(no subject)
::sigh:: I hate myself SO much. I just want to die, literally. I won't kill myself, but I'm just so frustrated with my body inside and out. I've been cutting and purging WAY too much (any is too much). This is hopeless. I can't recover yet, I'm not ready. Each time I do I just gain more weight (duh right?). I'm not underweight so I don't need to gain weight. When I try to let myself eat whatever amount I want (calories are still 1000-2000) I gain. I think most is water weight from the massive amount of salt I use. I'm SO addicted. I can't go one day without it so I know this is waterweight. My response is "i'll just not eat so it'll go away." Then the 'healthy' side of me thinks "that's stupid, just eat." So I do and that turns into a binge and purge. Grr.
What scares me is that I've been having the anorexic thoughts again and i'm not fighting back one bit. That "healthy" voice isn't here anymore. It's scarey, but comforting at the same time.
What scares me is that I've been having the anorexic thoughts again and i'm not fighting back one bit. That "healthy" voice isn't here anymore. It's scarey, but comforting at the same time.