(no subject)
I started a long post but it just went super negative so I deleted it instead of posting. I am completely overwhelmed right now. The long and short of it is that the last year has brought into sharp relief just how unhappy I have been for a very long time, and how much of it is to do with how dependent I am, and now that I am back in my old situation it is becoming intolerable. Life, as I have learned, is far too short to spend it miserable.
I need a job. I need a job I can do from home because I still have the mental illness and physical disabilities that got me in this predicament in the first place. I need a job that will hire a 43 year old with no real work experience and an unerring habit of freezing like a deer in the headlights at the thought of filling out a job application or resume or anything remotely resembling 'selling' oneself. And it needs to pay enough to live on. Not well or anything. I have no objection to living poor if it's on my own dime. I just need to get out of here. I need to get out of here soon, and on my own steam, before it crushes me back into submission.
I am so fucked. Yes, this is the less negative post. I said to my therapist last year before all this started that I felt like I was fading away and disappearing entirely. As horrifying as the last 10 months have been, I have also been here. Present in the world. And now every day I can feel myself slipping away. It's terrifying. And worse, it's an insult to my best friend who grabbed on to every last second of life to the very end.
This entry was originally posted at http://fan-eunice.dreamwidth.org/347627.html. (
comments) Comment wherever you want.
I need a job. I need a job I can do from home because I still have the mental illness and physical disabilities that got me in this predicament in the first place. I need a job that will hire a 43 year old with no real work experience and an unerring habit of freezing like a deer in the headlights at the thought of filling out a job application or resume or anything remotely resembling 'selling' oneself. And it needs to pay enough to live on. Not well or anything. I have no objection to living poor if it's on my own dime. I just need to get out of here. I need to get out of here soon, and on my own steam, before it crushes me back into submission.
I am so fucked. Yes, this is the less negative post. I said to my therapist last year before all this started that I felt like I was fading away and disappearing entirely. As horrifying as the last 10 months have been, I have also been here. Present in the world. And now every day I can feel myself slipping away. It's terrifying. And worse, it's an insult to my best friend who grabbed on to every last second of life to the very end.
This entry was originally posted at http://fan-eunice.dreamwidth.org/347627.html. (
comments) Comment wherever you want.