(no subject)
Here we are, feeling the heart start to beat faster, pulse quicken, its time. Mind over matter, that first moment you have to believe, believe you are ok. She feels as it settles over her, surrounding her body as she starts to pace. Invading her mind, the most unbearable thoughts, she walks, stumbles, crawls through the torture and struggles not to think, not to let a memory enter or something that matters...in these moments a small, trivial thing can be turned into her worst nightmare. Easier said then done she knows, for in her panic she understands it's not real, knows she is going to be all right, but why wont this feeling go away? She knows it's happening but she cant make it stop. Her mind starts to spin, round and round, thoughts, fears, ideas, and mistakes it all comes tumbling down in an endless spiral of cascading thoughts that she's to afraid to understand. She recalls a conversation... it's like you can feel your sanity, it's there while you are on the very edge trying to balance on the worlds weight, you have to tell yourself over and over to make it through the impossible. Did she really say that or just think it? It's like parts of your brain just cave and open up and you have one brief moment to hold on and grab the reins of your sanity. Sitting on the bed staring into nothingness the tears start to fall. "Why is this happening, why me, I must be a bad person, who actually deserves this?" Questioning the situation and hoping for an answer. As she sits and wraps herself up into a ball and holds on to herself, gripping arms and legs, yes she is there, it's ok, she is sane this will pass, she knows it will. Tragedy comes in all forms and all disguises; it can reach you with a smile, a fear, silent whispers, or a heartbreaking tear. Breaks in the silence, things come back into focus, shifting after what seems like eternity and she takes that moment and runs with it, for at this one moment she is free... free from the doubt, heartbreak, pain, for you can heal, but you can never forget. Her breathing slows to normal; she stops the tears and slowly comes back from the nightmare she has existed in for so long now. Will life ever be the same again? we're all tired from the battle we fight day to day.. the mental exhaustion comes over us.
a day comes and goes
It's the days now that get to me. Theres hardly enough time for the sun to rise before it's hurrying back down with its trail of black. Hours are indifferent to their normal length; they pass like they'd never even come. Blinking brings new frames into my mind, I close my eyes picturing complete happiness and I open them to see billows of smoke and a belching brown sky. Things don't make sense. I wish the world would slow down before my time has come, perhaps it's only my imagination but I feel oddly cheated of life. Death, an eternity, well I wonder of that how fast will that eternity pass by? Forever is a long time, living is my lifetime; my lifetime hasn't seemed like a forever. I wish it were, I'd rather live forever and then die for only a little while..
a day comes and goes
It's the days now that get to me. Theres hardly enough time for the sun to rise before it's hurrying back down with its trail of black. Hours are indifferent to their normal length; they pass like they'd never even come. Blinking brings new frames into my mind, I close my eyes picturing complete happiness and I open them to see billows of smoke and a belching brown sky. Things don't make sense. I wish the world would slow down before my time has come, perhaps it's only my imagination but I feel oddly cheated of life. Death, an eternity, well I wonder of that how fast will that eternity pass by? Forever is a long time, living is my lifetime; my lifetime hasn't seemed like a forever. I wish it were, I'd rather live forever and then die for only a little while..