(no subject)
I just read Michelle's Xanga, and it seems we had a LOT of the same realizations this weekend. How odd.
This weekend was... many things. Friday night, we were bored off our asses until Alison found us a semi-party to go to. Before leaving, I was online with Sean, just whining my ass off about how innocent I am, and how much I hate it. I'm so jealous of Renee because she just has this sex appeal, and yes, of course there's a specific person involved in this (otherwise, I wouldn't be quite so jealous). While I was bitching and moaning, I realized it's all a confidence thing. There are so many things I don't like about myself, but I'm not even sure what they are. I want to be completely happy with who I am, because I know that it's only then that I can be happy.
Anyway, so we headed to this party. On the way, Renee & I picked out the guys we wanted for the night. As disgusting as that sounds, well, yeah. And I got mine. And it's just funny because I decided that I wanted this particular guy before I'd had a drop of alcohol. I remember everything we talked about and I'm really very curious as to whether or not he'll remember me. I drank too much, as usual, and ended up curled up in a chair until we left. Twenty-four ounce beers are NOT the same as twelve-ounce beers. This I must remember for next time, before I drink three of them and do stupid things like call Reid & leave Sean yet another drunken message.
Last night was, in a word, not-cool. We tried to have a party at Evan's, but it ended up being a sober Krystin surrounded by drunk and high people. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my night, so I called Brian to see if he could come pick me up. Thankfully, he did, but of course he had to drive a ton of us home and I kept flipping out and thinking the cops were after us. (What is with me and cops?!) I had to take care of a drunk person after that, but I'll be nice & spare the details so he doesn't get mad at me. Heh. He doesn't read this, anyway, but still!
Then today, I worked out, ate, and came home. I went and saw Love Actually with my mom and Amy, and I completely fell in love with it.
And as for my realizations... basically, I have no self-esteem, and I should. There is honestly nothing wrong with me. I've got people who openly admit that they'd drop anything to help me. I attract boys. I mean, hell. I'm attractive, I've got a personality (who cares if it annoys some people; they're not everyone), I guess I'm decently intelligent. The point is, I see all these horrible things in myself that aren't there. Realization number two is that as much fun as drinking and partying can be, sometimes it can really suck. And yeah, I'm still going to do it. But. I can't really expect any benefits from it, either. And third, well, I guess it's a few of the same realizations I've been making: risks are everything & you have to do what makes you happy. And fourth, the worst one... under all of this, I'm still lonely. Under my partying and my making out and my friends-with-benefits, I'm still looking for something. And I may have found it, I may not have. It's just difficult.
And life is just weird. Way weird. And I know I read too much into things. I expect too much sometimes, and other times I expect way too little. And it's okay. Life is good.