(this is not a tacit bid for reassurance. i am just trying to figure various things out.)
on a scale of one to ten, i wonder how horrible my character actually is. ten being the best and one being the worst. whatever. if you hurt someone, you should apologize to them. but contrition requires guilt. and doesn't causing someone to feel guilty require hurting them? i don't know, i don't know, i don't know! i don't know if i just want to hurt people. (to be able to hurt people? does this mean that they care enough about my opinion that it affects their mood?) i want to say no. i want to say i want to rush to apologize. but if i'm being honest? underneath the guilt i feel about it, i also feel a bit satisfied as well. i am not always the one to feel bad. i am not always the one to feel guilty. i am not always the one to do/say something stupid. i am not always the one to apologize. but this satisfaction basically makes me feel sick to my stomach because it is, by definition, at somebody else's expense and that is wrong wrong WRONG. i can be sweet and good and nice (anyone? anyone?).
so...what? am i actually mean and vicious? or am i just not a pushover (i am a complete fucking pushover)? i don't know. honestly? i think i am afraid of being mean but i take pleasure in it at the same time, so i am always terribly passive-aggressive in my meanness. oh no, of course i didn't intend for you to take it that way. i sure am sorry if you felt hurt by what you thought i meant but i actually didn't. so i get to tell you that you've overreacted, but at the same time i still get to make you feel badly. all in all, i come off pretty well in the exchange and everyone always forgives each other but there is still a little thrill of victory.
does this mean you can't trust me? am i a bad friend? maybe. i think i really truly don't want to be horrible. i think i like being nice and that acting any other way makes me uncomfortable (no matter how much i profess to hate everyone/everything) and you and i would probably get along fairly well. but when i am hurt, i am mean. i am tired of being a quiet, solicitous, kind, forgiving little girl. i am tired of never coming to my own defense and i am tired of letting people fucking abuse me and smiling blankly and saying "no, really, it's okay". i am tired of having twenty years' practice at being shat on and just taking it. OH POOR ME. i know, right? shut the hell up already. it could always be worse. and that's just an excuse anyway, isn't it? i should just learn to take responsibility for myself. so:
i think what it all comes down to is:
1)i am sorry i made you feel badly (partially actively i won't even make a pretense of denying it, partially accidentally through absence/misunderstanding).
BUT
2)i am glad you feel badly for hurting me.
AND
3)i should obviously never have children. not that i wanted them anyway. so that's okay.
ON A LESS DIRE NOTE tonight, while watching a history of teh ghey cinema on ifc, i may have been known to clutch at my heart and say "oh ian mckellan! i love you so much! if i was sixty years older and, like, a dude...I WOULD TOTALLY DO YOU". because it's true.
so...what? am i actually mean and vicious? or am i just not a pushover (i am a complete fucking pushover)? i don't know. honestly? i think i am afraid of being mean but i take pleasure in it at the same time, so i am always terribly passive-aggressive in my meanness. oh no, of course i didn't intend for you to take it that way. i sure am sorry if you felt hurt by what you thought i meant but i actually didn't. so i get to tell you that you've overreacted, but at the same time i still get to make you feel badly. all in all, i come off pretty well in the exchange and everyone always forgives each other but there is still a little thrill of victory.
does this mean you can't trust me? am i a bad friend? maybe. i think i really truly don't want to be horrible. i think i like being nice and that acting any other way makes me uncomfortable (no matter how much i profess to hate everyone/everything) and you and i would probably get along fairly well. but when i am hurt, i am mean. i am tired of being a quiet, solicitous, kind, forgiving little girl. i am tired of never coming to my own defense and i am tired of letting people fucking abuse me and smiling blankly and saying "no, really, it's okay". i am tired of having twenty years' practice at being shat on and just taking it. OH POOR ME. i know, right? shut the hell up already. it could always be worse. and that's just an excuse anyway, isn't it? i should just learn to take responsibility for myself. so:
i think what it all comes down to is:
1)i am sorry i made you feel badly (partially actively i won't even make a pretense of denying it, partially accidentally through absence/misunderstanding).
BUT
2)i am glad you feel badly for hurting me.
AND
3)i should obviously never have children. not that i wanted them anyway. so that's okay.
ON A LESS DIRE NOTE tonight, while watching a history of teh ghey cinema on ifc, i may have been known to clutch at my heart and say "oh ian mckellan! i love you so much! if i was sixty years older and, like, a dude...I WOULD TOTALLY DO YOU". because it's true.