[Ivanova] Meeting of the minds-- Clash of the Titans?
Who: Ivanova, Marcus
When: Day 36, After the rain, after Ah the oblivion
Where: Away from the Camp, so as not to let voices carry...
Invited: Closed
Status: Complete
Susan looked for the Ranger, whether or not he was looking for her. She found him... and the moment her eyes locked, she strode forward, her shoulders squared and her back stiff. There was determination in her manner and mien, no mistaking it for a moment.
"Marcus..."
Before anything could be said, she put her hand up to forestall even the barest of beginnings.
"No... You're going to listen." Unless, of course, he turned and walked away. -That- she wouldn't expect.
"Am I your Susan?" The question, on the surface, was easy... but once more, the commander-without-a-home put up her hand to disallow any response. Rhetorical question, undoubtedly.
"You are the same Marcus I've known for the past... year." Her Marcus. Give or take a couple of months. "You are the most frustrating, maddening, aggravating..." She'd gotten herself worked up on this, even as she allowed herself some thought on the matter after Aeryn left her. "... man I've ever met. From the moment I laid eyes on you, you were trouble. I never, ever knew what to expect of you, couldn't, for the life of me, figure out where you stood in my constructed world." She chuckles quietly, a soft smile coming, if only briefly, "You tried to show me. They were nice pictures of your parents, by the way." Her tones shifted, however, back to the steady, carefully intoned words. "You were... kind to me... made me laugh... took the time to see me, even if I was busy with this negotiation, or that difficulty, no matter what." She paused, her body tense in an attempt to keep herself straight.
"When the station was attacked, we weren't ready. The attempt to bring Babylon 4 back failed, and the Shadows were on the move, attacking the League of Unaligned Worlds planet after planet. We didn't have a chance." Her voice lowered. "You'd gone... I don't know... Minbar, maybe? Somewhere. We were attacked, and..." She swallowed and wiped her misting eyes, but she never dropped that contact for a moment.
"We lost John... we evacuated as many people as we could off the station... and Garibaldi rigged the fusion reactor. I woke up here.... suddenly... alone. Then, I saw you in that pod." She bit her lower lip, as she searched the Ranger's face. This was getting harder as she continued, her voice faltering as she searched for words. "And I thought to myself, 'You'll be okay, Susan... Marcus is here...' See... because... I never thought that you... wouldn't. That it wouldn't. Not if you were here." With her. "If you left me, Marcus, I'd be alone... and I'm not sure I could handle losing you. Not you." She'd dragged a crippled doctor a half mile to the stasis pod to help... had kept vigil to be sure he was okay. Watched over him as he gathered strength.
She took a deep breath and a step back, her hands trailing down and behind her back, fingers linking, as she pressed her lips together. It was said... sort of. The best way she could, the only way she knew how.
**
Marcus smiled a little, blue eyes brightening up. Well, at least she
hadn't asked that he apologise.
He didn't move closer, but didn't move further away, either, just
spoke very quietly. "The only way I could tell you what happened was
to try and distance myself from it. Of course you are the same Susan.
You are the Susan who said 'Who am I? I am Susan Ivanova, Commander,
daughter of Andrei and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right hand of
vengeance, and the boot that is going to kick your sorry ass all the
way back to Earth ... I am Death incarnate, and the last living thing
that you are ever going to see. God sent me.' just before destroying
the last of the shadow hybrids." he paused, then his voice grew to an
almost whisper "just before the debris hit our white star."
He shook his head, the smile still there. "And you're the Susan that
I care about, very deeply. So deeply, I can't even put into Human
words what I mean."
***
No... no apology. But, conversely, Susan wasn't about to apologize either. In her mind, the pair were beyond that, allowing things to remain unsaid... assumed.
But, that was where she'd gone wrong before.
The smile that crept upon the Ranger's face told her that, perhaps, finally, she'd done something right. Had said something right, and it was a relief. It was only truly evident in her stance, however, and her fingers unlaced behind her. Her eyes looked over the man, and a hint of a smile followed suite on her own face as she nodded and looked at the ground for a moment. "Sounds like something I'd say." She'd learned from the best on that one-- Delenn, but in her own style, of course.
Her brows rose at the description of the ships, however, and tilted her head, curiosity and confusion vying for supremacy in her expression. "Shadow... hybrids?"
That thought, however, was blown out of space as the Ranger offered up, on the proverbial silver platter, his feelings on... the entire matter. She paused; one of the few times that she was caught, while not unawares, off-guard and-and-and...
She knew, or rather, she'd guessed, but she was afraid... afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Just as she had earlier that very day. How--
"Marcus... I-I-I..." Well, there's a good start, Susan! If she searched her own soul a little more deeply, how could she really be surprised? She'd said, however, She and her heart aren't on speaking terms. The Ranger had rapidly worked his way into her life, making him one of the few people she could trust... and that number could be counted on one hand. He'd always been at her side, whether by his design or by hers... and if it wasn't her idea, his presence was... comforting. Not that she'd ever have admitted it.
"I'll warn you now, Marcus... I'm horrible at relationships. I-- I've got a pretty bad record." The touch of a smile remained, her tones soft as she looked back to the Ranger. It turned wan, "And there's a reason why the Corps wears gloves." She rarely touched anyone... shields were always more difficult in a flesh to flesh touch. "It's... harder to block." And if he was now an empath? That was a warning on both sides, when given thought.
She took a step closer, however, a change from just a moment ago when she'd stepped back after her opening barrage. "If you're willing to put up with me?"
***
This time the smile grew into a very soft, but infinitely forgiving
laugh. "Willing to put up with you, Susan? If I hadn't been, do you
think I would have stayed around to always catch your flack?" This
time he held up a hand to forstall any argument.
"I know that you remember the 'greeting' I gave you, when we were
talking about Minbari and the language." he smiled tightly, then his
voice reminded her gently "Nuzen felani enaliz medrawn - I
exaggerated." he shrugged slightly, blue eyes dancing. "When I told
you it was a greeting? I didn't tell you the whole truth, because it
was easier. It means that you are the most beautiful woman I've ever
seen."
With that, he let his hands drop to his sides again. "I won't hide
behind Minbari any longer, not with you, at least."
***
Susan looked defensive for a moment, a retort coming to her lips even as Marcus waved his own hand. "Marcus, I--" She wasn't that bad! Instead of the full response, she crossed her arms in front of her and shifted her weight, staring at the Ranger.
Her posture had no hope, however, of remaining defensive as Marcus offered up his next 'confession', and her arms dropped once more. When it came to languages, other than Russian and Interlac, she was hopeless. What could she say to that, other than,
"Thank you," and it left in a soft voice.
"You promised you'd teach me," Susan wasn't above reminding him. While it could easily be explained away as a 'necessity', should they make it 'back', or as a continuance of a promise, the commander filed it away as getting some time and attention. Who knew what'd take the Ranger's attention, once they had more time on the island under their collective belts. She knew she couldn't even begin to guess; she was smarter than to pretend she knew Marcus' mind, much less understand him.
She was good with not having to go back into the discussion regarding... shields and blocks. No help from her could be counted upon. It was bad enough that, should their ... relationship(!) move, his touch would (and could) hold a great deal more than simple warm contact. She'd never met anyone, though, who was more of a paradox. Strong... and gentle, at the same time...
***
Marcus nodded. "If you'll promise to pay attention" he grinned "and
if you promise not to make fun of their ways, then I'll teach you how
to think in Minbari."
He sighed, casting a quick glance to Scott's tent "But there are
apparently other things that I will have to attend to fairly quickly
too."
He looked at her again, eyes meeting eyes "I'm sorry if you think I
kept a secret from you, Susan. The truth is, I had no idea that I had
any telepathic ability. I had nothing like that, when I died. So I
can only assume that something changed between the time I went into
stasis and the time I woke up. I honestly didn't know."
***
"I can't promise," Susan began before pausing, then a sigh exited her lips. "Okay. Thinking like a Minbari, though? I can't even figure out what you're thinking half the time. The other half, I'm wrong." She chuckled softly at her own admission.
For a long moment, she felt... awkward. She hadn't felt like that since, well, the first time. Now that they've laid their cards on the table, what next? She never had a problem with this, but-- she knew the Ranger.
"Marcus?" She wanted to be sure she was understood. She had lots of barriers in place when it came to her ability, and she knew it. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish it on anyone." Slowly but surely, the reasons were stacking up against going 'home', what, with the Corps now potentially in the picture. She nodded, agreeing with the declared 'next move'. "He seems okay... but I want to know everything." She knew what her mother had taught her; what she'd gleaned from her experience with the Corps on the station, from Talia... and on this one bit, she was fully prepared to personally twist heads from bodies should she deem it necessary.
Glancing behind her at the camp, she returned and nodded... that sense of awkwardness returning. Yet another reason to pile on why Marcus just... frustrated her. The pair had their walls, their barriers; that line that one just didn't cross on either side. Still, Susan took one more step closer, into his personal space, put a hand on his shoulder and kissed his cheek, and whispered in his ear, "Be careful."
The admonition complete, the commander straightened up, looked at him again, and smiled. Ice breaker, perhaps?
***
There wasn't a lot more than just the warmth of Susan's lips on his
bearded cheek, but he could sense her concern and was grateful for it.
"You know me, Susan. Always careful, even when there's lives on the
line."
To take the sting out of his words, he smiled; not exactly a mask this
time, but his way of softening the admonition that she was worried
needlessly. However, he really wished she might have left the hand on
his shoulder, it had felt good to let her breach that personal space,
even for a few seconds and now that she'd stepped aside again, he felt
almost bereft of her presence. He scratched at his jaw lightly but
didn't take his gaze away from her. Oh, in the past, he might have
looked away, but not while they were attempting to be honest with each
other.
~Could you really live with me, Susan? Be part of my life? Accept me
for what and who I am?~ Questions he burned to ask her, but instead
he tilted his head slightly "and what about your.. talent? Strikes me
that there's people here you could learn from, do something more
useful with it than hiding it away." He hoped she didn't take umbrage
at him asking her about her teep abilities, but he'd known, or rather
suspected, almost since the moment they met. He'd heard the rumours,
from some of the more vocal commercial teeps that the commander had
been impossible to read... and yet other rumours from Minbari teeps
that reported the same thing, but suspecting something and knowing a
thing were different.
Here, however, there were no psi-cops and no corps, maybe she could
learn to use it as a tool, instead of hiding it now. It could prove
to be an asset, of sorts.
Besides which, if they were returned to their time, the Minbari would
offer to help her; shelter her; train her. There were alternatives to
the corps, just not widely publicised.
***
Even now, though, she couldn't trust telepaths. Ami'd outted her immediately; and how would she know, could she know if she wasn't scanning? Yet the woman denied it to the highest heavens. To Susan, that was a breach of privacy, and while she didn't like the Corps, there were -laws- in place. And it was the laws that she'd held to.
"Even when, hmmm?" She didn't particularly think that her concern was misplaced, and she said as much. "Scott's wife doesn't think twice about passive scanning, Marcus. I don't know if she doesn't know how to block, or if she just thinks it's okay-- or if Dr. Jackson told her to do it. It was the only way she'd know that I'm blocked." In case there was any doubt, let it be dispelled now.
"There's nothing to learn here." There's the stubborn streak. "I won't ever scan you... ever. And... no one will ever have to worry if I'm looking over their casual, unguarded thoughts." Susan paused, however, and her voice canted lower. "If they push... I don't know how strong they are... I don't know if I'd be able to keep them out." Thus, the use of Minbari telepaths when Bester'd gone to the station to investigate Dust. "And it's harder when skin to skin contact is made."
She didn't read Marcus' thoughts, couldn't, and wouldn't, the issue of privacy so burned into her psyche. If she had any inkling of the questions, she'd probably lie awake at night, asking herself the same ones.
Susan shook her head, her expression almost pleading. "Don't... please." She hated her ability, had no desire to do anything with it. "It's because I'm shielded that I couldn't tell what'd happened to you." If she hadn't shut herself up, it wouldn't have required Scott. "And for that, I'm sorry... but I can't..." Won't.
***
Marcus understood, intimately, the fear that he saw in Susan's eyes
and nodded. "And I wouldn't ask you to, if you can't. You
misunderstood when I mentioned it, I think. I only asked about it,
because you have a chance to investigate it without fear. But you've
made your choice, I won't ask you to change it."
He sighed. By Valen this was harder than other people made it seem.
This honesty thing was so very difficult, especially when he caught
drifting emotions from around him. It was times like this he wished
he could ask Susan to teach him how to shield so tightly. But then,
could an empath, who isn't a telepath, truly learn to block like that?
He sighed, glancing up at the blue sky. Then back to Susan. "This is
awkward, isn't it?" he smiled, hoping she understood what he meant.
"I've never tried this hard to be honest and... I think I'm failing
miserably" a little shrug of his shoulders helped to emphasize how out
of his element he was feeling.
***
It wasn't easy for Susan, either. For her, it was forcing her to take stock of who and what she was; she'd been so far removed from her emotions that to be reintroduced to them required a certain formality. She and her heart weren't on a 'first name basis' and hadn't been for some time. But here, the chipping at the wall began, and even she didn't know what lay behind it. Water, as for a dam, or open air and freedom? That 'greener pasture' that everyone always talked about.
She chuckled, the sound soft in the breeze of the beach. He'd accept her, the fear, the doubt; but at one point, she'd have to be sure he understood that it was -only- in regards to the unwanted genetic gift. Beyond that, she was Susan Ivanova, Commander... daughter of Andrei and Sophie Ivanov...
"Yes." There was a slight perk to her shoulders, a spark in her blue eyes as a brow rose. "I could go back to calling you a pain in my ass?" It was in jest, certainly she didn't mean it in the least-- well, there'd be no escaping that there would be occasions when she'd read him the 'riot act' for one thing or another... but not... really. The fear, the concern-- her thoughts on the matter of Marcus Cole, Ranger, were out. Not much left unsaid, except -those- words. She shook her head, the smile still there. "No... you're not. I'm not the easiest audience, I know."
She grew silent a moment, watching the man. He'd bit off potentially a lot more than he could chew with her, and she knew it.
"I'm going to go for a run with John later." That statement served as three-fold. Where she was going, what she was doing, and should Marcus feel a need to wander, she'd be otherwise engaged. The island, apparently, was... strange, and a run would necessitate that she leave the 'safety' of the beach camp to go down the beach.
***
Marcus just nodded in acceptance. He knew she used to run with
Stephen sometimes, and also Garibaldi when he was around, so the idea
of her going for a run with John sounded good. It was also a good way
for her to get the frustration out of her system.
"I should really try and finish my meditation, plus I'd like to run
through a few fighting exercises, I could use a little stretching,
there's a few kinks there that this stasis pod must have introduced."
He smiled foolishly. No, he didn't jog, he'd not be good company for
the two of them. He enjoyed his kata's and the Minbari ones exercised
most parts of his body, allowing him to relax properly, something he'd
not done since awakening.
"Susan?" he asked, looking towards her again "I just want you to know
one thing. I may not be the easiest person to get on with, but now
that rank and position are out of the equation, perhaps you will be
able to understand where I can fit in your life. I'd like that."
***
Susan had yet to work out a schedule of, well, working out. She'd squeezed it in when she could; Stephen's schedule was always wonky, as was the Chief's. Now, with only time on her hand, it would be part of the attempt to keep her from going nuts with boredom. Pineapple juice in a coconut was going to go just so far.
She'd wondered what he did to keep on top of his own training, and once he'd mentionned it, it sounded right. At least to her ears.
Her name called, any hint of being lost in her own thoughts disappeared as she returned her full attention to the man before him. Her smile shifted, only a hint, and she raised a brow. 'Rank and position' was all she'd had for nearly half her life. And now?
She exhaled softly and pressed her lips together as she considered how to approach this particular thorny bit. "I'm a soldier, Marcus. Officer... and have been for nearly half my life." It's going to be a hard enough transition. She opened her mouth to say more, but closed it, her expression pensive. "I used to dream about retirement to civilian life... when I was old and grey. Now, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself." As for how to fit Marcus in, she's... not entirely sure. She laughed softly in a memory, her voice just above a whisper. "I could use another chart."
***
He laughed, eyes sparkling with simple mirth "You don't need a chart.
Besides, here I couldn't draw one, I don't know where everyone else
fits in, yet." he paused, canting his head to the side, then gently
reached over to lay his hand on her covered shoulder. "I've been a
soldier for most of my life, Susan, yet never needed rank or position
to define my life. You can be a soldier, without them. Just be who
you WANT to be, all the rest of the trappings are bright coloured
wrapping on life. Gaudy and just as pointless."
***
Susan laughed wryly, her head tilting. "EarthForce is nothing like the Rangers, Marcus." Rank, file, duties, rights and responsibilities were codified... strictly enforced down to who one could be friends with, who one had to keep at arm's length. That was one of the difficulties she'd had with Marcus-- where was he? Could she, couldn't she?
The gentle pressure on her shoulder brought a smile once more. Given time, she was pretty sure she could easily, and comfortably be held by the Ranger... once the awkwardness was gone. Her voice was quietly bemused, "And in this reinvention of myself, what happens if I find that I don't actually like me? I'm not a telepath... I'm not a civilian... By all rights, I shouldn't even be here, and I sure as hell have nothing to go 'home' to. In fact, the more I'm here, the less I want to go back to a world where I'll probably be tried for treason if I'm caught; a showcase for Clark because they couldn't get at John." She's assuming the destruction of Minbar, but not Earth, thanks to the collaboration of Clark and the Corps with the Shadows. Of course, that begs it's destruction by the Vorlons... but she didn't know about -that- march across the galaxy, taking out any and all taint.
When all is said and done, however, once she's expressed her concerns, her fears, she took a step closer to the Ranger, very near his 'personal space' once more, her lips pressed together in an almost sad grimace. "I don't know how." To let go.
***
He watched her, his face growing more seious as he contemplated what
to say. It was a moment that could quite easily drive her from him
forever, if he didn't watch his step.
"The Susan I know is not defined by title, the Susan I love commands
respect because she gives it to others. What I'm saying, Susan, is
that in our time I was a leader of men, a leader of Rangers, because I
could command them and because I had the title; the commission, if you
want to look at it from a military point of view. But we can be
soldiers without being military. Just as Daniel can be military
without being a soldier. He's a scientist, but he's also a leader.
You can be a leader, without needing the titular Commander rank. And
for that I'll always be grateful that I had the best of people to
learn from."
He hoped that made sense. This camp had it's share of scientists, but
sometimes those scientists needed soldiers to protect them. THAT was
a role they could fulfil.
***
Susan stared at the Ranger for a long moment, her expression turning to something that he'd seen many, many times... that long-suffering, 'he'd just said or done something that will eventually require the utmost control not to shake her head and walk away', but... not in a technically 'bad' way. More... amused bemusement?
She exhaled in relief, her shoulders loosened from the tenseness that the earlier statements had brought to her. A smile crept onto her face again, slightly lopsided, her hand rose to gesture, "I thought--" Susan paused to gather her thoughts and started again, "Marcus, I thought you were telling me... I can do that... I mean... technically, I won't be commissioned for another 240 years. I thought--" He'd sounded like she, essentially, had to reinvent herself, to re-evaluate everything she was and move forward as if her past had never been. "I swear, Marcus... there are times when you sound more Minbari than--"
***
He bit off his first instinctual response, but smiled a little. "I
think like a Minbari, it's required to be able to understand their
language. I wasn't implying you need to change. It's more like you
need to be, now more than ever, truest to yourself in every way that
counts."
He sighed, running a hand through his locks. "We both do, I think.
You're not the only one running away from things, Susan" he stopped
there, there was more he could have said, but he couldn't face up to
some of the truths.
Some of the things he'd witnessed were worth running away from.
***
Susan looked relieved, certainly, her manner and mien all reflected it. This was a fair example of how she just didn't understand the man before her, not until they both worked around the topic at hand. It made working out the kinks in their relationship problematic, at best, but for once, and it could be because the pair were being brutally honest with the other(!), it'd gone further and virtually resolved.
There's a lesson in there somewhere? Nah.
The expression on Marcus' face, though... those blue eyes were filled with the memory of his experiences thus far, and really only now had she truly seen them for what they were... what they held.
She'd crept closer before, at the soft touch at her shoulder, but now? The awkwardness was certainly there, but there was something else that was overriding whatever might stop her. She leaned in to press her lips against his own, her hands flattened against either side of his chest, at the shoulders. It was a soft, brushed kiss, a testing, really, of the waters-- No. It was because she wanted to... nothing more. "I'm not going home."
***
Flustered... no DISTRACTED by the kiss, Marcus almost missed the
whispered words. He marvelled at the warmth of his lips and the
passionate feeling of certainty that flashed through the touch. In
fact, the intensity of her feelings had almost knocked him backwards
onto his ass.
It was only because he was as sure footed as he was that he remained
upright. Blinking at her, he staggered a small amount, but there were
no words.
He couldn't think what to say, he had no response to that warmth that
even now he missed. His eyes were bewildered, but not confused, not
angry, just... enlightened?
***
For her part, it took a great deal more... attention to her own 'shields' so there'd be no bleed through. The man didn't need to be confused as to whose emotions were whose, whose thoughts-- and the reaction only confirmed it.
Susan stood there, the feel of the fabric of the robes under her fingers was warm, and for a long moment, she didn't want the brief second in time to end. She lingered a heartbeat before a ghost of a smile touched her lips, but she wasn't laughing, or mocking... it was pleasure, and her brows raised as she ducked her head ever so slightly as she brushed a bit of something, nothing, from the brown cloth. "Are you okay?"
***
Oh, he was a soldier, but.. this was still a first. Marcus was still
a virgin, he knew it. He'd not only never been with someone, but had
never KISSED or been kissed before.
He smiled a little. "Wow, if it's as good as that with just a
kiss...?" he left the comment dangling, a little breathless as he
contemplated what had happened. "Valen's name, Susan, that was
unexpected!"
***
"I'm--" No. "No, I'm not sorry." Not for kissing him. Unrepentant, Susan stood there, not wanting to back away, and out of range, if only for a moment longer.
She headtilted, the ghosting of a smile still on her lips, as she studied him, her eyes lighting her expression. Unrepentant. "I will apologize for not warning you first. Next time?" Next time? "But I think I like surprises."
***
A fleeting panic lit his eyes. Oh, no, don't say that this Susan
didn't know his... secret? He blushed as he realised she had no idea
he was still a virgin and he didn't know how to explain to her.
But he covered it quickly with a smile. "Well, you might like them
now, but I seem to recall that you never did. I remember the time I..
found a single red rose outside your quarters, left no doubt by some
admirer, and you specifically told me how you despise surprises."
***
Susan looked briefly puzzled. She had thought that it was from him? That was-- "You didn't give it--"
A secret admirer, then? She never would have guessed.
"Roses are my favourite flower." She remembered the event easily. She was feeling Lt. Corwin out to see if he could be trusted in their conspiracy, so she'd invited him over for drinks and a talk, and somehow, roses entered the equation, and she never figured out how.
"In comparison to other people, I welcome them." She'd gone to 'visit' Draal, and he'd expressed... consternation in the surprise. Her dislike of them was mild in comparison to his. "And, we're not on the station anymore, so I don't have the need to know everything that's going on in every section of every sector just incase the shit hits the fan and everyone looks at me to fix it." Though, that was not -quite- true. Her personality was such that it was almost a need, even if the responsibility wasn't there.
Looking at the ground, she sighed, the sound lighter, though, than most times he'd heard in the past, and took a step back, slowly. She lifted her regard again, soon after, however, the smile still easily in place. "Didn't you say you had to go talk to Scott? Or---" She didn't have a problem with him remaining. This, outside the trip on the White Star, was the most time she'd had alone with him... and once certain hurdles were jumped, it was... pleasant.
***
He nodded, wanting to add more, but the fragile start they'd made
would need to be worked on.
"Maybe we could share some dinner tonight, after I finish building my
hut? Or something like that?"
Susan's response was a pleasing "Yes, I'd like that", so Marcus beat a
hasty retreat, trying to find Scott's home and determined to get some
control over his new gift.
When: Day 36, After the rain, after Ah the oblivion
Where: Away from the Camp, so as not to let voices carry...
Invited: Closed
Status: Complete
Susan looked for the Ranger, whether or not he was looking for her. She found him... and the moment her eyes locked, she strode forward, her shoulders squared and her back stiff. There was determination in her manner and mien, no mistaking it for a moment.
"Marcus..."
Before anything could be said, she put her hand up to forestall even the barest of beginnings.
"No... You're going to listen." Unless, of course, he turned and walked away. -That- she wouldn't expect.
"Am I your Susan?" The question, on the surface, was easy... but once more, the commander-without-a-home put up her hand to disallow any response. Rhetorical question, undoubtedly.
"You are the same Marcus I've known for the past... year." Her Marcus. Give or take a couple of months. "You are the most frustrating, maddening, aggravating..." She'd gotten herself worked up on this, even as she allowed herself some thought on the matter after Aeryn left her. "... man I've ever met. From the moment I laid eyes on you, you were trouble. I never, ever knew what to expect of you, couldn't, for the life of me, figure out where you stood in my constructed world." She chuckles quietly, a soft smile coming, if only briefly, "You tried to show me. They were nice pictures of your parents, by the way." Her tones shifted, however, back to the steady, carefully intoned words. "You were... kind to me... made me laugh... took the time to see me, even if I was busy with this negotiation, or that difficulty, no matter what." She paused, her body tense in an attempt to keep herself straight.
"When the station was attacked, we weren't ready. The attempt to bring Babylon 4 back failed, and the Shadows were on the move, attacking the League of Unaligned Worlds planet after planet. We didn't have a chance." Her voice lowered. "You'd gone... I don't know... Minbar, maybe? Somewhere. We were attacked, and..." She swallowed and wiped her misting eyes, but she never dropped that contact for a moment.
"We lost John... we evacuated as many people as we could off the station... and Garibaldi rigged the fusion reactor. I woke up here.... suddenly... alone. Then, I saw you in that pod." She bit her lower lip, as she searched the Ranger's face. This was getting harder as she continued, her voice faltering as she searched for words. "And I thought to myself, 'You'll be okay, Susan... Marcus is here...' See... because... I never thought that you... wouldn't. That it wouldn't. Not if you were here." With her. "If you left me, Marcus, I'd be alone... and I'm not sure I could handle losing you. Not you." She'd dragged a crippled doctor a half mile to the stasis pod to help... had kept vigil to be sure he was okay. Watched over him as he gathered strength.
She took a deep breath and a step back, her hands trailing down and behind her back, fingers linking, as she pressed her lips together. It was said... sort of. The best way she could, the only way she knew how.
**
Marcus smiled a little, blue eyes brightening up. Well, at least she
hadn't asked that he apologise.
He didn't move closer, but didn't move further away, either, just
spoke very quietly. "The only way I could tell you what happened was
to try and distance myself from it. Of course you are the same Susan.
You are the Susan who said 'Who am I? I am Susan Ivanova, Commander,
daughter of Andrei and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right hand of
vengeance, and the boot that is going to kick your sorry ass all the
way back to Earth ... I am Death incarnate, and the last living thing
that you are ever going to see. God sent me.' just before destroying
the last of the shadow hybrids." he paused, then his voice grew to an
almost whisper "just before the debris hit our white star."
He shook his head, the smile still there. "And you're the Susan that
I care about, very deeply. So deeply, I can't even put into Human
words what I mean."
***
No... no apology. But, conversely, Susan wasn't about to apologize either. In her mind, the pair were beyond that, allowing things to remain unsaid... assumed.
But, that was where she'd gone wrong before.
The smile that crept upon the Ranger's face told her that, perhaps, finally, she'd done something right. Had said something right, and it was a relief. It was only truly evident in her stance, however, and her fingers unlaced behind her. Her eyes looked over the man, and a hint of a smile followed suite on her own face as she nodded and looked at the ground for a moment. "Sounds like something I'd say." She'd learned from the best on that one-- Delenn, but in her own style, of course.
Her brows rose at the description of the ships, however, and tilted her head, curiosity and confusion vying for supremacy in her expression. "Shadow... hybrids?"
That thought, however, was blown out of space as the Ranger offered up, on the proverbial silver platter, his feelings on... the entire matter. She paused; one of the few times that she was caught, while not unawares, off-guard and-and-and...
She knew, or rather, she'd guessed, but she was afraid... afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Just as she had earlier that very day. How--
"Marcus... I-I-I..." Well, there's a good start, Susan! If she searched her own soul a little more deeply, how could she really be surprised? She'd said, however, She and her heart aren't on speaking terms. The Ranger had rapidly worked his way into her life, making him one of the few people she could trust... and that number could be counted on one hand. He'd always been at her side, whether by his design or by hers... and if it wasn't her idea, his presence was... comforting. Not that she'd ever have admitted it.
"I'll warn you now, Marcus... I'm horrible at relationships. I-- I've got a pretty bad record." The touch of a smile remained, her tones soft as she looked back to the Ranger. It turned wan, "And there's a reason why the Corps wears gloves." She rarely touched anyone... shields were always more difficult in a flesh to flesh touch. "It's... harder to block." And if he was now an empath? That was a warning on both sides, when given thought.
She took a step closer, however, a change from just a moment ago when she'd stepped back after her opening barrage. "If you're willing to put up with me?"
***
This time the smile grew into a very soft, but infinitely forgiving
laugh. "Willing to put up with you, Susan? If I hadn't been, do you
think I would have stayed around to always catch your flack?" This
time he held up a hand to forstall any argument.
"I know that you remember the 'greeting' I gave you, when we were
talking about Minbari and the language." he smiled tightly, then his
voice reminded her gently "Nuzen felani enaliz medrawn - I
exaggerated." he shrugged slightly, blue eyes dancing. "When I told
you it was a greeting? I didn't tell you the whole truth, because it
was easier. It means that you are the most beautiful woman I've ever
seen."
With that, he let his hands drop to his sides again. "I won't hide
behind Minbari any longer, not with you, at least."
***
Susan looked defensive for a moment, a retort coming to her lips even as Marcus waved his own hand. "Marcus, I--" She wasn't that bad! Instead of the full response, she crossed her arms in front of her and shifted her weight, staring at the Ranger.
Her posture had no hope, however, of remaining defensive as Marcus offered up his next 'confession', and her arms dropped once more. When it came to languages, other than Russian and Interlac, she was hopeless. What could she say to that, other than,
"Thank you," and it left in a soft voice.
"You promised you'd teach me," Susan wasn't above reminding him. While it could easily be explained away as a 'necessity', should they make it 'back', or as a continuance of a promise, the commander filed it away as getting some time and attention. Who knew what'd take the Ranger's attention, once they had more time on the island under their collective belts. She knew she couldn't even begin to guess; she was smarter than to pretend she knew Marcus' mind, much less understand him.
She was good with not having to go back into the discussion regarding... shields and blocks. No help from her could be counted upon. It was bad enough that, should their ... relationship(!) move, his touch would (and could) hold a great deal more than simple warm contact. She'd never met anyone, though, who was more of a paradox. Strong... and gentle, at the same time...
***
Marcus nodded. "If you'll promise to pay attention" he grinned "and
if you promise not to make fun of their ways, then I'll teach you how
to think in Minbari."
He sighed, casting a quick glance to Scott's tent "But there are
apparently other things that I will have to attend to fairly quickly
too."
He looked at her again, eyes meeting eyes "I'm sorry if you think I
kept a secret from you, Susan. The truth is, I had no idea that I had
any telepathic ability. I had nothing like that, when I died. So I
can only assume that something changed between the time I went into
stasis and the time I woke up. I honestly didn't know."
***
"I can't promise," Susan began before pausing, then a sigh exited her lips. "Okay. Thinking like a Minbari, though? I can't even figure out what you're thinking half the time. The other half, I'm wrong." She chuckled softly at her own admission.
For a long moment, she felt... awkward. She hadn't felt like that since, well, the first time. Now that they've laid their cards on the table, what next? She never had a problem with this, but-- she knew the Ranger.
"Marcus?" She wanted to be sure she was understood. She had lots of barriers in place when it came to her ability, and she knew it. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish it on anyone." Slowly but surely, the reasons were stacking up against going 'home', what, with the Corps now potentially in the picture. She nodded, agreeing with the declared 'next move'. "He seems okay... but I want to know everything." She knew what her mother had taught her; what she'd gleaned from her experience with the Corps on the station, from Talia... and on this one bit, she was fully prepared to personally twist heads from bodies should she deem it necessary.
Glancing behind her at the camp, she returned and nodded... that sense of awkwardness returning. Yet another reason to pile on why Marcus just... frustrated her. The pair had their walls, their barriers; that line that one just didn't cross on either side. Still, Susan took one more step closer, into his personal space, put a hand on his shoulder and kissed his cheek, and whispered in his ear, "Be careful."
The admonition complete, the commander straightened up, looked at him again, and smiled. Ice breaker, perhaps?
***
There wasn't a lot more than just the warmth of Susan's lips on his
bearded cheek, but he could sense her concern and was grateful for it.
"You know me, Susan. Always careful, even when there's lives on the
line."
To take the sting out of his words, he smiled; not exactly a mask this
time, but his way of softening the admonition that she was worried
needlessly. However, he really wished she might have left the hand on
his shoulder, it had felt good to let her breach that personal space,
even for a few seconds and now that she'd stepped aside again, he felt
almost bereft of her presence. He scratched at his jaw lightly but
didn't take his gaze away from her. Oh, in the past, he might have
looked away, but not while they were attempting to be honest with each
other.
~Could you really live with me, Susan? Be part of my life? Accept me
for what and who I am?~ Questions he burned to ask her, but instead
he tilted his head slightly "and what about your.. talent? Strikes me
that there's people here you could learn from, do something more
useful with it than hiding it away." He hoped she didn't take umbrage
at him asking her about her teep abilities, but he'd known, or rather
suspected, almost since the moment they met. He'd heard the rumours,
from some of the more vocal commercial teeps that the commander had
been impossible to read... and yet other rumours from Minbari teeps
that reported the same thing, but suspecting something and knowing a
thing were different.
Here, however, there were no psi-cops and no corps, maybe she could
learn to use it as a tool, instead of hiding it now. It could prove
to be an asset, of sorts.
Besides which, if they were returned to their time, the Minbari would
offer to help her; shelter her; train her. There were alternatives to
the corps, just not widely publicised.
***
Even now, though, she couldn't trust telepaths. Ami'd outted her immediately; and how would she know, could she know if she wasn't scanning? Yet the woman denied it to the highest heavens. To Susan, that was a breach of privacy, and while she didn't like the Corps, there were -laws- in place. And it was the laws that she'd held to.
"Even when, hmmm?" She didn't particularly think that her concern was misplaced, and she said as much. "Scott's wife doesn't think twice about passive scanning, Marcus. I don't know if she doesn't know how to block, or if she just thinks it's okay-- or if Dr. Jackson told her to do it. It was the only way she'd know that I'm blocked." In case there was any doubt, let it be dispelled now.
"There's nothing to learn here." There's the stubborn streak. "I won't ever scan you... ever. And... no one will ever have to worry if I'm looking over their casual, unguarded thoughts." Susan paused, however, and her voice canted lower. "If they push... I don't know how strong they are... I don't know if I'd be able to keep them out." Thus, the use of Minbari telepaths when Bester'd gone to the station to investigate Dust. "And it's harder when skin to skin contact is made."
She didn't read Marcus' thoughts, couldn't, and wouldn't, the issue of privacy so burned into her psyche. If she had any inkling of the questions, she'd probably lie awake at night, asking herself the same ones.
Susan shook her head, her expression almost pleading. "Don't... please." She hated her ability, had no desire to do anything with it. "It's because I'm shielded that I couldn't tell what'd happened to you." If she hadn't shut herself up, it wouldn't have required Scott. "And for that, I'm sorry... but I can't..." Won't.
***
Marcus understood, intimately, the fear that he saw in Susan's eyes
and nodded. "And I wouldn't ask you to, if you can't. You
misunderstood when I mentioned it, I think. I only asked about it,
because you have a chance to investigate it without fear. But you've
made your choice, I won't ask you to change it."
He sighed. By Valen this was harder than other people made it seem.
This honesty thing was so very difficult, especially when he caught
drifting emotions from around him. It was times like this he wished
he could ask Susan to teach him how to shield so tightly. But then,
could an empath, who isn't a telepath, truly learn to block like that?
He sighed, glancing up at the blue sky. Then back to Susan. "This is
awkward, isn't it?" he smiled, hoping she understood what he meant.
"I've never tried this hard to be honest and... I think I'm failing
miserably" a little shrug of his shoulders helped to emphasize how out
of his element he was feeling.
***
It wasn't easy for Susan, either. For her, it was forcing her to take stock of who and what she was; she'd been so far removed from her emotions that to be reintroduced to them required a certain formality. She and her heart weren't on a 'first name basis' and hadn't been for some time. But here, the chipping at the wall began, and even she didn't know what lay behind it. Water, as for a dam, or open air and freedom? That 'greener pasture' that everyone always talked about.
She chuckled, the sound soft in the breeze of the beach. He'd accept her, the fear, the doubt; but at one point, she'd have to be sure he understood that it was -only- in regards to the unwanted genetic gift. Beyond that, she was Susan Ivanova, Commander... daughter of Andrei and Sophie Ivanov...
"Yes." There was a slight perk to her shoulders, a spark in her blue eyes as a brow rose. "I could go back to calling you a pain in my ass?" It was in jest, certainly she didn't mean it in the least-- well, there'd be no escaping that there would be occasions when she'd read him the 'riot act' for one thing or another... but not... really. The fear, the concern-- her thoughts on the matter of Marcus Cole, Ranger, were out. Not much left unsaid, except -those- words. She shook her head, the smile still there. "No... you're not. I'm not the easiest audience, I know."
She grew silent a moment, watching the man. He'd bit off potentially a lot more than he could chew with her, and she knew it.
"I'm going to go for a run with John later." That statement served as three-fold. Where she was going, what she was doing, and should Marcus feel a need to wander, she'd be otherwise engaged. The island, apparently, was... strange, and a run would necessitate that she leave the 'safety' of the beach camp to go down the beach.
***
Marcus just nodded in acceptance. He knew she used to run with
Stephen sometimes, and also Garibaldi when he was around, so the idea
of her going for a run with John sounded good. It was also a good way
for her to get the frustration out of her system.
"I should really try and finish my meditation, plus I'd like to run
through a few fighting exercises, I could use a little stretching,
there's a few kinks there that this stasis pod must have introduced."
He smiled foolishly. No, he didn't jog, he'd not be good company for
the two of them. He enjoyed his kata's and the Minbari ones exercised
most parts of his body, allowing him to relax properly, something he'd
not done since awakening.
"Susan?" he asked, looking towards her again "I just want you to know
one thing. I may not be the easiest person to get on with, but now
that rank and position are out of the equation, perhaps you will be
able to understand where I can fit in your life. I'd like that."
***
Susan had yet to work out a schedule of, well, working out. She'd squeezed it in when she could; Stephen's schedule was always wonky, as was the Chief's. Now, with only time on her hand, it would be part of the attempt to keep her from going nuts with boredom. Pineapple juice in a coconut was going to go just so far.
She'd wondered what he did to keep on top of his own training, and once he'd mentionned it, it sounded right. At least to her ears.
Her name called, any hint of being lost in her own thoughts disappeared as she returned her full attention to the man before him. Her smile shifted, only a hint, and she raised a brow. 'Rank and position' was all she'd had for nearly half her life. And now?
She exhaled softly and pressed her lips together as she considered how to approach this particular thorny bit. "I'm a soldier, Marcus. Officer... and have been for nearly half my life." It's going to be a hard enough transition. She opened her mouth to say more, but closed it, her expression pensive. "I used to dream about retirement to civilian life... when I was old and grey. Now, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself." As for how to fit Marcus in, she's... not entirely sure. She laughed softly in a memory, her voice just above a whisper. "I could use another chart."
***
He laughed, eyes sparkling with simple mirth "You don't need a chart.
Besides, here I couldn't draw one, I don't know where everyone else
fits in, yet." he paused, canting his head to the side, then gently
reached over to lay his hand on her covered shoulder. "I've been a
soldier for most of my life, Susan, yet never needed rank or position
to define my life. You can be a soldier, without them. Just be who
you WANT to be, all the rest of the trappings are bright coloured
wrapping on life. Gaudy and just as pointless."
***
Susan laughed wryly, her head tilting. "EarthForce is nothing like the Rangers, Marcus." Rank, file, duties, rights and responsibilities were codified... strictly enforced down to who one could be friends with, who one had to keep at arm's length. That was one of the difficulties she'd had with Marcus-- where was he? Could she, couldn't she?
The gentle pressure on her shoulder brought a smile once more. Given time, she was pretty sure she could easily, and comfortably be held by the Ranger... once the awkwardness was gone. Her voice was quietly bemused, "And in this reinvention of myself, what happens if I find that I don't actually like me? I'm not a telepath... I'm not a civilian... By all rights, I shouldn't even be here, and I sure as hell have nothing to go 'home' to. In fact, the more I'm here, the less I want to go back to a world where I'll probably be tried for treason if I'm caught; a showcase for Clark because they couldn't get at John." She's assuming the destruction of Minbar, but not Earth, thanks to the collaboration of Clark and the Corps with the Shadows. Of course, that begs it's destruction by the Vorlons... but she didn't know about -that- march across the galaxy, taking out any and all taint.
When all is said and done, however, once she's expressed her concerns, her fears, she took a step closer to the Ranger, very near his 'personal space' once more, her lips pressed together in an almost sad grimace. "I don't know how." To let go.
***
He watched her, his face growing more seious as he contemplated what
to say. It was a moment that could quite easily drive her from him
forever, if he didn't watch his step.
"The Susan I know is not defined by title, the Susan I love commands
respect because she gives it to others. What I'm saying, Susan, is
that in our time I was a leader of men, a leader of Rangers, because I
could command them and because I had the title; the commission, if you
want to look at it from a military point of view. But we can be
soldiers without being military. Just as Daniel can be military
without being a soldier. He's a scientist, but he's also a leader.
You can be a leader, without needing the titular Commander rank. And
for that I'll always be grateful that I had the best of people to
learn from."
He hoped that made sense. This camp had it's share of scientists, but
sometimes those scientists needed soldiers to protect them. THAT was
a role they could fulfil.
***
Susan stared at the Ranger for a long moment, her expression turning to something that he'd seen many, many times... that long-suffering, 'he'd just said or done something that will eventually require the utmost control not to shake her head and walk away', but... not in a technically 'bad' way. More... amused bemusement?
She exhaled in relief, her shoulders loosened from the tenseness that the earlier statements had brought to her. A smile crept onto her face again, slightly lopsided, her hand rose to gesture, "I thought--" Susan paused to gather her thoughts and started again, "Marcus, I thought you were telling me... I can do that... I mean... technically, I won't be commissioned for another 240 years. I thought--" He'd sounded like she, essentially, had to reinvent herself, to re-evaluate everything she was and move forward as if her past had never been. "I swear, Marcus... there are times when you sound more Minbari than--"
***
He bit off his first instinctual response, but smiled a little. "I
think like a Minbari, it's required to be able to understand their
language. I wasn't implying you need to change. It's more like you
need to be, now more than ever, truest to yourself in every way that
counts."
He sighed, running a hand through his locks. "We both do, I think.
You're not the only one running away from things, Susan" he stopped
there, there was more he could have said, but he couldn't face up to
some of the truths.
Some of the things he'd witnessed were worth running away from.
***
Susan looked relieved, certainly, her manner and mien all reflected it. This was a fair example of how she just didn't understand the man before her, not until they both worked around the topic at hand. It made working out the kinks in their relationship problematic, at best, but for once, and it could be because the pair were being brutally honest with the other(!), it'd gone further and virtually resolved.
There's a lesson in there somewhere? Nah.
The expression on Marcus' face, though... those blue eyes were filled with the memory of his experiences thus far, and really only now had she truly seen them for what they were... what they held.
She'd crept closer before, at the soft touch at her shoulder, but now? The awkwardness was certainly there, but there was something else that was overriding whatever might stop her. She leaned in to press her lips against his own, her hands flattened against either side of his chest, at the shoulders. It was a soft, brushed kiss, a testing, really, of the waters-- No. It was because she wanted to... nothing more. "I'm not going home."
***
Flustered... no DISTRACTED by the kiss, Marcus almost missed the
whispered words. He marvelled at the warmth of his lips and the
passionate feeling of certainty that flashed through the touch. In
fact, the intensity of her feelings had almost knocked him backwards
onto his ass.
It was only because he was as sure footed as he was that he remained
upright. Blinking at her, he staggered a small amount, but there were
no words.
He couldn't think what to say, he had no response to that warmth that
even now he missed. His eyes were bewildered, but not confused, not
angry, just... enlightened?
***
For her part, it took a great deal more... attention to her own 'shields' so there'd be no bleed through. The man didn't need to be confused as to whose emotions were whose, whose thoughts-- and the reaction only confirmed it.
Susan stood there, the feel of the fabric of the robes under her fingers was warm, and for a long moment, she didn't want the brief second in time to end. She lingered a heartbeat before a ghost of a smile touched her lips, but she wasn't laughing, or mocking... it was pleasure, and her brows raised as she ducked her head ever so slightly as she brushed a bit of something, nothing, from the brown cloth. "Are you okay?"
***
Oh, he was a soldier, but.. this was still a first. Marcus was still
a virgin, he knew it. He'd not only never been with someone, but had
never KISSED or been kissed before.
He smiled a little. "Wow, if it's as good as that with just a
kiss...?" he left the comment dangling, a little breathless as he
contemplated what had happened. "Valen's name, Susan, that was
unexpected!"
***
"I'm--" No. "No, I'm not sorry." Not for kissing him. Unrepentant, Susan stood there, not wanting to back away, and out of range, if only for a moment longer.
She headtilted, the ghosting of a smile still on her lips, as she studied him, her eyes lighting her expression. Unrepentant. "I will apologize for not warning you first. Next time?" Next time? "But I think I like surprises."
***
A fleeting panic lit his eyes. Oh, no, don't say that this Susan
didn't know his... secret? He blushed as he realised she had no idea
he was still a virgin and he didn't know how to explain to her.
But he covered it quickly with a smile. "Well, you might like them
now, but I seem to recall that you never did. I remember the time I..
found a single red rose outside your quarters, left no doubt by some
admirer, and you specifically told me how you despise surprises."
***
Susan looked briefly puzzled. She had thought that it was from him? That was-- "You didn't give it--"
A secret admirer, then? She never would have guessed.
"Roses are my favourite flower." She remembered the event easily. She was feeling Lt. Corwin out to see if he could be trusted in their conspiracy, so she'd invited him over for drinks and a talk, and somehow, roses entered the equation, and she never figured out how.
"In comparison to other people, I welcome them." She'd gone to 'visit' Draal, and he'd expressed... consternation in the surprise. Her dislike of them was mild in comparison to his. "And, we're not on the station anymore, so I don't have the need to know everything that's going on in every section of every sector just incase the shit hits the fan and everyone looks at me to fix it." Though, that was not -quite- true. Her personality was such that it was almost a need, even if the responsibility wasn't there.
Looking at the ground, she sighed, the sound lighter, though, than most times he'd heard in the past, and took a step back, slowly. She lifted her regard again, soon after, however, the smile still easily in place. "Didn't you say you had to go talk to Scott? Or---" She didn't have a problem with him remaining. This, outside the trip on the White Star, was the most time she'd had alone with him... and once certain hurdles were jumped, it was... pleasant.
***
He nodded, wanting to add more, but the fragile start they'd made
would need to be worked on.
"Maybe we could share some dinner tonight, after I finish building my
hut? Or something like that?"
Susan's response was a pleasing "Yes, I'd like that", so Marcus beat a
hasty retreat, trying to find Scott's home and determined to get some
control over his new gift.