(no subject)
thanks for all the warm thoughts. it truly helps a lot, even from such a distance.
i'm starting to adjust. i think. actually, i'm terribly in survival mode. i've been extremely demanding with myself and i'm overworked. at least it allows me not to think about anything other than work most of the time. patrick is gone on tour for a whole month, and that's mostly what i needed. no relationship to deal with, just myself trying to cope and comprehend. tears still come way too easily, so i've been trying to keep them at bay. i don't want any pain, life's too short as it is already to waste it away.
i'm terrified about everything that's lying ahead. not being able to have children, or having to terminate because of other birth defects, or having children wih birth defects, or being terribly afraid throughout any future pregnancies, or having to wait too long and it hurts, or patrick being too old, or testing being too terrible to stand, or the doctors being uncooperative, or any other horrific news. i guess it's only better then that i don't think too much.
i've gone back yesterday on the folic acid supplements. the same ones that were meant to protect the baby against anencephaly, but didn't. i guess that's a first step, and guess what, that made me happy.
i'm starting to adjust. i think. actually, i'm terribly in survival mode. i've been extremely demanding with myself and i'm overworked. at least it allows me not to think about anything other than work most of the time. patrick is gone on tour for a whole month, and that's mostly what i needed. no relationship to deal with, just myself trying to cope and comprehend. tears still come way too easily, so i've been trying to keep them at bay. i don't want any pain, life's too short as it is already to waste it away.
i'm terrified about everything that's lying ahead. not being able to have children, or having to terminate because of other birth defects, or having children wih birth defects, or being terribly afraid throughout any future pregnancies, or having to wait too long and it hurts, or patrick being too old, or testing being too terrible to stand, or the doctors being uncooperative, or any other horrific news. i guess it's only better then that i don't think too much.
i've gone back yesterday on the folic acid supplements. the same ones that were meant to protect the baby against anencephaly, but didn't. i guess that's a first step, and guess what, that made me happy.