this is more for/about me than anyone else. take it for what it's worth.
being the amazingly talented internet stalker i am, i just skimmed through quite a few livejournals belonging to people from kamiak. it's nearing graduation and i just have to say... high school is high school. there was a time when i wanted so badly to enjoy it, when i wanted that perfect, typical, fun and excrutiating high school experience. obviously, this never happened. kamiak, to me, is now little more than a word on job applications and a place i drive people by when they come to visit. "look at my high school. it's big and pretty." the end.
but the thing is, i've realized high school isn't the most important time of your life. if you live your entire life and look back and say that high school was the best part, i think that's sad - not sad because it means you're stupid or pathetic or anything like that, just sad because there is so much more to life and so much more the world has to offer.
since graduating, i've begun to learn and accept not only my shortcomings (which i am closer to dealing with productively, now) but also my strengths. i can look back and admit that i really did have very few friends in high school and i really did spend much of the final two years alone, but i can see how much i learned. how much i grew.
i've learned about friendship. those few friends i had in high school are still my friends. sometimes a bond goes beyond how often you are able to talk or see each other. i've learned about relationships, and how sometimes what you think you want is totally wrong for you and that sometimes, you really do have to compromise. a relationship really is a learning experience and something to work at - but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. i'm not so shy anymore. i can initiate conversations and i can convince myself, usually, that whoever i'm intimidated by really isn't "better" than me. i'm not so secretive about stupid things. i tell people how i feel and i've reached a point where i much prefer to have serious discussions in person rather than on the phone or, even worse, over the internet. i've embraced my deep side and i've recognized that i can have a lot of different sides that all blend into one person. i've learned that new friends can be just as important as old friends, that finding people to be truly comfortable with is one of the best things you can do for yourself. i've learned that time alone isn't a punishment - it's a gift. i've learned not to be so dependent on my parents or anyone else, for that matter. i'm starting to see how important family is. a family is really a network of connected people and the unconditional love and support that often comes with it is an amazing thing. i've learned that alcohol and drugs are not horrible things and that people who partake in them are not horrible people who deserve to be feared. i've learned about choices and that i can make my own and that they are usually good enough for me. i've learned what it's like to make the choice to walk away from people you really would rather not leave. i've learned how to handle memories and how to be selective about what you think of and when. i show affection without fear and i've learned how to really be there for people.
today, i went to classes i enjoy. i sat with friends in all of them, and interacted with strangers. i met my wonderful clustermates (and our friend zach) for lunch. i walked around u village with michelle picking up job applications for the first time since april of my junior year. i ran a few other errands that needed to be run (and realized just what a big girl i am suddenly becoming) and then returned home to fill out said applications. finally, i had time to relax and i talked to jessie on the phone and sara, andrew, and kristina online before grabbing dinner and watching "call me - the rise and fall of heidi fleiss" with renee, christina, michelle, and ali (the aforementioned wonderful clustermates). now i'm sitting here talking online and waiting for my boyfriend to call me.
this would never have been me a year ago. i wasn't happy, and whether or not it was my fault is irrelevent. a year ago, i would have been sitting at my computer in my room, hating being at home, pining over a boy i thought i could never have (yet five months later we were having hours-long conversations and seven months later he was making out with me on my couch and now we are still friends) and wishing i had friends. i would have been too "tired" (read: emotionally drained) to keep my eyes open. i'm running on five hours of sleep right now, and i'm as awake as can be.
since i graduated, my life has drastically changed. things are only going to get harder and i think that finally, i'm at a point where i can handle them. i've grown up an amazing amount in the past year (and a little in the years before that), and that means more to me, i think, than any high school experience i could have.
[i realize that this ended up somewhere completely different than it started. it happens, man.]