Havent spoke in a while
SO it has been a while since I posted in my blog. I just feel as if though this is a good outlet for me to vent some of my frustration. I am quite positive no one reads this thing anymore so it is even better. I have been feeling as if my anxiety is going to make me implode these last few weeks. The stress of everyday life has been so hard for me these past few weeks and I am not really sure why. I have my theories but I can't be quite sure. All i know is that I miss feeling excited about my life and the place I am in.
Being a mother has been one of the most rewarding, demanding, uplifting and horrifying experiences of my life. I have never known love before like the love I have for my daughter. I would do anything just to see her little face smile up at me. Knowing she knows that I am her mama and seeing her face light up when she sees me really makes my life so worthwhile. I know that soon these days of idolizing mommy will fade and before I know it she will be off on her own, I am just basking in the happiness that she brings to my life. With everything in life though, nothing is just easy. Having a baby is so demanding financially, emotionally and physically. I am so exhausted on a daily basis. I went from never having a cup of coffee to feeling like I cannot function without it. I was never savvy at financial matters and having a child just makes that more clear. Emotionally I feel like I am on a roller coasted every day. I love feeling that connection with her but at the same time I am so fearful that I am not doing the right thing. That I am missing a step that I am not giving her all the stimulation that she needs that I am not feeding her the right things, that I am not getting her clothes clean quick enough, that her room isn't clean enough, that the floors she is crawling on are dirty. I feel like no matter where she is or what she is doing I am never just enjoying her, somewhere in the back of my mind I have like 5 worries hovering over me. I don't know how to get that feeling to go away.
Steven and I are having a lot of ups and downs. Its weird because I have complete faith in him and I have never trusted anyone the way I trust him. Which is scary but exciting at the same time. I just feel that sometimes we are just playing the rolls in which we think we were meant to play, but then other times I really feel a connection with him. Just a few weeks ago at his cousins wedding I felt so elated. I really felt that him and I were as solid as they came. That we were going to get through all of this trouble and come out on top in the end. Now just a few weeks later I am worrying that we are just going to make it through until tomorrow. It sucks too because I don't have anyone to turn to. My friends have literally evaporated from my life. I am sure I had something to do with it, but I am begining to realize that a lot of the people from my past that I entrusted with my love never really cared for it. I was just another person to them. It hurts a lot to realize these people that really meant something to you, didn't really care for you at all. I am worried that Steven feels the same way. The last thing I want is for him to think I am self conscious, because I know that will drive him a way. So i put on a good face when he says he loves me and everything. It just I don't get that connection that feeling when someone looks in your eyes but they are really looking deep into you. That understanding of true love and bonding. He is so closed off. I think McKinley senses it too because she never wants to go to him, she never reaches for him. Only for me I could be wrong but I know that children are so perceptive and I feel like she knows he is closed off.
I just really miss enjoying things. Enjoying a night off, enjoying a movie just enjoying a good laugh. I feel like I never laugh anymore. Before Steven and I got into the arguement that led me here, I was watching an old episode of Its Always Sunny. It really made me laugh and it felt so good. I really don't remember the last time I laughed like that. I wish I could say its everyday but its so few and far between. I feel myself drifting so far from who I want to be and I don't know how to paddle back. I have no anchors to keep me here, and I don't like the direction I am headed in. Writing this is my message in a bottle. A cry for help that will never be heard. Maybe this is all I needed a judgement free place where I can say all the things going through my head without the fear of Stevens wrath when I say something he doesn't like. Or the constant reminder of things i need to do, things he doesn't want me to forget, things he thinks I should do better, things he doesn't want me to do anymore. Well here is one thing I want to do, I want to laugh enjoy and have fun. Three things I just don't think he understands. And the fourth thing he doesn't understand is love. True unconditional love. I just dont think he will ever get it.
Being a mother has been one of the most rewarding, demanding, uplifting and horrifying experiences of my life. I have never known love before like the love I have for my daughter. I would do anything just to see her little face smile up at me. Knowing she knows that I am her mama and seeing her face light up when she sees me really makes my life so worthwhile. I know that soon these days of idolizing mommy will fade and before I know it she will be off on her own, I am just basking in the happiness that she brings to my life. With everything in life though, nothing is just easy. Having a baby is so demanding financially, emotionally and physically. I am so exhausted on a daily basis. I went from never having a cup of coffee to feeling like I cannot function without it. I was never savvy at financial matters and having a child just makes that more clear. Emotionally I feel like I am on a roller coasted every day. I love feeling that connection with her but at the same time I am so fearful that I am not doing the right thing. That I am missing a step that I am not giving her all the stimulation that she needs that I am not feeding her the right things, that I am not getting her clothes clean quick enough, that her room isn't clean enough, that the floors she is crawling on are dirty. I feel like no matter where she is or what she is doing I am never just enjoying her, somewhere in the back of my mind I have like 5 worries hovering over me. I don't know how to get that feeling to go away.
Steven and I are having a lot of ups and downs. Its weird because I have complete faith in him and I have never trusted anyone the way I trust him. Which is scary but exciting at the same time. I just feel that sometimes we are just playing the rolls in which we think we were meant to play, but then other times I really feel a connection with him. Just a few weeks ago at his cousins wedding I felt so elated. I really felt that him and I were as solid as they came. That we were going to get through all of this trouble and come out on top in the end. Now just a few weeks later I am worrying that we are just going to make it through until tomorrow. It sucks too because I don't have anyone to turn to. My friends have literally evaporated from my life. I am sure I had something to do with it, but I am begining to realize that a lot of the people from my past that I entrusted with my love never really cared for it. I was just another person to them. It hurts a lot to realize these people that really meant something to you, didn't really care for you at all. I am worried that Steven feels the same way. The last thing I want is for him to think I am self conscious, because I know that will drive him a way. So i put on a good face when he says he loves me and everything. It just I don't get that connection that feeling when someone looks in your eyes but they are really looking deep into you. That understanding of true love and bonding. He is so closed off. I think McKinley senses it too because she never wants to go to him, she never reaches for him. Only for me I could be wrong but I know that children are so perceptive and I feel like she knows he is closed off.
I just really miss enjoying things. Enjoying a night off, enjoying a movie just enjoying a good laugh. I feel like I never laugh anymore. Before Steven and I got into the arguement that led me here, I was watching an old episode of Its Always Sunny. It really made me laugh and it felt so good. I really don't remember the last time I laughed like that. I wish I could say its everyday but its so few and far between. I feel myself drifting so far from who I want to be and I don't know how to paddle back. I have no anchors to keep me here, and I don't like the direction I am headed in. Writing this is my message in a bottle. A cry for help that will never be heard. Maybe this is all I needed a judgement free place where I can say all the things going through my head without the fear of Stevens wrath when I say something he doesn't like. Or the constant reminder of things i need to do, things he doesn't want me to forget, things he thinks I should do better, things he doesn't want me to do anymore. Well here is one thing I want to do, I want to laugh enjoy and have fun. Three things I just don't think he understands. And the fourth thing he doesn't understand is love. True unconditional love. I just dont think he will ever get it.