(no subject)
you know what's depressing?! despite going through a year of major changes (getting my first job, moving a lot, sexuality issues, SEX, etc), my life is still exactly the same as it was this time last fall. just sitting in front of my computer all day, joking around with my internet friends, no job, no responsibilities and my circle of friends has even, some how, accumulated itself into the EXACT SAME GROUP OF PEOPLE as last year. and, if you know me and my pattern of friend keeping, that's just weird. it makes me feel like i have to start the process of change all over again.
however, i guess the fact that i've managed to keep the same friends for so long is a good thing. even more so, because i actually like these people this time. and i guess that not having any responsibility and having my mom take care of me is something a lot of people only WISH they had. but something still seems a bit off...
thought process of last year: everything is so new. uncharted teritory, it's scary but insanely refreshing at the same time. i want more...
thought process of this year: there's been so much that's happened between me and the people i've associated myself with. everything feels kind of tainted. usually, if it hasn't happened already, my friendships with people die off, and that's not exactly happening this time. where do i go from here?
this entire year has lacked any feeling whatsoever, except what is predictable and expected. and even that is fake. i haven't had any time to feel and i know that if i did feel, i'd get trampled by the life i was (and currently am) living. the only person who's kept me HUMAN this year is tiana and i do wish to thank her for that. even if those feelings arose on bad occasions, still, thank you.
how sad is that, though? a whole year of, basically, being a robot and having so much potential to be happy (for once) and the only thing that really made me see this is those god damned "ooh fajita!" commercials.
look, tiana, i miss YOU. i know YOU. and i'm pretty sure you feel the exact same way as i do. it's like we've finally become what we thought we needed to be (what other's wanted us to be) and we got so caught up in living someone elses's life, that we forgot who WE were. well, fuck everyone else. let's go on that super secret mission to walmart to buy a britney spears poster, like we were SUPPOSED to, let's go to half priced books and buy beaver looking things with hairy teeth, let's spend every halloween together until the day we fucking DIE. because, now that i think about it, the only time i've ever been able to feel (anything other than rejection and sadness) is when i'm with you. i love you and i really don't give a flying FUCK about what anyone else has to say or think about this.
we'll fix everything this saturday. EVERYTHING.
UPDATE:
boy did THAT backfire.
however, i guess the fact that i've managed to keep the same friends for so long is a good thing. even more so, because i actually like these people this time. and i guess that not having any responsibility and having my mom take care of me is something a lot of people only WISH they had. but something still seems a bit off...
thought process of last year: everything is so new. uncharted teritory, it's scary but insanely refreshing at the same time. i want more...
thought process of this year: there's been so much that's happened between me and the people i've associated myself with. everything feels kind of tainted. usually, if it hasn't happened already, my friendships with people die off, and that's not exactly happening this time. where do i go from here?
this entire year has lacked any feeling whatsoever, except what is predictable and expected. and even that is fake. i haven't had any time to feel and i know that if i did feel, i'd get trampled by the life i was (and currently am) living. the only person who's kept me HUMAN this year is tiana and i do wish to thank her for that. even if those feelings arose on bad occasions, still, thank you.
how sad is that, though? a whole year of, basically, being a robot and having so much potential to be happy (for once) and the only thing that really made me see this is those god damned "ooh fajita!" commercials.
look, tiana, i miss YOU. i know YOU. and i'm pretty sure you feel the exact same way as i do. it's like we've finally become what we thought we needed to be (what other's wanted us to be) and we got so caught up in living someone elses's life, that we forgot who WE were. well, fuck everyone else. let's go on that super secret mission to walmart to buy a britney spears poster, like we were SUPPOSED to, let's go to half priced books and buy beaver looking things with hairy teeth, let's spend every halloween together until the day we fucking DIE. because, now that i think about it, the only time i've ever been able to feel (anything other than rejection and sadness) is when i'm with you. i love you and i really don't give a flying FUCK about what anyone else has to say or think about this.
we'll fix everything this saturday. EVERYTHING.
UPDATE:
boy did THAT backfire.