Definition of a LONER
Sorry I haven't updated in a looong time. All this shit
has been going on and I can hardly seem to keep up with my school work.
Well.. on the 22nd of Feb. I went to the Taste of Chaos and The Used, My Chemical Romance, and Senses Fail were too awesome and so was Underoath. It was alot of fun.
Last night was Wendy's party. I always complain about drama and how people always cry over how their feelings are hurt or whatever, but what did I do last night at her party.. I cried. I was sitting at the table watching everyone together in the den and I started thinking about alot of things. I decided to go for a walk because I didn't want anyone to see me mad or depressed or anything, so I walked outside and I went the opposite direction that everyone else was in, but it turned out there were people in the direction I turned so I decided I would just walk down the street coming up, but then Nina got to me fast and I was already crying. Ryan and Derek thought one of the Norview boys was messing with me and they were ready to fight someone cuz they thought someone was messing with me. I guess I just kept stuff so bottled up that seeing everyone happy together and me sitting alone kind of triggered my emotions or thoughts or whatever. My thing is is that I'm just so miserable here and I'm praying that Lisa can get custody of me so I can move to California. I feel so uncomfortable around my own friends and I feel like I shouldn't be with them. I feel like everything I do is wrong since thats what I'm told all the time and I'm getting physically sick from all of this emotional pain. I put on ten pounds and I feel so fucking ugly and fat and god.. why the fuck is this happening to me. I'm not happy and I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not.. I'm scared that if I'm myself then none of my friends are gonna like me... they want to see me happy, so that what I give them.. a fake smile wrapped in a pretty pink bow.. but thats not me. Bottom line; I think I'm fat and ugly, I feel alone on everything, and I'm so fucking miserable that my emotional pain is taking a toll on me physically. I can't concentrate in school and I'm failing all my classes and everyone is disappointed in me. God... how did I get so far away this time?
//Alicia//
Last night was Wendy's party. I always complain about drama and how people always cry over how their feelings are hurt or whatever, but what did I do last night at her party.. I cried. I was sitting at the table watching everyone together in the den and I started thinking about alot of things. I decided to go for a walk because I didn't want anyone to see me mad or depressed or anything, so I walked outside and I went the opposite direction that everyone else was in, but it turned out there were people in the direction I turned so I decided I would just walk down the street coming up, but then Nina got to me fast and I was already crying. Ryan and Derek thought one of the Norview boys was messing with me and they were ready to fight someone cuz they thought someone was messing with me. I guess I just kept stuff so bottled up that seeing everyone happy together and me sitting alone kind of triggered my emotions or thoughts or whatever. My thing is is that I'm just so miserable here and I'm praying that Lisa can get custody of me so I can move to California. I feel so uncomfortable around my own friends and I feel like I shouldn't be with them. I feel like everything I do is wrong since thats what I'm told all the time and I'm getting physically sick from all of this emotional pain. I put on ten pounds and I feel so fucking ugly and fat and god.. why the fuck is this happening to me. I'm not happy and I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not.. I'm scared that if I'm myself then none of my friends are gonna like me... they want to see me happy, so that what I give them.. a fake smile wrapped in a pretty pink bow.. but thats not me. Bottom line; I think I'm fat and ugly, I feel alone on everything, and I'm so fucking miserable that my emotional pain is taking a toll on me physically. I can't concentrate in school and I'm failing all my classes and everyone is disappointed in me. God... how did I get so far away this time?
//Alicia//