HiatusSurvival: Week Twenty
HAPPY HALLOWEEN BBS! I HOPE YOU ARE ALL HAVING A SPOOKTACULAR WEEK - AND PLAN ON GETTING REALLY DRUNK AND/OR STONED AND TOTALLY PRETENDING YOU ARE LAURA ROSLIN TONIGHT. OF COURSE, I DO THAT EVERY NIGHT - BUT I CAN HARDLY EXPECT YOU ALL TO KEEP UP WITH ME NOW CAN I?
I AM BACK - YES, I KNOW YOU MISSED ME, DON’T DENY IT. I’M FABULOUS, AND EASILY MISSED! AND IS IT ONLY COINCIDENCE THAT AS SOON AS I COME BACK, WE GET PROMO PICS OF MARY PLAYING DOCTOR? I THINK NOT - IT IS THE POWER OF GIDGET I TELL YOU. NOW IF ONLY I COULD CONTROL IT AND MAKE THE PROMO APPEAR…..
BUT WHATEVER, IF I THINK ABOUT THE PROMO FOR TOO LONG I START TO STROKE OUT FROM RAGE SO WE’LL JUST MOVE ON THE MKAY?
COUNT EM UP BITCHES, WE HAVE A TOTAL OF ELEVEN WEEKS LEFT UNTIL BSG. SEVENTY SEVEN DAYS. ONE THOUSADN, EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY EIGHT HOURS, GIVE OR TAKE DEPENDING ON TIME ZONE. BUT THAT? IS TOTALLY DOABLE. (MUCH LIKE BILL.) WE ARE SO GONNA MAKE IT BBS!
AND TO HELP US ALONG, WE HAVE OUR EPISODE RE-WATCH. THIS WEEK IS THE FABULOUS ‘A DAY IN THE LIFE’!!! RON MOORE SORT OF HATED THIS EPISODE, BUT THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE HE DIDN’T SEE THE REAL STORY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING.
The Legend of Creepy Bitches
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, on a planet far, far away - there lived a bitch. Not the fun kind, either, she was srsly a bitch - and possibly an alcoholic and terrible Mom. Then one day, the worlds exploded, and she died.
True story.
But then, she became the Creepy Bitch - haunting exes everywhere, when they least suspected it.
This is her story. And by hers, I mean the ex she’s haunting - because why would anyone want to hear a story just about her. LOOK AT HER. *shudders* Ugh.
NARRATOR: One morning, Bill was sleeping in his rack, dreaming pleasant NC-17 rated dreams of his true love Laura. I’m talking sweaty, dirty, up against the bulkhead type sex dreams, where he can maintain an erection for hours and Laura seems to be testing just HOW many orgasms one woman can have in a row without dying.
What?
I never said this was a CHILDREN’S story people!
Anyway, Bill was arousing from a pleasant sleep when all of a sudden….
BILL: *SCREAMS*
NARRATOR: Ah yes. Creepy Bitch. Because today was Halloween his anniversary, the one day of the year the Creepy Bitch was able to enter his mind and torment him. She really wished it could be for all eternity, but frankly, the writers of this story do not hate Bill that much. SO BACK THE FUCK OFF CREEPY BITCH.
NARRATOR: naturally, Bill was terrified upon waking up this way - who wouldn’t be. Again - HAVE YOU LOOKED AT HER? So he struggled to get out of bed and put on his - yeah, you know, why pretend. I, the Narrator totally just put this shot in for the arm!porn. Hey, I’m just trying to make up for the vast amounts of Creepy Bitch we’ll see in this story. Mmmmmmm… arm!porn….
*ahem*
Anyway, moving on…
NARRATOR: Where was I? Ah yes, Bill was scared. Look at the poor boy - he looks like he could use a stiff drink. Bill stared into the mirror, contemplating just how much he hated Halloween his anniversary. It had been twenty years since he divorced that Creepy Bitch - and he couldn’t believe she STILL got to haunt him.
BILL: The frak? Shouldn’t there be a statuate of limitations or something?
NARRATOR: Srsly. But not according to the Gods. Sorry, Bill.
BILL; *shrugs* Meh, it’s not your fault.
NARRATOR: Just then, Bill’s good friend Saul entered the room.
SAUL: Bill! What the frak are we doing this in your bathroom for?
BILL: I dunno. Probably I’m so upset by my visit from the Creepy Bitch I’m just meeting you wherever.
SAUL: Oh is it Halloween already?
BILL: No. It’s my anniversary.
SAUL: Whatever, sign here.
CREEPY BITCH: He’s mine! MINE! YOU CANNOT HAVE HIM! OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOHHHHH! *waves creepy fingers*
SAUL: Gaius Christ! What in the frak was that?!
BILL: Oh just the Creepy Bitch.
SAUL: That was the ugliest thing I ever seen in my life! You know, Lee really does take after her. Heh.
BILL: Saul….
SAUL: Anyway, you dumb Creepy Bitch - the frak are you warning me away for? I’m just his XO.
CREEPY BITCH: Well, you HAVE been together for like, thirty years. I assumed he was so devastated by my loss, you both decided to… you know… *waves creepy fingers*
BILL: *snorts* As if -
SAUL: Yeah, that’s what he’s got the frakking President for. Eh, Bill?! Anyway I’m off to do unimportant things… or sthng. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
CREEPY BITCH: The President?! Who’s the President?!
BILL: *watches Saul leave* I hatchoo so much, man.
SAUL: *laughs*
BILL: Um, listen Creepy Bitch - it’s like this. The President is - she’s, I mean it’s not that we’re -
CREEPY BITCH: TAKE ME TO HER NOW OR I WILL FIND A LOOPHOLE AND HAUNT YOU FOREVER!
NARRATOR: Now the last thing dear Bill wanted was to have this Bitch hanging around forever - hello, way to kill the mood much? So he reluctantly did as she asked - and took her to see the President. He felt an odd sense of anticipation and fear as he entered the room.
BILL: Good to see you Laura.
LAURA: You too, Bill. Although I DID just ‘see’ you last night - sorry I had to leave early but I figured what with today being Halloween, you’d want to be alone.
BILL: My anniversary, you mean.
LAURA: Whatevs. Is she around?
CREEPY BITCH: He’s mine! MINE! YOU CANNOT HAVE HIM! OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOHHHHH! *waves creepy fingers*
LAURA: Wow. I mean - wow! I totally didn’t believe you when you told me the legend.
CREEPY BITCH: Yes, I exist. NOW BACK THE FRAK OFF.
LAURA: *laughs* AS IF. You divorced HIM, which is a whole lot of not my frakking problem. Oh Bill - look! I knew you’d be down today so I wore the boob shirt! Perhaps I can distract you with how it hugs my breasts?
BILL: I don’t know - isn’t it a bit weird what with her right here?
CREEPY BITCH: Yes! Yes it is weird!
LAURA: Ha, no totally not even a bit. She’s dead! Come on. Just look, you know it’ll make you happy. I mean, look at how happy all the fangurls are.
NARRATOR: The fangurls were indeed, happy. As was the Narrator.
BILL: *stares* You know, I DO feel better. Thanks, Laura.
LAURA: No problem BB! Hey - are you busy today? Because I have nothing to do but sit in this empty room all day, and you know, we haven’t done it in here yet -
CREEPY BITCH: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
YOU HAVE TO GO SEE LEE ANYWAY.
AND STAY AWAY FROM HIM, YOU WHORE!
NARRATOR: The last thing Bill wanted to do was see Lee - and who could blame him? But the Creepy Bitch's powers were too strong for him to fight, so he was dragged down the hall to visit his emo loser of a son.
BILL: Do I have to go?
CREEPY BITCH: YES! He is you son!
BILL: Huh, so YOU say.
BILL: Oh hay Lee… um, what’s up with you?
LEE: Wah wah wah wah - wah wah wah wah. Wah wah. Wah wah wah……
Wah wah wah wah wah.
Wah!!! Wah wah wah wha wha wha wha?!!
BILL: Aw, cheer up emo kid. Hay! Your Mom’s here.
LEE: Is it Halloween already?
BILL: ANNIVERSARY. GODS!
CREEPY BITCH: Aww how is my itty bitty wittle Weeland doing? Momma misses you SO MUCH.
LEE: *stares uncomfortably*
CREEPY BITCH: And did you miss you Mommy? OF COURSE YOU DID! OF COURSE YOU DID!
LEE: Uh…. I - *klaxons sounds* Oh look, crisis! Thank Gods, hopefully it’s some Cylons. Gotta go!
NARRATOR: Indeed it wasn’t Cylons - well, technically it was because the crisis INVOLED a Cylon but nobody knew he was a Cylon so you know, they wanted to save him. Had they known we could have saved a lot of time and just airlocked him then, but that’s a different story. It was a crisis so contrived that one wondered exactly what form of New Caprican weed the writers were smoking when they came up with it. God forbid should a Day in Bill’s Life actually reflect a boring day in his life - gotta eke that tension out somehow. Anyway… Bill and Lee made their way to the CIC. Hey! I’m a poet and I didn’t know it!
SAUL: Seriously? I gave up my mid-morning drunk for this?!
BILL: You REALLY want to bitch to me today? REALLY?
CREEPY BITCH: Oh you LOVE today Bill, don’t deny it. You wait for this all year -
BILL: The frak I do. Now I have to go airlock two of my employees to save their lives. It’s kind of tense. DO YOU MIND?
NARRATOR: And he did indeed airlock those two and save them. Ironically one of them got airlocked later anyway and the other turned out to be a crazy Cylon who shaved his head and generally went insane, so it all seems a bit of a waste of time in retrospect. But hindsight is 20/20, as they say. Anyway, Bill spent the day in an airlock control room (much less fun than the last time her was in there - Laura had dragged him down there at 2 A.M. and told him she really wanted to press the button. Repeatedly.) The day dragged on, but eventually Bill made his way home - grateful that Halloween his anniversary was almost over.
BILL: *sigh* I need a drink.
NARRATOR: Then Lee entered, to confront his father on some long-buried issues.
LEE: So, you think just because SHE’S around, you can out-emo me?!
BILL: Oh please kid, I don’t need her around to out emo you.
CREEPY BITCH: HELLO?! I am RIGHT here. And Lee, I already saw you - now I only have a few minutes left to torture your Father. GTFO.
LEE: Whatevs. Did you not see my awesome emo in the face of Kara’s sudden marriage? It was BEAUTIFUL. You just can’t top that.
CREEPY BITCH: Stop ignoring me. I AM RIGHT HERE.
BILL: Ha, watch me! I’m gonna out emo you so bad you’re going to be crying for DAYS bitch!
CREEPY BITCH: BILL?! BILL!!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!
BILL: Wah wah wah wah - wah wah wah. Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.
Wah.
Wah wah wah! Wash. *sigh* Wah.
CREEPY BITCH: NO! LOOK AT ME BILL! LOOK AT ME!!!
NARRATOR: But Bill would not - he was far too preoccupied in his ongoing emo war with his son. Lee CAN be useful sometimes, kids - totally the moral BTW. Anyway, due to being ignored, Caroline - Anne - Carolanne - fuck it - the Creepy Bitch melted away FOREVER.
CREEPY BITCH: WHAT?! THAT STUPID. JUST GETTING IGNORED ISN’T GOING TO……. WHAT THE HELL? I’M MELTING! MEEEEEELLLLLTIIINNNGGGGG! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
BBBBBBBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!
NARRATOR: *steps over puddle* Ew. Bill felt a sudden sense of relief, and elation. And Lee felt a sudden sense of loss - not of the only mother he’s known, because he totally has Laura to awesome up that title, but he felt a sense of loss at his emo!champ status, slipping away.
LEE: Fine. You win. I’m leaving - but this was only a battle old man. You haven’t won the war. I WILL OUT EMO YOU IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!
NARRATOR: and if it is the last thing he does, please let that happen soon. Meanwhile, Bill was so happy that the Creepy Bitch had gone, he decided to go see Laura, and possibly get a better look at those breasts.
LAURA: Oh hay Bill! I have a book for you. And by ‘book’ I totally mean blowjob. I know you had a rough day, so I figured you deserved a little treat.
BILL; ………
LAURA: This carpet KILLS my knees.
BILL: Ungh……
LAURA: Mmmhmmmph….
BILL: Laura!!!!!
LAURA: *licks her lips* There. Feeling better?
BILL: That was just what I needed.
LAURA: Oh I know it, I AM rather talented.
BILL: I love you.
LAURA: I love you too. So this means she’s gone, right?
BILL: Totally. For good too, according to the Narrator.
NARRATOR: And I am never wrong. I know all.
LAURA: Oh rly? What happens next then Narrator?
NARRATOR: I can’t tell you that! Temporal Prime Directive!
Oh. Wait.
Wrong show.
Well, tonight you’re gonna go back to Bill’s cabin and reminisce about getting high and he’ll return the favour you just gave him. He’s quite talented with his tongue too you know, plus he had this really great dream he wanted to try out in reality.
LAURA: is that true, Bill?
BILL: *pauses to remember this morning's dream*
Totally. Best dream ever.
LAURA: Well then let’s go BB! You need to get down on this!
NARRATOR: And they lived semi-happily ever after. It was more porntastic than fairytale - but who’s complaining?
*crickets*
That’s right, no one.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
UH, I MEAN HAPPY BILL’S ANNIVERSARY!
AND THERE YOU GO, A SCARY BSG TALE OF WOE AND PORN. YA KNOW, IF MORE SCARY STORIES HAD PORN, I’D BE MORE INTO THE GENRE I THINK. ANYWAY I DECIDED NOT TO PRESSURE OURSELVES WITH A COMMENT!CHALLENGE THIS WEEK. THIS WEEK, YOUR ONLY JOB IS TO FLAIL, GOT IT BITCHES/ RIGHT AFTER THIS RECAP OF WHAT HAPPENED IN FANDOM WHILE I WAS AWAY.
Fic
Through a Glass, Lightly: The Enemies Amongst Us, VII by katamaran78
By Your Command, VIII by max38
And Sometimes by karuri
Hard Landing by i_am_davnee
Blame It on the Meds by i_am_davnee
Beautiful In Her Armour, IV by mscrwth
No Man’s Land, Missing Chapter by franglaisy & narciscia
Dying by nnaylime
The Adamas by unavitasegreta
Through a Glass, Lightly: Saints and Sinners, I by katamaran78
Breaking Bread (Other Times) by i_am_davnee
All the Lovely Things by garbo_esque
New Life, New Caprica, VIII by karuri
The Day After Next by unavitasegreta
No Confidence by zinke
***
Icons, graphics, etc….
icons by be_lanna
icons by angiescully
Revelations Picspam I, II, III by misstaggart
icons by icoffeei
icons by triniroslin15
icons, header, wallpaper by yokana_yanovick
The Hub Fanmix by nnaylime
icons by vordogh
***
AND HERE’S MARY, DRESSED LIKE A DOCTOR TO FINISH YOU ALL OFF.
DOCTOR, DOCTOR, GIVE THE NEWS - I GOTTA BAD CASE OF LOVING YOU!
SO ARE YOU READY? GET SET -
FLAIL MY PRETTIES! FLAIL, FLAIL!!!! *CACKLES EVULLY*