5 things I have learned this weekend
1. I, er, enjoy writing f/f sex (some people flex their writing muscles by writing nice descriptive passages or technical exercises; I write lesbian sex. Please don't judge me) far more than writing m/m sex. Doesn't come as much of a surprise, really; much more chance of invoking happy personal memories. However, I also find it significantly more difficult. Again unsurprisingly, I can imagine what I'm trying to write far more clearly, and ideas come much more easily - but then a) the vocab kicks me in the crotch. It is impossible to write about breasts without sounding like a bad romance novel! Let alone anything else, although unlike most people at least I quite like the word "cunt"; b) I never feel like I've got enough distance from it - and I'm not comfortable with putting too much of myself and my own experiences on display, which is what I always feel like I'm doing; and c) so many of the kind of standard erotic images of women have difficult connotations for me, because of the more commodified, exploitative contexts and ways in which they usually appear. Still, I'm reasonably happy with the results.
2. I royally bone at editing fics. I always say to myself that I'll go back over things once I've finished them, and then when I sit down with them again, even if I'm unhappy with them, I never want to change them - I'd rather just write something new and hopefully better.
3. I don't deal well with nostalgia. Yesterday, I took the dogs for a walk around the area in which I went to primary school, and where I grew up/hung out (insofar as an awkward, bookish kid without many friends can be said to hang out) until I was about 11. The place was thick with memories for me - staggeringly, overwhelmingly so, and all so vivid, too. And it made me feel almost ill. I don't have many awful memories of that aspect of my childhood - no stand-out good ones, either, but no real trauma - but I found thinking back on myself and my experiences at that age really uncomfortable and difficult, to the point of making me feel sort of head-sick. I thought about it more as I walked home, and I realised that generally speaking, my ability to look back on happy or unhappy times in my life is compromised by the fact that I don't at all like thinking about the person I used to be at those times of my life - in terms of dealing with my self-esteem issues, I'm pleased that I like myself more and more as I change and grow up, but the corollary to that is liking the person I have been and used to be less and less, to the point of feeling awkward and embarrassed when I look back at her. Something further to work on, I suppose.
4. Living with my dad's girlfriend, with whom I do not get on particularly well, while she finds a new house is annoying. Living with her two dogs and cat, lovely as they are, all of whom are moulting like fuck and aggravating my fairly mild pet hair allergy to the point that my eyes are constantly hurting, is REALLY annoying.
5. When I have lots of work to do, all I want to do is have lengthy meta discussions. Actually, let's be honest; I knew that perfectly well already.
2. I royally bone at editing fics. I always say to myself that I'll go back over things once I've finished them, and then when I sit down with them again, even if I'm unhappy with them, I never want to change them - I'd rather just write something new and hopefully better.
3. I don't deal well with nostalgia. Yesterday, I took the dogs for a walk around the area in which I went to primary school, and where I grew up/hung out (insofar as an awkward, bookish kid without many friends can be said to hang out) until I was about 11. The place was thick with memories for me - staggeringly, overwhelmingly so, and all so vivid, too. And it made me feel almost ill. I don't have many awful memories of that aspect of my childhood - no stand-out good ones, either, but no real trauma - but I found thinking back on myself and my experiences at that age really uncomfortable and difficult, to the point of making me feel sort of head-sick. I thought about it more as I walked home, and I realised that generally speaking, my ability to look back on happy or unhappy times in my life is compromised by the fact that I don't at all like thinking about the person I used to be at those times of my life - in terms of dealing with my self-esteem issues, I'm pleased that I like myself more and more as I change and grow up, but the corollary to that is liking the person I have been and used to be less and less, to the point of feeling awkward and embarrassed when I look back at her. Something further to work on, I suppose.
4. Living with my dad's girlfriend, with whom I do not get on particularly well, while she finds a new house is annoying. Living with her two dogs and cat, lovely as they are, all of whom are moulting like fuck and aggravating my fairly mild pet hair allergy to the point that my eyes are constantly hurting, is REALLY annoying.
5. When I have lots of work to do, all I want to do is have lengthy meta discussions. Actually, let's be honest; I knew that perfectly well already.