Fandom Radio, Sunday, December 30th, 2007
DICK: Hey, Fandom! This is Dick Casablancas with WTFH radio but I'm currently not in the radio station. My current location is Los Angeles. Even more specific, a room in the Hyperion in Los Angeles. I was, like, two seconds away from calling Meg and make her do radio for me but there was a knock at the door and lo and behold there was a bunch of squirrels with radio equipment! They love me, they really love me!
VERONICA: ... why the hell are there squirrels... Oh, hey Dick. Are you doing radio? That would explain the squirrels.
DICK: No, I'm not doing radio. I just like to spend my free time conversing with squirrels and electronics.
VERONICA: Well, the squirrels are probably about at your intelligence level. *sounds of indignant squeaking* Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to insult you squirrels.
DICK: Oh hahahaha! Very funny, Mars. Now go away.
VERONICA: Aww, come on, let me help! I used to do radio all the time.
DICK: There's no chance of me saying no and you quietly leaving the room, is there?
VERONICA: What do you think?
DICK: Ugh, fine. Sit down. But try to be less annoying than usual. For our listeners' sake.
VERONICA: Not like I could be more annoying than you.
DICK: Oh you are *so* more annoying than I am. Ask Willow and Anders. They'll back me up.
VERONICA: Whatever. I'm sure there are way more than two people who back me up about you being more annoying.
DICK: I bet those people suck. But whatever, let's move on. The sooner we get this done, the sooner you can leave me alone.
School's out for winter!
DICK: Nothing! No classes, no libraries open, no nothing. You know why? Because school sucks and people who like being there should get a CAT scan.
VERONICA: Do you even know what a CAT scan is?
DICK: I've been hit in the head a ton of times. Of course I know what a CAT scan is.
VERONICA: That explains so much.
DICK: Now if we can only figure out what happened to you...
VERONICA: Too many drugs slipped in my drinks at parties.
DICK: What ever are you talking about? Oh look, dorm news!
Dorms! Which is sort of like a hotel but you have to clean after yourself!
DICK: Karal is taking care of and riding Trenor this morning. Man! That dude loves his horse. Would you like to comment on the love between a human and an animal, Ronnie? You dated Duncan, after all.
VERONICA: Ugh, don't remind me. My taste has gotten infinitely better since then, thank you very much. Anyway, Isabel hangs out in the Fourth Floor Common Room watching Amazing Race. Someone named Charlie stops by for a distraction. I'm thinking that's not the same Charlie I went to school with. Oh, definitely not, cause it says she's a she. Charlie talked to Isabel about the holidays and missing home which she also discussed with Rodney. Hoshi is there, too, and learns about The Amazing Race from Isabel before telling Charlie about her insane family. Was there a food fight at your holiday dinner? Cause that's always fun. Except not.
DICK: I don't expect someone like you to understand the subtle beauty of a food fight. You're just no fun.
VERONICA: I don't expect someone like you to understand the annoyance of having something you work hard at being ruined. Moving on, Meg shows up and discusses Christmas and new people with Isabel. Meg, I expect you to warn the new kids to stay away from Dick.
DICK: Now, now, just because you aren't getting any doesn't mean you should prevent others from doing so.
VERONICA: I wouldn't want it from you. Back to the common room, Charlie wonders if Meg knows where Dean is. And then Dean shows up. Wow, he must be psychic or something. He talks to Isabel about Christmas and... fungus? That's an interesting combo. He tells Charlie about some kind of engagement and she tells him she's leaving. And of course Dean talks to Meg. Uh, so, Meg and Dean? A word of advice if I may? Use condoms. Lots of them.
DICK: What is this, a PSA? Quit mothering people.
VERONICA: Trust me, Meg will appreciate that advice some day.
DICK: I don't know what you're talking about and quite frankly, I don't want to know. Anyways, Karal is eating brownies in his room. Hey! I love brownies. He gives Aravis a brownie and they talk about how happy they are. Oookay. John Sheppard tells Aravis about his horselick, ew. And in even more ew, Andrew tells Karal about his Neil-induced sore muscles. What is with these people? Aravis and Andrew meet and they discuss brownies and how they lost their virginity. Of course. Because that's a totally normal thing to talk about. Andrew goes on to talk to Seely about naked touching. Aravis wants to see Gavin's spinny hat and I hope to god that's not dirty. Gavin senses something is up but assumes it has to do with gremlins. Seely gets Gavin to try a brownie and then they talk about pretty, pretty lights. Karal wants John to have a brownie so his hair won't be unhappy. Man, I hate it when my hair is sad. Andrew tells John about his sore muscles, ew again, and almost convinces him to bleach his hair. That would be a mistake of epic proportions. And it would be an insult to us natural blondes. Seely thinks John's hair works out and Aravis is obsessed with Seely's hair. And Karal gets Seely to take his shirt off. Oh my god! I think there was drugs in those brownies!
VERONICA: Wow, Dick, you're a shoe-in for valedictorian with deductive skills like that.
DICK: You know what? You can just get out. Leave before I sic my squirrel friends on you. They bite and trust me, it hurts.
VERONICA: Fine, I have better things to do in LA than hang out with you.
DICK: Fine then. I bet you're just going to go read trashy smut novels in your room.
VERONICA: I'm not dignifying that with a response. Good night, Fandom. Sorry to leave you stuck with Dick.
DICK: She's only not digiggtiyfying that with a response because it's true. There, only me, the squirrels and my gentle Fandom listeners now. As it should be. Anyways, Chris gets back and tells Summer he has a sister but he isn't so keen on telling Lana. Wow, those Halliwells breed like nobody's business. Ino tells Kabuto she's still mad at him. Why would you tell someone you're still mad at them? Isn't ignoring them enough of a hint? Karal and Andrew are still high. Woo! Man, figures the one time I'm gone there's special brownies. And Peter Parker is back in town. And John gets licked by a horse. Gross!
Town, where I'm not at!
Anne opens the Book Haven but no one shows up because maybe people are finally taking my advice about not reading. AJ opens Luke's Diner and Ino welcomes AJ back from his vacation. Annette, who I miss very much and wish did radio with me tonight instead of Ronnie, goes for a walk in the park. Ino runs into her and they talk about Ino's troubles with Kabuto and that cockbite Trevor proposing to Annette. Seriously, I'm going to punch that guy in the face. And my punches hurt. I'm sure there are people in Fandom and Neptune that can back me up on this. And Billy and Annette catch up on their respective Christmases. Mary makes dinner for George Michael, who is looking at more than the chicken's breasts. I swear to god that the squirrel wrote that innuendo, not me. Pretty good innuendo though. In bar news, Kabuto opened the Devil's Nest and Yitzhak hijacked Caritas but nobody showed up to either place.
Well, Fandom, that's it for me. I'm sorry you had to put up with the horrendous evil that is Veronica Mars. You should feel bad for me, I'm with her for the next two days. Lucky for me it's New Year's and there's lots of booze around to help me cope. Night all, and don't get too drunk tomorrow! Leave that to me!
[Co-written with the lovely marsheadtilt]
VERONICA: ... why the hell are there squirrels... Oh, hey Dick. Are you doing radio? That would explain the squirrels.
DICK: No, I'm not doing radio. I just like to spend my free time conversing with squirrels and electronics.
VERONICA: Well, the squirrels are probably about at your intelligence level. *sounds of indignant squeaking* Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to insult you squirrels.
DICK: Oh hahahaha! Very funny, Mars. Now go away.
VERONICA: Aww, come on, let me help! I used to do radio all the time.
DICK: There's no chance of me saying no and you quietly leaving the room, is there?
VERONICA: What do you think?
DICK: Ugh, fine. Sit down. But try to be less annoying than usual. For our listeners' sake.
VERONICA: Not like I could be more annoying than you.
DICK: Oh you are *so* more annoying than I am. Ask Willow and Anders. They'll back me up.
VERONICA: Whatever. I'm sure there are way more than two people who back me up about you being more annoying.
DICK: I bet those people suck. But whatever, let's move on. The sooner we get this done, the sooner you can leave me alone.
School's out for winter!
DICK: Nothing! No classes, no libraries open, no nothing. You know why? Because school sucks and people who like being there should get a CAT scan.
VERONICA: Do you even know what a CAT scan is?
DICK: I've been hit in the head a ton of times. Of course I know what a CAT scan is.
VERONICA: That explains so much.
DICK: Now if we can only figure out what happened to you...
VERONICA: Too many drugs slipped in my drinks at parties.
DICK: What ever are you talking about? Oh look, dorm news!
Dorms! Which is sort of like a hotel but you have to clean after yourself!
DICK: Karal is taking care of and riding Trenor this morning. Man! That dude loves his horse. Would you like to comment on the love between a human and an animal, Ronnie? You dated Duncan, after all.
VERONICA: Ugh, don't remind me. My taste has gotten infinitely better since then, thank you very much. Anyway, Isabel hangs out in the Fourth Floor Common Room watching Amazing Race. Someone named Charlie stops by for a distraction. I'm thinking that's not the same Charlie I went to school with. Oh, definitely not, cause it says she's a she. Charlie talked to Isabel about the holidays and missing home which she also discussed with Rodney. Hoshi is there, too, and learns about The Amazing Race from Isabel before telling Charlie about her insane family. Was there a food fight at your holiday dinner? Cause that's always fun. Except not.
DICK: I don't expect someone like you to understand the subtle beauty of a food fight. You're just no fun.
VERONICA: I don't expect someone like you to understand the annoyance of having something you work hard at being ruined. Moving on, Meg shows up and discusses Christmas and new people with Isabel. Meg, I expect you to warn the new kids to stay away from Dick.
DICK: Now, now, just because you aren't getting any doesn't mean you should prevent others from doing so.
VERONICA: I wouldn't want it from you. Back to the common room, Charlie wonders if Meg knows where Dean is. And then Dean shows up. Wow, he must be psychic or something. He talks to Isabel about Christmas and... fungus? That's an interesting combo. He tells Charlie about some kind of engagement and she tells him she's leaving. And of course Dean talks to Meg. Uh, so, Meg and Dean? A word of advice if I may? Use condoms. Lots of them.
DICK: What is this, a PSA? Quit mothering people.
VERONICA: Trust me, Meg will appreciate that advice some day.
DICK: I don't know what you're talking about and quite frankly, I don't want to know. Anyways, Karal is eating brownies in his room. Hey! I love brownies. He gives Aravis a brownie and they talk about how happy they are. Oookay. John Sheppard tells Aravis about his horselick, ew. And in even more ew, Andrew tells Karal about his Neil-induced sore muscles. What is with these people? Aravis and Andrew meet and they discuss brownies and how they lost their virginity. Of course. Because that's a totally normal thing to talk about. Andrew goes on to talk to Seely about naked touching. Aravis wants to see Gavin's spinny hat and I hope to god that's not dirty. Gavin senses something is up but assumes it has to do with gremlins. Seely gets Gavin to try a brownie and then they talk about pretty, pretty lights. Karal wants John to have a brownie so his hair won't be unhappy. Man, I hate it when my hair is sad. Andrew tells John about his sore muscles, ew again, and almost convinces him to bleach his hair. That would be a mistake of epic proportions. And it would be an insult to us natural blondes. Seely thinks John's hair works out and Aravis is obsessed with Seely's hair. And Karal gets Seely to take his shirt off. Oh my god! I think there was drugs in those brownies!
VERONICA: Wow, Dick, you're a shoe-in for valedictorian with deductive skills like that.
DICK: You know what? You can just get out. Leave before I sic my squirrel friends on you. They bite and trust me, it hurts.
VERONICA: Fine, I have better things to do in LA than hang out with you.
DICK: Fine then. I bet you're just going to go read trashy smut novels in your room.
VERONICA: I'm not dignifying that with a response. Good night, Fandom. Sorry to leave you stuck with Dick.
DICK: She's only not digiggtiyfying that with a response because it's true. There, only me, the squirrels and my gentle Fandom listeners now. As it should be. Anyways, Chris gets back and tells Summer he has a sister but he isn't so keen on telling Lana. Wow, those Halliwells breed like nobody's business. Ino tells Kabuto she's still mad at him. Why would you tell someone you're still mad at them? Isn't ignoring them enough of a hint? Karal and Andrew are still high. Woo! Man, figures the one time I'm gone there's special brownies. And Peter Parker is back in town. And John gets licked by a horse. Gross!
Town, where I'm not at!
Anne opens the Book Haven but no one shows up because maybe people are finally taking my advice about not reading. AJ opens Luke's Diner and Ino welcomes AJ back from his vacation. Annette, who I miss very much and wish did radio with me tonight instead of Ronnie, goes for a walk in the park. Ino runs into her and they talk about Ino's troubles with Kabuto and that cockbite Trevor proposing to Annette. Seriously, I'm going to punch that guy in the face. And my punches hurt. I'm sure there are people in Fandom and Neptune that can back me up on this. And Billy and Annette catch up on their respective Christmases. Mary makes dinner for George Michael, who is looking at more than the chicken's breasts. I swear to god that the squirrel wrote that innuendo, not me. Pretty good innuendo though. In bar news, Kabuto opened the Devil's Nest and Yitzhak hijacked Caritas but nobody showed up to either place.
Well, Fandom, that's it for me. I'm sorry you had to put up with the horrendous evil that is Veronica Mars. You should feel bad for me, I'm with her for the next two days. Lucky for me it's New Year's and there's lots of booze around to help me cope. Night all, and don't get too drunk tomorrow! Leave that to me!
[Co-written with the lovely marsheadtilt]