seventeen makes no sense
in my insomnia and boredom, i turned to old lj entries. i've had this thing since 2002 and my god, what a sad girl i was back then. sometimes i say i was sad & i think i'm exaggerating, but reading those entries almost makes me cry. how did i live like that?
and god, when i went to ohio for christmas & thought i'd found my missing piece. i don't think anyone ever knew how close i was to moving to ohio for school. i honest to god wrote "i might not ever have been this close to happy" a few days after that. i was amazed by speaking up in class.
"i wonder, sometimes, why life puts us back into the same painful situations over & over & over. maybe because that's what we're destined for & we need to learn how to pick up the pieces. maybe not. maybe just for fun, so we can learn how to deal with things. who knows." i still wonder that and it's almost been two years. i thought i was so fucking profound.
oh god i just came across the entry from when zach perry died. "two of my friends are... visiting god." i was so confused - were they at church? what? i remember i called justin and he said he'd call me back and i just dropped the phone. my very first brush with death. today (i guess yesterday) would've been my grandpa's 79th birthday. i remember that phone call, too. 8 AM, a voicemail, call me back. "grandpa dude died last night." how do you respond to that? i think i said something stupid. "how" or "when". i listened to frank sinatra then, some kind of tribute i guess.
i miss sara and abby. i miss sara's and my stupid wakeup calls. oh-e-oh-e-oh-e-oh! god we were so weird. "it's amazing who pops up again and who stays hidden in the woodwork. it's amazing what ends up mattering, who ends up mattering. who is there in the end, who you lose inadvertently, who you walk away from and never look back." yeah, yeah it is. i learn that more and more every damn day.
"i'm not good at making up blatant lies, so either work with me or shut up."
jessie and i weren't speaking at all. how weird is that. now we talk almost every day, now we're just as close as we ever were. we were right back in 8th grade when we said we couldn't get away from each other.
"&don't get me thinking about this war thing. if we're all going to die, i'd rather just be in denial." guess i didn't realize that two years later, some of the people i'm closest to would be directly effected. so much for denial. i remember when my boss told me "oh, the security guy told me we bombed iraq" like oh cool it ain't no thang.
oh man i miss working with marissa. that girl made me laugh like no other.
kristina and i talked all the damn time... and today we found out michael's roommate is from new hampshire, too. michael suggested we take a joint trip to NH sometime in the future. how effing awesome would that be?
uw waitlisted me. i think that means i'm a failure. i didn't care till my mom started in. "well you know you have a problem talking to people so how are you gonna handle being at western all alone? at least at the uw you'd be closer to home. i hope you don't get too homesick and have to drop out after 2 weeks. what are you gonna do when you have to eat, are you just gonna go eat alone?" and on and on and on. god that is so sad. I AM SO HAPPY NOW, why was i such a sad girl?!
and then it just gets really redundant. oh wahh shane doesn't want me. oh wahh jessie won't talk to me. oh wahh a & g are dating. oh wahh wahh wahhh. god. this makes me feel so good about my life NOW. haha.
"I hate how I come across people who are so much like me, but I'm afraid to say anything to them. I'm so very afraid of rejection..." that still stands. oh yes. and lately i can't figure out what i want or who i want to be. i don't fit in with anyone. i'm too rowdy to sit around and quietly enjoy coffee and beer and intellectual conversation (cause we all know i could've been intellectual in high school but my hanging out with 'stupid people' prohibited that) but i'm too introspective and conversational to totally dig people who only do the whole sleeping around always dancing at frat parties scene either. afherhuehrsdhghhr.
and it's amazing what i feel the need to document, haha.
okay, i need to stop. it's past 2 AM and i have to get up in 6 hours. damn classes. the entries are getting into a year ago and i just don't need that right now anyway. there was no point to me writing this except it took my mind off my current life and made me tired. that's all that matters.
and this: "and that's okay, because no matter what, a part of me will always be seventeen and scared, just like another portion of my being will always be thirteen and alone." so true. but the bigger part is way beyond that and you know, i think i'm okay with things.