Fandom Radio, March 30
Good evening, Fandom! It is I, the one, the only, your school's Vice Principal and Principle of Vices. Yes, ladies and germs, it's Hawkeye Pierce aka DJ Hawk here with you today on the pirate's own Fandom Radio. Prepare to be dazzled by the wild and wacky adventures of your fellow Fandomoniums.
School Room Blues
First up, as part of the Fandom High administration's full service torture package, not only do you have to live through classes, but now you have to listen to me talk about them all over again. Don't worry kids and kids-at-heart, I won't be offended if you block your ears and say 'lalalala' for this next part.
Zero taught Creature Languages by showing a shark video. I'm assuming that's because they were learning how to speak shark, and if you've been here long enough, I doubt that's surprising to you.
Advanced Criminal Justice, with the big guy in blue, talked about Criminal Justice. Namely, the guys in robes and the places they hang out when they're not at the bar drinking.
Speaking of which, in the spirit of Ms Tyler's drinking game, I recommend all of you over the legal drinking age indulge a little during this broadcast. It's the only thing that'll get you through it. Those of you who aren't over the legal drinking age are free to do whatever you want as long as I don't find out about it.
Music 201 with Professor Ted studied the music of Middle Earth, as opposed to Left Earth or Right Earth. They also ate food. Any class with food can't be all bad.
Biology, Chemistry and Forensics got their grades, and it's a fare thee well to Sara Sidle. Professor Sidle, it's been a pleasure, but sadly not 'a pleasure' since we never met. Perhaps in another life. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Et cetera.
Speech 201 worked on speeches about what they learned in Fandom. I think that's pretty straight forward. Death means nothing except, I'm told, something involving jazz hands, ducks have teeth, the Dean is a head in a tube and be careful what you eat, because it might turn you into a bunny. More on that later, folks. Speech 301 played poker.
...and I wasn't invited??? What is wrong with you people? That's it, I'm making an administrative decree. No gambling on campus without at least inviting me first. Moving along...
The ever-lovely Miss Bristow took over for Professor Dream in Classics and Foreign Literature by assigning readings. Okay, so maybe she isn't ever-lovely, just whenever she's not giving out readings.
Arthurian Traditions with a man who's secure enough in his masculinity to wear a skirt learned about something to do with Arthur. I'm sure if you cared, you'd be doing the class and would already know what they learned about.
Political Campaigning with Professor Lemon.. *rustling notes* wait, no, Professor LYMAN I'm sorry, talked about free media *snort* and Angel's fashion sense. That's what it says right here, folks.
Sociology of Sex Cultures, a class I'm most intrigued by and must sit in on some time, talked about prostitution. Professor Grissom, you've sold me. I'll be there next week.
Business classes with the delectable, and very taken I know - hello Mr Danes and what a fine lady your wife is - Professor Gilmore-Danes, worked on final projects.
Histories of Western Civilization and Medieval England with Professor Talk, Dark and Brooding learned about medieval things, including the Black Death, not to be confused by the White Death, Beige Death or Periwinkle Polka-Dotted Death.
Ms Calendar - call me - taught today as well. Amazing things teachers do on a daily basis. Psychology 101 talked about perception, which is all in the eye of the beholder, things aren't as they seem and how about a date Saturday night, Ms Calendar? While the Jung students did something to do with Jung. As you do.
Finally, General Physical Conditioning did the same thing they do every week. They were generally physical. Or physically general. Either way, I'll bet with all of that conditioning their hair looks shiny and new.
And now we move on to office hours. The booming voice accompanying the head in the tube and lady with legs all the way to the floor, Professor Cregg held office hours but no one showed. Offer hors d'oeuvres or free chilli next time and the kids will be lining up for hours to see you. The stickbug-wielding Professor Ms Rita Skeeter Esquire the Third Pty Ltd held office hours and got some visitors. I'll bet she offered chilli.
Nobody visited the teachers' lounge today, probably because Biff went on a binge and drank all of the alcohol last night. I'm joking, of course. Know that the Fandom High faculty are in no way heavy drinkers. At all.
The cafeteria, on the other hand, was booming with business. Nadia and Victor had lunch. My notes say there was no drama or emo. Kids, it's high school. I don't know what emo is, but high school *is* drama. Enjoy it while it lasts, or at least act up once in a while. It makes my life more interesting. Quinn was traumatized by the Chef wearing...leather pants. Quinn, we have a school counselor. After a sight like that, use the free counseling. You'll need it.
Now onward to that house of constant learning, knowledge and highly caffeinated assistants, the library. Sam and Zero talked about Creature Languages, Parker and Zero had an apparently noteworthy lunch - noteworthy enough to get on the radio anyway - and Rory helped Peter do some research. If it's anything like the research I did in the stacks in high school... study hard, kids.
She-of-the-Ever-Changing-Hair sent an email about a Creature Languages mix-up and He-of-the-Everlasting-Sugar-High sent an email about Music 201.
And finally, according to today's announcement, the red crayon of doom was gone, but various lockers were giving out free cream pies if you were fast enough to catch them.
A Wretched Hive of Gum and Villainy
You kids and your cahooting and carousing. Ah, youth. Just don't set anything on fire and we'll get along fine.
The gym was busy today with Cam, Aeryn and Isabel stopping by.
Krycek couldn't resist the urge to dance, and now I'm telling everyone what a dancing queen he is on the radio. I'm sure he'll take requests if you ask nicely.
It seems that the dorms were visited by a ghost today. I've given up on being surprised by this place. The ghost, whom I will now name Joey Joe Joe, had a pillow fight with Ms Sun and tried to make people dance. Some ghosts want Earthly revenge. Others just want a good tune to swing to.
Posters for something called girlkissy went up, and now I'm wondering if I need to set up a teacher version to set a good example. It seems Ms Thrace isn't too pleased about it. Where's your school spirit? Posters for RISK on Saturday night were also around the dorms.
And...this can't be right. My notes say that Sharon decided to nuke some Peeps. Peeps? People? Anyone with radiation poisoning, please report to the clinic and for the love of...
*whispering off microphone*
Ah. Apparently Sharon ISN'T getting detention for setting off a nuclear device, she just decided to cook some candy in the microwave.
Pippi watched Bitterwoman in the 5th floor common room - we have a 5th floor?
To start us off with the meetings and greetings of the day, John and Aeryn are in the running for the Couple Most Likely to Send Everyone to the Dentist With Cavaties award. Ivanova is sad about Tonks leaving, but fear not Ivanova. There are other fish in the sea, birds in the sky and singles in the bars and there always will be.
Anakin aka that Broody Kid with the Robes visited Isabel, Alphonse was visited by Victor and Cameron slept in his own bed. My notes say 'for once'. Cameron, you ol' dog.
Downtown Fandom: Check Your Sanity at the Gate
*takes a deep breath*
We're on the final stretch here, folks. Hold onto your hats, keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle and hold your breath and count backwards from 30.
If you're looking for a job, Crowley of The Arms Hotel is hiring.
Camulus and Orlin are back to their old selves. This is apparently a good thing. Then they had dinner. And I thought the Crabapple Cove Courier was easy-going with what they considered news, but this is ridiculous.
The Great Vodka Supplier and her Boy Wonder visited Galactica Point. Nice name for a place. Very sci-fi. Ivanova also stopped by at the Point for a brooding session.
Weevil and Veronica were at Caritas chatting away about life, love and...well actually, I don't know what they were talking about. Ask them if you're interested. Victor was there too, but he had no one to talk to.
Meanwhile, Sparky Repairs was busy, as was the grand high poobah of baked goods, the Kwik Stop and the Fourth Sin where GOB and Becky were romantic. In the brothel. How sweet.
Lastly, you were all fantastically healthy individuals and the empty clinics were proof of that.
So folks...
Wait, no, there's one last thing.
*silence, then a burst of laughter*
It seems the good Mr Echolls, labelled here as "Logan-who-used-t'be-a-bunny" is now "Logan-who-used-to-be-a-bunny-and-is-now-one-again." Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy this opportunity. There will be "Logan-who-used-to-be-a-bunny-and-is-now-one-again" merchandise and memorabilia available from my office as of tomorrow. Don't forget to get your photo taken with "Logan-who-used-to-be-a-bunny-and-is-now-one-again" and scratch the little guy behind the ears.
I'll bet he loves baby talk too.
This is DJ Hawk, broadcasting to you from Crow's Nest II. Enjoy your completely non-alcoholic beverages, your completely innocent and non-mischievous gatherings and have a good night!
School Room Blues
First up, as part of the Fandom High administration's full service torture package, not only do you have to live through classes, but now you have to listen to me talk about them all over again. Don't worry kids and kids-at-heart, I won't be offended if you block your ears and say 'lalalala' for this next part.
Zero taught Creature Languages by showing a shark video. I'm assuming that's because they were learning how to speak shark, and if you've been here long enough, I doubt that's surprising to you.
Advanced Criminal Justice, with the big guy in blue, talked about Criminal Justice. Namely, the guys in robes and the places they hang out when they're not at the bar drinking.
Speaking of which, in the spirit of Ms Tyler's drinking game, I recommend all of you over the legal drinking age indulge a little during this broadcast. It's the only thing that'll get you through it. Those of you who aren't over the legal drinking age are free to do whatever you want as long as I don't find out about it.
Music 201 with Professor Ted studied the music of Middle Earth, as opposed to Left Earth or Right Earth. They also ate food. Any class with food can't be all bad.
Biology, Chemistry and Forensics got their grades, and it's a fare thee well to Sara Sidle. Professor Sidle, it's been a pleasure, but sadly not 'a pleasure' since we never met. Perhaps in another life. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Et cetera.
Speech 201 worked on speeches about what they learned in Fandom. I think that's pretty straight forward. Death means nothing except, I'm told, something involving jazz hands, ducks have teeth, the Dean is a head in a tube and be careful what you eat, because it might turn you into a bunny. More on that later, folks. Speech 301 played poker.
...and I wasn't invited??? What is wrong with you people? That's it, I'm making an administrative decree. No gambling on campus without at least inviting me first. Moving along...
The ever-lovely Miss Bristow took over for Professor Dream in Classics and Foreign Literature by assigning readings. Okay, so maybe she isn't ever-lovely, just whenever she's not giving out readings.
Arthurian Traditions with a man who's secure enough in his masculinity to wear a skirt learned about something to do with Arthur. I'm sure if you cared, you'd be doing the class and would already know what they learned about.
Political Campaigning with Professor Lemon.. *rustling notes* wait, no, Professor LYMAN I'm sorry, talked about free media *snort* and Angel's fashion sense. That's what it says right here, folks.
Sociology of Sex Cultures, a class I'm most intrigued by and must sit in on some time, talked about prostitution. Professor Grissom, you've sold me. I'll be there next week.
Business classes with the delectable, and very taken I know - hello Mr Danes and what a fine lady your wife is - Professor Gilmore-Danes, worked on final projects.
Histories of Western Civilization and Medieval England with Professor Talk, Dark and Brooding learned about medieval things, including the Black Death, not to be confused by the White Death, Beige Death or Periwinkle Polka-Dotted Death.
Ms Calendar - call me - taught today as well. Amazing things teachers do on a daily basis. Psychology 101 talked about perception, which is all in the eye of the beholder, things aren't as they seem and how about a date Saturday night, Ms Calendar? While the Jung students did something to do with Jung. As you do.
Finally, General Physical Conditioning did the same thing they do every week. They were generally physical. Or physically general. Either way, I'll bet with all of that conditioning their hair looks shiny and new.
And now we move on to office hours. The booming voice accompanying the head in the tube and lady with legs all the way to the floor, Professor Cregg held office hours but no one showed. Offer hors d'oeuvres or free chilli next time and the kids will be lining up for hours to see you. The stickbug-wielding Professor Ms Rita Skeeter Esquire the Third Pty Ltd held office hours and got some visitors. I'll bet she offered chilli.
Nobody visited the teachers' lounge today, probably because Biff went on a binge and drank all of the alcohol last night. I'm joking, of course. Know that the Fandom High faculty are in no way heavy drinkers. At all.
The cafeteria, on the other hand, was booming with business. Nadia and Victor had lunch. My notes say there was no drama or emo. Kids, it's high school. I don't know what emo is, but high school *is* drama. Enjoy it while it lasts, or at least act up once in a while. It makes my life more interesting. Quinn was traumatized by the Chef wearing...leather pants. Quinn, we have a school counselor. After a sight like that, use the free counseling. You'll need it.
Now onward to that house of constant learning, knowledge and highly caffeinated assistants, the library. Sam and Zero talked about Creature Languages, Parker and Zero had an apparently noteworthy lunch - noteworthy enough to get on the radio anyway - and Rory helped Peter do some research. If it's anything like the research I did in the stacks in high school... study hard, kids.
She-of-the-Ever-Changing-Hair sent an email about a Creature Languages mix-up and He-of-the-Everlasting-Sugar-High sent an email about Music 201.
And finally, according to today's announcement, the red crayon of doom was gone, but various lockers were giving out free cream pies if you were fast enough to catch them.
A Wretched Hive of Gum and Villainy
You kids and your cahooting and carousing. Ah, youth. Just don't set anything on fire and we'll get along fine.
The gym was busy today with Cam, Aeryn and Isabel stopping by.
Krycek couldn't resist the urge to dance, and now I'm telling everyone what a dancing queen he is on the radio. I'm sure he'll take requests if you ask nicely.
It seems that the dorms were visited by a ghost today. I've given up on being surprised by this place. The ghost, whom I will now name Joey Joe Joe, had a pillow fight with Ms Sun and tried to make people dance. Some ghosts want Earthly revenge. Others just want a good tune to swing to.
Posters for something called girlkissy went up, and now I'm wondering if I need to set up a teacher version to set a good example. It seems Ms Thrace isn't too pleased about it. Where's your school spirit? Posters for RISK on Saturday night were also around the dorms.
And...this can't be right. My notes say that Sharon decided to nuke some Peeps. Peeps? People? Anyone with radiation poisoning, please report to the clinic and for the love of...
*whispering off microphone*
Ah. Apparently Sharon ISN'T getting detention for setting off a nuclear device, she just decided to cook some candy in the microwave.
Pippi watched Bitterwoman in the 5th floor common room - we have a 5th floor?
To start us off with the meetings and greetings of the day, John and Aeryn are in the running for the Couple Most Likely to Send Everyone to the Dentist With Cavaties award. Ivanova is sad about Tonks leaving, but fear not Ivanova. There are other fish in the sea, birds in the sky and singles in the bars and there always will be.
Anakin aka that Broody Kid with the Robes visited Isabel, Alphonse was visited by Victor and Cameron slept in his own bed. My notes say 'for once'. Cameron, you ol' dog.
Downtown Fandom: Check Your Sanity at the Gate
*takes a deep breath*
We're on the final stretch here, folks. Hold onto your hats, keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle and hold your breath and count backwards from 30.
If you're looking for a job, Crowley of The Arms Hotel is hiring.
Camulus and Orlin are back to their old selves. This is apparently a good thing. Then they had dinner. And I thought the Crabapple Cove Courier was easy-going with what they considered news, but this is ridiculous.
The Great Vodka Supplier and her Boy Wonder visited Galactica Point. Nice name for a place. Very sci-fi. Ivanova also stopped by at the Point for a brooding session.
Weevil and Veronica were at Caritas chatting away about life, love and...well actually, I don't know what they were talking about. Ask them if you're interested. Victor was there too, but he had no one to talk to.
Meanwhile, Sparky Repairs was busy, as was the grand high poobah of baked goods, the Kwik Stop and the Fourth Sin where GOB and Becky were romantic. In the brothel. How sweet.
Lastly, you were all fantastically healthy individuals and the empty clinics were proof of that.
So folks...
Wait, no, there's one last thing.
*silence, then a burst of laughter*
It seems the good Mr Echolls, labelled here as "Logan-who-used-t'be-a-bunny" is now "Logan-who-used-to-be-a-bunny-and-is-now-one-again." Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy this opportunity. There will be "Logan-who-used-to-be-a-bunny-and-is-now-one-again" merchandise and memorabilia available from my office as of tomorrow. Don't forget to get your photo taken with "Logan-who-used-to-be-a-bunny-and-is-now-one-again" and scratch the little guy behind the ears.
I'll bet he loves baby talk too.
This is DJ Hawk, broadcasting to you from Crow's Nest II. Enjoy your completely non-alcoholic beverages, your completely innocent and non-mischievous gatherings and have a good night!