounds fun.”
Merlin scanned the page quickly and looked at the picture of a giant pink mountain. “It’s full of sweet things Arthur, but nothing that can help us with our problem.”
“I like sweet things,” Arthur said with a wide smile. “Let’s go!”
Merlin finished reading the page. “It’s a dangerous journey,” he warned.
Arthur’s smile got even bigger. “Come on Merlin, it’ll be fun. Just you and me. Like it used to be.”
Merlin refrained from pointing out that just because Arthur chose to ignore the small army of knights and various servants that usually accompanied them on any journey they made, did not mean they were alone.
“It says that Candy Mountain is an ideal place for couples.” Arthur continued. “We’re a couple, aren’t we Merlin?”
“Well, yes.” Merlin blushed because he still hadn’t really got used to the idea despite the epic amounts of amazing sex they’d been having, and the fact that Uther had more or less planned their wedding.
“Excellent! We shall leave at first light then. Make sure my horse is saddled and polish my sword.”
“You know, considering we’re a couple you still boss me around a lot,” Merlin pointed out.
“I can’t help that. It’s my job,” Arthur retorted but Merlin’s eyes were back on the page.
“Oh. It says here that only a unicorn can guide the way to Candy Mountain.”
“Crap.”
“Oh well, never mind,” Merlin said brightly. “There’ll be other quests.”
Arthur looked crestfallen and Merlin momentarily felt like he’d stolen a present from a small child.
“We could ask Anhora,” Arthur suggested.
“I don’t think so,” Merlin said.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t trust him,” Merlin said simply. “And I’d end up having to save you from almost certain death. Again.”
“Don’t be such a girl, Merlin.”
“I’m a girl?” Merlin laughed incredulously. “You’re the one that wants to go to a giant pink mountain full of sweets.”
“Shut up, Merlin.” Arthur pouted and turned away, arms folded.
Merlin sighed and turned his attention back to the book.
“Well,” Arthur announced, “you can stay here if you like. I’m going into the forest tomorrow to look for Anhora.”
Merlin sighed again. “Oh, fine, I’ll come with you. Just try not to kill any unicorns this time, okay?”
“I’m not a complete imbecile. I learned my lesson last time.”
Merlin muttered under his breath about how miracles could really be achieved and slammed the book shut. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, he could feel it.
* * *
“Oh dear, he doesn’t seem to be here. Let’s go back to the castle,” Merlin said after an hour and a half of trampling through dense forest undergrowth.
Arthur glowered and flung himself down onto a log in a sulk. “I want to go to Candy Mountain.”
Merlin sat beside him. “Perhaps Candy Mountain wasn’t meant to be found.”
“Then why was it in a book?” Arthur asked petulantly, “With directions?”
“Well…uh…maybe…”
Merlin was saved from having to find another excuse by the random and unexpected appearance of two unicorns.
“Candy Mountain!” The pink one exclaimed gleefully. “It’s a land of sweets and joy and joyness.”
The other one nodded its head excitedly in agreement.
“Can you take us there?” Arthur asked hopefully, his eyes shining at the thought of all the sweets and joy.
“We cannot take you alone,” the purple unicorn said.
“What if Anhora comes with us?” Arthur asked eagerly.
“You know the keeper?” the pink unicorn asked delightedly.
“Keeeeeeper!” the purple unicorn echoed in a singsong voice. “Keeeeeeper!”
“Yes, we have met Anhora,” Merlin said abruptly and then, under his breath, “Unfortunately.”
“You’re like a constant downer, huh?” said the pink unicorn with an unexpected sharpness.
“Shush Merlin,” said Arthur, “or we will never get to Candy Mountain.”
“Candy Mountain!” the purple unicorn chanted, happily distracted.
“Come, come,” they said in unison, before starting to trot through the woods with Merlin and Arthur following behind.
“I didn’t know unicorns could talk,” Arthur said as they walked. “What are your names?”
“Fru-Fru and Lulu,” they said together, leaving Arthur totally confused as to which one was which. “We’re going to Candy Mountain.”
The unicorns began to slow down as they neared a clearing.
“Through there,” the pink one said.
“Go, tell of the quest to Candy Mountain!” the purple unicorn said.
“Candy Mountain!”
They pushed Merlin and Arthur into the clearing.
A larger, white, unicorn was lying on the grass staring at a screen on which various unicorns cavorted athletically in mind-boggling positions.
Arthur cleared his throat loudly and the unicorn looked up guiltily as the title “Uniporn” filled the screen.
“Hello,” Arthur said. “I am Prince Arthur of Camelot. What is your name?”
The unicorn frowned at Merlin and Arthur as if suspecting some kind of hoax until it eventually replied. “Charlie.”
Arthur blinked. “Charlie.”
“Yes. Charlie. You got a problem with that?”
Arthur shrugged. “It’s not a very unicorny name, is it?”
Charlie raised an eyebrow, or where an eyebrow would have been if unicorns had them. “And how many unicorns do you know exactly?”
“Well, two at the moment,” Arthur replied. “Three including you, but that’s not why I’m here. We want to go to Candy Mountain and we’ve heard you’re the…uh…horse to talk to about it.”
Charlie snorted.
“If not, we can go,” said Merlin, “and leave you to your…entertainment.”
Charlie did not look amused.
“I would like to go to Candy Mountain,” Arthur said firmly, “if you would help. It is a land of sweets and joy.”
“And joyness!” trilled Fru-Fru and Lulu as they trotted out from beneath the trees into the clearing.
“Oh,” said Charlie. “You two.”
“Charlie!” said the pink unicorn with glee. “Candy Mountain, Charlie!”
“Charlieeee!” repeated the purple unicorn. “Take us to Candy Mountain, Charlie.”
“No,” said Charlie. “I like my kidney. And there is danger. Much danger.”
“Kidney?” Merlin asked, disliking the idea of Candy Mountain more with everything he heard about it. “And what sort of danger?”
“I’m watching my TV,” said Charlie dismissively. “Go away.”
“But Charlie!” the pink unicorn cried.
“Charlieeeee!” said the purple unicorn.
“Come on Charlie!”
“Charlieeeeee!” whined the purple unicorn. “Charlieeeeee!”
“Candy Mountain!”
“Charlieeeeee!”
“Oh all right,” Charlie said grumpily. “Fine. We’ll go to Candy Mountain.”
Fru-Fru and Lulu pranced about happily and Arthur looked very much like he would do the same if such a thing were not so undignified.
Merlin and Charlie looked less than thrilled.
“Now we must find the guide,” Fru-Fru said. “He will show us the way.”
“I thought Charlie was the guide.”
“No, silly,” Lulu tutted. “Charlie is the way.”
“What? That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Yeah, you’ll get used to that,” Charlie grumbled.
The unicorns came to a halt in a small clearing. “Now we must summon the guide.”
“Oh, this should be good,” Charlie muttered.
Fru-Fru and Lulu trotted around in a circle sticking their tongues out at each other and making bizarre chirping noises.
“Oh, what do you two want?”
“Gandalf! Gandaaaaaalf!”
The familiar grumpy wizard had appeared in the clearing and was glaring at the brightly coloured unicorns.
“No,” said Merlin resolutely. “No way.”
Even Arthur didn’t look that happy to see Gandalf. He always seemed to get the brunt of the wizard’s sarcasm and he didn’t like it at all.
“We’re going to Candy Mountain, Gandalf!” Fru-Fru cried happily.
“Candy Mountain!” Lulu said. “With humans!”
Gandalf spied Merlin and Arthur. “Oh, you two. I should have guessed. As if having to look after these two nincompoops whilst Anhora suns himself in Barbados wasn’t annoying enough.”
Charlie made a disgruntled harrumphing noise.
“Hello, Charlie,” Gandalf said without any trace of annoyance. “Is the TV working all right?”
“Can you help us get to Candy Mountain?” Arthur asked with pained politeness. “We really would like to go. It is full of sweets. And joy.”
“And joyness,” Merlin added. “Apparently.”
Gandalf sighed. “There’s always something with you two, isn’t there? Fine. I told Anhora I’d keep an eye on these bloody unicorns so I suppose I’ll have to come with you.”
“Yaaay!” Fru-Fru and Lulu cheered and Merlin was sure they’d be clapping their hands if they had hands. “Candy Mountain.”
“Is it far?” Arthur asked.
“Yes,” Gandalf replied.
“Is it dangerous? Will there be monsters to fight?”
“You could try sounding a little less enthusiastic about dangers and monsters,” Merlin grumbled. “I’m getting a bit sick of having to save you all the time.”
“No, you’re not,” Arthur replied. “And I’ve done my fair share of saving you in case you hadn’t noticed.”
Gandalf cleared his throat. “Save the bickering for the bedroom, and by bedroom I mean some place far away where I can’t hear you. Now come on, let’s go.”
“Do I have to come?” Charlie asked hopefully.
“But Charlieeee!” protested Fru-Fru.
“You have to Charlieeee!” Lulu added.
“Yes,” said Gandalf firmly. “I’m not going to be the only sensible being on this trip.” With that, he stalked along an overgrown path into the trees whilst the rest of the group scurried behind him.
***
“Are we nearly there yet?” Arthur asked after twenty minutes.
“No,” Gandalf snapped.
They picked their way through a ferny meadow.
“How about now?” Arthur asked hopefully.
“No!” Gandalf shouted.
Arthur dropped back to walk alongside Merlin, who was at the back of the group and struggling a little with the large bag Arthur had insisted on bringing for the journey.
“What have you packed in here?” Merlin groaned as he shifted the weight onto his other shoulder. “It feels like half the kingdom.”
“It’s all essential supplies,” Arthur informed him. “And you need to build your strength up so it’ll do you some good.”
“What sort of supplies?” Merlin asked, getting a glint in his eye. “Bedroom supplies?”
“Is that all you think about, Merlin?” Arthur asked, sounding exasperated even though he was grinning. “Besides, I thought we couldn’t do that because of the…you know.”
Merlin blushed. “Oh, right.”
“I did bring this, though.” Arthur pulled Merlin to a halt and rummaged in the bag before pulling out the iPod. “Should make the trip a little more interesting.”
“OOOH!” Fru-Fru and Lulu gasped in wonder when they saw the device. “You have the magical box of wonder. We can use that to summon the Pombear.”
“The what?” Arthur asked.
“Really, don’t ask,” Charlie said. “You’re always better off if you don’t ask.”
“This is going to be a long trip,” Merlin muttered to himself. “I wonder if we’re nearly there.”
“NO!” yelled Gandalf, now several yards in front of the rest of the group glaring testily at them from the bank of a lagoon.
Gandalf stepped onto a rickety looking raft and urged everyone on board. “Come along, hurry up, we haven’t got all day.”
Fru-Fru and Lulu trotted merrily on board, with Charlie following reluctantly. Merlin and Arthur boarded the raft dubiously but when it held their weight with ease, they relaxed slightly. Gandalf pushed them away from the edge and they drifted across the lagoon.
“Splish, splish,” said Fru-Fru.
“Splishy splashy,” said Lulu.
“Splish, splash, splosh!”
“Splishy, splashy, sploshy!”
“SHUT UP!” Charlie roared finally, making everyone but the two other unicorns jump. “You know I hate the water, especially after last time.”
“Starfish loves you,” Lulu said sagely but then fell silent.
“Splish,” Fru-Fru added but luckily for all concerned they reached the other side of the lagoon before Charlie could commit foul and bloody murder.
“We’ll camp here for the night,” Gandalf said when they reached another small clearing. “No canoodling you two.”
Merlin and Arthur blinked innocently. “Us?”
“What if we need to share body heat to stay warm?” Merlin asked. “Can I snuggle with you instead?”
“We like snuggles,” Fru-Fru said. “They makes us feel warm and loved like little pixies.”
“No one is snuggling with anyone,” Gandalf insisted. “I’ll make a fire that will keep us all warm enough. Now shut up and go to sleep.”
“But we’re hungry,” Lulu whined.
“What do unicorns eat?” Arthur asked, feeling genuinely curious.
“Candy.” Fru-Fru said. “Candy Mountain!”
“Quiet!” Gandalf said. “It is time for bed. Or there will be no candy.”
Fru-Fru and Lulu stared at each other. “No candy!” they repeated and quickly curled up by the fire Gandalf had enchanted. Charlie moved as far away from the rest of the group as he could before settling down.
Merlin set down the heavy bag with a groan. “I hope you put two bedrolls in here,” he whispered to Arthur as he tugged the bag open.
“If I’ve forgotten anything, it’s your fault,” Arthur said. “It’s supposed to be your job to pack my bag.”
Luckily Arthur had included two bedrolls and blankets, so Merlin ignored the half-hearted jibe and set up their beds for the night as close together as he dared, with Gandalf glowering at them from the other side of the fire.
“Well, this hasn’t been very dangerous so far,” Arthur whispered to Merlin quietly.
“That’s not a bad thing,” Merlin pointed out.
Arthur didn’t reply and Merlin sighed. “Why are you so determined to risk your life over something as trivial as candy? Do you have any idea what it would do to me if anything happened to you?”
“Relax, Merlin. Nothing’s going to happen to me while you’re here. Besides, with Gandalf’s magic we’re bound to be safe.”
Merlin didn’t say anything for a moment. “Do you really trust magic enough to keep us alive?”
Arthur didn’t answer for several moments until Merlin was almost sure he’d fallen asleep. “Yes,” he said eventually. “I think so.”
Merlin didn’t know what to make of Arthur’s admission so he simply wriggled closer and snuggled into Arthur.
“What about Gandalf?” Arthur whispered.
“Sssh,” Merlin hushed with a grin and closed his eyes.
Arthur let out a sigh and snuggled back, drifting off to sleep.
* * *
“Aww! Snugglebugs!”
Merlin’s eyes snapped open and he found Fru-Fru’s face only a couple of inches from his own. He let out a startled yelp which caused Arthur to wake up
“Aww! Cuddle bunnies!”
Merlin twisted around to see Lulu staring just as close to Arthur.
“Oi!” Gandalf snapped. “What did I tell you about canoodling?”
Merlin ignored him and climbed out of his bedroll as Arthur did the same.
“I don’t suppose you can magic us up some breakfast,” Merlin asked Gandalf hopefully.
“You didn’t pack any food?” Arthur asked. “You really are hopeless.”
“I didn’t know it was going to take so long to get to the place,” Merlin said. “Besides, you were the one who packed the bag.”
“Do I have to do everything around here?” Gandalf grumbled and pushed two bowls of inedible looking gruel towards them. “That’s your lot for this morning. Eat it up.”
Arthur suppressed a grimace as he tucked into the disgusting looking food. Merlin ate with less disdain, used to almost indigestible peasant fare. Fru-Fru and Lulu trotted around the perimeter of the clearing making high pitched chirruping noises that Gandalf and Charlie tried, rather unsuccessfully, to ignore.
“Gandaaaalf!” Lulu tweeted.
“Charlieeee!” Fru-Fru twittered.
“Candy Mountain!” they sang in unison.
Gandalf grimaced and Charlie was back to looking like he was having murderous thoughts.
“How have you not killed these two?” Gandalf asked, sensing the tension coming in waves from Charlie.
“Anhora,” Charlie replied and Gandalf nodded in understanding.
“There really should be some rule that permits killing unicorns as annoying as those two.”
Charlie nodded.
“How far is Candy Mountain now?” Arthur asked, having passed most of his gruel over to Merlin to finish.
“We must cross the bridge of hope and wonder,” Fru-Fru said.
“Yeah, you’ll get splinters,” Charlie added.
Merlin shook his head. “Well, that sounds fun.”
“I’m still not sensing any danger,” Arthur commented.
“Splinters can be pretty nasty,” Merlin said.
“We must pass through the glade of the Nargles!” said Lulu.
“And summon the Pombear,” Fru-Fru added.
“Do these creatures even exist?” Arthur asked.
“I’ve learnt not ask,” Charlie said. “Whatever you do, don’t ask them about the Banana King.”
“What’s a banana?” Arthur asked excited. “Is it a dangerous beast?”
“Enough!” said Gandalf wearily. “Let’s go.”
“Let’s sing a song!” Fru-Fru suggested as they walked. “I know a good one.”
“No singing!” Gandalf snapped. “Do you want to alert every dangerous creature in the area to our whereabouts?!”
Merlin jabbed Arthur in the ribs when he saw the excited look in Arthur’s eyes.
“La la la la,” Fru-Fru sang tunelessly.
“La la la la,” Lulu joined in.
“Shh!” Gandalf hissed. “The glade of the Nargles is just ahead.”
“Can I kill them?” Arthur asked hopefully.
“You can try,” Gandalf replied darkly. “No mortal has faced a Nargle and lived.”
“Until today,” Arthur said grimly, and Merlin let out a despairing groan.
“Stop!” whispered Gandalf, flinging out an arm to hold back the rest of the group. “There’s one.” He gestured into the glade.
Merlin and Arthur peered anxiously under Gandalf’s arms to spy this dangerous beast.
“Where is it?” Arthur hissed.
“There. By the old oak tree.” Gandalf directed.
On the mossy bed at the foot of the gnarled tree was a small fluffy creature, no bigger than a rabbit, with large eyes that seemed too big for its head and tiny paws.
“That’s the dangerous beast?” Arthur snorted. “I’ve eaten bigger things for breakfast.”
“Arthur!” Merlin chastised.
“Come on, Merlin,” Arthur said, “I’d be more afraid if I had to battle you.” Ignoring the hissed warnings from everyone, he took a step forward into the glade.
The creature looked at him and let out a small whimper, its whole body quivering as Arthur stepped closer.
“It’s all right,” Arthur said gently, taking another step forward. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
The creature let out another little whimper and took a tentative step forward, sniffing the air in Arthur’s direction. It took another step when it seemed satisfied that Arthur’s scent was not that of something dangerous.
“See!” Arthur called over his shoulder. “It’s quite harmless.”
Then the creature lunged, letting out a bellowing roar that was much louder than its small body should have allowed. Arthur yelped as he saw several rows of razor sharp teeth in its mouth.
“Bloody hell! Run!”
Fru-Fru and Lulu let out scared squeaking noises as the group fell back quickly. Merlin lunged forwards to grab at Arthur’s arm, pulling him back into the relative safety of the trees. Gandalf was waving a large stick about and incanting strange words that even Merlin couldn’t understand.
The Nargle was still roaring and soon the glade was filling with more of the creatures, all tilting their heads back and shouting to the sky.
The Nargles stopped at the edge of the glade, hissing and spitting after the retreating group who continued to run until they were much deeper into the forest.
“You have angered the Nargles,” Fru-Fru said to Arthur.
“We must pass the glade to get to Candy Mountain,” Lulu said.
“Candy Mountain,” echoed Fru-Fru sadly.
“If you are serious in your quest, this can only be a temporary retreat,” Gandalf said.
Arthur was already rummaging through the bag on Merlin’s shoulder. “I was unprepared. Something a good knight should never be,” he said resolutely. “This time will be different. Merlin, help me into my chainmail.”
Gandalf and Charlie exchanged exasperated looks as Merlin reluctantly obeyed.
“Right,” said Arthur unsheathing his sword, “let’s go.”
“Do you have a death wish?” Gandalf finally asked as Arthur readied himself to charge back into the glade. “Because if you go back in there like that, you will live for approximately five seconds before dying a hideously painful death.”
Merlin caught hold of Arthur’s arm. “Arthur, you’re not going back there.”
“Well, we have to do something,” Arthur snapped. “We can’t just hide here forever.”
“Only the Banana King can defeat the Nargles,” Fru-Fru said. “He has the key.”
“I do?” Charlie asked. “I don’t have any keys.”
Arthur stared at Charlie and blinked. “You’re the Banana King?”
“It’s a long story,” Charlie sighed.
“Use the key, Charlie,” Lulu said, trotting in circles around them. “Save us all.”
“I already told you, I don’t have any keys.”
“What’s that?” Merlin asked, pointing. A chain had appeared around Charlie’s neck and something was attached to it.
“It’s the key!” Fru-Fru exclaimed.
“That’s a banana,” Gandalf corrected.
“If I have to stick it in my ear, I am going home,” Charlie said.
“How will that help us?” Arthur asked, but he sheathed his sword and stepped towards Charlie to examine the banana.
“You must use the key,” Lulu repeated.
“May I?” Arthur asked politely as he stretched a hand out towards the banana.
“Go ahead,” Charlie said. “I don’t suppose it will make any difference.”
As Arthur touched the banana, the chain snapped and the fruit grew to the size of a sword in Arthur’s hand.
“Now you can defeat the Nargles,” Fru-Fru proclaimed happily. “YAY!”
Arthur looked slightly perplexed at the giant fruit in his hand but he was not one to back down from a challenge, especially when it stopped him from getting to candy. He held the banana up and slowly made his way back towards the Nargles.
“Be careful,” Merlin whispered, close enough behind Arthur to pull him away if something went wrong.
All the Nargles had gathered at the edge of the glade and there had to be at least three dozen of them, all staring at them with a mixture of curiosity and what looked like hunger.
“What do I do now?” Arthur asked.
“I have no idea,” Charlie replied.
Arthur took a few steps closer, waving the banana tentatively in front of him. The Nargles merely blinked at him. “I don’t think it’s working,” he whispered.
“Throw the banana!” Fru-Fru said.
“Throw the banana, Arthur!” Lulu chimed.
Arthur paused. On the one hand, if throwing the banana worked they could all cross the glade in safety and be on their way to Candy Mountain. On the other hand, if it failed he’d be left weaponless and facing dozens of angry Nargles.
One of the Nargles growled.
Arthur threw the banana.
As it soared through the air the banana grew in size yet again so that by the time it landed it was roughly the size of a large tree. The Nargles pounced on it, making contented noises as they ate.
“We can go now,” Lulu said and they crossed through the glade without incident.
“Well,” Arthur announced happily. “That was an adventure.”
“You could try and sound a little less pleased that we were all just almost eaten,” Merlin sighed. He looked over at Gandalf who was looking most unimpressed with the whole encounter. “Please tell me we’re nearly there.”
“Now we must cross the bridge of hope and wonder,” Fru-Fru explained. “And then summon the Pombear. After that we will be at Candy Mountain.”
“Candy Mountain,” Lulu echoed happily.
“Well, the bridge of hope and wonder doesn’t sound too bad,” Merlin said.
He was wrong.
***
The bridge was rickety and very high up above a canyon. Far below them was a tumultuous river and menacing looking rocks.
Gandalf began to cross the bridge without any appearance of fear or anxiety. Fru-Fru and Lulu trotted behind, similarly unperturbed. Merlin and Charlie were more cautious and even Arthur was a little bit uncertain.
“Charlieeee!” called Fru-Fru.
“Charlieeee!” repeated Lulu.
“We’re on a bridge, Charlie,” Fru-Fru said. “A bridge of hope and wonder.”
“It’s a bit wobbly,” Arthur said as the bridge swayed in the wind.
Merlin put his hand out on the rail to steady himself. “Ow!”
“What is it?” Arthur asked, alarmed. He turned abruptly and grabbed at Merlin’s hand to inspect it.
“I think it’s a splinter,” said Merlin.
“Yeah, you’ve got to watch out for those,” Charlie said.
Arthur slipped Merlin’s finger into his mouth and attempted to suck out the sliver of wood.
“Do you really have to do that now?” Gandalf asked.
“It’s all right,” Merlin said to Arthur, even though he was unbelievably aroused by the way the prince was suckling his finger. “Maybe we should finish crossing the bridge first.”
They finished crossing without any more splinter incidents, and Arthur shot Merlin a look that said he would finish what they’d started as soon as they were alone together.
“Maybe we should set up camp,” Merlin suggested when he caught the look in Arthur’s eyes.
Gandalf sighed, apparently not oblivious to what ‘setting up camp’ really meant.
“Fine,” he sighed. “Just try not to make any noise, alright? The last thing we need is an infestation of Blublus.”
“I’m not even going to ask,” Arthur said to Merlin.
“Probably wise.”
***
When darkness fell, most of the group were asleep. Fru-Fru and Lulu curled up next to the fire. Charlie had ventured a little further away in search of some privacy and, presumably, some quiet out of earshot of the other unicorns who made strange singsong sighs in their sleep. Even Gandalf was snoring softly.
Merlin and Arthur were still awake and squeezed together in Merlin’s bedroll. Arthur had finally managed to remove the splinter from Merlin’s finger and was insisting on checking all Merlin’s other digits for errant shards of wood.
“Just in case,” Arthur explained before drawing Merlin’s hand near and wrapping his lips around a little finger.
Merlin moaned softly as Arthur’s tongue caressed his finger and his mouth slid up and down the digit.
“Oh, god, Arthur, that feels so good.”
“Will you shut up,” Gandalf grumbled, “some of us are trying to sleep.”
Merlin sighed. “I really can’t wait until we get home.”
Arthur pressed a soft kiss to Merlin’s palm. “I promise it will be worth it, and I promise I’ll give you as much candy as we can carry when we get to the mountain.”
“Well, that’s nice,” Merlin grumbled. “But I’m going to be the one who has to carry it.”
“Maybe we can ask one of the unicorns to carry it.”
“Not Charlie, though,” Merlin said. “I get the feeling he wouldn’t appreciate it.”
Arthur murmured an inaudible answer and wriggled closer to Merlin, tucking his feet in between Merlin’s calves.
“We should probably sleep now,” Merlin said reluctantly.
“Or…” Arthur whispered, “We could do something else.”
“I think Gandalf might set the Blublus on us.”
“Not that,” Arthur said. He rolled away and came back a few moments later with the iPod.
“Oh,” said Merlin.
“We could just listen to a couple,” Arthur suggested, pressing an earphone into his ear and holding the other out to Merlin. “And if my hand slips whilst we’re listening, it’s not really my fault, is it?” he said, sliding a hand under the hem of Merlin’s tunic to rest on his waist.
Merlin grinned and switched on the iPod. “I get to pick.”
He scrolled through the selection before he eventually settled on ‘Can’t Fight This Feeling’ by REO Speedwagon.
“Well, I was hoping for something a little more manly,” Arthur grinned as he snuggled down and rested his head on Merlin’s shoulder. “But this will do.”
They were both asleep before the first song had finished.
* * *
“Wake up, wake up,” Lulu trilled early the next morning. “We’re almost at Candy Mountain.”
“Yay! Candy Mountain!” Fru-Fru added.
“Oh, thank god this is almost over,” Charlie muttered, and Merlin had to agree with him.
“So, what do we do now?” Arthur asked as he brushed the sleep out of his eyes.
“We must go to the top of that biiiiiiiiig hill and summon the Pombear. He will show us the way.”
“And what exactly is a Pombear?” Merlin asked.
Neither Fru-Fru nor Lulu answered because they were too busy chanting “Pombear!” and doing cartwheels around the campfire.
“I didn’t know unicorns could do that,” said Arthur impressed.
“I get the feeling these aren’t ordinary unicorns,” Merlin said as he packed away their bedrolls and stowed the iPod safely in a pocket of the bag.
“Nooooo!” called Fru-Fru. “We need the magical box of wonder to summon the Pombear.”
“Pombearrrrrrr!” echoed Lulu.
Gandalf came over to Merlin irritably. “I am afraid they are right.” He looked sick as he said it. “But the iPod will be useful in the next stage of our journey.”
“Okay,” Merlin said, though he was reluctant to relinquish the device.
“Charlieeeee!” called Fru-Fru trotting amongst the trees. “Charlieeeee! Where are yooooou?”
“We’re going to Candy Mountain, Charlie!” called Lulu.
“Yeah,” Charlie said, poking his head out from behind a nearby tree. “I kind of like the one kidney I have so I think I’m just going to wait here.”
“Noooooooo,” Fru-Fru said, jumping over to where Charlie was hiding. “You have to come with us to Candy Mountain.”
“I will keep you safe,” Gandalf promised. “You’re not leaving me alone with these four. Now, come on.”
Charlie sighed and came out from behind his tree. “You’d better be right about this.”
They headed towards the hill, with Fru-Fru and Lulu singing happily as they walked. It was a lot steeper than it looked and by the time they reached the top, they were all panting for breath, except Fru-Fru and Lulu who looked like the trek had taken them no effort at all.
“Use the magical device,” Lulu said, galloping in circles around them. “Summon the Pombear.”
“Pombear,” Fru-Fru repeated happily. “Pommmmmbearrrrr.”
Merlin pulled out the iPod and looked at it. He had no idea what he was supposed to do now.
“Play the magical tune,” Fru-Fru prompted.
Merlin pressed play, hoping that something would happen. Fru-Fru and Lulu began chirruping and pawing at the ground with one hoof in a synchronised pattern and suddenly the air was filled with music from the iPod amplified and echoing and trilling “Bibbity-bobbity boo!”
Arthur blushed to hear such an unmanly song emanating from the device but Fru-Fru and Lulu seemed delighted and made strange squawking noises.
Then the ground began to tremble and a giant orangy-yellow bear lumbered into view.
“Pombear!” they squeed.
Arthur unsheathed his sword and pushed Merlin behind him.
The bear let out a series of low growling noises, which had Fru-Fru and Lulu nodding their heads excitedly.
“He has shown us the way!”
Arthur frowned. “But he didn’t say anything.”
“Just go along with it,” Charlie sighed. “It’s best for all of us if you do.”
Arthur shrugged and sheathed his sword. The bear growled one more time and then burst into flames. Arthur let out a startled yelp as the ends of his hair were singed.
“Yeah, that happens a lot,” Charlie said as Merlin stroked Arthur’s hair soothingly
“Follow us! Follow us!” Lulu and Fru-Fru said as they trotted back down the hill.
When they reached the place where they had been camping before they were surprised to see a giant mountain made of sweets sitting in its place.
“Huh,” Arthur said and left it at that.
“Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain!” Fru-Fru and Lulu said. “We’re here!”
“I thought that would take longer,” Merlin said, grateful that there were no more epic quests involving huge amounts of danger to answer.
“Now you must pay the toll,” Lulu said.
“One of you guys can give up your kidney this time,” Charlie grumbled.
Gandalf let out a long-suffering sigh. “No-one is required to give up any of their vital organs.”
“They’re not?” Charlie asked suspiciously. “That’s not what happened last time.”
Merlin set the heavy bag he’d been carrying on the ground and sat beside it wearily. He’d been exhausted since they’d left Camelot and just wanted Arthur to have his candy so they could go home and sleep. Possibly for weeks.
Arthur was overwhelmed. “Name this toll. I will pay.”
“Candy Mountain is a place of sweets and joy and joyness,” Fru-Fru said.
“We must leave something that gives us joy,” Lulu said.
Merlin gave Arthur an alarmed glance.
Arthur nodded gravely and stepped forward. With a dramatic flourish, he unsheathed his sword and laid it at the foot of the mountain.
“Yay!” Lulu and Fru-Fru pronounced happily as all different sorts of sweets rained down from the mountain
“Your sword brings you joy?” Gandalf asked.
Arthur shrugged. “I like to kill things.”
He scooped up a handful of candy and presented it to Merlin. “See, now wasn’t that worth the trip?”
Merlin eyed the candy doubtfully and then took a sweet from Arthur and popped it into his mouth. His eyes rolled with pleasure.
“Mmm…so worth it,” he moaned and Arthur smiled happily.
“Let’s load up the bag with as much as we can carry and then head home.”
“Home?” Lulu asked doubtfully. “But you can’t leave.”
“What? Why not?” Merlin demanded.
“No one can leave Candy Mountain once they find it,” Fru-Fru agreed. “Those are the rules.”
Even Gandalf looked a bit alarmed at this pronouncement and began muttering darkly about unicorns and disparaging the parentage of their keeper.
Arthur snorted. “I think you’re making the rules up as you go along.” He set off determinedly only to be thrown back by an invisible force after a couple of yards.
Merlin hauled Arthur up off the ground and dusted him off. “What do we do now?”
“I don’t know,” Arthur admitted, glaring at Fru-Fru and Lulu who were happily rolling in candy. “Are you sure I can’t shoot them?”
“I don’t see what harm it could do now,” Merlin said glumly but stopped Arthur when he started looking for his crossbow.
Suddenly, everything went dark.
* * *
Merlin let out a soft moan, aware of his aching head and very little else. It took him a few moments to open his eyes and he moaned again when the bright light of the sun made his headache worse. He lay there for a few moments until he realised he could hear strange noises. It sounded suspiciously like neighing and moaning. He sat up gingerly and found himself lying in front of Charlie’s TV where the Uniporn was still playing. Charlie was lying next to him, just showing signs of waking up himself.
“Arthur?” Merlin moaned, crawling to his feet and staggering to where Arthur lay on the other side of the clearing. He dropped down to his knees and shook him by the shoulder. “Arthur, wake up.”
“What happened?” Arthur groaned, batting Merlin’s hand away. “Are we dead?”
“No,” Charlie said, walking over to them. “And you should be grateful for the fact that your bodies are still intact.”
“How did we get back here?” Merlin asked. “And what happened to Candy Mountain?”
“You ask a lot of questions, don’t you?”
“I think that explains a few things,” Arthur said, gesturing across the clearing.
Dumbledore was sat on a log and watching them with an amused smile.
Merlin smiled back in greeting, relieved that it wasn’t Anhora.
“Had a good adventure?” Dumbledore asked.
Arthur nodded enthusiastically and began to regale him with tales of their exploits. Dumbledore listened attentively without interruption until Arthur trailed off and looked about him.
“Where’s Gandalf? And Fru-Fru and Lulu?”
“Gandalf’s taking a well earned rest,” Dumbledore explained. “And as for your other unicorn friends, I’m afraid I cannot say. They have a strong magic I know nothing about. But they are safe.”
“Pity,” Charlie muttered and Dumbledore chuckled.
“Are you feeling well rested now, young Merlin?” Dumbledore enquired politely. Merlin was surprised to find that he did and said so. “Excellent,” Dumbledore continued, “then I will escort you and young Pendragon back to Camelot. Take my arm.” He extended his arm.
Merlin took Dumbledore’s arm and Arthur took Merlin’s. A dizzying moment later and they were back in Camelot.
“It’s a good thing my father wasn’t around to see this,” Arthur said when his stomach had recovered from the journey. “He’d have your head if he’d seen you doing magic right under his nose.”
Dumbledore shot Arthur a look that made him think possibly it wasn’t coincidence that there had been no one around to witness their arrival.
“There you go,” Dumbledore announced. “Safe and sound back at home.”
“And we’ve got a bag full of candy,” Arthur beamed happily. “All in all, I’d say things couldn’t have gone better.”
“Oh, that reminds me,” Dumbledore said and rummaged around in his robes before presenting Merlin with a small bottle. “This should help with the rash.”
Merlin’s face flushed a deep shade of red and he took the bottle with a muttered thanks.
If it was possible, Arthur’s smile widened as he caught Merlin’s arm and dragged him off towards his bedroom.
“Thank you,” he called over his shoulder.
Dumbledore chuckled and shook his head before glancing at his watch. “Ah, almost time for poker.”
The End.