(no subject)
sammy says:
For fuck sakes ashley
sammy says:
just say it
ashleyyy... says:
what hurts the most in that facebook message you sent me was this: "On Millers paper it says as of this second, CAMILA, JESS and SAM. I am not touching that paper."
All I wanted was to make sure i was going to share a room with people I actually knew, not anybody I barely knew. I wasnt expecting all this to happen.
sammy says:
well the people you know dont want you there
sammy says:
we're tired of it
ashleyyy... says:
I know. that sucks..and i cant change that now
sammy says:
you cant just have a fit and except it to go your way
ashleyyy... says:
i dont even know what fit you're talking about
sammy says:
camila told jess you had a fit
sammy says:
and your msn names were all whiny
ashleyyy... says:
when?
sammy says:
not long ago
ashleyyy... says:
well i really dont remember
sammy says:
being that childish to be upset in an msn name is what made me not want you there
ashleyyy... says:
well i'm trying to change.
ashleyyy... says:
I'm trying to be more..fun
sammy says:
and you didnt even consider the relationships between other people
ashleyyy... says:
oh camila must have been talking about this note i wrote on facebook. but that was on a really shitty day. I barely meant most of it.
sammy says:
you dont monitor your actions at all
sammy says:
how are other people supposed to know what you mean
ashleyyy... says:
i dont know. but will you guys just give me a chance or something? i promise i'll never complain to any of you guys AGAIn.
sammy says:
you keep coming to me like im going to do something about it, when we really i did stand up with you for awhile, and it made me have some words with jessica
sammy says:
but i cant stand who you are anymore
sammy says:
you had so long to change
ashleyyy... says:
I'm trying to change
ashleyyy... says:
But i was doing better for a while.
ashleyyy... says:
Like, in drama class. it's fun.
ashleyyy... says:
I was being more outgoing and louder...
sammy says:
no you werent
sammy says:
you held on to us like we were supposed to carry you
ashleyyy... says:
how?!
sammy says:
you always said you didnt have a group
sammy says:
why? because people are tired of you
ashleyyy... says:
because the other kids have their own groups in that class
sammy says:
and i know that
sammy says:
but if you were different, then there would be no problem
ashleyyy... says:
UHHH...i dont know how this all started, but yeah i'm sick of myself too.
sammy says:
then you need to take a step back from everyone, and fix yourself up
ashleyyy... says:
Im trying to, ok
ashleyyy... says:
I know I was talking too much about the NY thing, but i was just trying to ensure that we'd all have a good time. Is that so selfish?
sammy says:
no
sammy says:
you wanted to ensure you had a good time
ashleyyy... says:
I may have said that, but I do want everyone to have a good time
ashleyyy... says:
Well anyways, I'm sorry OK?
ashleyyy... says:
by the way, " Everyone feels like hiding it from you, because you're going to react badly to it." I swear it would have been better to tell it to me in person, gently...like one on one...sooner than now...because all those times we were having fun in Drama class, I actually felt good about myself...now, knowing that you guys had HID it from me all this time, hurts. Sure, if you told me in person,
ashleyyy... says:
it would hurt, and yeah I would cry, most likely, but it sure hurts more like this...because it's almost the end of grade 11 now. And how long have you guys been hiding this from me?
sammy says:
since you started crying every day
sammy says:
I really hate to be the bitch here
sammy says:
but everyone I talked to is tired of how you are
sammy says:
and even people who arent your friends, know this is how you are and they told me they are tired of it too
ashleyyy... says:
Well like i said before, Im trying to change/
ashleyyy... says:
Ok, this semester, I was starting to heal myself, I really was.
ashleyyy... says:
It may not have been so noticeable to you guys
ashleyyy... says:
but i really was
sammy says:
You're something different when you're talking in conversations like this, but on the outside you look like you're attention whore who cries.. and no one thinks you have anything to say, but I give you credit that you do
sammy says:
In the real world, you cant just cry in the middle of a meeting because your boss picks on you
sammy says:
or run to the bathroom
ashleyyy... says:
i'm aware of that
sammy says:
you really cant tell on the outside
sammy says:
but its good to know that you know that, and that isnt meant to sound bitchy. its meant to sound like im proud of you that you know that because they all think you dont
ashleyyy... says:
yeah, i know it, but if someone does something mean to me, I will cry. because that's just me. I'm really sensitive,
ashleyyy... says:
which is probably why they think i dont know it
ashleyyy... says:
i cry when a horrible thought comes into my head.
sammy says:
you got to flush it out
sammy says:
i get those too
ashleyyy... says:
sometimes i'm able to flush it out, sometimes i'm not.
sammy says:
maybe you need to talk to someone about that
ashleyyy... says:
yeah i guess
ashleyyy... says:
but really, i was healing when this semester came...
ashleyyy... says:
i was healing little by little, very slowly
ashleyyy... says:
but right now, i'm not sure if this whole thing should be considered a part of the healing process, or if it's just another big wound
sammy says:
you should take it as a possitive thing
sammy says:
would you rather not know at all?
sammy says:
all the hiding behind your back
ashleyyy... says:
true..
ashleyyy... says:
it's not going to be awkward at school, is it?
sammy says:
no
sammy says:
i just dont want anything to do with you until you change
ashleyyy... says:
i am changing, little by little
ashleyyy... says:
i havent cried in school yet, if that counts
ashleyyy... says:
because you guys are entertaining and fun. i like you guys. you make me forget about my problems.
ashleyyy... says:
i dont know why, but it's mostly when i'm alone that i start feeling depressed
sammy says:
what did jess say
ashleyyy... says:
about what?
sammy says:
whatever she said when you talked to her
ashleyyy... says:
actually, she didnt say much
sammy says:
what did you say and what did she say
ashleyyy... says:
oh well she did make some points
ashleyyy... says:
like there are times when i feel like i'm never apart of a small group of friends, and she reminded me that i was invited to vivians birthday
ashleyyy... says:
ok, i just noticed something
ashleyyy... says:
i love you guys because you guys are fun, and loud and stuff.
ashleyyy... says:
you guys have wayyy less drama in your lives than other people do
ashleyyy... says:
i think thats all i need. fun people. i cant be with people who are just as messed up as i am because i'll just want to scream
ashleyyy... says:
trying to help them and myself at the same time
sammy says:
jess
sammy says:
we're all messed up
sammy says:
the reason we have fun is to forget about it all
sammy says:
i mean ash
sammy says:
fuck its late
sammy says:
and im drugged up
sammy says:
nyquil
sammy says:
so yeah
sammy says:
camila has problems
sammy says:
jess has problems
sammy says:
i have problems
sammy says:
we talk about it for a little
sammy says:
then we have fun
ashleyyy... says:
well none of you talk to me about
ashleyyy... says:
your problems
ashleyyy... says:
THAT"S why i'm always upset and feeling lonely
ashleyyy... says:
because i want to try and help
sammy says:
because you havent maybe formed that kind of relationship with them.. no one wants to tell you because youre sad about yourself
ashleyyy... says:
ughhhhh this is driving me crazyyy...we all used to be friends in grade 9
ashleyyy... says:
we had that kind of relationship back then, i think
sammy says:
the thing is
sammy says:
camila doesnt know jess's problems
sammy says:
and jess doesnt know camilas problems
sammy says:
camila thinks false shit about jess, which i know arent true
ashleyyy... says:
can i ask you something? when you said that even people who arent my friends know how i am..
sammy says:
yes
sammy says:
other people
ashleyyy... says:
like who
sammy says:
think youre really sad
sammy says:
im not going to say who they are
sammy says:
just your general classmates
sammy says:
make comments that they see you cry
sammy says:
im not even their friend, they just say it when i pass by
ashleyyy... says:
oh
ashleyyy... says:
well anyways, maybe camila and jess should talk to each other one day?
sammy says:
they maybe do and i dont know about it
sammy says:
but theres some things can only tell someone once you know they been through the same thing
ashleyyy... says:
thats true
ashleyyy... says:
but yeah, in grade 9 we all used to friends...jess, camila, vivian, paula..
ashleyyy... says:
we used to have that close kind of friendship i valued
sammy says:
they still are close, but camila spent all her time towards victor but shes still kinda there
ashleyyy... says:
i know...i guess i'm the one who's drifted away
ashleyyy... says:
ughhh isnt this killing you? it's killing me
sammy says:
what is?
ashleyyy... says:
this whole thingy
sammy says:
im numb to it now
sammy says:
i got too involved in it
sammy says:
i just want to be with the two people who connected with me, which were jess and camila.. and they wanted to backout because of you and that made me feel shitty of course but when can you do
ashleyyy... says:
AHHH i'm sorry
ashleyyy... says:
i wanted to be you because you connected with me
ashleyyy... says:
you were like the one person i've felt actually cared so far
sammy says:
i did
ashleyyy... says:
i'm sorry i took it so far
sammy says:
but i just didnt want to deal with you anymore because you werent changing
ashleyyy... says:
I'm..try....ing....
sammy says:
well whatever happens, happens
ashleyyy... says:
like i said before, i was starting to heal a bit when the new sem came
sammy says:
we need to see more
sammy says:
i already had this huge thing with katarina trying to get camila in our room and that wasnt pretty and it actually involved miss miller
sammy says:
so im not going to go to a teacher again to fuss over it more
sammy says:
theres just a time where you back up and the chips fall where they may
sammy says:
if you are in our room, i wont mind
ashleyyy... says:
i just dont want to end up fighting with someone on trip...it may sound selfish, but if i do i'll just be re-living the past. and i dont want that.
sammy says:
jess might fight with you
ashleyyy... says:
because drama seems to follow me wherever i go, and im trying to ditch it
sammy says:
she doesnt want someone depressed in the room
ashleyyy... says:
well i wont be depresed
ashleyyy... says:
i wont complain about my problems
sammy says:
dont fake it
ashleyyy... says:
I'm not
sammy says:
deal with the problems
sammy says:
alright
ashleyyy... says:
this is like the only problem i have
ashleyyy... says:
that, i miss my sister like HELL
ashleyyy... says:
*that, and
sammy says:
i dont know whose going to be in whose room
sammy says:
i do know im going to bed
sammy says:
goodnight ash
ashleyyy... says:
ok, goodnight
ashleyyy... says:
get better soon.
sammy says:
thankyou
sammy says:
you should go to bed too
ashleyyy... says:
i will. and im sorry about all this.
sammy says:
its out there already