Choice
Title: Choice
Summary: Consent is required.
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers through S5
Author's Note: HumanVerse
“You care too much about them.”
Arguing with Michael is never advisable. But humans are God’s most favored creation. Castiel exists for the defense of humanity. They all do. So what does Michael mean by “care too much?”
He doesn’t ask, but of course Michael keeps talking. “You’re supposed to respect them. You’re supposed to love them. You’re not supposed to…fixate.”
“What’s respectful about possessing them?” This isn’t an argument, it’s a question. Seeking clarification is fine, as long as he’s going to obey. And he is. He will.
“It’s not possession.” He sounds like he’s memorized this explanation by rote. He probably has. “Possession is demonic. Violent. Forced. This - this is a sacrament.”
“A sacrament.”
“Grace, instituted by the divine hand of God.”
“I know what a sacrament is.” You condescending ass. No. No. He’s not supposed to feel this.” I just don’t think you can call it divinity every time your orders take you onto this plane.”
He’s going to obey. He is.
“They invite us in, Castiel,” Michael reminds him.
That’s not even true. “No one does any inviting.”
“You understand the difference. They say yes.”
“It’s not saying yes if you lie to them about what you’re doing. If you promise things and don’t deliver.”
Michael’s eyes are dangerous. “Who are you talking about?”
“They all do it. Uriel threatened his. With violence.”
“Uriel’s brutish.”
“Nobody stopped him.”
The implied accusation hangs in the air. He’s shocked at his own audacity.
“Just ask him,” Michael says. “You may not need those tactics, Castiel. He might just say yes to you. You can’t know.”
This is the problem. Castiel does know.
This won’t be his first encounter with Jimmy Novak.
Castiel’s never spoken about the day he found his vessel, about the woman who prayed for the health of her unborn child and the stab of recognition and home he felt when he laid his hand on her. He sat with her for hours, wondering, pensive, in awe of this new connection, and then he came home and eclipsed everything.
Jimmy Novak. He held his wife’s hand and prayed over their meal. He tucked his napkin in his lap and asked her about her day, listened and nodded and asked questions about the broken garbage disposal and the characters in the book she was reading. He drank a glass of milk in front of the television and smiled when the baseball game went the way he wanted it to. He gave thanks again before bed and fell asleep with a hand on his wife’s stomach, feeling the kicks of their child.
Michael doesn’t know, as Castiel does, how faithful Jimmy Novak is, how selfless, how he turns to heaven in gratitude but never to ask for more.
If an angel needs him, Jimmy Novak is going to say yes. He’s not going to ask questions. He’s not going to hesitate. He’s going to thank God for the opportunity to serve. Getting him to say yes isn’t the problem.
The problem is what happens when he does.
He’s a father. He’s a husband. He’s a person.
He’ll say yes, and Castiel will invade him and conquer him and wear him like a cheap suit, until he’s tatty and frayed and full of holes, until he’s scraps, and when he’s unrecognizable as himself, his soul will be encompassed and that will be the end of Jimmy Novak. Castiel will wear him out.
It would be kinder to kill him.
But he won’t die. He won’t know heaven. All he’ll ever know is strange and unrelenting unity with Castiel.
He won’t understand this. There’s no way to tell him. He’s too human, his mind too limited by the familiar, and he won’t be able to conceive of what he’s agreeing to. And this is the heart of the dilemma. He’ll say yes without understanding.
That isn’t saying yes.
Does Michael not understand this? Or does he just not care? It is so hard to trust that anything about this is right.
“You worry us,” Michael says. The ‘us’ feels inappropriate, but then, Michael is authorized to speak for the others. He can speak for Castiel, if he wants to. Maybe he does. Maybe that’s why it’s troubling. “This…aversion…you have. This abnormality.”
“It’s not an aversion.”
“What do you call it?”
There’s no it.
“I just…I want to know why it’s right. I want to understand how this is love. He’s human. Humans are sacred. How is this showing him love?”
Say something to make this all right. Please.
“Castiel.” There’s thunder in that voice. “You’re supposed to love humanity. You’re not supposed to love humans.”
What does that mean? “There’s a difference?”
“You’ve never understood this.”
“Help me.” It’s a sincere plea. Michael is righteous, his word is Truth. It’s absolute. Michael will explain and Castiel will understand and believe. Michael will make this right somehow.
“Humanity is sacred. As a population. Humans - the individuals - they’re disposable, little brother. Sacrificing one to preserve the rest, that’s what we’re talking about. That’s what you’re being asked to do. Can’t you see how that’s right?”
Disposable.
Jimmy Novak isn’t disposable. He’s unique. There isn’t another quite like him anywhere, gentle and giving and devoted to God and his family, fluent in Italian, afraid of birds, cautious driver, talented pianist and terrible singer, broke his leg building his daughter a tree house and still limps when the weather’s bad. If (when) Castiel takes him, it’ll leave a hole that won’t be filled by anyone, ever. So how, God, how is Castiel supposed to believe that this is right?
But arguing with Michael is dangerous, and disobedience is unthinkable.
Before Jimmy Novak says yes, Castiel will have to say yes.
It’s tragic, it’s funny, the way all of this is disguised as choice.
Summary: Consent is required.
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers through S5
Author's Note: HumanVerse
“You care too much about them.”
Arguing with Michael is never advisable. But humans are God’s most favored creation. Castiel exists for the defense of humanity. They all do. So what does Michael mean by “care too much?”
He doesn’t ask, but of course Michael keeps talking. “You’re supposed to respect them. You’re supposed to love them. You’re not supposed to…fixate.”
“What’s respectful about possessing them?” This isn’t an argument, it’s a question. Seeking clarification is fine, as long as he’s going to obey. And he is. He will.
“It’s not possession.” He sounds like he’s memorized this explanation by rote. He probably has. “Possession is demonic. Violent. Forced. This - this is a sacrament.”
“A sacrament.”
“Grace, instituted by the divine hand of God.”
“I know what a sacrament is.” You condescending ass. No. No. He’s not supposed to feel this.” I just don’t think you can call it divinity every time your orders take you onto this plane.”
He’s going to obey. He is.
“They invite us in, Castiel,” Michael reminds him.
That’s not even true. “No one does any inviting.”
“You understand the difference. They say yes.”
“It’s not saying yes if you lie to them about what you’re doing. If you promise things and don’t deliver.”
Michael’s eyes are dangerous. “Who are you talking about?”
“They all do it. Uriel threatened his. With violence.”
“Uriel’s brutish.”
“Nobody stopped him.”
The implied accusation hangs in the air. He’s shocked at his own audacity.
“Just ask him,” Michael says. “You may not need those tactics, Castiel. He might just say yes to you. You can’t know.”
This is the problem. Castiel does know.
This won’t be his first encounter with Jimmy Novak.
Castiel’s never spoken about the day he found his vessel, about the woman who prayed for the health of her unborn child and the stab of recognition and home he felt when he laid his hand on her. He sat with her for hours, wondering, pensive, in awe of this new connection, and then he came home and eclipsed everything.
Jimmy Novak. He held his wife’s hand and prayed over their meal. He tucked his napkin in his lap and asked her about her day, listened and nodded and asked questions about the broken garbage disposal and the characters in the book she was reading. He drank a glass of milk in front of the television and smiled when the baseball game went the way he wanted it to. He gave thanks again before bed and fell asleep with a hand on his wife’s stomach, feeling the kicks of their child.
Michael doesn’t know, as Castiel does, how faithful Jimmy Novak is, how selfless, how he turns to heaven in gratitude but never to ask for more.
If an angel needs him, Jimmy Novak is going to say yes. He’s not going to ask questions. He’s not going to hesitate. He’s going to thank God for the opportunity to serve. Getting him to say yes isn’t the problem.
The problem is what happens when he does.
He’s a father. He’s a husband. He’s a person.
He’ll say yes, and Castiel will invade him and conquer him and wear him like a cheap suit, until he’s tatty and frayed and full of holes, until he’s scraps, and when he’s unrecognizable as himself, his soul will be encompassed and that will be the end of Jimmy Novak. Castiel will wear him out.
It would be kinder to kill him.
But he won’t die. He won’t know heaven. All he’ll ever know is strange and unrelenting unity with Castiel.
He won’t understand this. There’s no way to tell him. He’s too human, his mind too limited by the familiar, and he won’t be able to conceive of what he’s agreeing to. And this is the heart of the dilemma. He’ll say yes without understanding.
That isn’t saying yes.
Does Michael not understand this? Or does he just not care? It is so hard to trust that anything about this is right.
“You worry us,” Michael says. The ‘us’ feels inappropriate, but then, Michael is authorized to speak for the others. He can speak for Castiel, if he wants to. Maybe he does. Maybe that’s why it’s troubling. “This…aversion…you have. This abnormality.”
“It’s not an aversion.”
“What do you call it?”
There’s no it.
“I just…I want to know why it’s right. I want to understand how this is love. He’s human. Humans are sacred. How is this showing him love?”
Say something to make this all right. Please.
“Castiel.” There’s thunder in that voice. “You’re supposed to love humanity. You’re not supposed to love humans.”
What does that mean? “There’s a difference?”
“You’ve never understood this.”
“Help me.” It’s a sincere plea. Michael is righteous, his word is Truth. It’s absolute. Michael will explain and Castiel will understand and believe. Michael will make this right somehow.
“Humanity is sacred. As a population. Humans - the individuals - they’re disposable, little brother. Sacrificing one to preserve the rest, that’s what we’re talking about. That’s what you’re being asked to do. Can’t you see how that’s right?”
Disposable.
Jimmy Novak isn’t disposable. He’s unique. There isn’t another quite like him anywhere, gentle and giving and devoted to God and his family, fluent in Italian, afraid of birds, cautious driver, talented pianist and terrible singer, broke his leg building his daughter a tree house and still limps when the weather’s bad. If (when) Castiel takes him, it’ll leave a hole that won’t be filled by anyone, ever. So how, God, how is Castiel supposed to believe that this is right?
But arguing with Michael is dangerous, and disobedience is unthinkable.
Before Jimmy Novak says yes, Castiel will have to say yes.
It’s tragic, it’s funny, the way all of this is disguised as choice.