nothing seems real
I had dinner with my mom on Wednesday Night in celebration of my Feast day ( I was confirmed with Francisco of Assisi as my patron saint) and for once since i cant remember we actually talked about real things and things surreal. She's been having strange dreams but they seem to portend good things at least that was the consensus we reached. And I finally told her how Christianity isn't really my "faith" that for some unknown reason I identify more with the spirit than with Christ. I think its more because I'm drawn to the spiritual aspect of things, and dare i say it, feel like the physical world is much more...false, or at least that is what it feels like to me. Sure the Physical world has its perks, but in turth the spirit draws me more...I also told her that i had once considered being a pagan...but the thought of seperating the divine and delegating responsibility to other deities felt wrong to me. right now im interested in the Mayan belief in the male/female creator...merely interest, though something strikes me closer to the heart. We also talked about how all the appiritions of Mary in our modern world have happened at springs or water sources and oddly enough a few have been at the sites of temples dedicated to a goddess, most frequently a goddess of fertility. It's my belief that mary is just the physical image our judeo-christian mindset comes up with when we encounter the feminine aspect of the Divine, though the signs she shows in her image show that isnt equal to the Divine which makes that confusing...perhaps mary is an avatar, like Christ or Buddha, a pathway to something more undefinable. Which is fine to me, cuz ive accepted that the divine can never be truely understood.
Earlier wednesday I felt a renting in my heart, like a great sorrow had passed through me, a sorrow from another place and time. It was almost as if i was feeling the pain of another...or that the world was feeling a great pain, one that I could not comprehend.
I've accepted, mostly, my natural inclination for all things supernatural. though don't know if it is a calling. And to be honest I think i fear it could be...the entire world could be calling me , but i dont know what it is saying...when i hear the wind its sounds like wind but there's a voice behind it, a voice that i cant understand or comprhend. Its saying something but i dont know what it is saying, maybe thats the price i pay for abandoning the more clairvoyant aaspects of my psyche earlier in life, or even for not talking to someone about it...
Earlier wednesday I felt a renting in my heart, like a great sorrow had passed through me, a sorrow from another place and time. It was almost as if i was feeling the pain of another...or that the world was feeling a great pain, one that I could not comprehend.
I've accepted, mostly, my natural inclination for all things supernatural. though don't know if it is a calling. And to be honest I think i fear it could be...the entire world could be calling me , but i dont know what it is saying...when i hear the wind its sounds like wind but there's a voice behind it, a voice that i cant understand or comprhend. Its saying something but i dont know what it is saying, maybe thats the price i pay for abandoning the more clairvoyant aaspects of my psyche earlier in life, or even for not talking to someone about it...