(no subject)
I just don't know what to do anymore. Im so lost and alone.
Im at the point in my life where I just cant seem to keep going on. I was doing better I was struggling through with the help of my councellor. But now I took all of that away from myself. I fucked up and school adn now here I am. Im paying for my bad deeds. Everything I do just comes back to haunt me. I swear I cant even do anything right anymore. Ive been doing some deep soul searching latly adn I just dont know how Ive made it this far, Im a pthetic wretch, a pitiful excuse for a human being, adn dont feed mem any of that bullshit about how Im not, I know how I feel inside, Im the one who has been wishing and praying for death everyday. I hope that everyyday that I wake up that this will be my last day on this earth.
Yeah one of my so called friends yelled at me today because as it was put to me "Im always down" well fuck what the hell do they expect from me. Anotherone I dont know how she was diagnosed with depression, her problem is drugs, I helped keep her clean and she is back at it, Im sure she will end up back in the hospital again soo too. she jsut doesnt get it. Nobody gets it. It is plain to see to everyone, no matter how hard I try to cover it up that Im insanly depressed, I try to cheer myself up, do the things I love. like today I went fishing after getting ditched by our professional guide that we payred like $400 to and he never showed. I went sfishing on my own adn you know what happened? My favorite fishing real, one that I spent $125 broke, yup broke. Not to mention in the past 2 weeks I have busted 3 fishing rods. I swear I just cant even fish anymore, the thing that I loved the most adn could do the best I cant even do right anymore. Im about ready to loose my mind.
Today was the first day i had talked to people online in like almost a week I think. I feel like Im a bother to everyone. Half the peopel I try to talk to never even respond, its liek if you are going to be like that then just fucking block me. I dont even know whats up with a few peopel we used to be close and now its like we never talk anymore. Yeah Im sure this is my fault, Im sure somehow Im just driving anyone and everyone away. I have never in my life needed a IRL by my side. A friend girlfriend someone to just pick my ass up outta this slump cause I cant seem to do it myself.
I cant even cry anymore, I cant no matter how hard I try to or need to ll it is is a sob adn no tears, I have cruied tooo much adn my heart is so cold now. Bad shit happenes so much I am used to it. Noo need to shed tears over shit that is almost expected to go wrong.
My parents know I am not doing well. that is easy to see. finally got a T appointment Dec. 2nd. But they can see Im struggling. Its obvious. They just feel helpess adn are worried about me, hell everysone seems worried aboutr me. Im sorry all I really am you shouldnt worry about me, I dont want anyone to worry about me, please dont. This is my life, my pain, my depression you should not have to worry.
SO I sit here and just listen to music all night, dont sleep at all just sit here sorta drifting in and out of reality, always have something to worry about, something to keep my mind racing, something to keep me awake. Whether it is the stinging itch from that fresh wound or pussy burn, or that thought about the previous day, or the urge to end it all, somethign keeps me up, something keeps me awake into the darkes relms of the night, hoping, dreaming, adn wishing for that day when I will finally lay at rest. When I finally wont have this ache in my heart, frown on my face, adn arm covered by scars, none of that will matter then.
Im at the point in my life where I just cant seem to keep going on. I was doing better I was struggling through with the help of my councellor. But now I took all of that away from myself. I fucked up and school adn now here I am. Im paying for my bad deeds. Everything I do just comes back to haunt me. I swear I cant even do anything right anymore. Ive been doing some deep soul searching latly adn I just dont know how Ive made it this far, Im a pthetic wretch, a pitiful excuse for a human being, adn dont feed mem any of that bullshit about how Im not, I know how I feel inside, Im the one who has been wishing and praying for death everyday. I hope that everyyday that I wake up that this will be my last day on this earth.
Yeah one of my so called friends yelled at me today because as it was put to me "Im always down" well fuck what the hell do they expect from me. Anotherone I dont know how she was diagnosed with depression, her problem is drugs, I helped keep her clean and she is back at it, Im sure she will end up back in the hospital again soo too. she jsut doesnt get it. Nobody gets it. It is plain to see to everyone, no matter how hard I try to cover it up that Im insanly depressed, I try to cheer myself up, do the things I love. like today I went fishing after getting ditched by our professional guide that we payred like $400 to and he never showed. I went sfishing on my own adn you know what happened? My favorite fishing real, one that I spent $125 broke, yup broke. Not to mention in the past 2 weeks I have busted 3 fishing rods. I swear I just cant even fish anymore, the thing that I loved the most adn could do the best I cant even do right anymore. Im about ready to loose my mind.
Today was the first day i had talked to people online in like almost a week I think. I feel like Im a bother to everyone. Half the peopel I try to talk to never even respond, its liek if you are going to be like that then just fucking block me. I dont even know whats up with a few peopel we used to be close and now its like we never talk anymore. Yeah Im sure this is my fault, Im sure somehow Im just driving anyone and everyone away. I have never in my life needed a IRL by my side. A friend girlfriend someone to just pick my ass up outta this slump cause I cant seem to do it myself.
I cant even cry anymore, I cant no matter how hard I try to or need to ll it is is a sob adn no tears, I have cruied tooo much adn my heart is so cold now. Bad shit happenes so much I am used to it. Noo need to shed tears over shit that is almost expected to go wrong.
My parents know I am not doing well. that is easy to see. finally got a T appointment Dec. 2nd. But they can see Im struggling. Its obvious. They just feel helpess adn are worried about me, hell everysone seems worried aboutr me. Im sorry all I really am you shouldnt worry about me, I dont want anyone to worry about me, please dont. This is my life, my pain, my depression you should not have to worry.
SO I sit here and just listen to music all night, dont sleep at all just sit here sorta drifting in and out of reality, always have something to worry about, something to keep my mind racing, something to keep me awake. Whether it is the stinging itch from that fresh wound or pussy burn, or that thought about the previous day, or the urge to end it all, somethign keeps me up, something keeps me awake into the darkes relms of the night, hoping, dreaming, adn wishing for that day when I will finally lay at rest. When I finally wont have this ache in my heart, frown on my face, adn arm covered by scars, none of that will matter then.