Change
When I was younger i never really noticed change. I was so emersed in this world of fun and freedom, it seemed like i had a infinite amount of time do to whatever it was i wanted to do. As time has gone on, my decisions now weigh a lot more than they did years ago. One single sentence can change the whole course of my future. For over a year i was so confused as to who i was, what i wanted, where i wanted to go and most of all who i wanted to be. I don't think it is something that i discovered over night, i think it more or less came from knowing what i didnt want to become. It was as if my confidence and self esteem had been blockaded by some sort of dam. For a while that dam stood firm and kept me crippled almost, in this state of fear and dependance. Little by little that dam began to weaken and i felt myself getting stronger untill it finally burst. I regained the strength that i used to have, the motivation to become something great and do something meaningful with my life, and finally to be proud of everything that i am, flaws and all. I realize that as I get older the decisions and problems i will face are much more complicated than those that i faced when i was younger, but it okay. I know that i can handle them and i am determined to conquer what scares and not let anything hold me back from acheiving my dreams.
Sitting in Jill's basement last night, it was refreshing to know that no matter how much time goes on those girls will be there for me no matter what, and i for them. Getting older means that we have a lot less free time to spend with eachother, but the bond we formed last summer is everlasting. Jill will always be the wise one, who ALWAYS knows the exact words you need to hear, she speaks from her heart which is a quality that is very hard to find. Corinne still has the best stories, and she still tells them with such enthusiasm and they always make you laugh. Kristin is still the best listener and she cares so much about everything you say, even if it is pointless she still lets you know she cares. Me, im still the hopeless romantic, who believes in fairy tales and happily ever afters, and who wants nothing else but for everyone to be happy. We are all ever changing, but our cores remain firm. We are all very different people, but thats what makes it so much better. We all bring something else to the table. Those three girls mean more to me than they will ever know. I dont care how far away they go, i plan to remain friends with them till i am old and wrinkled.
Here i am again, on my own. I didn't really expect to be here again, but it's okay. its scary and intimidating, but i know this is just another fear i must conquer. I know from talking to my family that relationships are very complicated, but at the core there must be a mutual love and respect for eachother. Key world being mutual. No matter how hard i tried, i could never be what he wanted me to be. It is hard thing to feel, like you aren't good enough for the one person you love. I dont believe there is a word that exists to describe it. I know now that i just need to believe in me. I need to be proud of myself. No one is perfect and everyone has their quirks, i think that the key is to find someone who willing to love me completely, for all my quirks. I would much rather go to sleep by myself, then go to sleep beside someone who doesn't want me there. I feel though as if i finally found my niche, occupational therapy really seems to be a good fit for me. I could not think of a better way to spend my life other than helping other people make their lives easier. I just want to make people smile. I cant imagine a more rewarding job. I know it wont be easy to get there and its going to take a lot of time and effort, but i believe in myself and i know i can do it. I dont exactly where my life is heading but i have a general direction and that is enough for me, even it means going it alone. Hopefully along the way i will find someone who will love being in love with me as much as i love being in love with them.