(no subject)
I'm not really sure if anyone reads this or if anyone even cares. My life is just so freaking blah right now... I feel like I'm a robot or something, wake up, eat, shower, get dressed, go to work, come home, read, sleep, repeat. I haven;t done any artwork in months. I mean, doodles here and there, but nothing signifigant at all. Haven;t made any jewelry recently either. Haven't really done much of anything at all. I feel like I'm walking around in this ugly grey fog. I owe people so much money, and when I try to think about all I need to do I feel like I'm going to throw up. To UArts alone I owe 2,490ish $, I was supposed to send them a check on the 23rd to start my payments, but i forgot, and now i dont have the money, and somehow i'm supposed to save like 400$ to go to Chicago before August 1st, well more like 500$ because I'm going to need to pay rent for that week and the week after, since I havent been at ICT long enough to get payed vacation, and then there are the health worries..I'm not going to even get into it, but i have no health insurance and if it turns out i have problems, well, i'm SOL. I have to find some way to get a vehicle, I mean, I get to use my dad's car when my sister goes away to school but I'm going to need one before that, so there is some more expenses, insurance, gas, possible car payments. I'm just so depressed right now, I seriously have considered committing myself or something. Oh yeah and I'm paying to go back to school, in the fall, which is like not even two months away. How i'm going to be a fulltime student nby day and work a fulltime job at night and still have time to sleep I don't know but I have to do it, because unless I become a business major, I'm paying for all of my own classes. If I had to major in business, I think I would shoot myself, or slit my wrists, or hang myself, or something. I just feel like it's all smothering me, like I can't breathe anymore. I really, really need to see if I can get back on medication, or see some sort of therapist or somethingbecause right now I feel like I'm being held together with scotch tape. I just can't belive I've made such a fucking mess of my life, I can;t even think of what would have happened if i had just stuck it out at school, then i wouldnt be having all these problems, my family wouldnt think i'm a loser and a failure and constantly compare me to my friends and my sister, who, unlike me, actually are doing something with their lives. I just don't see the point in waking up any more, don't see the point in making an effort. It's all so empty, so fucking meaning less.