Snow
So i finally have a new computer. My laptop is still broken, but having a desktop again is quite nice, especially now since its all my own and i am not sharing it with the entire family. Kerry can use it though because she let me use her laptop over the past month when i didn't have one.
Its getting close now to the end of the year, and i guess for the most part its time for reflection and growth. 2007 was probably one of the most difficult years of my life. Thankfully in the time of need i did have some really great friends who helped me get through it all. Although some of the friendships have dis-assembled, i will never forget what they did for me. Maybe fate works like that though, maybe fate just brings people into your life when you really need them the most and once they finish their job, they leave. I would type all the things that happened to me this year, but i can't lie the greater portion of things i would rather leave out. Some good things though were, I worked at Harley-Davidson for a little while, I turned 21 years old, i got to spend a lovely week in montauk, i also got to go to Disney, I became an Aunt to an adorable little boy, i became friends with some really nice people, I became a waitress at Chilis, and just as of recently i've decided to switch my major to Nursing.
One thing that i reflect back on about myself this year is that i can not keep feeling bad for myself. There are lot worse things that could have happened to me, and i mean as bad as it hurt me emotionally, i think i have become a stronger person in the end. I was sitting at school yesterday after hours of papers, and projects and of course my last teacher kept me an hour later than he was supposed to. I realized in that moment that life is just way too short to take anything too seriously. If i can't laugh at myself and the things that have happened in my life than i mean really there is no point of going on. For sooo soo long i cared so much about what other people thought of me, and as i sat in my class realizing after next week i will probably only see maybe 2-3 of these people ever again, it dawned on me that i should not care at all what other people think. I know it is alot easier said than done but i mean i am so done with feeling bad and being sad and caring what other people think of me. I am who i am and i can not and will not change that for anyone. It took me a while to get to this point and well i am content here. I am not going to starve myself anymore because i want to be skinny, but i am not going to over indulge myself either. I'll try my best to eat healthy and get to the gym, but i am not going to kill myself. You only get one life so i am going to enjoy it.
On another note, something has change quite drastically in the past month besides my little Colin. Mike and I broke up in the end of March for several different reasons. It caught me off gaurd and i was quite devastated for a while. I broke down and became depressed for a good portion of the year. Mike went out and drank and hung out with new girls, which added to my devastation. Depsite all the odds agaisnt me, in my heart i just knew that he was the one i wanted to be with. I think part of my devastation was because i could have prevented the break up if i just would have opened my eyes to what i was putting mike through by being such good friends with Tom. I am true believer though in everything happens for a reason. If mike and i never broke up i dont think i would have ever realized how selfish i was being. This semester i took Counseling Psychology, and for the past few weeks we have been doing couples counseling. I think learning about how couples break up kind of teaches you how to stay together. At the end of October i was ready to give up hope all together, i never thought that day would come but i just realized that the Mike i once knew and loved was gone, completely gone. So i told him that i finished holding on to hope and that i was giving up. I didnt want to, but the circumstances had gotten me to the point where i just had nothing left to hold on too. It was if that last finger that was holding him from falling off the cliff just could not muster up the strength to keep holding on. So i let go. I can not speak for him because i am not sure if this is really what happened, but i think the whole time we were broken up he knew that he could come to me and i would take him back. I think maybe when the fact that i wasn't going to just wait around for him anymore and that i was actually giving up and moving on, made him realize thats not what he wanted at all. So the next week he texted me and we talked but i had my guard up. He persisted though, and i think he realized he needed to take down the wall he built up for me because if he didn't than i was going to walk away for good. Over the next few weeks, we hung out more and more and talked more and more and he finally came home.
Alot of people are pretty skeptic about this all, including most of my family and some of my friends. The way i see it, is this time if it doesnt work out and i get hurt again, the jokes on me. This was my choice and this is what i want. We've worked out a lot of stuff and im sure we have some more to work out. Im not saying that we are perfect because there is no such thing. I am just saying that this time i am going into this with a different mindset. Mike is who he is and I am who i am, we are opposites in some ways but in others we are very much a like. Last time we were together, everytime we got into a bad fight, break up was always a word that was brought up, and surprise surprise we broke up. This time instead of bringing that up everytime we have a fight, either we agree to disagree or we work on whatever we have too. We've both grown and we've both experienced different things and people, the only person who fills the void in my heart is Mike. We've been through a lot together and we've both done things to eachother that hurt one another, but we made it out ok. And this is one last chanc, to finally get things right.
Christmas season is right around the corner, we have had two snow showers, light one but still glorious. On saturday Colin had his first sleepover at our house when shannon and jon went into the city for a party. I woke up a 5 to help my mom feed him and then again and 9 so that my mom could go get some sleep. I sat in the kitched feeding him a bottle listening to christmas music and watching the snow fall, and i realized that life is good right now. I know it might not last forever but i am going to enjoy each and every second of it while it lasts.