useless....
it seems like in the past few days that i can't seem to get anything right. i try and i try and i try, but it just comes out like shit. i'm so depressed that i tried to count how many times in the past 2 weeks i've just thought about ending it all, not just friendships, but just relationships, but everything. it was many more times that i could count on both hands. i dont want to go on anymore. everything is going horribly wrong in my life that nothing makes sense anymore. working doest make me happy like it used to. i used to have fun at work, meeting people, seeing cute little faces and things like that. but working at the hospital and at PP makes me think that its never going to turn out like that for me. i hate my life. i hate everything about my life.
i feel completely stupid and useless. i feel like no matter what i do it doesnt matter. i cant work, i havent been able to sleep, nothing tastes right anymore...i'm so lonely that my heart hurts every time i see that i missed one of his calls. (11) it reads. he showed me his missed calls the other day...i almost threw up (222). i'm pathetic. i'm so needy and whiny that i disgust myself. i couldnt even look at myself in the mirror at all today. i'm disgusted with myself. i'm such a horrible person i cant believe it.
the only thing i think that's keeping me from ending it all...is my mom. i think it would kill her. so would the fact that i got a letter of "dismissal" from ARC the other day. kicked out of a JC, you dont get more stupid than that. cant even graduate from a jc...pathetic. if only my father could see me now. he'd disown me...hell, i'd do it myself, i know i deserve it....
i just dont know what to do anymore. i feel like such an inconvenince and a burden to everyone and everything.
i was on the verge of tears all day long. my mom kept asking if i wanted someone to come over tomorrow night to this little party that she's having. kort is bringing 2 friends...i have no one. and the one person i really do want to come, well, he's not too happy with me at the moment. i'm not a psycic but i do see a lot of graveling in my future. baby, i have no excuse for what i did, and i'm terribly sorry for it. i cried myself to sleep last night, not just for being sorry for what i did, but for betraying your trust. my mom almost made me break out into tears after we had that conversation...she continued to go on about how it isnt right, how we "dont follow through" with any plans we make. how i'm too smart and pretty to do this to myself, how i have so much more patience than she would in my situation.
well you know what. YES I FUCKING DO! i know for a fact that she never really loved my dad. he told me on his death bed that my mother had an abortion when they were married. the baby wasnt his. makes me think you know. can i really trust her to tell me anything. it makes me furious that she kept her marriage to Eric a secret from me for 2 weeks. it makes me furious that he moved in with us no more than 6 months after my fathers ashes were laid to rest. the only time i've ever felt comfort and calm these past few weeks is when i'm up there visiting him, or when i'm in Phil's arms.
why cant she just let things be! why cant everyone just drop it! i know i've been a miserable bitch lately, but that's go nothing to do with the fact that from day one i knew that this man was the one that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. yes i did lose my patience the other day baby, and i'm sorry that i invaded your privacy like that. but...i'm sorry. i've lost the words.
leave us be for fuck sake! i love him more than anything in this world and nothing anyone says about him could make me change my mind. why cant i just feel one moment of happiness?!? is that too much to ask? i know i've been a slut in the past. i know i've slept with more than my fair share of men, but i just want all that thinking to end. i know what/who i want. i just hope he can forgive me and we can begin the rest of our lives together on a good step. i miss him so much my heart aches. i worry too much. fuck the "average maintenance" Sir, i am high maintenance. and i love you so much for putting up with me and loving me no matter how crazy i get. i cant imagine my life without you, and i dont want to....i love you so much...
i'm going to bed now. strangely enough i feel better. getting that all out. i'm sorry if this is long, but i dont know how to make the words lately...