internal inferno.: falls_so

falls_so_fast

internal inferno.

Jun 30, 2006 09:41

Well, my mom is going up north sunday with me now because renee got mono and she doesn't want me driving up alone. I know it's not Renee's fault. She was supposed to go today at 1130am with my dad and brother, and shes all bitter. I can't help it, you know? And Renee told me yesterday, which was last minute, so its hard to find someone who can take 5 days off in a one day notice. April maybe, but I don't know. I am coming back the 6th too and now she has to lose out on vaca time again cause she doesnt want me driving back alone. I don't see the big deal, gotta learn sometime yah know? Anyways, I drove 4 hours to see Matt in Canada with Dawn, isn't that hard really.

I talked to Tork yesterday, enough said. Some things are weird, and I don't get the people that live in the Soo at all. No wonder why Matt's persona is so fucked up. Christ. It's like, these people all hide behind a mask and NO ONE can be themselves, i can't explain it. ahh, like fakeness to impress peple, it's so annoying. Every single person I've met there ( besides my girls, shannon, teija, and penny , whom I still keep in good touch with and I can't wait to see again) have all built me up with lies to make me think that they are this great person. We got Trav who told us he was single, and that we could spend the night, when I find out he's had a GF since 8th grade. Zack, he's just a lie in itself, he's too busy trying to impress everyone on the ice and trying to be the next " big deal ". Then there's, Dags, Sharpy, and Pete, who said that they were gonna come down for the Country Music Fest, and never came. Then, there's Krystine who I used to talked to all the time, who hangs out with all the guys. She was seriously cool, and for the past 2 weeks she's been being short or just not talking at all. And, then we have Matt. His name should be Conieving Conway. Haha. Seriously, he lies WAY too much, and he's so bad at it, it's really pathetic. But the best one of all, was when I was on the Michigan side staying in the hotel, and he and his friend Matt were at home calling me from his house phone and called me to say he was already thru the 1 hour wait to cross the bridge, and was staying the middle of it. He lied because he thought my screen was broken, it is..on the INSIDE. Dumb fuck. Needless to say, every day I'm getting over him more, and I like it this way. I love him, yes I said it, I LOVE HIM. I always will, I think. He is the first guy I've ever honestly loved ( I'd hope so to drive 8 hours haha ) . Yes, it ended, quite abrutly and maybe our whole relationship was based on lies, like his friends said, but, that 5 months with Matt, I was nothing short of happy. He made me feel alive again. And for that, I am grateful. I was in such a stupor because of George, and he helped me out of that. I know he loved me too, it's just something you know. However, even though i loved matt, I was no IN LOVE with him, yes there is a difference. I have never been in love. Al though, I sucked while explaining the difference to Bo. I will always love Matt, he helped shaped me in a way no one, not my mom, not my best friends, not my brother, not my family, only god will understand. For the better and the worse. I know that years down the line, we will talk again, it's just something you know, you know? And I think I will want to. But, for now.. He has no goals in life, not to go to college or anything, he keeps living that " hockey ' dream making it big in Europe, when he only plays Junior A in the Soo now, which isn't good enough to go pro when you're 18. You should be playing college hockey or in the OHL, something. His dreams are fine, but he has to be realistic. We spent way too money between us, too much time, and I think it's really time to move on now. He is a lost cause, dating a 14 year old, not going to college, going no where. End

Oh well, I'm going to CMU in less than 2 months anyways, which is going to be sweeeett. I've already met so many awesome people and I'm not even there yet. I've kept in such good contact with them too. I met three people in particular at orientation ; jarrod, stuart, and cassie. In the beginning we all clicked immediately. People were thinking that Cassie and I were good friends who already knew each other lol. Jarrod lives like 2 hours from me and we talk everyday and he came here to visit, but got off at the wrong exit, lol. Cassie IMed me yesterday and I dunno we were just talking about how excited we are, and how she and I are going to be good friends and she told her sister and her friends about me, haha she's so sweet, and verrry pretty. I'm excited to meet my new roomies. I'm excited to live less than a walk away from my best guy friend, and I'm excited to live with my love Courtnie. But, most of all, I'm ready for a home away from home.

My brother passed his road test and i am proud of him. Nicole is leaving up north til Monday, but I wont be back til Thursday, I'm gonna miss her a lot. I really hope that this little up north vaca is fun. I loveeee going up there during the 4th with so much family and friends. It's also tubing, going on walks, swimming, laying out on the dock, chillen downtown, mm 5 days of paradise, let's hope.