(no subject)
Latly its been fucked up. My closer friends I have sorta isolated from barely talked to anyone online at all just sit here doing nothing and I dotn know why I want to talk to people but I just feel like an attention whore adn the only way I can not feel that way is to not talk to people. Thats the only way I can be sure that Im not an attention whore because I feel like one.
My parents have been pressign me a lot to keep talking with them adn updating them on how I am doing adn talking to me almost everyday, Im not going to be rude about it but I am going to have to ask them to back off a little bit it is too much to deal with. My T I sorta lied to told her I didnt SI in the past two weeks when iin the past few days I have done it twice once last night and once another night last night it was bad.
Myself? Ive been in turmoil but ive been trying to get better I am isolating sorta adn being forced to isolate othertimes. I have been haning out with peopel a little more latly but for the most part I am still alone in the room. I have been totally lost in such deep thoughts latly analizing what I feel adn what I feel liek that and what the causes are and what Ive been doing because of those feeligns adn all sorts of stuff.
Looking back I can see that those who have made my life miserable all the way up through most likly had their share of problems, abusive families or families where they got no attention so they greww up in fear adn with the only understanding of how to get popular adn noticed to pick on others adn that was the way to fit in. So people trying to avoided being harassed in turn turned around and became the people who did the harasing. That they probably lacked self confidence adn that is how they made themselves feel better by putting others down.
That those kids that I got into scuffles adn fights with were most likly physically abused or beaten and that was what they were taught you dotn like something or somene you "punish" them. So they in turn became abusers themselves.
That from the harassement I could not realize that because I was so young and looked into myself to try to figure what I had done wrong, what i had done to deserve the harassement of peers adn the abuse of peopple in athority. I thought I had done something to deserve it so I started to hate myself adn that is where some of the earliest urges to hurt myself came from, so in turn I too became adn abuser, except not of others but myself. I turned the abuse liek all others had, onto myself. Not just cutting but I was a very rough and tumble kid always getting bruises adn pushing his body to the limits constantly. Eventually my abuse turned into self injury.
That the competative nature of a friend grew into hatred from him towards me because I never wanted to compete but just to have fun in sports, and excape of mine but always could keep up with him. FRom my fights adn rough adn tumble lifestyle as a kid I grew muscles adn eventually became one of the strongest kids in my grade, by my senior year benching 250 pounds. But as a teen this is what ended any urge from others to try to assult me, I could return as much or more damage as they dished out. I began to win most fist fights I got into and learned quickly how to defend myself. I learned how to hit hard adn take a hit. In turn I learned how to abuse. As soon as the fights ended I vowed never to start a fight ever, only end them. I have never in my life taken the first swing in a fist fight.
My parents have been pressign me a lot to keep talking with them adn updating them on how I am doing adn talking to me almost everyday, Im not going to be rude about it but I am going to have to ask them to back off a little bit it is too much to deal with. My T I sorta lied to told her I didnt SI in the past two weeks when iin the past few days I have done it twice once last night and once another night last night it was bad.
Myself? Ive been in turmoil but ive been trying to get better I am isolating sorta adn being forced to isolate othertimes. I have been haning out with peopel a little more latly but for the most part I am still alone in the room. I have been totally lost in such deep thoughts latly analizing what I feel adn what I feel liek that and what the causes are and what Ive been doing because of those feeligns adn all sorts of stuff.
Looking back I can see that those who have made my life miserable all the way up through most likly had their share of problems, abusive families or families where they got no attention so they greww up in fear adn with the only understanding of how to get popular adn noticed to pick on others adn that was the way to fit in. So people trying to avoided being harassed in turn turned around and became the people who did the harasing. That they probably lacked self confidence adn that is how they made themselves feel better by putting others down.
That those kids that I got into scuffles adn fights with were most likly physically abused or beaten and that was what they were taught you dotn like something or somene you "punish" them. So they in turn became abusers themselves.
That from the harassement I could not realize that because I was so young and looked into myself to try to figure what I had done wrong, what i had done to deserve the harassement of peers adn the abuse of peopple in athority. I thought I had done something to deserve it so I started to hate myself adn that is where some of the earliest urges to hurt myself came from, so in turn I too became adn abuser, except not of others but myself. I turned the abuse liek all others had, onto myself. Not just cutting but I was a very rough and tumble kid always getting bruises adn pushing his body to the limits constantly. Eventually my abuse turned into self injury.
That the competative nature of a friend grew into hatred from him towards me because I never wanted to compete but just to have fun in sports, and excape of mine but always could keep up with him. FRom my fights adn rough adn tumble lifestyle as a kid I grew muscles adn eventually became one of the strongest kids in my grade, by my senior year benching 250 pounds. But as a teen this is what ended any urge from others to try to assult me, I could return as much or more damage as they dished out. I began to win most fist fights I got into and learned quickly how to defend myself. I learned how to hit hard adn take a hit. In turn I learned how to abuse. As soon as the fights ended I vowed never to start a fight ever, only end them. I have never in my life taken the first swing in a fist fight.