Long rant...
This all might not make sense but I'm letting my mind run-
I feel like I need to get so many things off my chest because I've been constantly thinking about them. I've done a lot of stupid things in my life which I regret and I don't believe in the "no regrets" clause because they were things to not be at all proud of. I regret them but at the same time I learned my lessons. There have been incidents in which I have been involved in or even began but the difference between the things I've done versus the things done to me is that I never used information that was told to me to deliberately hurt anyone. I am honestly glad that certain people are no longer a part of my life and although I say that I never fully understood what happened. Now I digress, I was told many "secrets," if you will, by one of the parties involved and while I was friends with them I kept it all to myself, I honestly will never understand why tell people things if you're later going to deny the truth. I would have never mentioned anything until I was attacked because it was never my place. However, this person judged me knowing the things they've done...I was bad mouthed on more than 1 occasion by the other person while I knew information that could potentially destroy their relationship and being the person I am I took the humiliation one of these people put me through. There came a point I grew tired of everything because I guess I've always had a tough time letting things go especially not knowing what I did to deserve them.
To make a long story short, I "spilled the beans" and of course as I suspected I was called a liar among many other vicious things but that's all ok because I don't have to live with a lie and I don't have to carry the burden of my "secrets." This brings me to my next issue...using information which I told while holding a "friendship" with this person to maliciously attempt to hurt me goes beyond anything I've ever done. I honestly have no shame for the things they know that were used against me and I guess when you're miserable on the inside you would use things like that to attack someone with. My response was no better though and I actually regret even writing back to them and stooping down to their level because had I just not I would have been the bigger person and let them think all these things of me while they both have absolutely no grounds for any type of judgments. Having them use any feeble information about my past life or life in general to state their case proves my point on the type of people they are.
In turn it all made me think "were they right?" but instead of winning, their attempts came up completely worthless, I discovered a lot about myself through this entire ordeal and I want to actually point some things out about myself which I am certainly proud of...
I've been working since I was 15, not that I ever needed to but I wanted that independence. I have always strived to do better and considered myself a "go-getter." I began working at Dairy Queen at 15 and now I am 23 and working in accounting. I've never settled on anything nor will I ever and that makes me that much more ambitious. I moved out at 18 while I continued to work my way up in the job field. I've defaulted on school because of partying and stupidity but I maintained a full time job and finally got my own car at 20 which I put under my own name, 1 year later I traded in my first car to get a brand new car and although I had to save all the money by myself and it was extremely difficult, I managed to do so. I have never asked my parents for help or money and it's not like I couldn't because they've always been there in case I ever needed their help but that is not who my father raised, my father raised an independent and ambitious woman. My father & I have always had a great relationship and I consider him the epitome of what a father should be like. We've had our moments and mostly because of MY stupidity but I've corrected all that I've done to continue a relationship I'd never want to lose, he is someone I look up to. The doors to my parents house have always and will always remain open for me should I choose to walk through them and live there. I on the other hand continue to want my own independence because I feel like my parents did enough for me & taught me how to get what I want in life. I now live with my boyfriend in our own apartment, which we've been at for over a year. We pay rent, bills and still manage to do well for ourselves. I've had many great jobs [some I've lost for mistakes I committed] but what I've taken from them is more experience. Other's I've left on my own because they stopped challenging me or became stagnant. I've made sure that every new job I've gotten has paid me more money and I've managed to accomplish that. My current position I've been at going on 2 years in November. We've recently had massive layoffs and I managed to stay there due to my job performance. Three of the people laid off were individuals in my own department, 1 being the counterpart of my position so it was either her or I, and she went. When I was told I was the better choice for the long run I was thankful because it meant that the work I've done had reflected upon their decision. I'm also pregnant and I decided to go back to school, which I owed $1275 (for about 2 years) and paid off on my own not to mention what my two classes cost making it about $1800. My decision to go back to school came while being pregnant and although I should have decided to go back a long time ago, I didn't realize the importance until I had this small and fragile life growing inside of me. I want the best for my little girl, better than I had and better than I've done. I think it shows how much I've my mentality has matured. I could have simply decided not to go back being that many people would choose not to do so especially at 7 months pregnant but that isn't me. I've been working full time and going to school while being pregnant, it hasn't been easy but it's something that doesn't faze me because the purpose behind it is pushing me to excel that much more. Whoever thinks that a mother who works full time cannot complete school, well I'd like to say to them "WATCH ME." Realistically it might not be as fast as I'd like but I will do it especially now that I've already began the first stages. Had I not gotten pregnant I can't say I would have been responsible enough to be in school right now or striving to do as well as I am. I owe my little girl the world for getting me back on track among many other great things. The decision to have this baby was something my boyfriend and I consciously chose. He always wanted to have kids with me, I was always the hesitant one because I truly never saw my life with kids in it but that all changed...if this was about 2 years ago I would have not been in the right state of mind to even begin to take care of a child so I am glad things happened this way. There are things I've done that I am not proud of but those are things I had to choose for myself. In essence we all choose things that work for us, same reason this person chose not to tell the truth about certain things as it worked for her in order to keep her relationship. So what makes her any better than me? Why does she even have the right to attempt to bring me down? You must reflect on the things you've done before you can even talk about anyone else. Like I said, this whole situation put so many things into perspective...she focused all her energy on me so she doesn't have to look at herself and her mistakes. How can you say you've learned from your mistakes if you've never made amends for them? You've never had to suffer consequences for them? You cannot learn anything until you're put in a situation where your mistakes have impacted your life one way or another. All the mistakes I've committed I've paid for and they've all impacted my life but in the end look where I am. No matter what has happened, I still have the person I love by my side, the love of my family and a mentality that supersedes immaturity. Now I can only focus on myself, which I should have done from the beginning...one of my greatest faults is holding a grudge to things that are beyond my control and ultimately have nothing to do with my life. I thank these two people for letting me see that I am not as bad as they put me out to be. It was them who went as far as talking about my unborn child, which has absolutely nothing to do with this situation or any for that matter. Who does that? That alone is a true testament of who they are on the inside. It was one thing to talk about me but an innocent child? I guess desperation does that and it’s ok because no harm came to me from this. In light, the situation has taught me that I cannot control anything and that I cannot change things...it is what it is, I know the truth and who I am. Only an insecure person would deliberately try to knock another for all the things they cannot do themselves.
Everything I have, I’ve worked my ass off to get and I never asked for help to get. I know the real world because I set myself up to learn at an early age. Unless you’re in a better position than me, you have no room to talk. Unless you’ve done greater things than me, you have no place to speak.
I guess it goes without saying, don’t focus so much on me since I can prove the life I’ve lived…and while you’re just beginning your lives, mine continues to flourish because I gave myself that head start. Graduating college is a great accomplishment but doing so after you've also put it off and took longer than you should have because of things you've done in your own past, how does that give anyone room to speak on the things I am trying to accomplish for myself? Even having a degree does not prepare you for what is truly out there, someone who has sheltered themselves from the real world for so long cannot hold any superior grounds over anyone. I still have years ahead of me to complete everything I set out to do but at least I know where I stand. I know how hard life really is, I've fallen & gotten back up as so many people have. Point is, no one is better than anyone else...we all choose our own paths and some cross finish lines faster than others. Finally finishing your degree after your own fuck ups doesn't make you better than and it makes you no different either. I don't understand the hypocrisy but perhaps it's a complex some cannot rid themselves of.
In my 23 years I've done a lot of stupid shit but I've also accomplished all of the things I have set out to do. I’ve already partied and lived that aspect of life, something I grew tired of but am thankful I experienced at a young age. I am more than ready for the new things life has to offer. I don't see any limitations in my life, I won't stop until I get everything I want and everything I am shooting for. I'm in a much different place, and needless to say better place, than ever before. We all have set backs and obstacles to cross and it takes a strong person to be able to overcome them, something I am more than certain of being.