"She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take."
What do you do when you feel so insecure and jealous that all you want to do is sleep and not wake up? It's stupid, I know, but I don't know how to change it.
Let's be honest, I've been a very good girl... not having too many partners to say the least. But Steve... ha... 30 plus. All I can think about is that naked picture I saw on his phone... or him saying he was still in love with his ex... or the way he was incredibaly mean to me. But that was months and months ago. It's like he is a completely different person... the best. But I still can't get those words and images and the feelings I had felt out of me. It's really putting a damper on the relationship.
I've never been jealous or insecure. Being cheated on, even if it was ages ago, can damage a person. I need to find a way to strengthen myself. Being lied to sucks too. Steve's done that. Boo.
I just don't want to ruin what him and I have. It really is amazing despite the stupid fights that usually stem from either my insecurity or jealousy... come to think of it, they come hand-in-hand. And they really need to go away.
Why can't I forget his past? I've forgotten mine... except when I get sad when him and I fight... I go back... as I'm sure he does too. Sure, sometimes I question whether him and I will make it... but it's because I'd rather hurt him before he gets the chance to hurt me.
I think the reason I have such a hard time with his past when it came to being intimate with someone and how I was intimate with someone are on two different playing fields. I truly thought I was in love with the guys. And I would NEVER have sex with someone who didn't "love" me and that I didn't "love". Then there's Steve... 30 plus... need I say more? Yeah... I know I'm a hypocrite because I slept with him with barely knowing him, so of course love was out of the question. I only did it so I can try something out of character for me... it was dumb, but smart at the same time. I met the most amazing man I will ever know. Of course, I didn't really know this until he was done being mean (and he says he was oblivious to it) to me. I wonder why I stayed. I cried a lot. And I still am carrying onto that extra baggage from when we first started seeing each other. I don't know how to let go of the anger, sadness, pain, jealousy and insecurity... all of which I felt when I started to just like him. I keep asking myself why did I put up with it? Am I the type of person who sickenly likes being hurt? Who likes crying? I don't think so, but who knows... it happens all too often.
Blah. What I do know is if this relationship is going to work, this way I feel... needs to change, fast. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside and will never be good enough for the man who's had everyone, while I've had all that I needed... not a lot.
Love always,
Fallon
Let's be honest, I've been a very good girl... not having too many partners to say the least. But Steve... ha... 30 plus. All I can think about is that naked picture I saw on his phone... or him saying he was still in love with his ex... or the way he was incredibaly mean to me. But that was months and months ago. It's like he is a completely different person... the best. But I still can't get those words and images and the feelings I had felt out of me. It's really putting a damper on the relationship.
I've never been jealous or insecure. Being cheated on, even if it was ages ago, can damage a person. I need to find a way to strengthen myself. Being lied to sucks too. Steve's done that. Boo.
I just don't want to ruin what him and I have. It really is amazing despite the stupid fights that usually stem from either my insecurity or jealousy... come to think of it, they come hand-in-hand. And they really need to go away.
Why can't I forget his past? I've forgotten mine... except when I get sad when him and I fight... I go back... as I'm sure he does too. Sure, sometimes I question whether him and I will make it... but it's because I'd rather hurt him before he gets the chance to hurt me.
I think the reason I have such a hard time with his past when it came to being intimate with someone and how I was intimate with someone are on two different playing fields. I truly thought I was in love with the guys. And I would NEVER have sex with someone who didn't "love" me and that I didn't "love". Then there's Steve... 30 plus... need I say more? Yeah... I know I'm a hypocrite because I slept with him with barely knowing him, so of course love was out of the question. I only did it so I can try something out of character for me... it was dumb, but smart at the same time. I met the most amazing man I will ever know. Of course, I didn't really know this until he was done being mean (and he says he was oblivious to it) to me. I wonder why I stayed. I cried a lot. And I still am carrying onto that extra baggage from when we first started seeing each other. I don't know how to let go of the anger, sadness, pain, jealousy and insecurity... all of which I felt when I started to just like him. I keep asking myself why did I put up with it? Am I the type of person who sickenly likes being hurt? Who likes crying? I don't think so, but who knows... it happens all too often.
Blah. What I do know is if this relationship is going to work, this way I feel... needs to change, fast. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside and will never be good enough for the man who's had everyone, while I've had all that I needed... not a lot.
Love always,
Fallon