see the past

[falloutgirl48]

if only someone could understand me.
understand that a plane crash is a beautiful thing.
drink your last drinks.
makeout hard with the person next to you.
eat your peanuts.
and laugh.
dont cry.
thats the way i think.
and i cant seem to find who can understand that.
duke. mostly duke.
others...are trying.

i dont know why i write in this thing.
i started it for alisha.
and still do it for alisha.
i like to look back and read the silly things i have said.
i like to go relive memories.
memories i hate. memories i love.

my dad is still in georgia and when he comes home
im screwed.
i have been skipping school non stop for about 3 weeks now
but iam here today.
today.
right now. im at school. sitting. observing everyone. like i always do.
how odd. so immature. i can type faster then them.
i just want to grab my pen and write down everything i see.
how annoying guys never shut the fuck up.
and how stupid girls ask how candy gets sour.
how the science teacher is a douche. and the math teacher is a faggot.
how saying douche and faggot is so ridiculous but it seems to always flow out of my
dirty mouth.
a mouth which my mother wishes she could wash out with soup.

im going to get a job.
i swear it.
and then gay boy abby.....will have money.
and you will be jealous.
but first i will have to teach you the definition of jealousy.
or maybe teach you first before that....how to spell it.

im suprised i have wrote this much.
and come this far.
a cigarette sounds nice.
i cigarette in my windowsil.
listening to conor.
thinking of everything.
and missing rehab.
loving my boyfriend.
and all my friends.
missing kelly.
wondering if i had stayed in treatment longer....
if something would have changed.