but don't ever forget me...
so basically right now at probably the busiest time in my entire life, i am updating my sorely neglected lj. go me.
showcase was tonight. i hated how i did. i haven't felt like this about myself onstage in a long time. likeeeeee probably since the LAST time i did this song. dude, remember THAT? lol i was so emotionally together. haha eh. i don't know what it is. but there are some issues with my voice that in lessons i'll think i've made so much progress on and have worked them out, and then i get onstage and they all go out the window. it's sad that i sounded just the same on that song and had all the same problems with it as i did 3 years ago. that is not good. in a business where there are a hundred people (at least) more talented than you, shouldn't i be getting better? and most times, i think i am. like voice is totally different (no shit, wonder why) now and i love it and look forward to it and get so much done. but then i get onstage and i fuck it all up? i breathe after every four words? STILL? i can't project anything lower than a c? STILL? it makes no sense. and if i had the time to really let it fuck me up, i would, but fortunately i have a million other things i need to concentrate on. and my lesson today didn't go super so that's kinda in the back of my mind too. i mean, hopefully i won't pull a huge "paige breakdown" like i used to do a year ago and hate myself and my voice and my life. i simply don't have the time to be able to do that. but i really want to. so bad. i guess the problem with me never taking the time to understand exactly how i got over that stuff is that here i am feeling on the verge of regressing again, and i don't know what to do to stop it. because it's not like one huge thing stopped it before. ugh. i don't know. i'm just really stressed out and i was feeling so optimistic about performing and life and stuff and now after tonight i am definitely not anymore. and i just feel like crawling in my bed with the lights off and listening to last five years or blood brothers or "in the beginning" or something cathartic and crying just a lil bit and going to sleep. but life sucks and i definitely cannot do that.
okay sorry i didn't know i was that emotional. wow, that's the first time in a long time i've come close to an entry of a little bit of substance.
but there are a MILLION amazing things in my life right now, i'm just focusing on the bad. like the poster colleen made for me tonight i fucking love her so much. and pretty much everyone i performed with tonight it was so awesome to watch all of them get out there and see how much they've grown already. i was so so so proud of them. i mean it makes me feel like shit cause i will never ever be half as good as them. i wish i had the talent and the uniqueness that each of them has. you guys all really shone tonight, i love you all SO much, and i can't wait to finish these next four years with you.
okay, randomness is over now. i MUST study for philosophy then get beth's book and practice piano then practice for my jury then more studying for philosophy. i cannot fucking WAIT until tomorrow is over.
EDIT--> SLUPREE RUNS MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!! i love you!
showcase was tonight. i hated how i did. i haven't felt like this about myself onstage in a long time. likeeeeee probably since the LAST time i did this song. dude, remember THAT? lol i was so emotionally together. haha eh. i don't know what it is. but there are some issues with my voice that in lessons i'll think i've made so much progress on and have worked them out, and then i get onstage and they all go out the window. it's sad that i sounded just the same on that song and had all the same problems with it as i did 3 years ago. that is not good. in a business where there are a hundred people (at least) more talented than you, shouldn't i be getting better? and most times, i think i am. like voice is totally different (no shit, wonder why) now and i love it and look forward to it and get so much done. but then i get onstage and i fuck it all up? i breathe after every four words? STILL? i can't project anything lower than a c? STILL? it makes no sense. and if i had the time to really let it fuck me up, i would, but fortunately i have a million other things i need to concentrate on. and my lesson today didn't go super so that's kinda in the back of my mind too. i mean, hopefully i won't pull a huge "paige breakdown" like i used to do a year ago and hate myself and my voice and my life. i simply don't have the time to be able to do that. but i really want to. so bad. i guess the problem with me never taking the time to understand exactly how i got over that stuff is that here i am feeling on the verge of regressing again, and i don't know what to do to stop it. because it's not like one huge thing stopped it before. ugh. i don't know. i'm just really stressed out and i was feeling so optimistic about performing and life and stuff and now after tonight i am definitely not anymore. and i just feel like crawling in my bed with the lights off and listening to last five years or blood brothers or "in the beginning" or something cathartic and crying just a lil bit and going to sleep. but life sucks and i definitely cannot do that.
okay sorry i didn't know i was that emotional. wow, that's the first time in a long time i've come close to an entry of a little bit of substance.
but there are a MILLION amazing things in my life right now, i'm just focusing on the bad. like the poster colleen made for me tonight i fucking love her so much. and pretty much everyone i performed with tonight it was so awesome to watch all of them get out there and see how much they've grown already. i was so so so proud of them. i mean it makes me feel like shit cause i will never ever be half as good as them. i wish i had the talent and the uniqueness that each of them has. you guys all really shone tonight, i love you all SO much, and i can't wait to finish these next four years with you.
okay, randomness is over now. i MUST study for philosophy then get beth's book and practice piano then practice for my jury then more studying for philosophy. i cannot fucking WAIT until tomorrow is over.
EDIT--> SLUPREE RUNS MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!! i love you!