If I Died, Would You Cry For Me
Title: If I died, would you cry for me.
Pairings: OnKey
Rating: pg-13 [warning, character death]
Genre: romance....?
A/N: influenced by a msn conversation i had. and the character Gustad in the book Such a Long Journey. its weird..... xD but i like it :] thou i wish i could write fluffy better T_T
Summary: Onew doesn't cry but will he for Key?
If I died, would you cry for me
"Hyung its okay to cry, Kibum umma wouldn't laugh at you this time," Taemin-ah said to me.
I stared blankly at your beautiful face. Even if you're stone cold now, you still look like an angel. Beside me Jonghyun kneeled, tears coming down in streams.
"Kibum-ah...why...*hic*...why....did you leave...so early...*hic*," Jonghyun was crying so hard, he wasn't able to speak properly.
Taemin-ah was strong, but he cried too. Minho led him and Jonghyun out. Its just me and you now.
"Kibum, I miss you....do you know?
Who's going to scream at us with that spatula in your hands.
Who's going to tell us to eat more, tell us to dress warmly because it's cold outside,
Who...." I can only stare now, you don't hear my pleas anymore.
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(i)
"Yah! Onew! Aren't you HAPPY?!"
"Of course I am Kibum, why are you yelling?"
"If you're happy, SHOW IT! See Jonghyun-ah isn't afriad to let his emotions out," you shouted and pointed to Jonghyun who was crying in a corner. Taemin and Minho huddled around him.
We had just won our first mutizen award, and Jonghyun had been tearing since the ceremony.
"I dont' need tears to show that I'm happy."
"Hmph!" And you walked away, unpleased about my answer.
The truth is I am happy, and I want to cry. But the tears they won't fall.
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(ii)
"Son, Jinki...Promise you're appa something?"
"Hmm?" I looked up to my appa's face. He was crying but I didn't know why, I was too young.
"Men don't cry," He said that to me, and then left me.
My umma told me that appa was going to work overseas, so I just told appa that he should come to visit me soon. I didn't know that they were getting divorced.
Again, when you're young, you're at an disadvantage - adults hide you from the harshness of reality.
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(iii)
It was late, and everyone else was sleeping. We also had an early and busy schedule the next day, but I couldn't sleep. Today was the day appa had left, I still remember it clearly. My heart felt heavy, his prescence surrounded me. I kept remembering back to that day. I only wished that I was that age again.
I looked up at the sky, "Appa, why did you go. You said men don't cry, but you cried that day, why?"
I didn't find out what really happened until last year. Appa had left because he didn't want Umma and me to worry and fret over him. He had cancer, he died a year after he left.
And I found out last year, 10 years after he passed away. Umma had finally sent me a letter explaining everything. She was too afraid to tell me, so instead of spoken words, she wrote them.
Lee Jinki,
Umma has something to tell you, I should've told you sooner, but I was too afriad. Please don't hate me for all the lies and truths I've kept from you. You remember that day Appa had left? We had told you that he was leaving for work, and then I lied again saying we were getting divorce? Well about a month later I had found out he had been diagnosed with cancer. I didn't know what to do. You were so young, and still thought that Appa was going to come back to see you. I cried alone, I wanted you to be happy. But I don't know if I should had kept it from you. Forgive you're umma. Appa's memorial is soon, will you be there?
I miss you Jinki, please forgive me. Umma only wanted the best for you because she loves you. Remember to eat regularily, dress warmly. Umma is so proud of you, her son is standing on stage singing. I remember to watch all your shows, and I have all your songs. Be a great leader! You are my shining star, I love you Jinki.
Love,
Umma
I had read and reread that letter so many times that day, and even more afterwards. I willed myself not to cry, because of what my appa said to me. I won't cry, no not over the fact my appa left me, so foolishly. He had hurt my umma so painfully, all for his own selfish reason. He was a coward for facing death alone, thinking he would hurt us. I had thought of many reasons to hate him, but I still went to the memorial.
Umma broke down right away. I held her close, my shirt drenched in tears. But I shed no tears of my own. My face was frozen throughout the memorial.
No one else knew. The others hadn't even known about the letter. The letter that I've memorised, every word.
I stood with my back against the wall. The moonlight shone in from the window, casting a shadow dimly on my face.
"Men don't cry. Don't cry Jinki." I whispered to myself.
"Hmm...?" I heard a sound, turned and saw you standing there.
"Kibum? Why are you still awake?"
"Shouldn't I be asking you that? And why are you wearing so little! You'll catch a cold!" I laughed. Kibum was band umma, and even now you were doing your job.
"Its okay, I'm not cold."
"Yah!" you scowled at me, and drapped your sweater over me. "Wear it, I'll get us some hot water." You looked at me with a face that translated as 'do as I say or else', and walked away to the kitchen.
I slid down to the ground, back still against the wall. I wore Kibum's sweater. It smelled like him, and it made me all fuzzy inside. It felt nice. I closed my eyes, and just took take this all in - the silence, the moonligh, Appa's prescence and the feeling of Kibum.
"Jinki..." You whispered to me.
"Mmm...?" I hadn't opened my eyes, but I heard shuffling - Kibum sat down beside me, his back against the window.
"Sleepy?" You handed me a cup.
"No, just thinking. Thank you," The water was warm, I saw the steam.
"What's on your mind?"
I opened my eyes, and found you staring at me. I stared into your eyes, and saw the sincerity. I've never told anyone my story, and I had to be sure that I could tell someone.
"I've never told anyone this, and I don't want you to tell anyone else. Promise me that?"
"Of course Jinki, Come on let it out, you'll feel better." You gave a small smile. You were really concerned about me.
So I told you my story. Everything, from the beginning - the day appa left, the lie umma told, the dream to sing, the letter, the memorial. It seemed like I had been talking for a long time, the water had cooled down. As I talked I zoned out, focusing only on telling my story. I hadn't even realized that I turned away from you and had closed my eyes, until I opened them again and saw that I was facing the window.
I looked down at my cup, afraid to look up at you.
"Jinki..."
"Yeah...?"
"I didn't know, I'm sorry -"
"Don't be, no one knows....," I looked up, your face in shock, worry filled your eyes, "but you. Thank you Kibum, thank you for listening."
"Thank you for telling me. You can talk to me you know?"
I smiled, "But, Jinki-ah, can I ask you something?"
"What is it?"
"You never said anything about you crying .... did you?"
"Oh...no I didn't cry. I won't cry," I looked up at the sky again, "because my appa told me 'men don't cry' and he was crying when he left us. I won't cry, not for a coward that left us." My voice was strong but I wasn't mad nor did I hate appa.
My eyes lingered at the moon, zoned out again. I didn't hear you move, until your arms wrapped around me, embracing me in a hug. I looked down and saw your smooth auburn hair. I breathed you in - honey and lemon - the smell of your shampoo.
I held you tight, enjoying your company. You started to shudder, please don't cry.
"Kibum? whats wrong?"
"I'm sorry for all the times I scolded you about your emotions." your voice was varely audible but I heard. I didn't have an answer, instead I gave you a squeeze and stroked your arm.
"Don't cry...." was all I could muster out.
We stayed like this for a while longer, even if you stopped crying. It felt right to be hugged and to be hugging you. You pushed away all other thoughs of appa, instead you replaced them.
I thought you had fallen asleep, when you stirred from my arms. You looked up at me, you face was still damp, eyes glistening. And then you closed them, tears lingered on your eyelashs. Your faced moved closesr and closer, till your lips brushed agaisnt mine.
Unknowingly I had closed my eyes, and simply took in the feeling of your lips.
A moment later, they broke away, and the air fell silent, frozen in time.
You looked at me - seriously- looking for an answer. But I didn't know anything then. I was new to this feeling from inside.
So I smiled my goofy smile. You stared, but returned the smile soon after.
We stayed silent, purely enjoying each other's company. However, your umma like instincts came back and we hurried back to the room, careful not to wake the others up.
Before we went in, you stopped and turned back to me. I was shocked and almost fell, but you caught hold of my hand in time.
I chuckled and straigtened up, "Why did you stop?"
"Jinki, can you promise me one thing?"
"What is it?"
"Just say you'll promise me,"
"...Okay,"
"Promise me you'll break your appa's promise when the time comes."
I stared back at you, you eyes said it all - you were serious. But then your faced softened, and you smiled again.
"It's a promise,"
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(iv)
Years later, life was playing a cruel trick on me again.
I had deja vu...
'Why?' I kept asking myself. I blamed myself for all the times where I could've been a better leader, taking better care of you.
WHY? What had I done wrong....
"Kim Kibum, Why didn't you TELL ME!" I screamed at him. I didn't care about hiding anything anymore.
"............"
'So you still won't tell me? Fine' I walked over to where you stood and grabbed your arms, dragging you with me into one of the rooms.
*BAM*
"Jinki...you'll break it..." you whispered.
"I DON'T CARE. THATS NOT IMPORTANT.!"
"WHY KIBUM?! WHY!? -"
"I -"
"No you listen to me, since you won't tell me anything." There was evident anger, and I had to unleash everything.
"Why Kibum. You KNOW this already happened to me once, and really don't I need to live through it a second time. Or were you planning to be like appa and
leave us. Even the management knew, why not me? I thought you could trust me. Obviously not enough to tell me that you have CANCER!"
"........................"
"We're you planning to have the managment send us a letter? Like umma? Kibum I know you're not selfish, so why now? Do you really think that handling this on
your own would hurt us less? Don't be like appa. Please I'm begging you...." I had already fallen to my knees, my body felt drained. I couldn't yell at you
anymore. Too much energy wasted to keep the tears from falling.
"Did you know, how I felt when I overheard people talking about you? I thought it was a joke, but no I had to check. The doctors said yes, I thought I was going
to cry right there and then. Kibum, please don't hurt yourself, don't hide from us, from me. Please..."
*sobs* You were crying.
I looked up and saw the tears roll down your crimson face. Oh how I hated myself now.
I stood up and ran to you; embraced you like there was no tomorrow.
You stood, unmoved, and just cried. I didn't know what to do.
'Don't leave me like appa....'
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(v)
But you did.
Atleast we knew,
atleast you didn't run,
atleast I was there to see you breath your last breath.
Your frail and cold fingers grasped around mine, and I felt whatever warmth that was leftover slowly leave you. How I wish I could give you all my warmth, give
you my strength.
But I couldn't.
"Jinki....." *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* and the heart beat moniter went dead.
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I hold your frozen hands now, while you lay asleep.
Your face still as lovely as before, but whiter than every.
I kneel beside you, alone...
"I love you"
And the promise was broken.