(no subject)
back in senior year- i felt so alive and connected with how i feel. now it's just not there- i go through my days but i don't feel the way i used to feel. it makes me feel like i have lost the "youth" and "clarity" of being young and i dont know where its gone. it can't be that ive grown too old to feel it because I'm only 21. life hasn't worn on me....or has it? I'm much too serious now- there's something im always worried about getting done...something i always have to "do". i go through the motion of my day-waiting until 6:00 so that i can relax and stop feeling the pressure but during senior year every minute was a joy to live. i wasn't "counting down" till the end. it's not that i want to shy away from responsibility but i dont understand how these days can go by so fast and my senior year days had room for me to enjoy and get everythign done. I am on my way to becoming a different person i think.
i have worn myself too thin this year- with my classes and work. It's not the time that I spend on these things- it's that work is a source of stress for me.. i don't enjoy it., i'm afraid i always go into work feeling like maybe today rob p really will crack and full out yell at me or maybe ill get overstressed and the nightmare of serving will actually happen where im the only one, and everyone specs everythign out and i forget the whole menu, the computer screens are all black and i have to rollerblade to my tables. (ok over-reaction) i mean i understand this stuff is important, its careers and real people but it's also just bringing people food. maybe i just dont understand, it's not something i enjoy anymore. it doesn't get me feeling like "home" or any closer to where i want to end up in the long run...yeah the people are cool- but i don't know. at the same i can't bring myself to quit because it might be a stage, its a really good job- last time i quit i regretted it. and had to feel retarded for a month till matt asked me to come back. which wont happen again.
idk ive been looking and thinking about those people i know that just seems so "free". lighthearted, happy and like they dont have a care in the world. no stresses, which i know is untrue but the girls that carry themselves like they are so put together. it's not about what they accomplish, or the standards that the rest of the world puts up for them. it's about who they are and the fact that they are doing something that makes them truly happy. the rest they can brush off because it doesn't matter to them. i wish i had the confidence to date and never worry about what other people think. or maybe not get an internship- or do soemthing different and try my luck at succeeding at it? why are there such rigid rules that i find myself bending to fit? That i feel the need to follow this life structure of things set out for me...
I am at a four year university and part of me doesn't even know I feel about it. Have I gained from being here? possibly---have i lost as well? possibly. I know there is more out there for me. While I am happy at state- my full potential is not being reached. after i graduate next year-there is something else i was meant to do. I don't want to just jump into routine, i need something else. there's things i need that i havent been getting. the hard part is even identifying them. they are the vital core of who i am that when not fullfilled i sometimes will barely notice.
i want to wake up with inspiration and motivation to be alive again. i can always sleep in, but i remember waking up with the fire for the girl i loved and knowing the day would be good. not the fear of living it. i want a center to my life. and i want to figure out exactly what it is that he wants for my life. i think things will fall together. its' time for a change. i can feel it in the weaknesses of my body, the tiredness of my soul and the unbelievable urge for something more.
i have worn myself too thin this year- with my classes and work. It's not the time that I spend on these things- it's that work is a source of stress for me.. i don't enjoy it., i'm afraid i always go into work feeling like maybe today rob p really will crack and full out yell at me or maybe ill get overstressed and the nightmare of serving will actually happen where im the only one, and everyone specs everythign out and i forget the whole menu, the computer screens are all black and i have to rollerblade to my tables. (ok over-reaction) i mean i understand this stuff is important, its careers and real people but it's also just bringing people food. maybe i just dont understand, it's not something i enjoy anymore. it doesn't get me feeling like "home" or any closer to where i want to end up in the long run...yeah the people are cool- but i don't know. at the same i can't bring myself to quit because it might be a stage, its a really good job- last time i quit i regretted it. and had to feel retarded for a month till matt asked me to come back. which wont happen again.
idk ive been looking and thinking about those people i know that just seems so "free". lighthearted, happy and like they dont have a care in the world. no stresses, which i know is untrue but the girls that carry themselves like they are so put together. it's not about what they accomplish, or the standards that the rest of the world puts up for them. it's about who they are and the fact that they are doing something that makes them truly happy. the rest they can brush off because it doesn't matter to them. i wish i had the confidence to date and never worry about what other people think. or maybe not get an internship- or do soemthing different and try my luck at succeeding at it? why are there such rigid rules that i find myself bending to fit? That i feel the need to follow this life structure of things set out for me...
I am at a four year university and part of me doesn't even know I feel about it. Have I gained from being here? possibly---have i lost as well? possibly. I know there is more out there for me. While I am happy at state- my full potential is not being reached. after i graduate next year-there is something else i was meant to do. I don't want to just jump into routine, i need something else. there's things i need that i havent been getting. the hard part is even identifying them. they are the vital core of who i am that when not fullfilled i sometimes will barely notice.
i want to wake up with inspiration and motivation to be alive again. i can always sleep in, but i remember waking up with the fire for the girl i loved and knowing the day would be good. not the fear of living it. i want a center to my life. and i want to figure out exactly what it is that he wants for my life. i think things will fall together. its' time for a change. i can feel it in the weaknesses of my body, the tiredness of my soul and the unbelievable urge for something more.