Life is so draining....
I'm ready to give up.
Yesterday I went to send a message to my ex on myspace about something and found out he's back with that whore. After only one freakin' week of me not talking with him. After he swore to me that it was truly over between them b/c she only reminded him of me. BULLSHIT! All of it!!! My stomach hurts sooo bad. I just want to curl up and die.
It's a horrible feeling to feel like after giving someone 4 years of your life they could so easily just turn to someone else. And now I am stuck here thinking about them together. Kissing and whatever else whores do.
I feel like I really need someone to talk to. Like professionally. I've never felt so low in my life. I've never been tempted to end it all. And I mean seriously end it all. I want so badly to call someone and talk to them but I feel like all my friends are sick of hearing about it. And they don't understand why I can't just let it go. I'm so alone here. So alone. :-(
On another note, Allan still isn't talking to me. And that only makes me feel worse b/c I don't know what happened. How did it all get so messed up? I called him last night and he answered but that's only cuz my number was blocked. I freaked out and hung up b/c I was really afraid if I said something he'd hang up on me and I really don't think I can handle that right now. But I want nothing more than to be his friend again. I never ever felt that way with a boy before. Like nothing in the world mattered. He was so carefree and just so...fun. And his smile. :-) I miss him terribly! If he was in my life this whole Kris thing would be much easier.
There's this one guy that likes me but he is way too creepy about it. I barely met him a week ago and he texts me at night telling me he's going to sleep cuddling a pillow and pretending it's me. He calls me sweetheart or pretend girlfriend. That might've been cute 3 months from now when this whole ex thing blows over but right now it just makes me sad and makes me want to vomit. And I don't want to hurt his feelings by asking him to stop. AGH!
So I might be moving to Montana. Or Corona, CA. I haven't really decided yet. Montana has it's ups b/c it's super far from Kris, it's a fresh start, there's no temptation to see Kris or anything, and I think I could do alright out there.
The downside is it's really far from my family, the only ppl I know out there are my aunt and uncle who I'm not very close to, and right now I think being far from my family will be worse on me.
Corona's ups are it's still in cali so my family won't be far, i've lived there before and had a lot of fun so I know it'll take my mind off of this, i think i could be ok out there. Corona's downside is it's only about 20 miles from Kris, I'd constantly be thinking of him or worried I'm going to see him and her together, it's really expensive to live there, I had trouble finding a job last time, and most importantly I think it might actually be harder to get over Kris b/c he's so close.
But honestly, I don't think I can make it in Montana b/c I'll be so far from my family. And I'll be even more lonely than I am right now.
I am soooo confused. I just want to die.
Yesterday I went to send a message to my ex on myspace about something and found out he's back with that whore. After only one freakin' week of me not talking with him. After he swore to me that it was truly over between them b/c she only reminded him of me. BULLSHIT! All of it!!! My stomach hurts sooo bad. I just want to curl up and die.
It's a horrible feeling to feel like after giving someone 4 years of your life they could so easily just turn to someone else. And now I am stuck here thinking about them together. Kissing and whatever else whores do.
I feel like I really need someone to talk to. Like professionally. I've never felt so low in my life. I've never been tempted to end it all. And I mean seriously end it all. I want so badly to call someone and talk to them but I feel like all my friends are sick of hearing about it. And they don't understand why I can't just let it go. I'm so alone here. So alone. :-(
On another note, Allan still isn't talking to me. And that only makes me feel worse b/c I don't know what happened. How did it all get so messed up? I called him last night and he answered but that's only cuz my number was blocked. I freaked out and hung up b/c I was really afraid if I said something he'd hang up on me and I really don't think I can handle that right now. But I want nothing more than to be his friend again. I never ever felt that way with a boy before. Like nothing in the world mattered. He was so carefree and just so...fun. And his smile. :-) I miss him terribly! If he was in my life this whole Kris thing would be much easier.
There's this one guy that likes me but he is way too creepy about it. I barely met him a week ago and he texts me at night telling me he's going to sleep cuddling a pillow and pretending it's me. He calls me sweetheart or pretend girlfriend. That might've been cute 3 months from now when this whole ex thing blows over but right now it just makes me sad and makes me want to vomit. And I don't want to hurt his feelings by asking him to stop. AGH!
So I might be moving to Montana. Or Corona, CA. I haven't really decided yet. Montana has it's ups b/c it's super far from Kris, it's a fresh start, there's no temptation to see Kris or anything, and I think I could do alright out there.
The downside is it's really far from my family, the only ppl I know out there are my aunt and uncle who I'm not very close to, and right now I think being far from my family will be worse on me.
Corona's ups are it's still in cali so my family won't be far, i've lived there before and had a lot of fun so I know it'll take my mind off of this, i think i could be ok out there. Corona's downside is it's only about 20 miles from Kris, I'd constantly be thinking of him or worried I'm going to see him and her together, it's really expensive to live there, I had trouble finding a job last time, and most importantly I think it might actually be harder to get over Kris b/c he's so close.
But honestly, I don't think I can make it in Montana b/c I'll be so far from my family. And I'll be even more lonely than I am right now.
I am soooo confused. I just want to die.