Challenge #3 - Entry 5
Title: Of beeing away, fighting monsters
Pairing: Daesung / Seunghyun
Rating: PG
Summary: It's like his surroundings has changed too, or maybe the creature has altered his senses. Seunghyun looks ten times bigger when entering a room and he has most likely gotten his own gravitational field.
Song(s) used for inspiration: Moby - Shot in the Back of the Head
Somehow he feels like he has ruined everything without anyone even knowing. He hates his disgusting feelings and the emotional creature they have turned him into. It's like he can't control himself in the presence of Seunghyun, like his body is acting on its own and he himself, the real him, is swept away to some backwater of his own beeing. He can only watch from afar how the creature that is not him anymore, is fooling everyone, occupying his skin and bones, using his voice and his thoughts in almost raging efforts of trying to get near the other.
This is not love, is not allowed to be, and Daesung is fighting it with all his might, praying for forgiveness and for strength to turn back to the person he was before, trying to act like normal when nothing is. But he knows the other senses that something is not as it should be.
It's like his surroundings have changed too, or maybe the creature has altered his senses. Seunghyun looks ten times bigger when entering a room and he has most likely gotten his own gravitational field. Every time they pass each other Daesung stumbles a little in his direction and his eyes can't look at anything else and his blood wants to burn out of him. It corrodes the inside of his skin at the part of him that is currently turned towards the gigantic celestial body that is the other man.
If they happen to touch, Daesung has to check to make sure he hasn't gotten a fresh burn injury, because he is absolutely sure that he just felt the heat of the sun scorch him. Then, he just has to touch him again, brush the side of his hand or awkwardly poke his cheek, just to feel, to burn again, and the white rays of Seunghyuns questioning gaze blinds him and explodes in his head. The creature wants more, always more, and Daesung is scared beyond comprehension. How did he become like this?
This is definitely not love, still not allowed to be, it's something that's eating him away, diminishing his mental presence, magnifying his physical ditto.
When he spends time with someone else the creature goes to sleep. But it's not a deep rest that lets Daesung feel that he's alone in his body. It's a light nervous rattling sleep and as soon Seunghyun is mentioned or if Daesung even sees something that gets him reminded of the other, it wakes, biting and clawing to get on top. It makes him change his plans to go wherever Seunghyun goes, makes his eyes black of jealousy when the other slings his arm around someone elses shoulders, makes him act like a total moron, hardly even managing to bee discrete about it. He feels mentally raped by this disgusting inner creature, this monster, and by himself too, for beeing innocent enough to let it in. Back in the the beginning he hadn't known he had to protect himself, from himself. One day it was there and it was to late to shut the door to keep it out, so Daesung shut the door to keep it inside. Every day he fights his futile battle of not letting anyone know.
And futile it is, as it turns out. After blacking out during a performance, while dancing next to Seunghyun, forgetting all his steps and not letting out a single tone, Jiyong grabs him by the arm as soon as they get off stage. He drags him aside to push him against the wall in some half discrete corner of the backstage area. They are still panting a little, Jiyong from dancing, Daesung from the growing panic. He feels it rising in his throat like an oily snake, coiling wildly in it's will to get out.
His eyes filled with suppressed anger, Jiyong asks him, words too calm for his body language, what the hell he thinks he's doing. He is not letting go of his arm, fingers and nails driven into flesh hard enough to leave marks. He has never seen Jiyong this angry and something tells him this is about more than him screwing up the performance, they've all done that before, if maybe not as fatal as he just managed to. The snake twists and turns and no longer wants to wait to go the long way up through his mouth and instead tries to break out of his ribcage. Daesung wants to look down at his chest. He wonders if Jiyong can see it, the movements under his skin.
"Answer me", Jiyong says, voice low and deadly.
Daesung doesn't open his mouth. If it weren't for Jiyongs fierce gaze holding him in place he would have closed his eyes too, not wanting anything from the chaos inside him slip out.
"Do you even remember what I told you last week, that you have to get your act together? I haven't seen much improvement."
Daesung doesn't remember. He doesn't remember someone talking to him, he doesn't remember last week at all. His concept of time is an endless stagger of him trying to occupy himself with work, sleep and not jumping from the balcony in terror of himself and what's possessing him. He feels his knees give in and he slides to the floor, his back to the wall. Jiyong loosens his grip and suddenly looks more worried than angry. He's crouching down and Daesung feels the hand that held him so hard carefully wipe away tears from cheeks he hadn't noticed becoming wet.
"Are you okay? Shit, Dae, say something. Do you want me to get someone?"
He manages to shake his head but Jiyong is already looking back towards the organized chaos of people running around behind him. He makes eye contact with someone and jerks his head and mouths something to get the person to come over. It appears to be Seunghyun and Daesungs whole body tenses because this is not who he needs to see right now. Seunghyun gets closer, the monster is ready, he hears it growling. In his vision, the man is filling up the whole room and Daesung feels he could stand up just letting the pull of his gravitation do the work. He leans his head back to the wall and waits for it. The monster doesn't move.
Seunghyun looks even more worried than Jiyong. He sits down on his knees, puts a hand on Daesungs shoulder, the other cupping his cheek, glistering from tears. Daesung hears him ask the same questions he heard from Jiyong moments ago. This time, despite the feeling that his skin is burning to coal from the touch on his face, it doesn't take all his willpower to shake his head, not really knowing which question he is answering. His mind is spinning, his blood is raging and the world is big and they are ants and maybe it doesn't matter what could happen. Maybe he doesn't want to try anymore. Maybe he's tired of fighting this loosing battle.
Not even given the time to let the make up noonas get his face clean, he is ushered by Jiyong to the car, their leader almost throwing Seunghyun in to sit beside him while ordering the older to make sure Daesung gets into bed in one piece. Jiyong is staying behind with Seungri and Youngbae for the reporters and behind the scenes cameras and for the responsibility of beeing their leader, coming up with excuses for their absence. They will have to talk about this he had said, or threatened, Daesung doesn't know and the car is already moving.
The ride home is silent. He doesn't dare to look at the other and, strangely, the monster still hasn't forced him to. His cheeks are dry when they get home and he feels like an empty shell. Considering the chaos within him not long ago, he welcomes this feeling. It's almost overwhelming in its nothingness.
Later, Daesung is lying in his bed, not entirely sure what has happened tonight and how come Seunghyun is tucking him in like he's a kid. The other, having taken the mission from Jiyong as serious as an order from the president, had literally followed him around the apartment, prepared this toothbrush, gave him water to drink, asked what sleepwear he wanted and then went to get it. Now he is sitting beside him on the bed, his eyes telling Daesung he is here to take care of everything, no need to worry. He smells of hairspray and deodorant and underneath the fabricated fragrances Daesung can sense the hoarse smell that is Seunghyun. He knows this smell, from before, from when the monster hadn't appeared yet, from when they where as close as brothers, from when Seunghyun slept beside him in his bed without him boiling and disappearing in fumes. It feels like he has found something and Daesung knows he has missed this relaxed feeling, without awkward laughs, awkward silences, awkward everything.
"You've been away for a while, don't think I haven't noticed", Seunghyun says. "Are you coming back anytime soon?"
Daesung nods, searching for his own words. Beeing used by that other something for so long, they are a little hesitant when grazing Daesungs lips by his own will.
"I'm on my way, I think. Maybe." He pauses, wonders how to tell Seunghyun.
"I've missed you." the other says and lies down beside him, his hand creeping under the comforter to take Daesungs.
"Me too, kind of", he answers and turns to face him, braces himself. "It won't be the same as before though, some things have changed."
Seunghyuns gaze is intense and the touch of his hand still burns when he slides it up Daesungs arm, stopping at his shoulder, fingertips lightly brushing against his skin. He doesn't ask where he has been or what it is that's different now. Doesn't look surprised either. Instead, he snuggles his face in under his chin and Daesung can feel warm breath and lips brushing against his collarbone.
"Can I sleep here tonight?"
The question is old yet new, dust shaken off after months and weeks of not beeing used. With that, Daesung knows that he knows. He nods again and the other slips under the comforter, his clothes still on. Seunghyuns head comes to rest over his heart and an arm is moving across his waist to grab his wrist. He doesn't feel the presence of the monster. It had started to fade at the very moment he gave up fighting it. Was it really that easy? Instead of disgusted thoughts, guilt and pain, a small ray of light is filling his mind. Not a scorching, burning white light but a warming tone of yellow and orange, like a smile breaking through to chase away a night full of storms, lightning and black, heavy rain.
“Don't worry about tonight, by the way. Except from what happened to you, I think we did good. At least it feels like it."
He hums something sounding like an answer and and lies awake long after Seunghyun has fallen asleep, feeling the weight of his head on his chest. It's safe and comfortable and the monster is gone. He doesn't have to fight himself anymore and maybe that's good enough, for now.
The feeling inside him is starting to feel a lot more like love, is finally allowed to be.
Pairing: Daesung / Seunghyun
Rating: PG
Summary: It's like his surroundings has changed too, or maybe the creature has altered his senses. Seunghyun looks ten times bigger when entering a room and he has most likely gotten his own gravitational field.
Song(s) used for inspiration: Moby - Shot in the Back of the Head
Somehow he feels like he has ruined everything without anyone even knowing. He hates his disgusting feelings and the emotional creature they have turned him into. It's like he can't control himself in the presence of Seunghyun, like his body is acting on its own and he himself, the real him, is swept away to some backwater of his own beeing. He can only watch from afar how the creature that is not him anymore, is fooling everyone, occupying his skin and bones, using his voice and his thoughts in almost raging efforts of trying to get near the other.
This is not love, is not allowed to be, and Daesung is fighting it with all his might, praying for forgiveness and for strength to turn back to the person he was before, trying to act like normal when nothing is. But he knows the other senses that something is not as it should be.
It's like his surroundings have changed too, or maybe the creature has altered his senses. Seunghyun looks ten times bigger when entering a room and he has most likely gotten his own gravitational field. Every time they pass each other Daesung stumbles a little in his direction and his eyes can't look at anything else and his blood wants to burn out of him. It corrodes the inside of his skin at the part of him that is currently turned towards the gigantic celestial body that is the other man.
If they happen to touch, Daesung has to check to make sure he hasn't gotten a fresh burn injury, because he is absolutely sure that he just felt the heat of the sun scorch him. Then, he just has to touch him again, brush the side of his hand or awkwardly poke his cheek, just to feel, to burn again, and the white rays of Seunghyuns questioning gaze blinds him and explodes in his head. The creature wants more, always more, and Daesung is scared beyond comprehension. How did he become like this?
This is definitely not love, still not allowed to be, it's something that's eating him away, diminishing his mental presence, magnifying his physical ditto.
When he spends time with someone else the creature goes to sleep. But it's not a deep rest that lets Daesung feel that he's alone in his body. It's a light nervous rattling sleep and as soon Seunghyun is mentioned or if Daesung even sees something that gets him reminded of the other, it wakes, biting and clawing to get on top. It makes him change his plans to go wherever Seunghyun goes, makes his eyes black of jealousy when the other slings his arm around someone elses shoulders, makes him act like a total moron, hardly even managing to bee discrete about it. He feels mentally raped by this disgusting inner creature, this monster, and by himself too, for beeing innocent enough to let it in. Back in the the beginning he hadn't known he had to protect himself, from himself. One day it was there and it was to late to shut the door to keep it out, so Daesung shut the door to keep it inside. Every day he fights his futile battle of not letting anyone know.
And futile it is, as it turns out. After blacking out during a performance, while dancing next to Seunghyun, forgetting all his steps and not letting out a single tone, Jiyong grabs him by the arm as soon as they get off stage. He drags him aside to push him against the wall in some half discrete corner of the backstage area. They are still panting a little, Jiyong from dancing, Daesung from the growing panic. He feels it rising in his throat like an oily snake, coiling wildly in it's will to get out.
His eyes filled with suppressed anger, Jiyong asks him, words too calm for his body language, what the hell he thinks he's doing. He is not letting go of his arm, fingers and nails driven into flesh hard enough to leave marks. He has never seen Jiyong this angry and something tells him this is about more than him screwing up the performance, they've all done that before, if maybe not as fatal as he just managed to. The snake twists and turns and no longer wants to wait to go the long way up through his mouth and instead tries to break out of his ribcage. Daesung wants to look down at his chest. He wonders if Jiyong can see it, the movements under his skin.
"Answer me", Jiyong says, voice low and deadly.
Daesung doesn't open his mouth. If it weren't for Jiyongs fierce gaze holding him in place he would have closed his eyes too, not wanting anything from the chaos inside him slip out.
"Do you even remember what I told you last week, that you have to get your act together? I haven't seen much improvement."
Daesung doesn't remember. He doesn't remember someone talking to him, he doesn't remember last week at all. His concept of time is an endless stagger of him trying to occupy himself with work, sleep and not jumping from the balcony in terror of himself and what's possessing him. He feels his knees give in and he slides to the floor, his back to the wall. Jiyong loosens his grip and suddenly looks more worried than angry. He's crouching down and Daesung feels the hand that held him so hard carefully wipe away tears from cheeks he hadn't noticed becoming wet.
"Are you okay? Shit, Dae, say something. Do you want me to get someone?"
He manages to shake his head but Jiyong is already looking back towards the organized chaos of people running around behind him. He makes eye contact with someone and jerks his head and mouths something to get the person to come over. It appears to be Seunghyun and Daesungs whole body tenses because this is not who he needs to see right now. Seunghyun gets closer, the monster is ready, he hears it growling. In his vision, the man is filling up the whole room and Daesung feels he could stand up just letting the pull of his gravitation do the work. He leans his head back to the wall and waits for it. The monster doesn't move.
Seunghyun looks even more worried than Jiyong. He sits down on his knees, puts a hand on Daesungs shoulder, the other cupping his cheek, glistering from tears. Daesung hears him ask the same questions he heard from Jiyong moments ago. This time, despite the feeling that his skin is burning to coal from the touch on his face, it doesn't take all his willpower to shake his head, not really knowing which question he is answering. His mind is spinning, his blood is raging and the world is big and they are ants and maybe it doesn't matter what could happen. Maybe he doesn't want to try anymore. Maybe he's tired of fighting this loosing battle.
Not even given the time to let the make up noonas get his face clean, he is ushered by Jiyong to the car, their leader almost throwing Seunghyun in to sit beside him while ordering the older to make sure Daesung gets into bed in one piece. Jiyong is staying behind with Seungri and Youngbae for the reporters and behind the scenes cameras and for the responsibility of beeing their leader, coming up with excuses for their absence. They will have to talk about this he had said, or threatened, Daesung doesn't know and the car is already moving.
The ride home is silent. He doesn't dare to look at the other and, strangely, the monster still hasn't forced him to. His cheeks are dry when they get home and he feels like an empty shell. Considering the chaos within him not long ago, he welcomes this feeling. It's almost overwhelming in its nothingness.
Later, Daesung is lying in his bed, not entirely sure what has happened tonight and how come Seunghyun is tucking him in like he's a kid. The other, having taken the mission from Jiyong as serious as an order from the president, had literally followed him around the apartment, prepared this toothbrush, gave him water to drink, asked what sleepwear he wanted and then went to get it. Now he is sitting beside him on the bed, his eyes telling Daesung he is here to take care of everything, no need to worry. He smells of hairspray and deodorant and underneath the fabricated fragrances Daesung can sense the hoarse smell that is Seunghyun. He knows this smell, from before, from when the monster hadn't appeared yet, from when they where as close as brothers, from when Seunghyun slept beside him in his bed without him boiling and disappearing in fumes. It feels like he has found something and Daesung knows he has missed this relaxed feeling, without awkward laughs, awkward silences, awkward everything.
"You've been away for a while, don't think I haven't noticed", Seunghyun says. "Are you coming back anytime soon?"
Daesung nods, searching for his own words. Beeing used by that other something for so long, they are a little hesitant when grazing Daesungs lips by his own will.
"I'm on my way, I think. Maybe." He pauses, wonders how to tell Seunghyun.
"I've missed you." the other says and lies down beside him, his hand creeping under the comforter to take Daesungs.
"Me too, kind of", he answers and turns to face him, braces himself. "It won't be the same as before though, some things have changed."
Seunghyuns gaze is intense and the touch of his hand still burns when he slides it up Daesungs arm, stopping at his shoulder, fingertips lightly brushing against his skin. He doesn't ask where he has been or what it is that's different now. Doesn't look surprised either. Instead, he snuggles his face in under his chin and Daesung can feel warm breath and lips brushing against his collarbone.
"Can I sleep here tonight?"
The question is old yet new, dust shaken off after months and weeks of not beeing used. With that, Daesung knows that he knows. He nods again and the other slips under the comforter, his clothes still on. Seunghyuns head comes to rest over his heart and an arm is moving across his waist to grab his wrist. He doesn't feel the presence of the monster. It had started to fade at the very moment he gave up fighting it. Was it really that easy? Instead of disgusted thoughts, guilt and pain, a small ray of light is filling his mind. Not a scorching, burning white light but a warming tone of yellow and orange, like a smile breaking through to chase away a night full of storms, lightning and black, heavy rain.
“Don't worry about tonight, by the way. Except from what happened to you, I think we did good. At least it feels like it."
He hums something sounding like an answer and and lies awake long after Seunghyun has fallen asleep, feeling the weight of his head on his chest. It's safe and comfortable and the monster is gone. He doesn't have to fight himself anymore and maybe that's good enough, for now.
The feeling inside him is starting to feel a lot more like love, is finally allowed to be.