(no subject)
come monday, i'll call the local family planning center. they've been looking for volunteers and i've meant to call them, but been postponing it, for all the wrong reasons. although my job requires such an intense involvement in social matters, i feel disconnected from my roots. i've been too self-centered, miles away from the woman i used to be who put too much energy into her social practice and lost herself. i feel like i took the opposite stance, because it was time to center on myself. i changed jobs, because i felt it was time to, because teaching felt like the right thing to do, but also because it was wise as far as my own future went. i also acquired an apartment, renovated it, and focused on my family and on patrick. the next five years have carefully been planned out, except for the dysfunctional fertility. and now i feel like i'm left with a major void. how stereotypical.
come to think of it, the void isn't solely related to my fucked up enconters with motherhood, and the ensuing agonizing wait. i guess focusing only on motherhood isn't my cup of tea. or is it? i feel lost. how fucking hard.
i need out of the crazy loop, and yet i can't just run away as i used to when i was younger. i need to stay, and face the dysfunction. for once, the craziness wil have to go away healthily.
i'm only left with looking at myself closely. what i've gathered so far hasn't been too pretty.
come to think of it, the void isn't solely related to my fucked up enconters with motherhood, and the ensuing agonizing wait. i guess focusing only on motherhood isn't my cup of tea. or is it? i feel lost. how fucking hard.
i need out of the crazy loop, and yet i can't just run away as i used to when i was younger. i need to stay, and face the dysfunction. for once, the craziness wil have to go away healthily.
i'm only left with looking at myself closely. what i've gathered so far hasn't been too pretty.